Yougottabekiddinme!: Memoirs of an Airline Gate Agent

By John Casperson

Here is a sample of the types of stories (both funny and weird) in this book and why the reader will say many times over, "Yougottabekiddinme!": "I was working in Kansas City [MCI], assigned to baggage service that day. Baggage service wasn't my forte, but I worked with people who were really good. I am in position at the front desk to take care of walk-ins, and this young lady came in, and she was really distraught to the point of tears. Her eyes were red and wet. Obviously, something was wrong, and I asked her what was the matter. She said, 'I've just come in, but my pet didn't.' I tried to comfort her, telling her the pet would probably arrive on the next flight, that it probably misconnected. She then said words I'll never forget. She said, 'No, you don't understand. The kennel is here, but my dog isn't.' OMG! I didn't hear what I just heard. I literally could not believe what I heard. Stupidly, I said, 'What?' She said, 'My dog's not here. The kennel is, but he's not.' I asked if she was sure it was her kennel. She said it was. I dropped what I was doing and called for someone else to come out and watch the front desk, and we went to the claim area. Sure enough, her kennel was there with her name all over it and no dog!" Yougottabekiddinme! You'll find the rest of the story inside! Believe me, truth is stranger than fiction. Have fun!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781643503813

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Yougottabekiddinme!

Memoirs of an Airline Gate Agent

John Casperson

Copyright © 2018 John Casperson

All rights reserved

First Edition

Page Publishing, Inc

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc 2018

ISBN 978-1-64350-380-6 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64350-381-3 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Foreword

Fifty-one years ago (1967), two events happened that would have a certain synchronicity in my life. I started in the commercial aviation industry, and a best seller was published, Coffee Tea or Me? Coffee Tea or Me? was purportedly written by the fictitious stewardesses Trudy Baker and Rachel Jones; however as it turns out, it was written by the initially-not-credited Donald Bain . Quoting Joe Sharkey from "‘Fly Girls’ and Some Myths about ‘Stewardesses’ ":

An editor at a publishing house introduced him (Bain) to two Eastern Airlines stewardesses who thought they together might be able to write a book about their escapades. The editor thought Don might want to be the ghostwriter for the two women. But when Don sat down with them, they didn’t have much to offer besides a few anecdotes. I realized they didn’t have enough to sustain a book, and I was going to have to use an awful lot of my own imagination, he told me then. Nevertheless, he was inspired by the idea. So he created a memoir out of whole cloth. The book shot onto the best-seller list, and the two stewardesses were delighted to go on the road to publicize it as the authors—even though their real names were not on the cover.

As of 2017, the Penguin Group, publisher of Coffee Tea or Me?, describes the book as adult fiction. Yougottabekiddinme! is not something from whole cloth. This, to the best of my knowledge, is the first book about airline life that tells it like it is. The accounts related herein are from the best of my memory. Names, places, and airline references are as accurate as they can be and may or may not have been changed directly or indirectly to protect people who may not wish to be named. One sees this type of disclaimer appended to television shows, movies, and types of literature to protect from litigation. This disclaimer does not however change the essence of the stories, who we are and how we fly, and what a wonderful thrill it was to be a part of it all. In the early seventies, a colleague of mine named Vickie observed, We use airplanes like people use taxis. I am here to tell you truth is stranger than fiction, so fasten your seat belts; I am about to prove it!

Chapter 1

The Way We Were

This work is dedicated to my colleagues who are career professionals regardless of airline affiliation, who have served in an airline frontline position. Airline customer service demands resourcefulness, on-demand situational analysis, tact, benevolence, empathy, patience, discipline, poise, and integrity. I joined the commercial-airline industry in 1967. In my early twenties, I found out there was much more to this world than rural Ohio or, for that matter, Chicago, Illinois. Over the next five decades, I would visit fifty countries and live and work outside the United States as a frontline agent, manager, and consultant. Among my most treasured memories, along with the places I have visited and the people I have been most fortunate to meet along the way, are my colleagues, who will remain in my heart and memory in perpetuity. The greatest source of my professional identity is to have met, known, and learned from some extraordinarily gifted career professionals who, for no other reason than service, face the flying public every day. Yes, we receive paychecks, but more importantly, we receive the heartfelt gratitude of the passengers we serve. Paychecks come and go; a thank-you lasts forever.

Don’t believe me? In 1982, I received a letter addressed to me at JFK. It was addressed to me personally so it didn’t go through channels. It didn’t need to. Mrs. Thomas was an older gal, probably in her mid-seventies who needed wheelchair assistance. After she left my care, the next day I phoned her to make sure she arrived home safely in Elmira, New York. She had. Long ago, I spent that October paycheck, but I still have her letter that fills my heart. I mention this letter not for self-promotion but to shed a light on how service (and life in general) can be so rewarding if it’s done with care and empathy. This is what Mrs. Thomas had to say that October day:

Dear Mr. Casperson,

Oh that I were forty (or is it ‘fourty’) years younger! I was so pleased you phoned me this afternoon. I was telling my brother’s widow all about my lovely wheelchair ride and how nice you are, and how happy you made me! I hope I sounded sensible on the phone. I told her I would have loved to have had a son like you.

When I started in February 1967, the commercial-jet age (if we begin with the Boeing 707) was only nine years old, and the major airlines were still flying propeller-powered aircraft. People dressed up when they were taking a flight; I still do. It is remarkable how things change through time. It used to be that however little money people made, they tried to dress up. Now it’s however much money someone makes, many people choose to dress down. I know times and circumstances change; however, there seems to be a lower threshold for common courtesy and decency whether directed at others or regarding oneself. Many times people traveling in a premium cabin (first or business) will look like they’re going to the gym or worse. One never has a second chance to make a first impression, and a well-dressed man or woman seems the exception rather that the rule. I remember disembarking from an Alaskan cruise, and this one older man just had to ask me why I always dressed up. I just told him, That’s the way I was raised. One’s demeanor probably has much to do with self-esteem or lack thereof.

The way things were, people dressed up to go on a plane ride. The way things were, boarding a plane was not an Olympic competition! I know planes are larger now. A Boeing 757, depending on the airline, model, and configuration, can hold over 200 people. A Boeing 707 would hold about 125. It’s easier to board 125 people, but consider this. For those readers unfamiliar with the Lockheed L-1011, it was a wide-body three-engine jet quite similar to a DC-10. Again, depending on the airline and configuration, the L-1011 held approximately 230 people. Again, depending on airline and seating configuration, the 757 (300 series) seats 213 passengers. In 1981 I saw an agent named Alan working at JFK board a virtually full internationally bound L-1011 in twelve minutes, twelve minutes!

Yes, the L-10 had overhead bins, but people were not carrying on the kitchen sink for export! And yes, positive bag match was not in effect, and yes, the agent made excellent announcements, but there was an unspoken civility that is seldom present anymore. Boarding a flight is like herding cattle because everyone wants to rush on board to stow baggage that belongs in cargo because they don’t want to pay a baggage charge. Confirming what we already know, this observation was noted in the Huffpost Blog on December 13, 2013 (10:29 a.m. ET) by David Morris:

Writing in the New York Times, Micheline Maynard observes the state of flying today,

The level of comfort and reliability today bears no relation to that of the regulated days. Richard Finger echoes her sentiment, Airplane travel has devolved into a truly undignified affair.

Undignified affair, absolutely, but it could be worse. Southwest Airlines is far from being the best airline, but they are still able to generate profits. I have flown Southwest twenty-five times; they were on schedule four times. I once went to a Southwest ticket counter and asked for a refund on my paper ticket. The agent told me she couldn’t do it, that I would have to submit my request for the refund to headquarters. Why couldn’t she? Anyway, I asked her for the address to send my refund request. She said, I don’t know it. Don’t you. Really? I don’t work for Southwest; you do! I finally got the address from the third agent I spoke with. No frills! Southwest Airlines’ marketing strategy was so shrewd, it successfully transposed the downgraded term frill as a substitute for service and incredibly garnered market share based on lack of service. Companies such as McDonald’s (hamburgers) and Southwest (air travel) deliver not the best product, but a product presented to the consumer based on minimalist interpretations of product presentation—cheapness. Nordstrom or Dollar Store? Each has its place, but Nordstrom and a dollar store have different buildings. The airline business starkly comingles its clientele, and you have different shoppers in the same building using the same product. I once dated someone named Barbara. When Barbara was in her late teens, her family drove their car with the windows up in summer because they wanted people to think they had air-conditioning when they didn’t. When I see people seated on a bulkhead with their feet up on the wall, I want to walk up to them and say, Put your feet down. Do you do that at home? The answer, however, would probably be Yes. Decades ago, that would have been a rare, if ever, occurrence. That said, after a plane has fully disembarked, premium cabins are just as filthy as coach. Everyone should fly where and when they are able, but there are certain outfits that make budget flying an art (or lack of it) form.

The profit cretins at one airline wanted to take profitability and lack of dignity to a new dimension—one that truly stinks. Dublin-based Ryanair wanted to reduce the amount of lavatories on their planes from three to one so they could put in more seats! Ryanair planes can hold nearly two hundred people! Twelve people in line at a lavatory is not a pretty visual. The toilet removal wasn’t a surprise to passengers and critics because CEO Michael O’Leary announced in 2010 that Ryanair would charge £1 or €1 for passengers to use the toilet! Ryanair spokesman Stephen McNamara has been quoted as saying, By charging for the toilets we are hoping to change passenger behavior so that they use the bathroom before or after the flight. Yougottabekiddinme! The insanity goes even farther. Ryanair even considered standing room! When exploring this undignified concept, Ryanair said that Boeing had been consulted over refitting the Ryanair fleet with vertical seats. Passengers would be strapped in while standing up, and tickets for these seats would cost between £4 (US$5.39) and £8 (US$10.78). This would be what, then, sardine class? Would a passenger hold a beverage indefinitely while standing? Where would somebody put the cup after finishing—or just toss it on the floor? Why not just pile them in back and throw a tarpaulin over them?

This insanity—or better stated, what I consider to be insanity—isn’t limited to Ryanair. The contagion of standing room has extended at least to one other airline called VivaColombia. Gavin Haines (Daily Telegraph, June 27, 2017, 1:24 p.m.) advises:

VivaColumbia is the latest carrier to express interest in so-called vertical seating, akin to perching on a barstool. There are people out there right now researching whether you can fly standing up, VivaColombia’s founder and CEO William Shaw said.

Mr. Haines continues:

Vertical seating—or bar stools with seat belts, as Ryanair dubbed them—was originally touted by Airbus in 2003. The idea has since been developed by the Italian firm Aviointeriors, which claimed its SkyRider perch could reduce space on an aircraft by 25 per cent.

Remember, it’s not standing room—it’s vertical seating! Gotta love it! Now that I have your attention, let’s go one step beyond! Ryanair, my favorite punching bag (even ahead of Southwest), considered instituting a fat tax! Yougottabekiddinme! Ryanair considered including a poundage charge for all men weighing more than 285 pounds and women more than 220 pounds. Part B of this two-pronged fat attack would have included a fixed penalty if a passenger’s waist touched both neighboring armrests at the same time! Quoting the seemingly deranged spokesman Stephen McNamara once again, In all cases we’ve set limits at very high levels so that a ‘fat tax’ will only apply to those really large passengers who invade the space of the passengers sitting beside them. These charges, if introduced, might also act as an incentive to some of our very large passengers to lose a little weight and hopefully feel a little lighter and healthier. A note to Mr. McNamara, news flash: make your tiny seats larger! Another news flash: why not charge thin people half fare! What are these people thinking? And it’s not that they were struggling. Ryanair posted a $551 million dollar profit in 2010! For the year-ending March 31, 2016, Ryanair’s profits were $1.46 billion!

I have an idea for my favorite (LOL) airline. Since you people lust after profit, since you thought of standing room and a fat tax and wanted to charge for the potty, I am surprised your profit gluttony hasn’t extended to oxygen masks! Where does it say oxygen should be complimentary! Go ahead push the envelope; charge for the damn stuff! Better still, have a simulated emergency so you can charge whenever you want. Think of it—when a passenger buckles his or her seat belt, it would prompt the passenger to swipe a credit card in the overhead panel so payment is available before oxygen deployment is necessary. After all, we don’t want them to pass out before they pay! Ryanair could charge for the oxygen mask deployment—and the flow of oxygen. The oxygen flow could be metered and used as another revenue source! I hesitated to put this in print because Ryanair may well try it! The only thing stopping Ryanair may be government regulation. PS: that’s why governments regulate, to protect consumers and the environment from financial predators for whom any amount of profit is never enough.

Revisiting Mr. Haines’s Daily Telegraph article once again, I’ve saved the most incomprehensible part for last:

In 2010, Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary expressed interest—and even doubted whether seat belts were necessary. A plane is just a b****** bus with wings, he said at the time. If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seatbelt won’t save you. You don’t need a seatbelt on the London Underground. You don’t need a seatbelt on trains which are travelling at 120mph and if they crash you’re all dead.

Fortunately, the British Civil Aviation Authority prevented Ryanair from eliminating seat belts, but it does speak to state of mind issues with the founder, Mr. O’Leary.

Over the years, I have noticed many changes in the commercial-airline industry—air rage and loss of civility, along with frequent flyer programs and ancillary revenue streams, to name a few. Another case of air rage happened on December 11, 2017.

A Southwest Airlines pilot was forced to declare an emergency after a passenger repeatedly told a flight attendant she would kill everybody on the plane. A female passenger disabled a smoke detector aboard Southwest Flight 2943 from Portland, Oregon, to Sacramento and proceeded to smoke on board.

I swear, if you . . . land, I will kill everybody on this [expletive deleted] plane, the woman was reported to have shouted. I will kill everybody on this [expletive deleted] plane.

The disturbing element of this type of episode is that the passenger knows she is doing something illegal and refuses to accept responsibility. And bear in mind, the flight time from Portland to Sacramento is one only hour and twenty-five minutes. This was more than the need for a nicotine fix. Most probably, she wanted to cause the episode. She threatened everybody, including the crew. I’m sure everybody on that plane was scared, but the crew is responsible to deal with this emergency. The crew is responsible for the welfare of everybody on that plane.

On January 1, 2018, a Ryanair passenger on a flight from London (Stansted Airport) to Malaga, Spain, distinguished himself as uniquely unbalanced. The passengers were in the process of deplaning, but they weren’t deplaning fast enough for this man. The passenger was so impatient, he felt entitled to open the over-wing emergency exit door and head to the terminal! He didn’t think it through because it’s quite a leap from the wing to the tarmac, so he was cajoled to reenter the cabin. The flight was not delayed, and he had no connecting flight. What was he thinking? His antics delayed other passengers for another fifteen minutes because of a suspected breach of security. The matter is now in the hands of Spanish authorities. Management should consider that many emergencies have been minimized, diffused, or prevented because of the professionalism of frontline agents and crew.

A truly interesting article by author Maia Szalavitz appeared in the United States edition of the Guardian for Thursday, 25 May 2017, 6:00 a.m. EDT. The article is entitled, Air Rage: Why Does Flying Make Us So Angry? Science Says It’s about Class. Quoting Ms. Szalavitz:

A doctor is forcibly removed from a United Airlines flight, losing two teeth and gaining a concussion as he’s pulled down the aisle. A whole family with young children is dragged off by Delta. A near-riot breaks out at the Fort Lauderdale airport. Air rage may be to the 21st century what hysteria was to the 19th: a window into the sickness of our society.

Modern air travel is a perfect example of a situation in which human status is highly visible: it can be seen in everything from how the rich can pay to cut security lines to the way everyone else has to wait while those who have earned status board first. And then, of course, there’s the long walk through the cushy first-class cabin to a claustrophobic middle seat at the back of torture class.

In fact, a study of air rage and class published last year suggested that economy passengers feel the most rage when they walk through first class: it reminds them of their diminution. But first-class passengers weren’t any calmer: those subjected to the indignity of having the unwashed walk through their space, rather than boarding out of their sight though a middle door, were even angrier.

The article continues:

The blight of ever-sharper class distinctions at the airport is also itself part of the spiral that increases inequality: the deregulation of the airlines in 1978, which at first led to increased competition, has now produced a race to the bottom, where a lack of consumer protection laws means there’s no limit on how minimal seat sizes or legroom can get.

So, why is air rage actually worse among the upper class? Sapolsky puts this down to entitlement, but I think it could also reflect fear: fear of losing status, fear of not deserving it in the first place, fear of the people with the pitchforks.

One note about Ms. Szalavitz’s observation about what she refers to as the United Airlines flight: she makes an error that most people make, and the particulars are covered in chapter 6. The flight was not United Airlines! It was Trans States Airlines, Trans States Airlines operating (masquerading as DBA) as United Express! I don’t know if the gate agents were United or subcontract agents, but I do know the security guards who hauled that man off the plane were not United or Trans States. Whoever the agent was that solicited passengers to voluntarily deplane also made a grievous error. The agent was reportedly to have asked for volunteers to deplane for a United employee. That United employee was not a standby, which could have easily been assumed because of the agent’s improperly worded announcement. The seat was needed by a must-ride crew member who had to go to Louisville (SDF). If that crew member were not on that plane, an entire flight for which he or she was scheduled out of SDF would have had to be cancelled for lack of crew. That said, it is quite apparent that Ms. Szalavitz and the study to which she refers truly affirms that flying, as Mr. Richard Finger stated earlier, has become a truly undignified affair.

One element that has remained constant and will, in all likelihood, remain so is management’s one-dimensional view of the