The Pretty Ugly Truth: How to Deal With Everyday Life

By Mel J Cuturich

The pages in the book take you on a reflective journey of your life while absorbing the words written. A controversial view on Live Identity Finance and the Emotions created during the processes of life. We are all unique and yet somehow insist on conforming to the beliefs of others.
Life is about preventing yourself from waking up in someone else's dream.

A guide to touch on the topics less spoken of and the introduction to a series of books to follow. Dealing with Growing up issues to marriage, parenting, separation, and grief. They will include a detailed exposé on the everyday unimaginable situation not spoken about in fear of taking away someone else's financial gains. You can begin to advocate for your own LIFE, with the right resources and confidence.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gatekeeper Press
• Release date: Sep 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662910869

Book preview

Observing Life and Understanding the Breakdown

What matters and the meaning behind L.I.F.E depends on how you understand the breakdown of each letter. First, educate yourself about your personal DNA makeup and how it impacts your ability to deal with the circumstances you may find yourself in at any given stage. Each letter in the spelling of L.I.F.E. represents stories that show the parallels and the significance of each category. After you truly comprehend how you approach each conviction pattern or assumption and how it has impacted you to date, you begin the questioning. If only you understood the deep-seated habits formed from a place that was not yours and one that you wholeheartedly believed was! Only then can you begin to unravel the authentic persona that you buried. We do not genuinely comprehend that whatever life dishes out, what matters most is how we react to it from our true selves. If we intend to remain in control of life, we must feel in control, so by understanding your life, you get closer to living and standing in your true conviction; thus, removing the probability of manipulation, blame, disappointment, and potential abuse.

L=Love: Dealing with a four-letter word that can have varying meanings to us all, and none of them correlates to the feeling, intention, or action this word evokes in an individual or society. We will walk through stages of love and the relationships it connects. Then the brief guide through divorcing and the reference to love gone bad, wrong, lost, or simply ending. The interpretation and grief of divorce and dying: this topic deserves an encyclopaedia; however, we break it down in all its rawness and step through the personalized motives and implication behind the word LOVE!

I=Identity: Dealing with our true self is not as easy as it sounds and believe me when I tell you that we can and have spent years trying to find ourselves. This section will reiterate much of what we already know yet forget to implement in our daily lives—understanding wherein our identity evolved into someone else’s. This is so often done without trying, especially when you are a teenager. We will go on an adventure and identify what it honestly means.

F=Finance: When dealing with a necessity that can cause adversity and diversity instantly, it is essential to be responsible for obtaining and protecting your money.

How to earn, spend, and save are all part of life and debt, but normalcy within our education system has not prepared us for any L.I.F.E. skills.

E=Emotions: When dealing with feelings (Emotions), they generate actions from a place that does not necessarily achieve the best outcome. It is beneficial to understand how the interpretation of internal and external influences affects our emotions—the ability to live our lives from emotions generated from thoughts or an associated story.

Complete honesty for your actions is not the smoothest of transactions. First, the mum-blaming kicks in, and then I throw in every other jerk-full experience to remove myself from the equation. We are quietly conscious of how we appear to others and try to act as having our stuff sorted! We are FINE is a common phrase, even when we are not!

If we could all Stop COMPETING and Start RESPECTING, half of our problems would vanish as such, and we would not have to deal with so much conflict.

Within these pages, you will get to participate and find your unique understanding of the words. The case studies express the reality of things that are not always reported and made public. You’ll relate, or you’ll be horrified. Still, regardless, you will comprehend that the Pretty Ugly Truth is simply an individual perception and no one’s business but your own.

So, the words of anyone should not penetrate and affect you personally, given they are opinions of another. Hearing the noise but not listening to the terms. We’re selfish and take everything personally!

The best part about the Pretty Ugly Truth and life is that you can develop your personalized life tools that no one else can manoeuvre but you, eliminating the probability of coercion caused by the interpretations from a place of emotional misguidedness.

LIFE is simple when we stop complicating it by staying responsible and keeping ourselves and others accountable.

The truth: considered ugly because we all have a tough time dealing with it. At first, admitting it; to ourselves or someone else. ‘It’s Pretty when you take ownership of your Truth and live freely and comfortably in your personally designed skin,’ and not someone’s perception of your truth!

Finding the tools that work for you makes for a more controlled approach to any adversity and is not expensive—yet priceless. We may see things (read things), but we analyse the problem with our minds. Your thoughts do not see; your eyes do!

What’s It All About?

Life begins and ends almost the same way, alone! It is not a party, nor does it allow you to dial a friend because YOU are about to enter or leave this earth. Before you start to make a judgment, let me elaborate! I mean that while you are getting into a position to arrive, there is no one there. You are alone (unless you are a twin!). Although you may be fortunate to have loved ones surrounding you when you die you face death alone, leaving everyone else behind! We are all born the same way; the only difference is how we are delivered (either in life or death). The cliché that we choose our parents is one that I struggled with until I realised my children would have wanted me. For that, I am grateful because, at times, I do not know if I would have chosen myself!

If you choose to accept the challenge, this book will bring out the Ugly Truth and is REAL. The explanations are raw and not concealed by any filters. BUT they are scenarios we can all relate to; good, bad, indifferent, and infectious.

The TRUTH is always said to have three sides to every story. . . Everyone’s emotive analogy, the facts, and the perception of truth by an external party, not only for a courtroom but for everyday life.

Hers, his, and the truth, "We can never be politically correct because it constantly changes depending on the media hype, a group, or individual source. We can never please everyone, and we’ll die trying without success." Someone somewhere will get offended, I’m sure! But that’s life.

#TheUglyTruth: We are all equal—our appearance, religion, culture, profession, lifestyle, or sexual orientation make us unique but should never take away our right to respect and ability to cohabitate on this earth equally.

We continue to impart our opinions on matters that do not impact us personally, not minding our own business. Regardless, humans have this sense of gathering external ideas, choosing their path, and having a perfectly logical explanation for why they blame others for their situation. While we need inclusion, our values and beliefs can often be generated by the ‘flavour’ of the month, the hot topic. Or is everything agenda-based?

Let’s face it, we can never honestly know what motives others have, and at times, we can convince ourselves we have none either!

After decades in diverse industries, I ‘fell’ into areas with the same underlining as an advocate for social justice. From construction to finance to life coaching, every process developed involved breaking down every aspect of love, identity, and, the financial decisions that lead to emotions. After the last five years of successfully helping clients (all bankrupted) seek justice, this title was inevitable.

I teach and involve individuals in any advocacy work I do for one simple reason: to prevent future adversity. Keeping everyone accountable and reclaiming responsibility for their lives! My Ugly Truth is that I am harder on myself than the pressure others place on me for results and critique of the outcomes. A bit about me and the reason behind this writing: I deal with the real ugliness of human nature, greed, corruption, and most of all, E.G.O. My diverse experience has exposed me to what I describe as an unjust form of abuse perpetrated by people in power. You can only ever get professional representation when you are in control; otherwise, you will lose time and money (the same but traded differently), and most importantly, eliminate the ability to blame others. The main lesson in everything is to take control and be responsible for your future. I am blessed that I could handle situations that have challenged me to take responsibility for my outcomes. First, I learned from professionals; then, I taught myself to read between every line written. Observing the best of the best, authorities, and understanding the ability, we all must defend our truth and protect our lives. Now I am told I have developed a sixth sense and can smell corruption. I’ve experienced too much and sought fairness relentlessly. Great for David, in his battle with Goliath; now they have multiplied, and you can still be a solo act in our twenty-first-century edition!

You do not need a lawyer to represent your life; you need a lawyer to represent you in a court of law. A person can only assist you by what information you give them; ultimately, you are responsible. I do not have a PhD but have passed practically every test in LIFE!

Our history plays a significant role in our future, and while I am grateful for my past experiences, I also hate what I had become at various times in my life, but they are life’s lessons, so now, I would not change anything!

My Ugly Truth—I sabotage myself by being too hard on myself. I had to become a professional to change how things are done.

L.I.F.E –

The word L.I.F.E. was one that I could not understand. It ridiculed and created inequalities throughout the world, so I finally broke it apart and decided to share it within the pages of this big book! Don’t worry, it’s not an encyclopaedia; you’ll get through it.

We will take a mystery tour to the Depth of Honesty (‘DOH!’ as Homer Simpson says). Then you can judge the adventure for yourself. Only you know your #UglyTruth, and that is not a BAD thing. The truth allows us to be free from CRAP and finally enables us to LIVE authentically.

In the Beginning

If we go back to the beginning, it gets too hard … Each time I tried to recall how my life began, I felt like I had dementia. The photographs faded or did not exist! Not because my parents didn’t take any pictures of their only daughter; it was because they did not raise their one and only daughter!

There is a significant reason why our early years influence our future experiences. From a baby to five years of age, we develop our personality and character; some believe it is up to the age of seven. The problem begins when you try to unravel what that five-year-old interpreted!

We are guided back to our upbringing; hopefully, we get over it quickly. My entire life caused me to read and predict another person’s behaviours to survive and keep safe.

Of course, we categorize everything and everyone for research purposes, but we also do that irrespective. So, thirsty for knowledge, I studied online and found myself delving into history to discover who and how these theories came about, given that you can still be developing your personality up until thirty for males, every five years for females (who go through the checks and analytics of their lives—mental shifts). Then we are stuck with ourselves permanently! From Wilhelm Wundt, Sigmund Freud, Jean Piaget, Erikson to Anthony Robbins (modernized and current version), human behavioural patterns become predictable and teachable. The L.I.F.E Process is developed with these theories at its core.

So, when we begin to query our patterns (behaviours), we start from childhood, which is a logical place to start and end. The first line of questioning stems from your parents and the upbringing you experienced! Then, hopefully, after that, you are placed in the correct ‘box’ after matching the assumption from your description. The child’s fairy tale or horror tale, usually created from the same place we find ourselves in adult life—stuck in the memory cells when we could not understand the truth to use our imagination at will.

All the seminars and workshops, online education, and even tertiary education revolve around a set questioning of our upbringing. Patterns, beliefs, and behaviours are taught to children as part of their DNA, and the textbooks enforce this truth. As I see it, the issue with this is that out of the multitude of books and theories into human behaviour, no one addresses the fact that we are continuously Blamestorming: Seeking explanations for our actions outside of ourselves and never addressing our true beliefs and desires. If we did, then somehow that was wrong, different from the tradition passed on in the ‘cycle of life.’

Instead of enforcing the forty-six chromosomes in each cell handed down by people called ‘Mum and Dad,’ their unresolved stuff is passed down, and we continue it as an annual tradition! They did what they knew then, and I know I’ve passed down my imperfections.

Facts that make up all our emotional or mental health issues stem from our childhood stories and are enhanced when our sanity hunt begins during adulthood.

A wise man (Wilhelm Wundt) founded the first laboratory in Germany dedicated to psychological research. Was he someone who became fascinated with human behaviour, or was he depressed and needed to work out what was going on inside his brain? It shows that most of what we know began many decades ago, but there is more to investigate.

Centuries ago, depression and mental health were not acknowledged and not an accepted cause to STOP living (or working). Now we are all suffering from mental health issues. If we face facts, there are so many more demands on people, and technology didn’t help. That was ugly but true, and the reality is that everyone has a story, and no one can or should judge until they have walked that person’s path. However, keep in mind this is all about the Pretty Ugly Truth, and every person, profession, or situation has many versions. Only the person in question will ever know their truth. We cannot always rely on someone else figuring things out for us; we cannot get help if we don’t allow it.

It makes you wonder how the previous generations coped with emotional and mental health issues undiagnosed.

A counsellor or professional tries to uncover the underlining blockages usually stemming from childhood. What were our parents like (then they are open for scrutiny and blame, perhaps with some praise!)? What was our experience at school, work, our first love, etc.? Questions are designed to prompt a memory of a specific event during this time of nurturing and our exposure to LOVE, ultimately. Somehow, this creates the monsters we become to one another, the excuses for choices we made or decisions we could not.

"Please remember when reading, the words are to provoke you to review and consider not only your behaviour, but that of the world around you—written as an observer and a participant of life. Varying views and experiences lead to perception and reaction. Neither right nor wrong, and not an attack on anyone or any industry."

LIFE Example: My childhood was not the one I described in the story I created at the age of eight, a poorly scripted version of Cinderella without the stepsisters! The problem was that I never really got to the Ugly Truth until I was thirty years old. My made-up version of reality as a child ruined my relationship with my mother in many ways. That Ugly Truth never surfaced until my mid-thirties when I retraced her footsteps. Then the truth gave me my reality check! Before she fell pregnant with me at eighteen, she was removed from her home at fifteen years of age to become a housekeeper to her older brother. Sons were the be-all and end-all back then in Europe. ‘That remains true to this day in some households.’ In some countries, males are superior, and tradition commands that the female is subservient.

She was taken from her mother, who was terminally ill, without an explanation or option. How did she interpret the decision made for her? How did this affect how she parented her children? Was there an underlying motive or a compassionate intention to protect her? Here I uncovered a truth she never spoke of and concealed with a staunch denial of emotions while creating a made-up illusion of her husband–my father–pronouncing him as the father of the year when he was far from deserving of any such candidacy. She continued to deny or admit that she could change that ugliness around the truths that she carried from childhood. The regret was hard to watch and difficult to ignore.

The comment, ‘It’s never too late,’ was like poking a sleeping bear with a sore tooth. It was finally tired of the pain, only to be woken up by possibility fifty-eight years later!

We have all heard that our patterns are created and enforced throughout our childhood and how it begins there. But is that an excuse many use to avoid responsibility? Or is it a more straightforward method to enable psychologists to base a logical explanation around the behavioural patterns?

How many times do we dig deep to uncover what rests below the surface of our carefully groomed and made-up exterior? Why do we need another person (especially a stranger) to listen to our stories? Why does it matter their profession and the number of letters behind their name, how can they assess you, and how best to live your life? Could we feel comfortable conversing with a stranger without needing to appear a certain way, or is it that we think they will not judge us?

It is harder to lie to those you interact with daily, especially those who know you well.

How can any stranger determine if your recollection of a story, created by the child mind, is the rationalized version of the truth, a memory shaded by years of input by others, or a story developed out of adverse emotional reactions? Will it need clarification from all parties involved to be validated? Or should we always be taken at face value?

How does a professional assist someone accountable to their childhood version of reality? Not understanding your internal Ugly Truth that we conceal from others and refuse to let go of makes it so much harder for any professional to provide the best service effectively.

Our minds are so powerful (stubborn also) that it can take quite some time for another to break through and break down the walls we build from an earlier perception of our environment. So, I must ask the question…how can that professional give their best when we tend to tell half-truths? Real healing and understanding begin when we admit the Ugly Truth to ourselves first and foremost.

That is frickin’ hard!

After observing many people from all walks of life, it is apparent that we are the masters of manipulation… I felt that reaction!

We become defensive when called out on something, and unfortunately, some get defensive because they have been ‘wrongly accused’ constantly and used to blame the actual perpetrator. Some are experts at directing the blame onto others (now these statements have numerous examples of a contradictory assertion), especially when some people adamantly believe their lies that become the only reality they know or want to live.

How can a person purposely manipulate our system, pretending their actions were due to childhood trauma, yet their life was privileged compared to others?

Who has the right to make that judgment call?

How many people have avoided punishment due to their version of a childhood truth in fear of incarceration? Is that the only defence that allows leniency for a choice made from a reactive or premeditated thought?

Today, we seem more concerned with the ramifications of being honest rather than helping someone. That was a loaded statement!

Unfortunately, professionals will turn a blind eye regardless of their codes of conduct or oath to their industry allegiance. Is it for greed, power, or are they threatened? Then there are those individuals who commit fraud and corruption or the ones who conceal it. What of their childhood and upbringing? Is there an element of blame or theory as to why they developed into the adults they had become?

If there are forty-six chromosomes in most of our cells, how can we be sure that the one examined cell to determine an infectious gene holds all the answers? We cannot. Scientists need more than one cell to research anything. So, shouldn’t that be the same when analysing a person’s life and characteristics? The whole environment should be measured, avoiding the probability of causing further physiological problems and confusion. My ethics may not be the same as yours, and everyone has a different agenda or motive than you (but may mimic you to convince you otherwise) and vice versa.

A mother who saw no option but to keep a child out of wedlock in the 1960s married a man she did not love who wanted to do the right thing. Every parent has a story, so how can we base our upbringing as the cause of things that occur in our lives? There cannot be a one-size-fits-all methodology when dealing with mental health! We would never take responsibility for anything. Regardless of the person you became, nothing would be your fault or responsibility. Unfortunately, human beings feel and act this way, entitled to hurt others because they were hurt. Sadly, it is a cycle, and no one knows how to rely on their inner worth rather than what the external is preaching!

Looking back at my own life, I had hated my parents and had a valid reason for doing so, eventually hating the world, for that matter! My story, The Heart of Hope, explains this statement thoroughly; in brief, my parents were not your ordinary picket-fence-type people. My story created my reality for a while, until it, and I, changed! That is another story and comprehensively explained in the first book.

With the mixed bag of life’s circumstances thrown at me, some of the C.R.A.P (Circumstantial Reality, Attitudes and Perceptions) was bound to affect my decisions as an adult. The issue was that the adults around me were dealing with the manure that fertilized their beliefs. They did not give a shit about how much their stench would suffocate me as I attempted to make sense of everything as a child. Verbal diarrhoea managed to stay fixated in my mind, much like a tattoo of words that belonged to others. Another layer that would need shedding later.

#Warning: before you give up on the book and me, look at your childhood and pinpoint the patterns or beliefs you have adopted. Do not wait to be asked by someone else trying to advise you how to understand YOU!

The Pretty Ugly Truth is that we can make up tales or lie to the person attempting to help us professionally, but the real truth is deep within you, and only you know it!

Telling yourself lies to feel okay only hurts you in the long run. Any CRAP we store can only harm us because no one will ever know what is going on internally.

My life from my child version: As a child, I went through MY own usual, feeling isolated from LIFE because adults said they were protecting me (by not telling me the TRUTH). I had to move to another country and away from all I knew and loved (my grandparents). Then coming to a foreign country only to have the strangers who called themselves my parents act as if they hated me; I was their inconvenience! So, we get locked up in an Internal Detention Centre (mine), and I am stuck with the other human wildlife. There is only a tiny percentage of the difference between a chimpanzee and a human; scientifically proven … still considered more intelligent. But, let’s face it, we are not that special from one another, and now the global COVID virus has made that so true.

From my beginning with my grandparents, to moving to another country, and then to a new state, I became a cleaner and childcare worker (my new label since looking after my baby brother). Then life changed, and the rest is history, as they say! MY version to my childlike mind’s version of events; my Mama laughed and cried when I read her some of my notes (now added to this book) before she passed in 2008. What was so intense about this time was that she insisted on dying with a heavy heart—never wanting to tell me her truth and the reasoning behind her parenting skills. Before she passed, she confirmed everything and NOTHING like my version of events!! #REGRETS are the only emotions generated after so much time spent with a #UglyTruth that I encouraged into existence. Our relationship was awesome after I dealt with both our Pretty Ugly Truths, and the memories are fond, even if they were from an adult me!

While we all have differentiating versions and tales, parents always sacrifice something.

I did not have the freedom that other girls had. Growing into my teen years was relatively different from what’s considered a routine! Instead, I got a life sentence of guilt and responsibility, according to my internal analogy. As a single parent, I would never experience love and niceness. Now, I had to do everything in my limited power with a touch of sacrifice not to screw up my children!

But that was inevitable (my screwing up my kids!). I am not educated, not pretty enough, or intelligent enough, and I have no support! That’s a concoction for success right there!

W.O.W.… W.O.W.… W.O.W., this was my short version of the beginning that led to my unforeseen adult life. Stuffed up when I read it back. Does this sound exaggerate?

Does it sound made up? Does it make you go W.T.F.? (Was This Fact?)

Does it sound predictable, coming from an environment of adversity?

It should sound comical but also disturbing, given it is my reality. To a certain extent, it is my truth. The horrific parts were left out, but the gruesome details made me stronger and somehow generated a force of determination and a hunger for knowledge. The Pretty Ugly Truth about strength can sometimes be that others think you are okay. At times, some may even question your version of events and attack you with their opinions. But who is anyone to tell you what you went through? Children also conceal traumatic experiences and learn adult emotions far too quickly and unfairly due to an action (usually by an adult). It takes a skilled professional to uncover that truth, revealed at an adult age. The veil of silence, distrust, betrayal, and guilt, buried as a #UglyTruth, impacts their adult lives and how they behave, who they partner with, and the profession they find.

I am confident that if you asked the other people involved in my world, their version would be different. The stories vary in description and time. The interesting observation of any abusive situation is that the perpetrator will always say it was the other person’s (I do not particularly appreciate being called a victim) fault. Opinions of observers would change the entire perception. Again, they generate another sequel to the story they never lived or experienced. Have you ever had that situation where other people feel obligated to tell you how and what happened in your life? No one (me included) has the right to say to another person how a situation made or makes them feel. You are responsible for your life—you can only feel the emotions you do, and no one else can.

But here is the TRUTH … anyone can wrong another human being, and we’ve all lied about one thing or another, so it is not the truth, but it is a lie told truthfully! Isn’t this a befuddling part of human nature?

Humans act in so many contriving ways; not all have a moral compass that works efficiently. Then we also need to realise that many of these humans work in positions of power, making it harder to detect those who abuse the people they serve and the industry and the entire community and economy. Unfortunately, a violation of trust can leave you helpless. We entrust professionals with our lives and can never be sure of their plans.

The relevance of Love in every decision you make is evident. I can sense some will disagree, but I have found it factual. Who you are at that time and how you identify with the situation is relevant to the love you feel for the person, place, or outcome, even yourself! Money and your financial well-being are in question, and your emotional (LOVE) awareness will determine a lot about the result.

Our world comprises people from all walks of life and beliefs, but somehow, we remain unwavering to have the same essential qualities and needs. There are some real disease-infested people (rats) amongst us, and they are the ones we need to study and research. Then you must wonder, at some point, weren’t they were children once and wouldn’t they have had love and nurture, surely? But unfortunately, a significant tragedy had to have occurred for their lack of love, humanity, and ethics, or was it more sinister?

Not all children grow into compassionate and morally aligned adults, just as not all turn into psychopathic bullies as adults. Unfortunately, according