Would You Date You?

By Anthony Buono

Would You Date You? asks a pointed question, and then goes on to provide honest answers.

Many singles have an unrealistic approach to dating, feeling shock and dismay when someone to whom they are attracted is not interested in them. Sadly, it never dawns on them that they might be the problem.

Anthony Buono challenges his readers to look closely at themselves to discover areas that might be preventing them from having successful relationships. He explains the importance of self-knowledge in becoming comfortable with who we are meant to be, because anything less cannot be sustained over a lifetime.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9781635824841

Book preview

PREFACE

WHEN YOU’VE WORKED WITH SINGLES as long as I have, you inevitably deal with the same kinds of questions or concerns. Why didn’t he call after our first date? Why won’t she just tell me what she’s upset about? Why are men so picky? Why do women play games?

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that most of us ask the wrong questions. We need to stop spending so much energy on what’s going on with the opposite sex. What about what’s going on with us? What are we doing that influences our dating experiences and perhaps prohibits our ability to find love and get married?

What we need is to set aside enough time to improve ourselves so that there is no time to criticize the person you’re dating or married to.

So many self-help books tell you just how messed up you are and give you a laundry list of insurmountable changes you’ll have to make if you want to succeed. I think we are all sick of those kinds of books. The advice might be sound enough, but the practical application can be confusing and misleading simply because we are all unique individuals.

Every person is different, with a multitude of varied experiences and ways of processing them. It doesn’t work to tell any one individual what to do based on what has worked for someone else. Everyone’s road toward finding love is different. It is not for me or anyone else to pretend to fully understand who you are right now, where you are in the process, or what you should do next. The Holy Spirit knows you, however, and He is your guide on this journey.

Therefore, I have not written about becoming as some kind of strategy you can use in order to get what you want. Instead, this book is meant to serve as your own personal reality check to discover where you are incompatible with the kind of person you are hoping to attract, the kind of person who will be a suitable partner for you in Christian marriage. It will help you to look at yourself honestly to see if you’re in sync with the will of God, becoming the person He has called you to be.

This book is food for thought. It is to be used as a resource for self-examination. Take the points and opinions presented and consider them prayerfully. Would you date you? If the honest answer is no, then trust God to help you in those particular areas.

I also want to make sure we keep things human. There is no place for perfectionistic expectations when it comes to love, marriage, or relationships. There are no perfect marriages. Every person is imperfect, and the love between two persons is imperfect. These imperfections are part of the journey that is marriage; they are not obstacles to be avoided before one can begin the journey.

When two people work on their own imperfections while embracing each other’s imperfections, it is possible to have a love that lasts a lifetime. The process itself will be imperfect, but real progress can be made, depending on the efforts and decisions of the individuals involved.

You do not have to be a Christian to be successful at marital love, but Christian principles make it possible to be become the kind of person capable of something as unnatural as sustaining exclusive marital love for a lifetime. There is an impossibility about living out marriage that Jesus Christ makes possible.

To become this person requires working on yourself, and the Christian way to focus on yourself is to first focus on God. Becoming the person that God has created you to be should be your primary goal.

We must all seek to transform ourselves into persons capable of loving and being loved. To become this kind of person requires continuous conversions. Only through the love of God and the knowledge of self are we able to become lovable in the true spirit of matrimony.

A lifetime of love starts with you.

The proof of love is in the works. Where love exists, it works great things. But when it ceases to act, it ceases to exist.¹

—Pope St. Gregory the Great

CHAPTER ONE

Become Heavenly

BEFORE WE CAN CONSIDER CERTAIN qualities to develop for the sake of our future spouse, let us first consider our end goal, which is heaven.

Ultimately, we are called to be saints by God and live with Him forever in heaven. Anything we become in this world contributes to this ultimate goal. We are destined to become resurrected and glorious sons and daughters of God. We are bound for heaven during this life, and we are meant to live accordingly.

As people in the world, we are busy about the things and cares of this world. It is all too easy to experience a disconnect from the spiritual life and anything beyond the here and now. As we date and eventually marry, we are distracted by many concerns regarding life with this other person. We too easily lose sight of heaven, our end goal.

One of the most significant ways we can become disconnected is when it comes to understanding the role our bodies play in getting us to heaven, and the impact of that role in dating, love, and marriage.

There is a relationship between our bodily life here on earth and our heavenly life to come. Our bodies play an important role in our getting to heaven (or hell, for that matter), and that same body will be with us throughout eternity.

Thoughts on Heaven

It might sound strange, but spending time reflecting on heaven can help singles prepare for their future marriage.

Heaven is a difficult place to comprehend. As believers, we know that if we die in a state of grace, we will go to heaven. But most of us have no idea of what we will be doing there, if we’ve even thought about it at all. I guess it is enough for us to do what we need to do to get there, and worry about the rest later! However, you and I need to realize that we will still be human beings in heaven. But who will we really be when we get there?

We know that we will be happy with God, and we will have new bodies. There will be no more pain, and we will not have to deal with any of our imperfections and faults any longer. But fundamentally, we will be persons in heaven, just as we are on earth. The reality that you are a person sets you apart from the fact of your human nature, which is collectively shared with the whole human race. And as baptized Christians, we also share the divine nature of Christ.

No two persons are the same. A person does not share his or her personhood with any other person. You are uniquely yourself. If you are a person, that means you are able to act, and you are responsible for your actions. God does not judge us collectively. He judges each person individually, based on their individual motives which can only be known to Him.

The first thing to realize about heaven is that who we will be there will be the result of our actions here on earth. To be in heaven means that our actions resulted in dying in the state of grace (God’s love). But what kind of person will you be in heaven? And why should that matter to you today?

Becoming a Real Person

By nature, we are good because we are created by God. But the person we are to become is only a potential at the time of birth. Being human and becoming a person are not the same things. By birth, we are all human beings. However, becoming a whole person is a process. A baby is born with the potential of becoming a whole person. A baby is a person, but with a long way to go to be able to express full personhood. This is what makes the childhood years the development years. A seven-year-old is a little person and has developed a personality. Yet a seven-year-old is not fully a person. An eighteen-year-old is considered an adult, yet at eighteen is still not fully a person. Those in their forties can think back to when they were eighteen and realize they hardly recognize that person because they have come such a long way since then. Yet, even then, they still have further to go before they develop their full personhood.

Do you see where I am going with this? The fact is, we never stop becoming; therefore, we are always working toward our fullest potential as the person we are called to be until the day we die. To fully be a person means that we are in perfect harmony with God’s plan for us. Falling short of that at any level and at any time means that we are less of a person. We make strides, and we have setbacks. Who we are is something that comes with the practice of living. This practice of living is what shapes us. Habits, attitudes, and personality traits are developed and influence how we act. Good habits are called virtues, and bad habits are called vices. How we act defines who we are.

Are we a virtuous person or a vicious person, or something in between? How do we know? How do others know? Our actions tell others, and ourselves, who we really are. What we do affects others, so we want to make sure that our decisions reflect who we are inside. Everyone sins, so it cannot be just the action itself that judges us. How we recover from a sin or a failure is part of the story too.

Consistency and frequency also play a role. If you lose patience from time to time, that does not mean you are an impatient person. It takes time to discover the consistencies of a person. But it is these consistencies displayed on the outside through your actions that are the best evidence of who you are as a person.

Part of what makes you human is your fragility, your ability to fail. Your personhood is your connection to God, and all that is good. To be a bad person is to be less of a person. In fact, every bad action diminishes our personhood and causes us to become more like an animal. The dignity of every person is our goodness, our God-ness.

No person is without moments of failure. But a well-formed person will feel guilt and sorrow for wrongdoing, seek forgiveness, and make up for the wrongdoing, if possible. This person thus becomes an even better person.

It is important to realize that when you date another person, you bring all of who you are into the relationship; you are always developing into the whole person you are called to be. Working on yourself is continuous if you seek to be of value to someone else.

Expect to Be a Good Person

The person you are dating expects the best of you. He or she expects you be a good person. (Do you know anyone who seeks a serious relationship with someone they consider to be a bad person?) But how do you live up to that expectation? How do you become the good person you are meant to be?

First of all, none of us is born evil. We all reflect the image and likeness of God, the Creator. However, because sin entered the world through our first parents, evil exists. Evil is goodness gone wrong. Every person has the potential to be good, even when they choose to do something evil. Good and evil have to do with actions of thought and of deed. When we do something evil, it affects the person we were created to be. However, as long as we are alive in this world, there is always hope in God’s grace, which can overcome any evil.

Although we are innocent babies at birth, we are all sinners. The Catholic Church teaches that we cannot commit a sin until the age of reason (typically around seven years of age), because sin is related to motives and circumstances. A developing child has not yet reached the point of being able to decide with full reason. During those first seven years, the parents’ teachings, the family’s influence, and all experiences of that child shape the person that really starts to exist.

It is worth stressing