Confusing Lust with Love: A Book for Single Women on the Road to Finding a Relationship

By Chris Hayes

Are you tired of waiting for Mr. Right?

 

Now is the time to be proactive when it comes to finding love. Embodying this message of empowerment, relationship guru Chris Hayes is on a mission to help single women shorten their quest from a five-year journey to a two-year journey. In&nbsp

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing
• Release date: Jan 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798822909403

Book preview

Importance of Parents

I believe young women need their parents and good role models more between the ages of seventeen and twenty-three than in any other time in their lives. Society and the wrong guys are programming women the wrong way. Women are being programmed to believe that they are eye candy, that they are sex objects, and that their place in this world is for sexual pleasure and to deliver a man’s child. This is so unfortunate because GOD made women special. He made them all unique in their own way. He made them special in the way their heart, brain, and personality work. GOD gave them the ability to love in the purest way. Unfortunately, young women do not see any of this when they let society and men treat them in this way. We must change their programming and protect them from it. We must help them learn the difference between love and lust.

We don’t realize how this could affect young women later. Enough letdowns from the wrong men with the wrong thinking could make them believe all men are the same. This could lead them to think that all men are looking for sex, when all these women want is to be loved unconditionally. This could cause them to have intimacy issues and trust issues and, ultimately, think that unconditional love does not exist. But we know it does, because what we gave our daughters, and what their creator has given them, is unconditional love!

These Girls Are Looking For Attention—

They Are Just Getting It in the

Wrong Way

There is nothing wrong with a woman who wants attention. Girls want to feel lovely and accepted. The unfortunate thing is that there are guys with bad intentions who prey on these girls. These girls need to be able to differentiate between the guys who have good intentions and the ones who do not.

That is why it is so important for these girls to have a male role model in their lives. Someone who is going to have a positive impact on their lives and who has good intentions in mind. It’s thus critical for a woman’s father to be a part of her life. Although not all girls have this, either way it is important for a male to be involved in these girls’ lives to make them feel wanted, accepted, and loved. It is important that they understand they can feel love and have friendship without sex.

As a woman you should be able to date someone and have a relationship with him without starting out with the physical act. You should not have the perspective that if you fulfill his sexual needs, then he will be good to you, accept you, and love you. That is the exact opposite of the mindset you should have. Do you understand? It is the exact opposite! You fall in love, and then you show each other that love through intimacy.

The Wrong Programming for

Young Women

Young women looking for attention in the wrong way think that if they have sex with these guys (guys without good intentions), these guys will love them. This just isn’t true. Starting out with sex is not love; that is lust. There is a certain order in which the relationship should go. These girls should not give away their bodies or their hearts—this should be earned. It is not going to be earned if they give these guys sex and then expect to be loved. It is the exact opposite.

The man is supposed to sweep you off your feet. He is supposed to impress you and win you over, not the opposite. He is supposed to compliment you and cherish you. Intimacy should come after he has proven himself, after he has won and rescued your heart. Once he has treated you like a queen, in the way you deserve, the way GOD intended.

A man should be a man. By this I mean he should lead, and he should set the example. He should cherish you; he should respect you. He should make you feel like you are on top of the world. He should treat you the way he would want his future daughter treated. He should not just take what he wants, avoiding love, communication, words of affirmation, responsibility, and honesty. Remember that you are not a toy and that you should not be yo-yoed around. Demand more than this!

The Impact Society Is Having on

These Girls

I understand that you have hormones, and I understand that you have physical needs, but I want you to understand that this is not the main core of your design. What is the point of continuing to get caught up physically with guys who have made it obvious what they are really about? With the kinds of guys who are just sleeping around, rejecting commitment, love, marriage, having kids? At what point are you going to realize that when they don’t believe in these things, they are not going to cater to your core needs—for affection, love, marriage, kids, a great father, a great husband.

You do not want a guy who is not going to be around to father your child, who will at best be a weekend dad. This is going to take its toll on you. Not to mention you do not realize the wound that could form for a child who knows that their real father is not around. Just the weekends will not be enough for the child. These are the things you must acknowledge and think about when you are letting certain men pursue you (i.e., dating and relationships).

Let us talk about the possible wound. To start there is the wound that you have; maybe it is an attachment wound, or maybe it is an abandonment wound, naming just a few for starters. It could be codependency also. Maybe your father was not around. Maybe you did not grow up with a father. Maybe he was around, but he was not, if you know what I mean. Maybe after you reached fifteen years of age, he thought his job was done and spent less quality time with you, fewer talks, and let society raise you the rest of the way. Maybe your mother was a single mother, struggling financially, and spent so much time chasing men, wanting that relationship, that love, that affection. You cannot blame her, as she had her wants and needs. But at the same time, it was not fair that she did not give you the care, the mother-daughter best friend relationship, and the attention you needed. But let me ask you a question: Are you taking the same path as her? Are you making the same bad decisions? Are you duplicating her life path, chasing the wrong guys for the wrong reasons?

There could be a variety of wounds, but my point is this: You must have an idea of who you want to be, what you want to be, and the kind of life you want to have. You must understand the impact of who you date, who you pursue, and who you let pursue you. It is important to understand that the people you have relationships with will determine what you want, who you want, and what and who you believe you deserve. They can help or hurt your self-worth. They can heal that wound, hurt that wound, or magnify that wound (make it bigger, make it deeper, make it worse). Do not just try to fill the void; do not just think somebody is better than nobody. Do not have the mindset of I need to date; I need a relationship. Respect the labor pains in your journey. Respect the fact that your heavenly father has you in the palm of his hands; respect the fact that GOD has the one planned for you. Understand that you must respect the journey and go through and overcome certain things. That is part of the journey, and GOD will always be there for you. He is always looking over you. But you must get out of the habit of taking the easy way out. Which may mean not dating guys who are not good for you. Which means even if you do not want to, sometimes you must just be single for a while. Do not mistake being single, being alone, with being lonely. It does not mean you have to be lonely. You just must surround yourself with people who are good for you. Remember that you are always a product of your environment, a product of your associations.

The Guys You Let Treat You This

Way Do Not Have Respect for You or

for Themselves

Today, you are facing pressure to look like Barbie dolls and are being told that if you don’t give guys sex, they won’t want anything to do with you. This just is not true. Do not portray yourself as a sexual object and definitely don’t let guys treat you that way. Be very up-front that you are not going to offer them sexual pleasure first, just to satisfy their needs. But what you should let them know is you are going to demand your needs. By your needs, I am talking about your core needs. Your GOD-given design. Really, a woman’s design is what I am talking about. The needs I am talking about are communication, affection, and quality time. You should get your needs met first, and the physical should come later (or else, with a lot of guys in today’s society, you will never get your needs met). Don’t get me wrong. I understand you have physical needs, but that does not come first in your design, which means that is not what will make you a happy, fulfilled woman in the long term. Your priority is closeness and openness, intimate conversation, to know that you are lovely. You may think, Yeah, that is what sex is: closeness. It may be to you, but not always to him. Sex can mean closeness to you, but you must make sure he is feeling the emotional attachment first, which means adventure, quality time, and intimate conversation before the physical.

If you give in to the physical early, they are not going to respect you, and to be quite honest, if that is their primary goal, they don’t even respect themselves. You may be asking yourself: How do I know if they are respectable? How will I ever know if they will respect me? It is much simpler than you realize. Push for the communication and adventure and see if he gives you the intimate conversation without the sex. See if he shows interest in you, what’s going on in your life, your family, and your friends. Once he caters to these needs, then you can move on to the physical part of the relationship. This is how you know he is worthy for you; this is how you know he has a genuine interest in you. This is when you will find you have chemistry.

Product of Associations

It is crucial to understand that you truly are a product of your associations. This was true when you were a kid, when you were a teen, when you were in high school, and then in college, and this is still true as an adult. This is so important to acknowledge, observe, and address. You must understand that what you read, what see with your eyes and hear with your ears, you will believe and become. This is true because you are constantly programming your subconscious, whether you realize it or not. That being said, your programming is a reflection of your associations, and your associations will determine how you think, how you talk, and how you act. This ultimately programs and predicts your actions. Ultimately, long term, this will determine the outcome of your life. This includes attitude, perspective, career, lifestyle, and what you believe in, or lack thereof. This is crucial to your journey in life, and especially your journey to the perfect relationship, because if you are hanging around guys who have bad intentions, chances are that is your association, what you look for, what you expect, and you will think this is the best that you can do. So you think! We tend to be attracted to what we first fell in love with (our first association), but it is never too late to change your programming and associations. You must realize that it may be that