BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

By Ann Michael

Beautifully Broken was born many years prior to the first words hitting the pages of this book. My experience with suicide started as a child with my mother's suicide attempts and continued with the loss of one of my best friends while I was in college. After that loss, my brother attempted suicide and one of my first true loves took his life, and my father also died from suicide.

My husband was my strength, and the only way I survived the loss of my father and just a couple years before this book became real, he himself took his own life.

The journey through loss from suicide is unlike any other loss. There are more layers of grief and more challenges with a suicide than anyone could ever be prepared to face.

It is my hope that what I have learned and have experienced may help others in facing this horrible type of loss.

Suicide can be a haunting, and I pray that Beautifully Broken is a way to turn the light into the darkness and lead you through with someone that knows what you are feeling and how to navigate through the dark places.

Cover artist: Susan M. Gibbons

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9798886852264

Book preview

BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

Ann Michael

ISBN 979-8-88685-225-7 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88685-226-4 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Ann Michael

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

All biblical citations were taken from the New International Version of the Holy Bible.

All photos used in the manuscript are owned by Laura Harwood, mountaingirlphotography.net.

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

In a Split Second

Escaping the Darkness

Understanding the Impossible

Who Am I Angry With?

I'm Sorry

Overcoming the Stigma

Breaking Out

I Never Saw That Coming

Forgive—and Forget?

The Darkness That Drives

The Eyes of the Beholder

The Un-Closure

Joy in the Darkness

All the Future Firsts

The Spiral Staircase

When Your Worlds Collide

Kaleidoscope

About the Author

Acknowledgments

It would be completely impossible for me to thank everyone that had a hand in helping me with this book. Many of them probably don't even know they were integral in my finishing this project.

The book is born from the worst possible thing I could have ever have imagined experiencing; and it became my calling.

I could not have even started writing the words without the love and support of my children Ashley and Amber; my step-sons Bobby and James, my ‘bonus' daughter, Heather, my brother Ken, and my niece, Jamilyn. They literally carried me through the first year of my loss and supported the idea of this book to help others going through the same horror. This book is a true picture of what the love of family can overcome and what can be achieved on the other side of crisis.

From the moment I reached out to my pastor Lance Swearengin at Conifer Community Church to tell him what had happened, he became my lifeline. I don't think I would still be standing, let alone have been able to finish this book without his encouragement and wise counsel.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to the entire congregation at my little church in the mountains, which became a source of strength, love, compassion and support and every single person there deserves acknowledgement for the completion of this book. I wish I could name them all individually.

My best friends, Darcy, Brad, and Sue never let me go and their encouragement is on every page of this book.

For every single other friend and extended family member that held my hand and held me up—this book is for you and because of you.

Along with the people that share in the writing of this book, I want to thank the Snowpack Tavern in Conifer, Colorado. It was one of Dave's favorite places and after he died, it became my safe place and a welcoming place that I could wrap myself in the memories of my life with Dave. I wrote several chapters while sitting in Snowpack and it warrants an acknowledgement for that. Thank you!

Above all, I dedicate this book to my husband Dave. He taught me to believe in love and to believe in myself, and for all the years we were sharing our lives and loving each other, this book is his.

I believe his hand is in the words on these pages.

There is nothing harder to endure in this life than losing a loved one. Loss in itself brings a sadness that is difficult to face and move on from. For those that survived a suicide of someone they love, the journey includes added factors that make the grieving process take on a different look. It adds a level of shock, sadness, betrayal, confusion, abandonment, anger, and guilt that can often result in deep depression that affects not only the grief recovery but also potentially the survivor's entire belief system and faith.

For a Christian, death ends our earthly existence. We are, however, able to find solace in the belief that we will be with our loved one again in heaven. That reality helps to bring peace to our grieving process. It's almost a comfort knowing that the person we loved so dearly is with God in a beautiful, pain-free, heavenly home.

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die for the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. (Romans 14:8)

There is nothing in the Bible that contradicts the truth that suicide—just as with any other death—does not separate us from God. Rest assured that if your loved one was a believer, their last act on earth does not preclude them from being in heaven now, and it certainly should not add stress or sadness to your grieving process because you will see them again. They are free of their pain and burdens and are with God.

The following paragraph has been contributed by Cynthia Reinhardt:

In Romans 8:34–35 (NIV),

Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, is at the right hand of God and also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword?

Depression, anxiety, helplessness, and hopelessness are trouble, hardship and many times, persecution. So there is nothing that can keep us from loving God and he, us. In verse 37, this is where the power in Christ comes through. No, in all things we are considered more than conquerors through Christ who loved us. It doesn't say in ‘in most things' or have any qualifying condition by which we shall not be conquerors once we have accepted Jesus into our hearts. It is in all things that we are more than conquerors. And he has declared victory before we even fight the battle! In verse 38–39, God says through John that he is convinced that

neither height, nor depth, neither angels nor demons, neither the present, nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Does it say everything but suicide? No, it does not. If we are believers in God through Christ Jesus, we are in communion with him no matter what tries to come between us and his protection, his love. And we enter into communion with him through grace. Grace that was born out of a love so powerful, that not even demons can squelch it. A grace that covers all, not what a mere human would subjugate to their opinion. A grace so pure, that no man can fathom it on this earth. And that is everything to the griever of a loved one who chose to take their life.

It is my sincere hope that this book will help to walk you through your journey toward healing, helping you to come to terms with how your loved one left their earthly home, and sharing with your ways that reinforce how knowing God can make a difference as you grieve.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

Chapter 1

In a Split Second

On a beautiful spring morning, my day started how most of my