5 Behaviors of Wise Parents: The Only Parenting Book You'll Ever Need

By Steven W. Vannoy

Oh No, Not Another Parenting (and Grandparenting) Book!

Seriously, this is not just another parenting book. This book is a game-changer in the parenting world. Built on three decades of sound parenting philosophy-and put into practice with thousands of parenting groups throughout the world, that be

• Language: English
• Publisher: The 10 Greatest Gifts Project
• Release date: Dec 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9798987419816

Book preview

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5 Behaviors of Wise Parents

Copyright © 2023 Steven W. Vannoy

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Neither the publisher or the author is engaged in rendering legal or other professional services through this book. If expert assistance is required, the services of an appropriate competent professional should be sought. The author and publisher shall have neither liability or responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly by the parenting information contained in this book.

ISBN paperback: 979-8-9874198-0-9

ISBN ebook: 979-8-9874198-1-6

ISBN audiobook: 979-8-9874198-2-3

Contact the author—

10 Greatest Gifts Project, 10GreatestGifts.org

[e-mail]

I humbly dedicate this book to Helen Ma Vannoy,

the best mother I have ever met.

Contents

Introduction: A Better Way of Parenting

Part I:

The 10 Greatest Gifts Approach to Parenting

1. How We Can Give Our Children Positive Qualities, Values, and Character

2. Life-Changing Gifts: The 5 Behaviors of Wise Parents

3. The Model Behavior

4. The Message Behavior

5. The Teach Behavior

6. The Listen Behavior

7. The Focus Behavior

8. Give Clear Guidelines

9. Elevate the Impact of Our Compliments

10. The No That Works

11. Magic Moments: The Life-Changing Pause

12. The Recipe for Partnership

Part II:

The Challenges

13. Families Are Struggling

14. The Reason for Our Passion

Part III:

The 10 Gifts and the 5 Behaviors in Action

15. The Gift of Self-Reliance (Learning to Think for Themselves)

16. The Gift of Humor

17. The Gift of Love and Closeness

18. The Gift of Empowering Children’s Dreams

19. The Gift of Responsibility

20. The Gift of Communication

21. The Gift of Honesty

22. The Gift of Sense of Significance and Belonging

23. The Gift of Confidence

24. The Gift of Resilience and Grit

Part IV:

Our Gifts

25. Frequently Asked Questions

Acknowledgments

About the 10 Greatest Gifts Project

About the Author, in His Words

Introduction

A Better Way of Parenting

Thirty years ago, I was a desperate parent of two young girls. I was divorced, bankrupt, and directionless, and my daughters became the North Star for my life. I asked other parents for guidance and ended up interviewing hundreds of them, then analyzed and framed their wisdom by self-publishing The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children. The book caught Simon & Schuster’s attention and catapulted to become a New York Times bestseller.

Released over thirty years ago, my book The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children is still a top seller for Simon & Schuster. In that book, I discuss these ten gifts of qualities and values I wanted to give my children (and yours):

Feeling Fully

Self-esteem

Compassion

Balance

Humor

Communication

Abundance

Integrity

Responsibility

Conscious Choice

My gift list for this book is a little different. As my family has matured, as many of my early readers are now grandparents, and as family challenges continue to evolve, my most important gift list has also evolved.

Self-Reliance (Learning to Think for Themselves)

Humor

Love and Closeness

Empowering Children’s Dreams

Responsibility

Communication

Honesty

Sense of Significance and Belonging

Confidence

Resilience and Grit

The 10 Greatest Gifts name has stayed with us through the decades. As you’ll see throughout this book, I call our work the 10 Greatest Gifts Operating System and our nonprofit spinoff the 10 Greatest Gifts Project. All proceeds from books and media support our work at the 10 Greatest Gifts Project where we are conducting parenting seminars and workshops with a network of facilitators throughout the country. You can visit us at 10GreatestGifts.org. The mission of our 10 Greatest Gifts Project is this: Uplifting Lives and Creating Infinite Connections, Possibilities, and Love.

This book is one outcome of our work at the 10 Greatest Gifts Project.

An Upstream Approach to Parenting

You are about to explore an upstream family-building approach that has circled the globe for thirty years. Upstream means building healthy families from the get-go instead of trying to fix problems downstream or after the fact.

Upstream families reflect three consistent traits:

They exhibit character and behavioral traits such as responsibility, honesty, and self-reliance.

These families set clear guidelines and boundaries—a clear path up front—versus fire-fighting and dealing with misbehavior later.

With solid qualities and a clear path up front, these children thrive and grow up to become healthy, productive citizens.

On my Simon & Schuster book tour, a parent asked me, This book saved my family. Do you have anything to save my corporation? I grew up as a Nebraska farm boy, and planting was my specialty. So I planted the 10 Greatest Gifts seeds with Fortune 100 corporate leaders to enhance their families, work culture, and profitability. (Guess what strong global leaders do? They get promoted to other companies worldwide.)

Then, long before ideas could go viral, old-fashioned word of mouth spread the 10 Greatest Gifts concepts across oceans to thirty-six countries on five continents through book translations. As a result, the 10 Greatest Gifts timeless tenets now resonate and flourish with parents in every time zone. And the best part? We continue to learn from our friends elsewhere.

With such diverse cultures, there seem to be few things we all have in common—except the love of children. Regardless of race, creed, faith, age, income, or family structure, we agree that children deserve a foundation of feeling valued and belonging. Over three decades, the 10 Greatest Gifts approach has already demonstrated its all-embracing endorsement.

It’s no secret that most parenting approaches exist to fix problems—what I call downstream approaches. The kids fight, disregard chores, neglect education (you know the routine), and the more we try to fix these problems, the more these ingrained problems persist. What happens when we try to fix our shy child? That’s right—since the child goes toward their focus—the child becomes even more stubbornly shy. What happens when we try to fix a child who’s lying? They start to see themselves as liars and continue lying. With the old fix-it approaches, parents learn to manipulate, cajole—yes, even beg—their children and subsequently invite disrespect and chaos into their homes.

The 10 Greatest Gifts approach is different. It focuses on 5 common parenting (and grandparenting) Behaviors we naturally exhibit as adults—model, message, teach, listen, and focus. However, when we intentionally and fully leverage the power and magic of these 5 Behaviors, we create great families. Here is the graphic (at right) I will refer to throughout this book.

This book is easy to use:

Part I covers the 10 Greatest Gifts foundational approach and tools, including the 5 Behaviors of wise parents.

Part II delves into the challenging issues and why we are passionate about this approach.

Part III reviews ten gifts of qualities and values we can give our children using the 10 Greatest Gifts methods. In this section, you will see the interplay and usefulness of the 10 Greatest Gifts tools in everyday situations.

Part IV answers your frequently asked questions.

You’ll soon notice that I often share teaching stories instead of using the typical self-help book how-to verbiage. This is because I think stories are more fun, natural, and valuable.

Tip: It’s best not to read this book in one or two sittings. Read a chapter or a few sections, let them soak in, and test them with your family. Please make notes (in a separate journal perhaps) detailing how and where you will use each concept. Then come back the next day with a hunger to learn more. Every idea in this book has been thoroughly tested and proven.

As you explore the chapters and their subsections, you’ll notice that I’ve included stories from my childhood farming days. Why? Every story and each insight is applicable and repeatable today, no matter where we live or what we do. Perhaps there’s even a story about milking cows.

In the chapters in Part III on giving the 10 Greatest Gifts, I’ve included a summary of core action steps on giving that gift. Please add some of your additional ideas to your journal notes. Also, I’ve italicized the 5 Behaviors—model, message, teach, listen, and focus—most prominently used in each example.

You’ll find a QR code here that links to our 10 Greatest Gifts app. Download a ready reminder of the 10 Greatest Gifts tools on your phone. You’ll carry decades of rich, field-tested wisdom for children from parents in Barcelona to Bolivian villages to New York City’s Upper East Side and small towns in Kansas.

My goal for this book is to give you insight, motivation, and confidence to build a family even beyond your dreams. Together we will foster self-control, dignity, and self-respect in children, in addition to so many other qualities and values we explore here. As a result, we will build close, loving, healthy families. Our unconscious, namby-pamby, or controlling ways of parenting will fade, resulting in effervescent, confident kids living the lives they were born to enjoy.

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Chapter 1

How We Can Give Our Children Positive Qualities, Values, and Character

Let’s see, should I give my child a new bike or the lifetime gift of responsibility? Or what about a new guitar or the gift of thinking for herself?

We all know the answers. Physical gifts pale by comparison. But how do we give these life-changing gifts? We know we can’t instill these gifts of values and character by doing nothing or with a lecture, book, class, or game.

Instead, we instill these gifts in every interaction we have with our children by harnessing the powerful interplay of the 10 Greatest Gifts Operating System. As a result, all 5 Behaviors of wise parents simultaneously magnify each other, and I discuss this process in this first part of this book.

First behavior: We consciously model the behavior, attitudes, and gifts we’d like to give our children. If we want to raise responsible, honest, and caring children, we’re the ones who must live that way.

Second behavior: We give a clear message on what’s important to our family and us. For example, Kaden, it’s important to me that everyone in our family learns to take care of themselves. Later, when we observe a clear example of this behavior, we again use a message. Kaden, I admire how you take care of your toys. Please notice how the acknowledgment was sincere, specific, and selective. (I explain more about the 3 Ss soon.)

Third behavior: We ask a teach question to create clarity and ownership. For example, Kaden, what is your plan to take care of your new train set? or Kaden, why is taking care of your toys so important to you? We ask wise teach questions even when our children are young, when their answers may be limited. We plant seeds of wisdom years before the rationale behind the merit of good choices flourishes.

Fourth behavior: We listen. Whenever possible, we stop what we’re doing and give our child our full attention without interrupting and sharing our better ideas. (Which, unfortunately, I’m often prone to offer in abundance.)

Fifth behavior: We focus on when our child makes a reasonable effort and moves in a good direction. We focus on what’s going well in our life and family and what we’re learning from each situation, even in the challenging moments.

Every family I’ve ever met has a slightly different vision of the gifts of qualities, values, character, and behavior traits most dear to their family. As you’ll see in Part III of this book, I’ve picked ten that are especially important to my family. I’ll list them here, but I won’t define each gift. Why? We all know these gifts and why they are crucial to our children.

Learning to think for themselves

Humor

Love and closeness

Empowering children’s dreams

Responsibility

Communication

Honesty

A sense of significance and belonging

Confidence

Resilience and grit

As you explore the upcoming chapters, you’ll see the 5 Behaviors in action in different scenarios.

Here’s the best part. As we use these 5 Behaviors—model, message, teach, listen, and focus—we not only give these priceless gifts to our children, we also give them to ourselves. So, for example, the best way to give my children the gift of responsibility is to be responsible in my life. And the best way to give my children a sense of humor is to develop my own sense of humor.

In most chapters, you’ll see this graphic of the 5 Behaviors. As you’ll soon discover, the 10 Greatest Gifts Operating System often operates in this order: model, message, teach, listen, focus. You’ll also notice that all 5 Behaviors are continually operating, simultaneously magnifying and creating synergies with each other.

As we’ll soon explore in the focus behavior chapter, we go toward our focus. Therefore, wise families take time to focus on which gifts are essential to them. I encourage you to plan a special dinner together with your partner if you have one and explore the following questions. Then, as your children mature (when they are perhaps nine years old or older), invite them to join you with questions like these:

What qualities, values, character, and behavioral traits are reflected in our family?

What are we already doing to develop and nurture these gifts?

What additional gifts would we like to develop and nurture in our family?

How will those gifts be priceless to our children now and throughout their lives?

What can we now do better, do more of, or do in addition to develop and nurture these gifts?

This process naturally helps our children develop pride and ownership within their families. I call the process the recipe for partnership and explore in more depth toward the end of this part of the book.

My daughters (Ali, now 36 years old, and Emmy, now 38) and I first did this exercise over dinner when they were eight and ten. Our framed list still hangs on our kitchen wall—and since we go toward our focus—we frequently celebrate how our family models these gifts. It’s a game-changer for our family.

Life’s challenges infringe upon us all, yet wise families know how priceless these family gifts are. They know that young people without these gifts often face poor school performance, drug and alcohol abuse, heartache and broken families, poverty, homelessness, and imprisonment. On the other hand, young people with these gifts will more often walk into a life of self-control, effectiveness, and fulfillment. They add to our world rather than drain our society. Wise families know that these gifts often make the difference between a life of struggle and problems versus a life of blessings and joy.

After thirty-plus years of researching, testing, and refining the 10 Greatest Gifts tools and concepts I discuss in this book and our foundation’s programs, two points have become crystal clear to me:

First, the gifts of qualities, values, character, and behavioral traits are priceless to our children’s lives.

Second, giving these gifts is absolutely achievable!

Chapter 2

Life-Changing Gifts: The 5 Behaviors of Wise Parents

Kathryn and Anthony dreamed of becoming grandparents. Poof! Their dream came true: Four-year-old granddaughter Lilly arrived unexpectedly for a three-month stay. What was their vision for this time together? To positively influence Lilly’s life and create memories of this time with them that she would cherish forever.

But the road got rocky fast. It was Lilly’s first morning getting ready for preschool.

Lilly, here’s that unicorn top you liked! Let’s put it on! Kathryn said sweetly.

No! Lilly crossed her arms.

Lilly, eat up, or you’ll get hungry at school this morning, Kathryn continued.

No!

As Anthony drove away to drop Lilly off at preschool, Kathryn felt more anxious for the first day of school than Lilly. She knew that Lilly might remember this day, but not in a good way.

What if these 5 Behaviors are shockingly effective, and we already use them?

Model, message, teach, listen, focus: These are behaviors we’ve used for most of our lives in all of our interactions, including those with our children. These 5 Behaviors, used effectively, nurture our children’s priceless qualities, values, character, and behavioral traits. Conversely, when not used effectively, they harm our children and our relationships.

At the 10 Greatest Gifts Project, we look at these 5 Behaviors as an operating system. For example, we all know that our children don’t respond well to lectures and telling. We also know these old methods don’t build and nurture our children’s core values and character traits.

Our children receive their qualities and values from our everyday interactions with them. When we effectively use these 5 Behaviors—this operating system—in every one of our interactions with our children, we transmit priceless qualities and values.

This chapter and the following chapters aim to up-level our use of these 5 Behaviors. In them, you will discover which pieces you will adapt and use for your family.

Millions of wise parents and grandparents already mastering these 5 Behaviors love them because they don’t have to memorize two hundred parenting techniques or pull them out of their sleeves to trick, control, or manipulate their children. Instead, we build an authentic and loving relationship where children feel valued and respected. Plus, these tools are simple behaviors that we already use, so it’s easy to upgrade and master them. As a result, they soon become second nature for all our interactions and moments.

I promise you this: We continually build healthy relationships when we use these 5 Behaviors effectively in our interactions with children and adults. As a result, we always uplift precious futures.

We invest in our family every minute of our day, from dinners to vacations, homework to bedtime, silly time to chores, and times of discipline and course correction. I believe that this time together is our most essential lifetime investment. Fully leveraging these 5 Behaviors makes our investment even more valuable.

The next five chapters explore each of the 5 Behaviors with stories and examples.

Chapter 3

The Model Behavior

May I ask you some personal questions?

Do you think our children notice when we watch two to three hours of TV per night?

Do you think our children notice when we disobey the law and exceed the speed limit?

Do you think our children notice when we leave our bed unmade and our room messy?

Do you think our children notice how we treat a puppy, a stranger, or members of our extended family?

Do you think our children notice how we eat, exercise, and care for our bodies and souls?

Do you think our children observe how we read, write, or talk?

Do you think our children notice when we are judgmental or negative toward a coworker, boss, friend, neighbor, or family member?

Do you think our children notice when we model laziness, disrespect, hopelessness, or a negative attitude?

I’ve always been direct with