Staying Planted For The Kids

By S.L. Dunn

Are you tired of going to bed every starless night, silently pondering if your moderately complex marriage is worth the futile effort that zaps your emotional energy on a daily? Do you relentlessly strive to satisfy your spouse that you often neglect yourself optimally?

Do you wholeheartedly throw your

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shannon Payton
• Release date: Nov 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9781088076590

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S.L. Dunn

Staying Planted for the Kids

Stop Villainizing Women Who Decide to Stay

Copyright © 2022 by S.L. Dunn

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

S.L. Dunn asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

S.L. Dunn has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Websites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

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To my husband, an oak tree deprived of nutrients from the trumpet vine that rapidly grew upward towards the canopy of our marriage, often depriving us of sunlight, nutrients, and oxygen-essentially choking our marital bliss. On that crisp fall day, the words sickness and health, encompass mental health, often overlooked by those who utter such. Although our roots are in the windowsill for all to see, you never discouraged me from growing where I’m planted. Under the vine, I see…a mighty oak!

Maybe you expected marriage to be perfect – I guess that’s where you and I are different. See, I thought it would be all about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who’s there to remind you what you learned along the way.

-Jodi Picoult

Flowers don’t worry about how they’re going to bloom. They just open up and turn toward the light and that makes them beautiful.

- Jim Carrey

Contents

Acknowledgement

1. Companion Planting

2. Married to an Agave

3. What You Feed Will Grow

4. Growing A Houseplant Through Immaturity

5. Plants Like Music – Not Horns!

6. Green Thumbs Do Not Come Easy - A Parody

7. Why Your Marriage Needs Gardening Too

8. Weed It

9. Put A Fence Around Your Garden

10. Roots Altered By Hail

11. Focus On the Light

12. Marriage Is No Bed of Roses

13. Burning Daylight

14. Organic Love

15. Clinging To The Vine

16. Pot It Like It’s Hot

17. Plant Your Seed for Tomorrow’s Garden

18. Surviving Marriage to a Narcissist: The Happy Gardener’s Wife

19. Broken? It is OK -Let the Light In!

20. Blossom Facing The Sunshine

Conclusion

About the Author

Acknowledgement

My grandmother was as comforting as the sun on a warm day. Her memory lives within the chambers of my heart, as beautiful as an exquisite flower basking in the sun’s glow.

To my mom- Your love and guidance have helped me blossom into who I am today. Thank you for supporting me through the different seasons of my life.

To my sons- I conceived that I was nurturing you as boys, yet, with enlightened age, I discovered the profound revelation that you were nurturing me this entire time.

To my daughter- You’re like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day with your positive attitude and infectious energy. Like a flower brings cheer to a room, your smile brightens my day.

To my dear friends: Kathy, Dani, Kelly, Madonna, and Alana- During the times I struggled to water our friendships, was unable to add nutrients to the soil, and the growth appeared to be slowly disappearing with each passing storm-you remained steadfast-never villainizing me for staying in my difficult marriage in this comedy we call life!

1

Companion Planting

Are you tired of going to bed every starless night and pondering if your moderately complex marriage is worth the futile effort that zaps your daily emotional energy? Do you relentlessly strive to satisfy your spouse that you often neglect yourself optimally? Do you wholeheartedly throw yourself into your career because it is the one logical place you receive respectful acknowledgments for all your vigorous efforts?

Are your nonworking hours and days consumed with children’s activities because they sprinkle joy into your life and aid in momentarily drowning out the unwanted harmful deafening noise? That noise is the constant reminder that the intelligent people in your inner circle openly believe you are crazy for staying planted in your difficult marriage for the sake of your children.

Does your loyal childhood dearest friend, Eden, continue to voice that you should swiftly leave your marriage and that staying for the kids is not worth the long-term investment? Her calm voice echoes in your non-receptive ears as you perchance hear the prophetic words, time is gold. Are you passively contemplating whether you should humbly subscribe to her advisement? You have been lifelong friends since Middle School, and who could intuitively know you better or genuinely want better for you? There is no way to overtly deny that she models the ideal marriage and flourishing, happy kids. She might be undoubtedly correct.

It is challenging to know the correct answer instinctively, and raising a family with a thorny marriage is hard. You are not confident about what the best remedy is for your kids. You are adamant that you do not want your children to wilt based on an unfavorable decision you consciously make for their emerging future. Or are you the steadfast mom that purposely stayed and weathered the storm in the laden ship that others thought would hopelessly sink? Do you feel you miserably failed them by permanently abiding in a marriage that was not seamlessly smooth sailing? The fateful decision to eventually leave or stay upright often presents an abundance of overwhelming guilt.

Have you ever earnestly tried to organically grow an indoor delicate house plant, lovely bright well-sculpted flower beds, or a secluded suburban backyard vegetable garden? Or have you ever firmly planted a sweet fragrant lilac bush or anchored a white smooth non-bristle-tipped leaves oak acorn-producing tree?

If you have never tried to grow an indoor plant or anything outside, don’t worry! You still belong with us. Don’t stop there. Although, you may be wondering how you could even begin to relate harmoniously. You are about to discover how to visualize this book as it relates to your current life, whether single, engaged, married, separated, or divorced.

Ever spontaneously ponder about what miraculously happens in cyclical nature in the reinvigorating Spring? It’s plant growth on steroids! Why? Spring automatically supplies the perfect conditions for massive abundant robust growth; however, that does not guarantee that the annual flowering season is flawless. As the reviving season habitually wears on, too little productive change, such as a catastrophic drought, followed by weak growth, such as excessive impermeable rain, can cause problems in plant life.

Have you ever seen a concentric or longitudinal crack in a red ripe beefsteak tomato at a roadside stand? Ever fleetingly wonder where the visually unpleasing cracks come from in that particular tomato? It turns out that these cracks come from uneven growth or growth spurts, which are a result of unintentional sporadic watering. Consistent watering prevents growth cracks. Growth spurts in gardening, capable fallible humans, and sacred marriages are natural.

Consistency is the instrumental key to domestically producing the best natural progress. The cutting-edge point is that growth spurts, uneven growth, and not-so-perfect growth conditions are a natural part of life in a garden and a marriage. Although our gardening goal should be to progressively lessen the chasm between the highs and lows towards identifiable improved balance so that we do not harshly or unexpectedly crack, like the beef steak tomatoes, it is often said that marriage is very much like gardening. Just as in a garden, there are bound to be ups and downs in a marriage, but with patience, hard work, and a bit of humor, those can be minimized, and the relationship can thrive.

Are you staying in your thorny marriage for the healthy growth of unharmed hopeful kids, or are you trying to leave your hopeless marriage for the obvious benefit of your kids? Stop believing either decision will smoothly bring the ultimate regret-free resolution for the betterment of your children’s well-being. Instead, come to the realization that neither one will be the perfect infallible solution.

The widespread belief that vulnerable, innocent children are better off if their disconnected parents get divorced is not 100 percent exact. It could be one of the most horrific, inconceivable events in your children’s dreamy youthful lives. Now you’re adamantly thinking, This chic is crazy! But, just like with gardening, if you are not entirely dedicated to the process and your children, it is likely that things will not turn out well. Your children need to feel loved and supported, no matter what.

Or are you the courageous parent who decided to stay for the kids? Intelligent, scholarly people would have you unquestioningly accepting that your actions will result in adverse outcomes. Stop believing your life is undeniably another statistic. You are not a horrible, wretched parent subjecting your children to a potential future life of drugs, failure, crime, or other adverse effects just because you stayed in a difficult marriage that was emotionally dissatisfying, suffered from infidelity, or was comprised of opposite parenting styles that often promoted ongoing challenges.

Having spent 30 years with a narcissist who was unconditionally loved dearly and raised five productive children together, which includes an incredible set of triplets – talk about stress – there has been a lot to learn about healthy growing. Suppose you have already dogmatically decided that there is no nutritional value in what the spouse of a narcissist has to say outright naturally. In that case, you’re losing an opportunity to feel another person’s trials, hear how victories can occur with the man you love, and, most importantly, know that you have value and are not alone.

However, if given the opportunity, you will undoubtedly learn, contrary to statistical data, that this less-than-perfect mom and Narcissistic Personality Disorder dad never had to drive a child to juvenile probation, call mobile crisis, have CPS at our chaotic, energetic home, or found illegal drugs in the kids’ bedrooms. So far, they’ve grown into productive adults. I have never had to pay their bills, visit them where thin silver chains were linked to their wrists, drive them to rehab, or administer Narcan to an overdosing child. Does this model me as the perfect infallible parent? Nope! But what it does steadfastly grow is a mom who sensibly decided to physically stay with the narcissistic parent for the benefit of the kids. It did not subsequently turn out as the Eden’s of this world religiously believed it so.

I am here as happily living proof that you can steadily grow a beautiful, magnificent garden while being married to an Agave or African Violet without losing your sanity. There will be countless days you may be thirsty, days you feel that the soil you are rooted in lacks essential nutrients for growth, and too many long, despairing days without sunshine. It has been more complicated and urgently needed more charitable work than you initially signed up for, but you persevered.

Surprisingly, you may discover something about that young confident, handsome man that you said vows to on that matrimonial life-changing wedding day and the one your functioning adult children call Dad. Your undying steadfast love for him still blossoms like the breathtaking path of fragile cherry trees lined along the way to the most infamous white house.

So, it’s time to stop constantly beating yourself up for the what ifs that could negatively affect your beloved children. Instead, give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back for sincerely trying to do what is BEST for your children – whether you stay or leave. And for those of you Edens out there- STOP villainizing those who sensibly choose to stay! Leaving a marriage is just as knotty complicated - it just superficially appears different. Staying in a problematic marriage to benefit the kids is a sacrifice and challenging, but it is okay.

It may not be all rainbows and lollipops; it will be more like thunderstorms and lemon heads but making sacrifices for the people that you dearly love is under no circumstances entirely wrong. So regardless of what the people around you say, if you have decided to stay in your difficult marriage, grow in the soil you are rooted in right now. There’s hope!

According to Walt Disney, the flower that blooms in adversity is the most beautiful. And well, who does not like Walt Disney? Your kids do, and most adults do as well! Remember that even the tiny seed in nature has a mystical ability to be aware that to grow, it had to be delicately put in the dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to see the light. You have this sunshine!

Guess what else? Our children turned out to be more than okay! Three of my sons work in law enforcement, two serve in the military, and our daughter works for our state police. Our youngest son is in college, wants to attend medical school, and is an aspiring heart surgeon, where he will mend broken hearts. Like literature, life is full of comedy, tragedy, twisted plots, and satire. So why would marriage and raising children be any different? It is not!

Believe in the impossible when it comes to your difficult marriage. To an optimist, every weed is a flower; to a pessimist, every flower is a weed. So stop burning the daylight, get to companion planting and persevere. As a result, your marriage will likely flourish into something you never imagined it would blossom into again.

Like the hummingbird who keeps coming back for the nectar of the agave, you may see that your marriage is sweeter this time and worth hanging out to see the once-in-a-century bloom. That blossom is discovering that you did not just stay in a difficult marriage for the kids. Instead, you are free from the vines that have entrapped your mind for decades.

2

Married to an Agave

When most people think of the word