Confessions of a Grieving Mother

By Kelly Harris

 

Why me God? How could a good God allow this? Suffering and grief, how do you find joy amid it? These are some of the questions that Kelly Harris wrestled with after discovering the devasting news that her son would be born with a heart defect that would ultimately end in an unexpected death. Confessions of a Grieving Mother is a memoir of Kelly's experience of struggling with infertility, birthing a beautiful son, and learning to live without him after only sixteen short days on earth. When someone goes through something so tragic and feels deep pain, you feel alone and lost.

In Confessions of a Grieving Mother, the reader will navigate these raw emotions. Kelly shares actual diary entries that she wrote to help her cope with the grief and anxiety that the death of her son brought her. She will walk the reader through how she went from extreme suffering, anxiety, and grief to forgiveness and joy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Writers of the West
• Release date: Oct 5, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215645017

Book preview

Confessions of a Grieving Mother

Kelly Harris

Copyrights © 2022 Kelly Harris

Published by: Writers of the West

Dedication

I wrote this book with two things in mind. First, I want to keep my son Casen’s memory alive, and second, I want his legacy to give hope to those in despair. His life story is one of resilience, strength, faith, heartbreak and joy.

I dedicate this book to my son Casen, although 16 days with you was much too short you left me with a different perspective on life. Your life taught me to be more patient, kind, loving and understanding. You taught me to be grateful even on my bad days, and to see the beauty in the ashes and to appreciate the joy a field of sunflowers bring. May you rest in eternal peace until we meet again.

Thank you to all my family, friends, and co-workers who were there for me in my time of deep lament. I don’t know if I could have made it without all the support from the meals, monetary donations to the flowers, it carried me a long way.

From the bottom of my heart, you all are appreciated.

Table of Contents

Section A: Casen’s Story

Introduction

Chapter 1 Struggle to Conceive

Chapter 2 Lord’s Blessing

Chapter 3 Labor and birth

Chapter 4 Complications

Chapter 5 The Departure

Chapter 6 Final Goodbyes

Chapter 7 Life After Death

Chapter 8 A New Hope

Chapter 9 Keeping The Faith

Chapter 10 At Present

Section B: The Confessional

My Journal Entries

About the Author

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I’ll lend you a child of mine for a while, He said.

For you to love while he lives and mourn for when he’s dead. It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three, But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me? He will bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, you will have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

l cannot promise he will stay; since all from the earth return. But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn. I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true, and from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, I have chosen you. Now, will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain, Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say, Dear Lord, Thy will be done! For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run. We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we will love him while we may, And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay; But should the angels call for him much sooner than we’ve planned, We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

-Edgar Guest

Section A: Casen’s Story

Introduction

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. Corinthians 1:3-   4

Having everything in life one desires is truly a miracle. I once thought I could build a fulfilling life for myself, and I did. But, there is always a small chunk that leaves us in a shock. How could this happen to me? We ask ourselves. We question our Lord.

The truth is that nothing in this world is invincible. All the painful things we hear about other people, we think this cannot happen to us. We are so mistaken. Bad things happen to people all the time, and could very well occur to us as well.

When I was about seven years old, my parents separated. And then from there on, my dad would just be around enough during the birthdays and holiday seasons. I didn't really have a strong relationship with him, because he was away for most part.

My mom worked as a nurse at the Veterans Administration Hospital. She raised me and my two brothers as a single parent. She showed me what it really meant to be a parent. She worked two jobs, and managed to raise three kids. Her life revolved around us as she juggled between her work and taking care of the three of us. She was a great example of motherhood in its purest form.

I have two older brothers, making me the youngest and only girl in my family. While my father was not present most of the time, my mom never let us feel the absence of a fatherly figure. She was enough to play the role of both a mother and a father. Honestly, I truly never really had any issues with it and the family somehow felt complete.

On Sunday, we would go to the church. For most of my life, we went to a family church, and we prayed a lot. The most important message my mother instilled in us was that whenever life gets hard, we should always remember to seek help from God. Although I didn't get baptized until like, 2018, but I always had that faith instilled into me.

Growing up, I never experienced any fathomable hardships; most things came easy for me. From a very early age, I knew all I wanted to do was make my mom and God proud. I lived my life wanting to do everything right. I was a model child; I made straight A’s in school, graduated in the top 10 of my class, was never sent to the principle office, participated in sports, and even worked a part-time job.

I had this thought in