From Silent Desperation to Quiet Strength

By Deborah Jayne

After surviving twenty-five years of marriage to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Deborah Jayne speaks into the dark and hidden insanity of narcissism in her powerful memoir From Silent Desperation to Quiet Strength.  

In her personal quest for truth and understanding, she discovered that at the core of her silent de

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ground Truth Press
• Release date: Jul 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9798987050804

Deborah Jayne

DEBORAH JAYNE is the proud mother of three beautiful daughters and blessed grandmother of two precious granddaughters. She is often told that she has just the right words at the right time. With Jesus at the epicenter of finding her way through decades of pain to freedom and quiet strength, her personal mission is to take all that she has learned through her suffering and come alongside other victims-not with the mindset to remain one, but with the purpose and vision to help them attain victory! She loves to make heart-connections with fellow travelers and offer purpose in the pain.

Book preview

Dedication

I dedicate this labor of love to my three amazing daughters who have been my deepest source of earthly joy and courage as well as my motivation to press in and persevere despite the seen and unseen forces against me. My gratefulness for their immediate, unwavering, and loving support throughout the many changes in all of our lives is beyond measure. Always my daughters and now, too, my dearest friends…

…I love you more!

It is God who works in you to will

and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose. 

(Phil. 2:13 NIV)

I cannot dedicate this work to my Father God because, in my eyes, it is already His book; I have only been His ready scribe, guided and inspired by the Holy Spirit. I gave Him free rein to use my life story as He willed for His purposes and for His honor and glory. Our compassionate Lord Jesus gathered all of the broken pieces of my shattered life and torn-apart dreams strewn over 25 years of heartache and lovingly began to create a unique mosaic with the fabric, fragments, experiences, and unspoken words of my life.  It may not be beautiful and will never be perfect, but it is inlaid upon a rock-solid foundation that cannot be shaken or destroyed again by any earthly force, as it is held together by an eternal love and weight of glory. 

May the words of this book touch many lives and be the key that unlocks the cages of those imprisoned by some form of abuse or bondage, setting free the multitude of captives who have been waiting in silent desperation to be rescued! 

By grace I have been saved…twice. 

You are my God, my Lord, my Savior, and my Knight!

"So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say,

‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’"

(Luke 17:10)

"Where the serpent has bit you the most

you have the greatest destiny." 

—Leif Hetland,

Seeing Through Heaven’s Eyes:

A World View That Will Transform Your Life

Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

1 Silent Desperation

2 The Classic Characteristics of a Person With Narcissistic Personality Disorder

3 Step Programs: The Ladder to Healing

4 Becoming Lovers of Self

5 The Fruit Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree

6 The Reality of Fantasy

7 Ownership Versus Belonging

8  Let Me Entertain You

9 A Spirit of Unbelief

10 Stolen Identity

11 Created to Be Creative

12 When Your Anticipation Becomes Anxiety

13 Praying the Word

14 Wanting and Waiting

15 The Voice of Silence

16 Origin of Our Deepest Desires to Be Seen, Heard, Known…to Be Loved

17 Purpose in the Pain: How I Finally Found Joy in the Pursuit of Happiness

18 My Deep Well of Loneliness

19 Transformation

20 True Freedom

21 The Battlefield and Beyond: Living in Enemy Territory

22 From Silent Desperation to Quiet Strength

Appendix: Symbolism of the Cover

Believe to Receive

About the Author

About This Book

INTRODUCTION

And my tongue will talk of Your righteous help all the day long,

for they have been put to shame and disappointed

who sought to do me hurt.

(Ps. 71:24)

I have always

had a passion for writing ever since I was a young girl. I especially loved to use words that rhymed; it became a sort of game. I love words and their power of expression. In my youth I enjoyed creating homemade cards, wrote plays that were acted out by the neighborhood kids for parents and friends, and developed a passion for reading and writing poetry. I was, and still am, an avid reader and would pass countless hours lost in the pages of mystery books.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, challenging my mind to process obscure clues shroud in a world of mystery, secrets, deception, hidden agendas, and manipulative behaviors would train me in ways I had never imagined I would need. As it turns out, it proved invaluable in preserving my sanity in the madness I would find myself living in—a million miles away from the innocence of a trusting girl. Many years later, as my faith grew and deepened, so would my ability to trust in the discernment of the Holy Spirit to lead me in all truth and to not solely rely on my own ability to reason and understand.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes…. (Prov. 3:5-7)

What I want to leave you with here is that nothing that becomes a part of our life, our experiences, or our story is ever wasted; all things have a place and purpose if we allow God to use them for good.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. (Rom. 8:28)

As I became a young adult, Victorian-era romance novels became my favorite choice. The ladies were depicted as refined and beautiful while donned in their elaborate gowns, which, at the time, I imagined would be just wonderful. I have long relinquished that thought, as there is no one who loves their blue jeans more than I do…and a corset? I don’t think so! The gentlemen of the day carried an air of distinction and authority as they roamed their mansions and estates. Of course, the most exciting male character was portrayed as a handsome and debonair scoundrel who always ended up being the most chivalrous as the story unfolded—strong and gallant, like the ideal knight who lived by a strict code of honor and courage. He would always rescue the damsel in distress and ride off with her on his powerful stallion. They would fall in love and live happily-ever-after!

At the age of 25, I thought I had married my very own knight in shining armor. I met this tall, handsome military man while we were both assigned to the same Army Reserve Headquarters Training Unit. Because I was dating another gentleman at the time, we became only friends. But I always felt as if he noticed or saw me and that he had a desire to know me when I was in his presence. Not understanding that these deep desires to be seen, heard, and known were my vulnerable places even back then, I was easily drawn into the snare of his narcissism, which was camouflaged in kindness and an easygoing manner. As it turns out, I also have many of the character traits that are very desirable to a narcissist, which made me a target on two levels. Not too long after the breakup of my former relationship, we began dating (always a bad decision, but what did I know?), and the rest, as they say, is history.

I would berate myself many years later for falling prey to such a man—for my foolishness and lack of insight. But the Lord would reveal to me, when the time was right, that my desire to be seen, heard, known, and loved was not unique to a weak minority. Rather, they are universal longings in every human heart—yearnings placed there by God who intended them to be fulfilled. This began my quest to discover more about these yearnings: how and why they originated and are so important to our overall sense of well-being. I wanted to understand what happens when these crucial elements are not fulfilled as well as the wonderful results when they are.

In this book we’ll look at some people of ancient times, as preserved in the Bible, who also lived in a form of silent desperation such as myself and many others. We will examine how their cries for help were answered and their needs were satisfied. We will also look into the heart and mind of an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in its various degrees, survival techniques when caught in their snare, and various paths to freedom. I’ll speak into what character traits are commonly looked for in prospective victims, who are bought more like a new car or household appliance, rather than cared for as a beloved spouse or other relationship formed in deception. You are indeed a victim of abuse in a relationship with a narcissist even if you bear no outward bruises, scars, or broken bones. Although the wounds inflicted by an individual with NPD are usually invisible to the untrained eye as the manipulative emotional and mental abuse suffered is commonly perpetrated behind closed doors, it is no less painful—and, in fact, can be in many ways worse—than the visible manifestations of abuse.

The purpose of this book is to shed light upon, grant understanding of, offer coping mechanisms within, point out roads to healing amidst, and instill hope into a growing problem that is plaguing our marriages, families, workplaces, churches, communities, nation, and world. I have found that knowledge is power! The Bible says, My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). I hope these pages answer some of your questions of how and why many people become victims of those who have become lovers of self.

I write this book without any advanced degrees in psychology nor for monetary fees.

I am not a professional counselor, although I have had sessions with a few counselors who were experienced in understanding and addressing this form of mental illness. The content of this book is largely based upon my 25 years of experience being married to a narcissist and what I have learned during my own personal and painful journey while living within the same walls as someone with this increasingly common and destructive exaltation of self. I share here an interesting excerpt that I read taken from a speech delivered on February 15, 2017, at a Hillsdale College Leadership Seminar in Phoenix, Arizona, by Herbert E. Meyer. I feel it applies to anyone who has long-term experience in a particular situation in which they have earnestly sought wisdom and understanding as I have regarding NPD.

You cannot say something insightful, or even something intelligent, on a subject or issue about which you don’t know anything. Analysts must be among the world’s most knowledgeable individuals in their fields of expertise. And they must have that one elusive and unquantifiable skill that so often brings success in every venture: the ability to spot a pattern with the fewest possible facts—the ability to look at what’s known and combine this with their own knowledge, experience, and good judgment, to come up with a new idea or insight.¹

He spoke about a man named Bill Casey who did just this by sitting quietly in his office; reading, writing, and—thinking.

This had become the pattern of my own life when I was immersed in my most desperate situations in which I needed clarity, insights, wisdom, and the ability to see the unseen with little tangible evidence (although evidence does surface over time when you know what to look for). It was in these quiet places while reading, writing, pondering, thinking, and praying that the patterns began to take on form and illuminate my mind’s eye. While centered in this state of being still and attentive, I was able to clearly hear God’s voice speak truth into my heart. I would write this in one of my many journals on September 5, 2015:

From years of living with [someone with] a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and receiving Your insights, I can pick up the scent of a narcissist like a hound dog.

Trust in your instincts and God-given intuition (woman’s intuition is a real gift!) when you perceive a pattern or cycle of behavior that is causing dysfunction instead of harmony. Think upon it, test it, and then wait patiently to discern its source. The excellent professional information I have accumulated from a few sources on this subject, as well as knowledge gleaned from my own personal experiences with counseling, have broadened my understanding of—and confirmed my diagnosis of—the oppressive silent abuse I (and many others) have experienced living with this anomaly.

Some of my most helpful, comforting, empowering, and healing sources (apart from the Word of God) have come from talking personally with (or reading firsthand accounts of) women who themselves have been married to or in a relationship with a narcissist and/or someone with another form of addictive and dysfunctional behavior. When you live in a place of silent desperation—trapped in the endless cycle of bizarre, erratic, irrational, dark, deceptive, destructive, and manipulative behaviors that are almost impossible to explain to another because of the hidden and nonsensical nature of it all—you feel so isolated in your pain. It is like stumbling upon a refreshing oasis in the middle of a desert wasteland to talk with someone who finally understands you and knows what you are living amidst! This is true in any case or circumstance in which someone is being oppressed, abused, neglected, or enslaved, or is feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unloved. Through my personal story, my eyes have been opened and my heart enlarged to see the universal human need of all people to be seen, heard, known, and loved in a world that is becoming increasingly insensitive to and lacking love for anyone but self.

I write this book with a heart of deep gratitude for the multitude of blessings that have been bestowed upon my life from the hand of God. But please know that these words also spring forth from a place of silent desperation that almost consumed me. On countless occasions an unwelcomed dark cloud blew over what could have been sunny days of peace, joy, contentment, and love. In the midst of my beautiful garden of blessings, there lay hidden briars, the thorns of which would slowly tear me apart from the inside out as I walked gingerly through 25 years of what would become my private hell alongside a narcissist. It is my hope and prayer, whether you are a believer or nonbeliever in the Christian faith, that if you find yourself suffering from some form of abuse or injustice in which God never intended, you are led to a place of enlightenment, empowerment, peace, comfort, healing, hope, joy, courage, freedom, and quiet strength!

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they shall run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

(Isa. 40:28-31 NIV)

1

Silent Desperation

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it;

it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—

then I could hide from him.

But it is you, a man, my equal,

my companion, my familiar friend.

(Ps. 55:12-13)

My life became

a living hell: a prison sentence; not behind visible bars but set in place by a gold ring and a vow. A nightmare I couldn’t escape upon waking. A silent place of pain because it was invisible to the outside world, but a daily reality to my lonely heart and confused mind. I was visible but never seen. I spoke but was never heard. I was present but was never known. An inescapable cycle of bizarre behaviors, lies (without shame), evolving patterns, empty promises, and fake identities. It was an insanity that kept me walking on the edge of despair into years of numbness, emptiness, near hopelessness, and incredible loneliness. The darkness of it all almost swallowed my life—body, soul, mind, and spirit.

Any attempt at below-the-surface communication became meaningless words, an ocean of deceit, inexcusable excuses, promises void of fulfillment, twisted manipulations, and an endless stream of nothingness until all words trickled to a halt and ran dry. I, out of a means of survival, began to live—not by what was seen or heard—but by what wasn’t. I lived by intuition, my senses heightened to that of a person who is blind or deaf. Even with that, I was still often sideswiped when I stumbled upon countless bombs that would rip apart the last shreds of wishful thinking, thoughts of basic human decency, and my happily-ever-after dream. The accumulation of these dark manifestations sent me into such emotional turmoil that I lived like a soldier in a war zone, aware that my husband-turned-enemy was near and waiting for the next opportunity to assault me and my fragmented identity, fragile nerves, and broken heart. It got so that just being in his presence would trigger such inner stress and adrenaline rushes that I realized I was suffering symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Trying to cope with the truth of that which was surreal yet very real, while also processing the slow revelation of my unraveling secret life, became a constant challenge.

To keep our family intact, secure, and strong until I could finally find my way toward an answer to the madness, I had to stay the course and play the game despite the ever-changing rules. I truly felt that one day I could flip on the right switch and my husband would be enlightened to his destructive ways and dark behaviors. I believed that victorious restoration would be had; for with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:36), and I could do all things through Christ who would strengthen me until that triumphant day (Philippians 4:13)! I waited almost 25 years for that day, which never came. It would be almost 20 years before the Lord would reveal what truth lay behind the masks that had left me in silent desperation. And although my husband didn’t change, my circumstances didn’t change, and my loneliness and anguish didn’t change, I changed. As my spouse almost completely broke this jar of clay into tiny pieces, I became barely recognizable to who I once was. But in God’s perfect timing, He gathered up all of my broken pieces and gently remolded me, placed me into the Refiner’s fire, and then brought me forth—stronger, purer, and ready for new life in Him alone. It was in this place of breaking and surrender that He exchanged my silent desperation for quiet inner strength, and I will joyfully never be the same again!

This is a personal story of my experience living within the silent abuse and bondage called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and how I not only survived but now thrive because my Lord saved me from the ruins. It is a testimony of how even in the depth of our dark despair and unmet yearnings of the heart, God sees us, hears our cries, knows everything about our plight, and has compassion for us. He is tirelessly eradicating the evils of this fallen world and exchanging them for good, to bring something beautiful out of the ashes! May this book be a powerful source of hope, knowledge, truth, courage, justice, peace, healing, and freedom.

As for you, you meant evil against me,

but God meant it for good.

(Gen. 50:20)

He gives beauty for ashes,

gladness for mourning,

and hope for despair.

(Isa. 61:3)

Dear Lord,

This life often seems to me an intricately woven web and I, the sad and sorry insect that got caught up in it. I have struggled against the confines of it, feeling trapped but remembering the blessed moments of freedom and longing to fly again. My struggle against its threads only serve to bind me more. I would feel victorious when I thought I had made some gain, only to find I was no better off than I was before. Things looked so bleak as each attempt to escape left me exhausted, drained, and discouraged. My enemy looms ever near, taunting me to just give up the fight. Despite the dismal circumstances, just one more try—one more angle—seemed worth the effort to keep pressing on toward freedom and peace. As the enemy grew impatient and I felt him draw near, I finally surrendered myself to my fate. I lay still in my confinement and waited.

It was in that quiet time of surrender and complete submission that I felt the threads that gripped me so tightly begin to loosen. At first I thought I was dreaming or that I had died; and I had. I had died to self and was made alive again in Christ. The bonds that had held me captive now felt like arms of protection and love. The soft breeze of new life swung me gently on the wings of God’s grace and mercy. I finally realized that my Lord was with me all along; He was with me through each struggle, battle, fear, and temptation. And that it was in my weakness that You alone were strong and more than sufficient for me. As you breathed new life into my renewed spirit, I was once more free to fly above the confines of this earthly body and broken heart. I realized with absolute certainty that it was in my complete brokenness that I was made completely whole. I lay in the silken web quietly knowing my enemy who laid the trap is ever near and watching, but also very aware that my Savior is even nearer and will set me free at just the right time.

JOURNAL ENTRY — April 8, 2013

What draws the narcissist to you like a moth to a flame are the very things they will come to despise and hate in you as the closer they get to the light that intrigued them becomes the very source that illuminates their weaknesses, insecurities, self-loathing, and hidden secrets.

JOURNAL ENTRY — November 27, 2016

Ah, the narcissist love/hate relationship! I love what you do for me because I need you, but I love to make you feel unloved and unwanted because I hate myself because I need you. Therefore, I have to hate either you or myself…and I choose to hate you and love me!

You Want…Life With a Narcissist

By Deborah Jayne

You want me to smile,

but you give me no joy.

You want me to hug you,

but you make me feel unsafe.

You want me to hold your hand,

but you stay at arm’s length.

You want me to kiss you,

but you share no intimacy.

You want me to laugh,

but you always make me cry.

You want me to share,

but you give so sparingly.

You want me to trust,

but you always tell lies.

You want me to open up,

but you are so closed.

You want me to talk,

but you remain silent.

You want me to be transparent,

but you stay hidden.

You want to hear my thoughts,

but you never listen.

You want my whole heart,

but share none of your own.

2

The Classic Characteristics of a

Person With Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(My Education of the Dark Side)

A

symptom or

group of symptoms are labeled as a disease or disorder because they exhibit certain distinguishable qualities that set them apart from other diseases or illnesses. When a person is diagnosed with cancer, although it may manifest in different parts of the body and take on many forms, there are specific qualities and characteristics of the disease that categorize it as a form of cancer. A person diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is given that diagnosis because they manifest enough of the commonly known attributes. Likewise, although there are differing degrees and manifestations of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), certain recurring and distinguishing character traits become apparent. To be honest, the depth of my initial understanding of a narcissist was that they were vain (having an excessively high regard for one’s self, looks, etc.; conceited) and seemed to enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror. I have learned through personal experience that this is certainly true. However, the depth of the disorder in its totality is a different animal altogether, and I was completely unaware for many years that it was this mental illness that was growing like an insidious disease and overshadowing every aspect of my life, marriage, and family.

As I stated in the Introduction, a narcissist shops very carefully for their victim. Most of them become almost completely codependent on their object, so they must choose wisely who will become their desired host. I know that the words object, host, and supply sound like terrible terms to describe a spouse or significant other in a relationship, but they unfortunately—yet very accurately—reflect how a narcissist views their mate. After many years in my marriage, I actually used the word object in describing to my husband how he made me feel before I ever had knowledge of what I was dealing with. Male narcissists choose a mate that matches their ideal of a trophy wife or girlfriend (and prospective mother, if a family is part of the plan): a woman they consider impressive in physical appearance, intelligence, character, how others view her, etc. This is a very personal evaluation stemming from the mind and needs of the narcissist, not a stroke to my own ego! A female narcissist will go shopping for similar attributes in a partner.

By our one-year anniversary, not only was I already being confronted with what seemed like irresponsible and irrational behavior—which I had been hopeful was just a maturity issue that would work itself out over time—but I was also pregnant with our first child. By the time I was expecting our second daughter three years later, his cold indifference was manifesting itself with more frequency and in hurtful ways behind closed doors. I was still highly determined and positive that the more frequent turbulence was something that time, patience, love, and communication would eventually smooth out, making right all that was starting to go wrong. I would use these incentives to keep my hope alive, and our beautiful family together, for almost two decades before the Holy Spirit would reveal the truth to my spirit during a desperate time of prayer: Your husband is a narcissist…spoken as clearly and simply as that. This knowledge initiated my lessons into a truth I desperately needed to know while it simultaneously validated a dark world that I had wished didn’t exist.

I was praying this Scripture when the Spirit spoke to me:

Make me to know Your ways, O LORD;

teach me Your paths.

Lead me in the truth and teach me…."

(Ps. 25:4-5, emphasis mine)

I will fill in more of the gaps of how this abusive and manipulative disorder plays itself out in very specific ways, habits, behavior patterns, repetitive cycles, etc., with remarkably very little variance. As I wrote earlier, there are degrees within every disorder, but the classic characteristics are within a recognizable range for those who have experienced a significant amount of time in a relationship with a narcissist, especially when one knows what to look for. Truthfully, it is quite uncommon for a person to stay in a marriage or relationship with a narcissist for 25 years, as the union formed in its early stage is long dead, and the victim is usually deeply frustrated and/or shattered. There are often many years of counseling, therapy, and healing that follow the trail of tears and pain once the victim is released from their entanglement to a narcissist: either by fleeing, force, or rescue. By God’s grace and with my fighter spirit that was determined that our marriage would not fail, I was able to endure the dysfunctional environment long enough to experience (and even anticipate) firsthand the bizarre behavior patterns in all their dark forms.

The personal stories I have heard, as well as those I have read about since my enlightenment, are eerily similar despite a person’s race, background, education level, vocation, etc. The heart and mind of a narcissist are the key determining factors. I believe that there are very specific components that play into the development of this mindset, which I will touch on in subsequent chapters. For now, though, I want to lay out a list of classic character traits commonly associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I know this list is lengthy, but I believe that including as many of the characteristics that are medically documented (and I have experienced personally) can be empowering to people in a relationship with a narcissist. Victims are often perplexed about what they know is the reality of their lives, yet they have no printed words to validate what feels like insanity. (Note: Since narcissism is on a continuum, some people will have more traits than others; these are not all-inclusive.)

The characteristics of a narcissist² are as follows:

Self-centered; their needs are paramount, supreme, higher than any other

No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds

Unreliable and undependable

Does not care about the consequences of their actions

Projects faults onto others—high blaming behavior; it’s never their fault

Little to no conscience

Insensitive to the needs and feelings of others

Puts on a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others

Low stress tolerance; easy to anger and rage

Manipulates others in order to meet their own needs

Rationalizes easily; twists conversations for their own gain but at the other person’s expense; if trapped, they keep talking, clam up, change the subject, or get angry

Pathological lying

Have a tremendous need to control situations, conversations, other people

No real values; mostly situational

Often perceived as caring and understanding, and uses this to manipulate

Uses sex to control

Does not share ideas, feelings, or emotions

Conversation controller; must have the first and last word

Lives a secret life: hides money, friends, activities

Likes annoying others and to create chaos and disruption for no reason

Moody: switches from nice guy to angry without much provocation

Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations or think about financial issues

Seldom expresses appreciation unless using it as a manipulation tool

Grandiose; convinced they know more than others do and are correct in all they do

Lacks ability to see how they come across to others

Defensive when confronted about their behavior; never their fault

Can become emotional and tearful; this is about show and frustration rather than true sorrow

Breaks a person’s spirit to keep them dependent

Uses threats and intimidation to keep others close to them

Sabotages partner; wants them to be happy only through them and have few outside acquaintances

Highly contradictory

Very convincing; must convince people to side with them

Hides their real self; always on, performing for others

Kind only when they are getting what they want from you

Has to be right, has to win, has to look good

Announces and states rather than discusses; tells rather than asks

Does not discuss openly; has a hidden agenda

Controls the money of others but spends freely on self

Unilateral condition of: I am okay and justified so I don’t need to hear your position, opinions, or ideas

Does not listen and does not care; always feels misunderstood

Talks about their surface feelings and irritations, not acknowledging their partner’s

Not interested in problem-solving (counseling) as they see themselves with no problems

Very good at reading people so they can manipulate them

Apparent absence of empathy as well as emotional maturity

May be charming and humble in public; acts as innocent victim to gain sympathy

Puts people down behind their backs

Promises things they have no intention of giving

Easily bored; changes their source of supply (mates, friends, coworkers)

You feel miserable with this person; they drain you; anyone who has been in love with a narcissist will testify that the experience left them lifeless

Whew! I know. After the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was dealing with a narcissist, I was anxious to discover what that really meant and finally shed some light on something that had overshadowed my life for so long. I knew that everything I was experiencing for over 20 years was real (although when you live within the bizarre for long enough, you begin to question your own sanity!); yet, this information only served to affirm what my heart, mind, and intuition had been screaming for years. It had a name; this real, yet elusive, phenomenon that plagued our marriage, our family, and my entire life had a name!

At the same time, though, I was filled with a gnawing fear that I couldn’t quite voice. I knew in my spirit that something that had invaded every crevice of my being wasn’t going to be a good thing. The above list was the first thing that popped up on my screen when I googled for information. My hands were shaking, my mouth was dry, I felt hot and cold at the same time, and tears slid down my face as line after line spoke directly into my silent insanity. The force behind the dark veil was without a doubt Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Somehow, it would have been easier to know that my spouse didn’t realize what he was doing. But the truth is that narcissists know exactly what they are doing, which I slowly and sadly became aware of over the years. The hell they create for their object(s) is a conscious choice and a delight for their narcissistic ego.

My reality was now confirmed. When I reached the end of the list, I sat numb, not knowing if I should feel relieved or fall into deeper despair. The solution, course of action, remedy, and counsel most often given to victims of such abuse was a resounding Get out…it is a match made in hell! Narcissists do not change for they have no desire to change; they are unable or unwilling to acknowledge anything wrong within themselves. Any problems are external. They see themselves as autonomous. This attitude makes the whole idea of marriage as a union between two people quite ridiculous in the true heart and mind of a narcissist. It was vastly different from the mindset that I, as a Christian woman had, which was deeply committed to the vow I had made until death do us part (even if made under false pretenses on my husband’s part).

At this point in time, I entered into a new dimension of spiritual conflict that would rage between us—and within my own soul—for many years to come. In the present moment, though, I cried out to God and asked, Why did You wait so long to tell me? As I sat in the quiet office staring at the computer screen, I heard His simple, yet gentle and compassionate answer: You weren’t ready to hear it yet. I bowed my head in silent surrender and gratefulness, acknowledging that He was right. If I had known all those years ago what I knew in this very moment, I would have left. I wouldn’t have been able to persevere in ignorant hope if I had known the truth in my yet-untamed spirit. But I also knew in that defining moment all I would have missed and lost had I not stayed and let the strength, hope, and love of Jesus Christ carry me through and deepen my faith for such a time as this. What now?

My inward parts are in turmoil and never still;

days of affliction come to meet me.

I go about darkened, but not by the sun;

I stand in the assembly and cry for help.

…the pain that gnaws me takes no rest. (Job 30:27-28, 17)

But He knows the way that I take;

when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

My foot shall hold fast to His steps;

I have kept His way and have not turned aside.

For He will complete what He appoints for me,

and many such things are in His mind. (Job 23:10-11, 14)

Additional, and Often Subtle, Characteristics of NPD: The Man Behind the Mask

"When we see nothing more to life than the satisfaction

of our own appetites and ego, it is vanity." 

–Robert Ango, a Priest

JOURNAL ENTRY — July 2013

I love to teach as much as I love to learn, but this is one education I wish I could ignore or pass over. But knowledge is power, knowledge equals responsibility, knowledge spurs action. 

I have come to believe that knowledge is power. I knew that I could cope much better with the pain, strife, and dysfunction in my marriage and home when I had an understanding of its root. This is why I felt it important to furnish and fortify victims of a person with NPD with as much knowledge that I could supply based on research and personal experience.

I began to journal in 2000, but I started serious journal writing at the beginning of 2011. As the communication between my husband and I dwindled steadily over the years down to a mere trickle—my fears, anxieties, stress and pain levels, and silent desperation kept increasing until the floodwaters threatened to completely overtake and drown me. As I was forced into silence by a man who wouldn’t see me, hear me, desire to know me, nor love me, writing my words was my only real outlet for all that was in turmoil within me.

As I