Dating Explained: It’s Not Them, It’s You

By Jolene Beaton

The collective consciousness in the modern dating culture is that it is hard. Singles who hold themselves back from dating are often plagued with self-sabotaging behaviors driven by fear of rejection, awkward encounters, or heartbreak. The good news is that we can all learn to be great daters who embrace the natural chemistry that comes with meeting new people.

In a practical dating guide, seasoned matchmaker and date coach Jolene Beaton shares a step-by-step approach on how to identify behaviors that often show up on a date, and then shift the mindset to one that better supports meeting new people and building healthy romantic relationships. Through her wisdom, personal stories, tools, and encouragement to look deep within for the answers, Beaton not only offers insight into the mechanics of dating and the lost art of seduction as well as the barriers and excuses that hijack love, but also how to respond to tough questions without falling into the TMI trap, overcome resistance to change, and ultimately date with integrity and compassion while remaining unattached to the outcome.

Dating Explained shares insight, stories, tools, and encouragement that help singles see themselves more clearly in the dating world and create healthy romantic relationships beginning with the first date.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 24, 2022
• ISBN: 9798765229880

Jolene Beaton

Jolene Beaton is a respected matchmaker and date coach for It’s Just Lunch, a leading personalized dating service. She has matched and coached over twenty thousand singles, holds multiple degrees in psychology, is trained in pre-marital and domestic violence counseling, is the creator of the datingexplained twenty-one-day challenge, and the founder of a research company. Jolene lives with her boyfriend and their two teenagers in San Diego.

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Copyright © 2022 Jolene Beaton.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are

models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2990-3 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2989-7 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2988-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022911069

Balboa Press rev. date: 07/20/2022

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 The History of Dating

Chapter 2 My Matchmaker Story

Chapter 3 The Mechanics of Dating

Chapter 4 Single for a Reason (SFAR)

Chapter 5 Love is Everywhere and You are Datable

Acknowledgments

Resources

To

My dearest Kimber,

Be fearless. Experience

the depths of healthy romantic love.

Trust in yourself,

always.

Love, Mom

Foreword

Those were the days.

Our grandparents and parents taught us to be friendly and polite. However, in recent years, social media and reality TV have taught us to ghost people and abandon common courtesy instead of having a kind conversation with a fellow human. You know, a human with feelings.

Swipe culture encapsulates the idea quite nicely. It seems like, if someone has an eyebrow out of place, it’s easy enough to swipe left, and the vacancy is instantly filled by a new face and a new profile. Gone are the days of being able to be flawed and human in the modern dating world.

Men are supposed to be tall, or you swipe left.

Women are supposed to look like models, or you swipe left.

Swipe culture has killed a lot of romance. When I look back on my long relationships, they are always people I’ve met in real life. I never would have survived the swipe, if I’m being honest.

Compounding this laissez faire attitude to humanity are the atrophied social skills of talking, connecting, and establishing rapport with strangers. (The global pandemic of 2020 did not help this cause.) It makes us overcompensate just to get the attention of the opposite sex.

Consequently, many of us exaggerate our assets while completely masking our flaws, either by white lies, or trips to the plastic surgeon or medical spa to get our monthly injections.

Social media and the current dating culture have surrounded us with so many people, yet there’s never been more isolation in the world. We look for the love of our lives when we have a spare moment, sitting in traffic, or even worse, sitting on the toilet. This is important, so I’ll say it again: We look for love and companionship in our spare time."

This is not how it’s supposed to be.

This notion, love and romance, is why poetry was invented. It’s the subject of our favorite songs. It’s arguably the most important task we will ever embark upon. That person, the person who gets us, who has our back, is out there waiting, and we can’t spare the time to invest in finding them? That needs to change.

It’s time we start taking it a little more seriously. And that process begins with us. We need to recognize who we are and what we are bringing to the table. Do you want to date an exceptional person? Then become an exceptional person. Travel more. Read more books. Listen to podcasts. Learn. Be curious. Have a better understanding of the world around you. Eat better. Sleep better. Give it back to the world better. Focus on a healthy body and a healthy mind.

This isn’t a book that tries to tell you what you want to hear. The very opposite is true, in fact. This book identifies fatal flaws in our personalities, our approaches to dating, and our psychologies so that we may recognize those flaws and begin the process of improving ourselves to meet the love of our lives where they are.

This quote by Tae Yun Kim illustrates it perfectly:

Before you can express love, you must find love. You must know love within yourself before you can give it to another. When you recognize or experience the truth about yourself you automatically feel love, because love is a quality of your true consciousness and true ideas.

—Tae Yun Kim

As I read the book, I found myself saying:

• Whoops, I do that.

• I am that.

• That sounds like me.

I challenge you to be objective as you read the book, and be honest with yourself. I’ll bet you see yourself in a few chapters as well.

It goes to show you, no matter how much work we’ve done, there’s always room for improvement. The good news is that your true love is out there, making the space for your future self.

The question is, when are you going to start?

I’m starting today.

Michael O’Neal

Founder and Host of the

Solopreneur Hour Podcast

Preface

Thank you for purchasing Dating Explained: It’s Not Them—It’s You. As a person who loves and buys books on a weekly basis, I’ll admit to you that a fair number of them remain on my bookshelf, waiting to be read, because I love supporting writers. I buy (and overbuy) books because of this reason.

Now, after the experience of writing my own book, I know that this endeavor truly is a labor of love. Writing a book, like dating, is a gamble. It’s a roll of the dice. First, writers don’t know if anyone is going to buy their book. Second, will the purchaser ever get around to actually reading their book? And the dreaded third consideration, will the reader like what the writer has to say?

So, thank you, from my heart to yours, for taking a chance on Dating Explained: It’s Not Them—It’s You. I appreciate your leap of faith in purchasing and reading my first book. My sincere hope is that you discover for yourself a few life-changing nuggets between these pages. I challenge you to take what you learn here and apply it to your life. The love you’re looking for is out there, and the journey to find that love begins now, with you and my book.

As a matchmaker and dating-and-relationship coach since 2007, I’ve been blessed to be a part of those initial, joyous moments when a new couple meets for the first time. It feels like being present to a little magic. Over the years, I’ve developed a sixth sense and gather vital information from just one conversation with a new client. I can sense if they’re going to end up in a relationship quickly or if they are sabotaging themselves straight out of the gate.

There have been plenty of not so joyous moments in my career—the thousands of calls where someone felt so completely defeated. They tried other dating services, explored every way of meeting people, and still were single. Perhaps they really didn’t like the action of dating. Feeling doomed from the start, many of my clients hadn’t dated in two to three decades, and some had never dated—as in never.

What these clients had in common were the same questions: Why isn’t working? which led to What am I doing wrong? and If I’m so lovable and awesome, why am I still solo?

Often, I saw what they saw in themselves, people open and ready to love and be loved. I would shake my head and honestly say to them, "I don’t know either! I can’t see the problem yet, but I promise we will figure it out together. We will solve this mystery!"

The good news is it was usually something that was easy enough to change. However, it’s my belief that no one enjoys being told they should change because we all want to be loved for who we are, as is—right now. But some of the reasons my clients weren’t lucky in the dating world seemed so easily changed, and most were begging me to tell them the truth. This is where some uncomfortable conversations began. The moment I learned how to tell the truth in a compassionate and kind way, the answers revealed what was needed was more about awareness, support, and inspiration. My clients started thanking me, making the slight shifts, and having more success.

I was born into a family with a certain charisma, my parents both well versed in social etiquette. My mom, Kitty, is chatty and playful, with a magnetic smile also madly in love with Gordon, my handsome father, a great listener whose strong sense of self manifests in a kind of grounded calm that has always captivated me and makes me wonder what he’s thinking. Being the product of these two means I have an amazing gift of being able to easily connect with others. As a young girl, this gift played out in a rather obvious way—I was a cheerleader and a bit boy crazy. I guess I still am.

The truth is, I love men and male energy, and I always have. Looking back at the times in my life when I’ve been single, I recall how fun and liberating it all was. But it also felt lonely at times. That’s the trade off, right? The times when I’ve been in committed relationships have felt grounding in the sense that I had someone who loved me by my side who was doing life with me. As an exercise in personal development, I went through each relationship from the past twenty years. Friends, if you have never done this, do it. The catharsis is unreal. I laughed, I cried. I felt heartbroken for myself and insanely proud.

In that journaling, I realized I’ve been blessed with all sorts of love stories. There were decisions I made in each relationship that were hurtful to me and to others. This taking-stock work was the most difficult and, dare I say, instructive. It informed me, and it was, at times, uncomfortable to examine my behavior. Learning from our patterns is key to breaking them. Taking inventory is a necessary, vital task. I highly recommend it. In fact, there are several exercises later in this book that will require it of you. Why? Because you need to. Because you must in order to change. And also because I said so. I’m going to be by your side, walking you through these inquiry exercises, so don’t be scared—together we’ve got this.

In my own personal work of healing past wounds and childhood traumas, I’ve had to move through parts of my youth and personality that were ugly. An interesting realization I had was how deeply I experienced despair in the most fleeting of