Bongo & Delilah Ain't Saints: B&D Capers, #3

By Winnie Winkle

Are you ready for a hilarious, out-of-this-world road trip with a twist?

 

In this sci-fi comedy adventure, Bongo and Delilah suspect that the hitchhiking alien they're helping, nicknamed Billy Bob, hasn't been entirely honest about the reasons for his visit to Earth. But when they discover that his planet is embroiled in a civil war with the dolphin-like Wrothics and that a third planet's forces are on a collision course with Earth, the stakes become much higher.

 

Earth needs allies, and fast, but navigating cultural misunderstandings and crappy political red tape makes this desperate race against time a tough assignment. And now they have to save two planets? It's a good thing they brought hooch.

 

Will they succeed? Hilarity ensues in this action-packed Sci-Fi comedy that will have you on the edge of your seat and laughing out loud as Bongo and Delilah careen into their next space, snark, and booze filled adventure!

 

Reviews:

 

Series Reviews:

Jennifer T. Conaway
5.0 out of 5 stars The fun continues!
Reviewed in the United States on December 9, 2022
Verified Purchase

 

Ladies and gents, you better hop on this series if you are looking for an escape from the daily disaster. Billy Bob, Delilah and Bongo's madcap adventures continue with the added allure of a sexy g-man and a troublesome biker gang. Pure brain fun! And a great story besides. Can't wait for number three!

D. Antonio
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
Reviewed in the United States on October 27, 2022
Verified Purchase

 

Check your brain at the door, remove all breakables from the area and make sure you won't disturb anyone; then kick back and enjoy this fun filled laugh out loud romp. I giggle snorted my way through this tale of accountants, rednecks and aliens. ET has nothing on Blleburbk. And amidst all the laughter there is a really important story about sustainability and acceptance. I adored this book and can't wait for future adventures.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Winnie Winkle
• Release date: Feb 16, 2023
• ISBN: 9798985961065

Winnie Winkle

Winnie Winkle is a fabulous Central Florida broad who swills bourbon, likes dogs and cats, and practices yoga, but not with any degree of grace. Supporting live local music is a pretty big deal to Winnie, so if you pass a gravestone that admonishes, 'Go see the band and hit the tip jar', it's probably hers. But, since she's not dead yet, she'll keep penning fun stuff to rock your reading chair. Winnie has lived in Florida for 30 years and splits her time between South Daytona Shores and the Mount Dora area. She prefers writing beach-side as much as she can because, if we’re baring our souls here, the ocean is a mighty muse and there’s only so much that coffee can do. Winnie writes humorous fiction with a new series, "The Record" releasing three titles in 2021 )Boogie Beach, Slat Shaken, Speedo Down). She also released a literary fiction, "To Walk in the World: Twin Tales of Inception in 2021. Winnie also writes (6 books so far)  paranormal and sci-fi romances for the series "The Worlds or Magic, New Mexico".

Book preview

BONGO & DELILAH AIN’T SAINTS

B&D CAPERS, BOOK 3

WINNIE WINKLE

JS Netwal, Publisher

© 2023 by Winnie Winkle

All Rights Reserved

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No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

https://wwinkle.com/

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For permission requests, contact JS Netwal, Publisher, 3408 S. Atlantic Ave., #128, Daytona Beach Shores, FL 32118

Vellum flower icon Created with Vellum

This book is dedicated to

Marjorie Netwal

Swearing with aplomb is an art form.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

About the Author

Sci-Fi Comedy

Funny Urban Fantasy

Let’s Get Social!

Other Books by Winnie Winkle

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner.

Writing requires a love for solitude. Publishing takes a team. I’d like to thank cover artist Melody Simmons for catching the vision of this series and creating three cosmic covers. Jennie Rosenblum’s editing makes me look smart, which I greatly appreciate; plus she’s fun to grab a drink with and chill. I’m grateful for the guidance of my coach Narelle Todd, whose Get My Book Out There program changed my business vision and in many ways, my own. Over the years, the friendship and inspiration of S.E. Smith shifted my narrative in multiple ways. Special love and thanks to my wonderful sidekick Mike Willams, who finds my eccentricities endearing, and who is my unflagging cheerleader.

I’m blessed to be lifted up by a wonderful group of authors: Cassandra Chandler, Jill Wallace, Candace Colt, Stephanie Harrell, Kyndra Hatch, Pauline Baird Jones, Natalie Palma, Eliza Sinclair, Electra Gajdos, and S.E. Smith. Each is a deep sounding board in the ongoing wonderment of discovering how to be a twenty-first-century creative. If you’re not reading these authors, go forth and download their incredible stories.

And, of course, great love to my children. Every day, your happiness, curiosity, and wit in a weird world delights me. Our chats keep me smiling for days.

To my newsletter subscribers and readers everywhere who bought, read, left reviews, or contacted me to share their enthusiasm for my stories… Thank you.

Reader energy sparks more than you know. Every story’s twinkle begins with you.

FOREWORD

The reviews for Bongo & Delilah Break Daytona have flowed in–and readers loved it! I wanted to share one with you.

Check your brain at the door, remove all breakables from the area and make sure you won’t disturb anyone; then kick back and enjoy this fun filled laugh out loud romp. I giggle snorted my way through this tale of accountants, rednecks and aliens. ET has nothing on Blleburbk. And amidst all the laughter there is a really important story about sustainability and acceptance. I adored this book and can’t wait for future adventures.

~D. Antonio, Amazon reader

It’s a privilege to write comedy that makes you think, and knowing readers love those threads is the most incredible feeling. Ever.

ONE

Interstate 10 is a long ass road.

Where are we? Delilah rubbed her temples, taking in another stretch of trees and nothin’.

South of Tallahassee, Mama Cafferey piped from the backseat. We’re near the St. Marks Preserve. I’ve got kin on Mama’s side still living there.

Quite conscious that her mama’s ghost was hanging out somewhere in the car, I nodded, eyes on the road. After the past month, a mere ghost didn’t move the needle on the weird-o-meter.

What are they preserving? Billy, our Hepcurtian sidekick, looked up from the gadget he held, curious.

Everything. Dee smiled at him between the seats. We block off huge chunks of ground and let whatever lives there do its thing while we study. Out there, she waved a vague hand southward, are a mess of bug-bitten scholars trying to understand how bugs get it on, who eats what, and stuff like soil percolation. Florida is swampy.

Lots of gators, I muttered with a visible cringe.

Snakes too, Mama agreed with alacrity. Snake can be good eating. Gator tail too.

I’m glad you did your part to keep us at the top of the food chain, but I’ll stick with a burger.

I want to see it, Billy Bob interrupted. Let’s go there now.

What do you hope to discover? That came from Ghetarah, Billy’s wife. Well, they called them lifemates, since they swap genders, literally, halfway through their lives. Bye-bye, penis, hello sore nipples, menopause apron and terminal tiredness.

Hepcurtian planet masters don’t look at an ecosystem as an entity. Billy looked at her. Our studies focused on a single species or subset. I’m curious.

And I’m hungry. Dee glanced up from her phone. Take the upcoming exit 225 and we’ll head south. St. Marks has an actual restaurant. Two. A veritable boom town.

Bright lights, here we come. I hit the blinker, easing onto the off ramp, as a pair of dark SUVs slid in behind, followed by six cars and vans.

We’ve still got groupies, Bongo, Dee announced. St. Marks is fixin’ to get slammed.

Team Billy does nothing half-assed. I eyed my phone as my map reduced and a call lit the screen. Agent Jeffy. Yum. I tapped.

Hey Jeff. BB wants to look at a nature preserve, and Delilah and Mama are ready for lunch, so we’re taking a segue.

Understood.

Jeff and I have a thing. We’re attempting discretion. No one in the mission’s inner circle is fooled, but with the FBI, boinking bosses is a road too far. The work around is to get Dee and me classified as direct reports to Billy Bob, since we’re his liaisons. Control is a weird thing, though. Once achieved, nobody wants to fucking let it go. So we’re ‘negotiating’. My money’s on BB. He did not travel ten years in a spaceship intending to save his planet, stick the landing on the mission like a total boss, just to roll over for a hierarchy wrinkle called FBI protocol.

When Dee and I found Billy Bob, well, when he found us in a Pennsylvania bar parking lot, we pulled off Earth’s first contact and only got one person killed. I’ve watched a ton of movies. That was a solid fucking performance.

Billy needs human volunteers to go to his planet. Hepcurtia wants fresh ideas to salvage the equivalent of a multi-world mash-up of competing creatures; all of which impact the planet’s ongoing health. Consider it a vanity eco-pyramid run amok. Billy and Ghetarah’s species thought they were technologically advanced intellectual powerhouses, so they took shortcuts and imported creatures from other worlds to fix imbalances.

None of which worked.

Now the other super intelligent species on Hepcurtia, the sea dwelling Wrothics, are pissed. The imported critters are eating Billy’s peeps and Wrothics with impunity, making the whole planetary survival thing a teetering fuck up on the cusp of a tumble; enter Billy Bob’s mission.

I understood why he wanted to see the preserve. Hepcurtia needs those scientists. After lunch, I hoped. Dee’s eyebrows leveled as my tummy growled in agreement. I didn’t grow up with a southern stomach. Mine has no manners.

Forty minutes later, we rolled into the thriving metropolis of St. Marks. I snorted. No gas or grocery store, just two restaurants and a marina. A true ‘don’t blink or you’ll miss it’ extravaganza bordered on one side by a river.

Ghetarah and BB held their heads together–they talk via telepathy–as I parked Dee’s truck, the only pink vehicle with a translucent orb perched in the cargo hold in town. I know, I was shocked, too.

We will go there, Ghetarah pointed at the larger, thatched roof building. The other option has nothing raw on the menu and is therefore unacceptable.

My jury was still deciding with Ghetarah. I wanted to get along with her, because I love Billy Bob, but so far, she was bossy and haughty, a combo high on my suck list. Very different from BB, whose funky laugh cracked us up on the regular. BB was ready for any adventure, and he cross dressed like a pro, which ended up being a useful skill.

Ghetarah’s tone and body language told me she thought humans were stupid and annoying. Here’s hoping for a short adjustment period; otherwise, we were in for a long-assed gambit in New Orleans. Plus, I’m not the most patient bitch on Earth.

The two FBI vehicles pulled in on either side of the pink wonderment, and the entourage of Agents Jeff, Jim, Bob, Habib, along with Delilah’s twin sister Daisy piled out, stretching. Jeff’s shades slid my way with a near imperceptible smile. Excellent.

The groupies parked, wary to keep a distance between their motley collection of sci-fi tee shirts and Jim’s ham-sized