Triage

By Susan Smith

Are you in shock? Are you angry? Have you found out your husband is a sex/porn addict? Do you wonder where to turn, who you can trust? Do you feel alone in your marriage with a man who avoids real intimacy like the plague? "Triage" can help you unpack this emotional wreck you've been in and help you start a path to healing. Gain strength, clarity of mind, and focus on the next steps you need to take not only to heal, but come out stronger and more confident on the other side. Find your voice and learn to live with safe boundaries. Your marriage can be saved and be the best it has ever been.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Susan Smith
• Release date: Jan 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9798201703837

Susan Smith

Susan and her husband, Kenny, have been married 44 years and live near the picturesque mountains in East Tennessee. She enjoys her 2 dogs, flower gardening in her yard and patio, and feeding lots of birds and “critters” that are lured to her yard by the ridiculous amount of food and water she serves them. In years gone by, Susan has written Sunday School curriculum for preschoolers and their teachers; volunteered as a “counselor” at the local crisis pregnancy center; homeschooled her 2 daughters through elementary school; been a pastor’s wife; directed a team as a skin care, makeup and image consultant for 25 years; and now shares a ministry with her husband to mentor couples and individuals struggling with sex/pornography addiction and the betrayal trauma it brings.After 37 years of marriage, Susan discovered her husband was a pornography addict. After many tears of brokenness, some bouts of anger, a million questions and a few expletives, Susan and Kenny began to lean on God to mend themselves and their marriage. A few years into their mending, God called them to be mentors for other couples and individuals going through the same crisis. They became mentors through Bravehearts ministry and a few years later completed training with AASAT in Sex Addiction, Partners’ Betrayal Trauma, Partners’ Recovery, and Intimacy Anorexia.Susan brings passion for helping other women find their voice as they navigate this wound into the pages of Triage, as well as honesty and vulnerability sprinkled with a bit of humor when possible. She says that a balance of knowledge about this addiction and a strong dependence on God is essential for surviving this crisis and coming out better on the other side. Find their ministry website at www.MendedMentors.com and email to [e-mail]. They are available for one-on-one mentoring and support groups, speaking engagements, and marriage retreats.

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T R I A G E

Emergency Help for the Sexually Betrayed

Introduction—Excuse me, You Are Bleeding Out

Welcome to the emergency room of the betrayed. Maybe you drove yourself here with a calm, sound mind. Maybe you saw hints of the impending crash before you married, but you didn’t understand the depth of wounding it would hold. Probably you thought marriage would fix the problem. More than likely you were blindsided and are in shock: enraged, hurting, confused and spinning in circles, not sure where to find help. Nowhere seems safe since the wreck and you are right…, not everywhere or everyone is safe or helpful. You are bleeding out from your broken heart. You are not even sure how this happened; this was never supposed to happen to him. Nor you. Sexual addiction? Pornography addiction? You may wonder, Why didn’t I see the flashing warning signs?

Oh, you aren’t breathing; don’t forget to breathe. That happens a lot here; you (the sexually betrayed) have been hit head-on by a proverbial truck. You have just realized a big part of your story is a lie. You have discovered things about your spouse (who you thought you knew) that seem impossible, and you forget to breathe. So, take a few deep breaths. You have come to the right place for help. I’ve been through this journey, too, and have not only survived, but have become more of who God made me to be in the process. Step into the Triage area so we can assess your condition, then help you to start healing.

Here in Triage, we will try to help you determine what your vital signs are saying about your present condition:

- First, we need to look at your heart and try to stop the immediate bleeding, or at least get the gushing down to a trickle. The assessment may be a bit uncomfortable, but we need to take a good honest evaluation, so we know what we are dealing with.

- Then we need to take your pulse. Is it racing like mad? Let’s calm that down so you can think clearly. Are you nearing a heart attack? Let’s observe what your reality looks like so we can help you handle some of the stress.

- Oh, then we need to check your brain, to make sure you are getting accurate information, making good decisions, and learning about this addiction and what to expect. Also, your brain may be full of infectious thought distortions like: I can never compete with the women he’s watched or been with or I must not be enough. We need to get those thoughts out STAT! Well-meaning people may have given you bad advice that just wounded and traumatized you more. I’ve heard horror stories of what uninformed clergy, friends, and even some counselors have told wives who have been betrayed, bringing even more trauma. If that is you, I’m so, very sorry! I want to help you sift through the negative and incorrect thoughts until we come out with the Truth.

- Next, we hope to pick you up off the floor and put splints and casts on your broken bones so you can function in all your daily roles while you are healing. You may always walk a little differently though. As the bones heal, you may walk and move with more purpose and intention than before the crash. But even if you have some scar tissue, your inner structure may grow even stronger than before. It’s hard to imagine that now, but it is very possible. At first, when I was run over, I could not even imagine being healed or having a loving relationship with my husband ever again. I didn’t think it was possible. Now we are Mended and are enjoying the best relationship we’ve ever had. We are actually IN love again!

- Just so you know, you will be in physical (mental, emotional, and spiritual) therapy for a long while. Don’t fight the process or slip into denial. Allow someone who has successfully healed before you to lead the way. You need to keep walking it out, learning, and gaining strength and confidence every day. Now is the time to lean completely into our Heavenly Father, because He is the Great Healer.

- Also, please try to let go of anger and wanting revenge on the driver of the addiction truck that crushed you. That just results in perpetually wounding each other. It gives your Enemy a foothold in your life. God has search and rescue closing in on the driver, and you don’t want to hinder what God wants to do.

- The goal of Triage is to come to your aid with a lot of deep information quickly, thus the name Triage. I hope to pick you up out of the wreckage and set you on a healing path. My hope is that you will be mended, maybe even better, stronger and more empowered than the old you.

We also hope to rescue and restore the driver of the vehicle that plowed you down, and to mend your marriage. Your initial feelings may be to lock him in the prison he made for himself and throw away the key. But if you will stick with me for these lessons, I think you will find a more excellent way to deal with this life-disrupting problem. While you cannot control your husband’s choices about recovery or the outcome of him finding freedom, you can focus on YOU and work on your own healing. Here in Triage, Emergency Help for the Sexually Betrayed, our priority is just that. In fact, that is the first step.

Disclaimer: I don’t pretend to think that every marriage will be mended. Nor do I think that every husband will find sobriety, recovery, or freedom. I also know that not every wife is ready to do the hard work she needs to do in order to find real and lasting healing. I know God CAN do these miraculous things, but He still allows us free choice.

This curriculum is designed for married women who, along with their husbands, want to work on recovery, healing and a mended relationship. If you don’t fit into that description, my heart goes out to you. However, I do feel this curriculum will still be beneficial to even those women who feel they are doing it alone. It will help you do the hard work of seeking God in all your circumstances. Even if you end up divorcing, most couples will still need to have some type of communication about property, children, house repairs, etc. I think this can help you learn how to have civil conversations when needed, operate from within your boundaries, and speak your mind in truth. That will help you regain at least some control over your life.

I put TRIAGE together to get a lot of information to you quickly. I have combined what I’ve learned from many experts, books, podcasts, and video series along with my own experience going through this painful journey and compressed it into what I felt most women need to know first! It is in no way exhaustive on this subject, but a starting place to get the most help to you as quickly as I know how. I’ve written this from the perspective of a mentor, a guide who can virtually hold your hand and be your friend walking you through your pain. Only someone who has been through triage herself can truly understand what you are going through. One of our Mended Mentor-isms is We are all so different, but we are all so much the same. Our situations can vary greatly, but we understand each other’s pain.

I am not a psychologist or licensed therapist. I do have certificates from AASAT in Sexual Addiction, Partner Betrayal Trauma, Partner Recovery and Intimacy Anorexia. Also, I’m a certified professional mentor through Bravehearts. I am a woman who has learned to depend on God in a deeper way than ever before. This came about because of going through betrayal trauma brought on by my pastor husband’s pornography addiction. I have seen God do miraculous works in my husband, then in my marriage. I have the I Survived t-shirt and the scars to prove it. Since starting Mended Mentors ministry, we have seen couples restored that we thought were a bigger mess than we could help. We recognize this is a direct result of the work of God both guiding us as we lead, and the willingness of the couples to embrace God’s work in their lives. So, we keep doing our best to listen as God leads us; and we keep seeing God do amazing things in mending relationships and making them even better than before.

My prayer is for you now, as you embark in Triage, that you, your husband, and your marriage will become mended and healed abundantly more than you can ask or imagine. Ephesians 3:20

T R I A G E

1

Take an Assessment

T is the first letter in TRIAGE, so let’s start there:

Take an assessment of what just happened to you, your husband and your family. What are the facts? Did you discover pornography on your husband’s device, or catch him watching it? Did you learn of an affair, strip clubs, chat rooms or prostitutes? Or maybe he confessed some of these things and you are wondering how this could possibly be true. Get all the facts as best you can so you can begin to process them. At some point, when you are ready, it is reasonable for you to ask for full disclosure from your husband, so you know exactly what you are dealing with. Then there are no more secrets.

Take a few moments to answer these questions in a journal or on paper.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

1. What acts of sexual betrayal/lust/acting out has your husband done?

2. Did any of these cross the flesh barrier; in other words, did they involve another person, in person?

3. Did it involve sexual interaction with a live person via internet or phone?

4. Are any children involved in his sexual misbehavior?

5. Did his viewing habits get more aggressive, deviant, or increase in frequency?

6. At what age was he first exposed to nudity/sexuality?

7. Was he sexually abused?

8. When and how did you find out about his behavior/addiction?

9. Was this the first time you discovered his sexual addiction, or have you had several discoveries or confessions from him?

10. Do you feel your husband has given you a full disclosure of all of his past acting-out behavior related to his sexual addiction?

11. Was his disclosure done all at once or by revealing a little at a time?

WHO ELSE KNOWS?

12. If you have children, do they know about your husband’s behavior?

13. Have either of you told anyone else? (family, friends, clergy?)

14. If so, what kind of responses have you gotten? (grace, judgement?)

15. Are either of you currently meeting with a counselor, mentor/coach, accountability partner, or support group?

HOW ARE YOU?

16. What was your reaction when you found out?

17. What feelings are you dealing with presently?

18. Do