Walking by Faith; Living with Love: Faith Has Kept Me Strong

By Jennifer Kendall

"I want to be buried." A simple, yet out of the blue, statement uttered one day by my husband as we drove across the state. What makes this statement so shocking? My husband has brain cancer - a rare form with a normal survival rate of five years. How would you react? What would you do when your spouse goes from a simple doctor's visit to your world being turned upside-down? Would you hide, become angry, or seek guidance and support? If you have children, what about them? Join me on a journey as

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9781681390895

Book preview

Chapter 1 

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him. 

—Nahum 1:7 (KJV) 

I want to be buried. This comment was uttered by my husband as we were driving west through Washington state to go see our daughter who had come up from her school in Arizona to visit her boyfriend in the Seattle area and meet his father. It took every ounce of my control not to slam on the brakes and exclaim, What the hell are you talking about! You see, this was probably the strangest and most unexpected statement that he had ever uttered to me, and I believe that it was his way of telling me that he was nearing the end of his fight, but rather than scream or yell, I merely replied, Where would you want to be placed? 

I don’t know, and, truthfully, I don’t really care. I just think I want to be buried. 

No one in your family has been buried for a while now. Why the sudden change? 

I just like the idea of being someplace permanent, someplace where I can be remembered. 

Does that mean you want a funeral instead of a memorial service then? 

I really don’t care what you do. My family doesn’t usually do anything. So do whatever you want. I just want to be buried. 

I knew this day would come; that we would eventually enter that final stretch of the race, but never did I expect such a calm and disconnected comment as the one above as an indicator. This was supposed to be a weekend of relaxation and joy, yet now, it was filled with mixed emotions and questions, most of which could not be addressed, answered, or, worse yet, even asked. As he grew quiet again, I realized that he may be questioning whether heaven was actually a real place and that he needed something tangible to focus on as his home for that time after he left us. I had always known that my husband’s faith was nowhere as deep as mine; however, it had been developing ever so slowly since the time we met, but more about that later. So as we travelled to see our daughter, we also embarked upon those first shaking steps of the long but final journey that I had feared, almost dreaded, since the day we heard that fateful word, cancer. 

Cancer is the one word in our current society that can send even the toughest of people into a feeling of panic and dread, bringing even the most callous of people to tears. When you hear it, all you think of at first is No, not me or us, then Why us or them, and finally, Can this be beaten. It is a fear that we all share in regard to living in today’s world. There are a few others, but this is one that tends to bring a community together, to help someone, especially if the afflicted one is young or an inspiration within the community. The community I speak of varies in size depending on the person but always involves the family and their truest of friends. Cancer was not new to me and had previously entered my life several times. I, personally, had one very close scare, but I have also lost a number of loved ones to varying forms of this dreaded disease. In amongst my husband’s battle, we have suffered several losses in the family, both expected and unexpected, increasing the emotional stress upon our family. 

When people hear of my life, they often seem amazed that I am capable of remaining so positive and willing to serve others. Many are surprised when they hear about the many things that have happened throughout my life, especially since the trials have not repeatedly torn me down and can be seen as something I wear on my sleeve. I firmly feel that there is enough negativity in the world already, and that one of the greatest gifts anyone can give to another is the simple offering of a smile or a helping hand to someone who is in need. When asked how I am capable of maintaining such a positive attitude in my life despite all that has seemingly gone wrong, I simply respond, My faith in God. That simple statement usually receives one of two responses. I am either given with this strange look and a slight rolling of the eyes as if the person who asked thinks I am crazy, or I hear You must have a very deep faith. It is when I hear that statement that I share, It is the knowing that the stresses I encounter are not mine to be concerned about that makes life easier as I gave all parts of my life over to God long ago. I honestly do not know how I, or anyone for that matter, can get through any difficult time, let alone life in general, without a devout faith. 

Faith is a foundation that has always been there. That piece of our heart that can never be taken away or broken and on which we can safely build our lives, knowing that it will always be stable. The question lies in whether or not we are willing to always stay true and strong with God, regardless of the circumstances. Are we willing to build our lives upon the stone that God has provided, or are we more determined to try and take control, thus placing our homes upon the unstable sand? Faith is what helps to hold us up at times, and it is in those times of deep stress that most will run around looking for relief and assistance when all they need to do is close their eyes and simply give their burdens back to God. It is those who know God—and remember that it is in those times of greatest need—who truly understand that He is our first and truest friend; that friend who will never leave our side, has carried us through our darkest times, and will continue to do so throughout our lives. Both of the poems Footprints and the Serenity Prayer (which can be found in the back of this book) are pieces of writing, along with our Lord’s Scripture, which truly reflect my faith and how I have chosen to live my life. Each of these three writings provide me a source of strength and guidance, helping to remind me of just how great and enduring God’s love is and how important we each are to Him, while also reminding me that there are many things out of our control. It is through this faith and understanding that I have continued to live my life. I do not live in constant fear and doubt. After all, what will that provide me but greater stress and an easier road on which our Lord’s enemy can enter my life. Instead, I live with the blessed assurance that He is always there, holding me, walking beside me, and loving me. After all, He gave us His Son to be crucified so that we may have eternal life with Him in heaven. 

We are taught in Prov. 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight (KJV). This is perhaps the most difficult thing to do, but we need to accept that we are not in control of our lives! No matter how hard we try, no matter what we attempt, ultimately, if what we want is not part of God’s true plan for us, then whatever we try will not reach complete success and we will not feel complete and fully happy within our hearts. People will ask, If He is such a powerful God and so loving, then why does He allow things such as cancer to even exist? Simply put, we will never know why such terrible diseases exist. Man has spent lifetimes trying to improve on the perfection that God created. Before we started to improve our world, people would become sick, and then if one of His people came through, healings would happen. These healings would happen on illnesses that occurred naturally, not on illnesses that were created due to the pollutants and technology that we have added to the world. As people have begun to improve life, they have walked away from the only One who can truly improve life—God. It is that realization that needs to be made today. Without the presence of our Father in our lives, how are we ever going to see the true success, happiness, and the peace that both He and we want in our lives and throughout the world? 

Chapter 2 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

—Deuteronomy 6:5 (KJV) 

Cancer was not a new word to our family’s vocabulary when we heard it on that fateful day in June 2007. Prior to having it officially hit our immediate family, we lost a nephew, who was just eight days younger than our daughter, at the tender age of only two and a half. Truthfully, he was eleven days shy of that tender age when his cancer claimed him. That was our children’s first true exposure to death, and as it was their first, it was also very difficult for them to comprehend. Trying to explain to children who are aged two and a half and six why they would not be able to see their cousin ever again (here on earth) was extremely difficult. Our daughter, the younger one, even asked how her cousin was going to be able to get out of the ground when he woke up as we were paying our respects at his graveside. It took time, but they slowly came to realize the truth—accepting that their cousin was in heaven, and that now he was no longer in pain or constantly sick. We told them that he had joined other members of our family and friends who had passed before him so that way, he was not alone. We also explained how he had been healed as he entered heaven when God had taken their cousin into His hands so that now their cousin was running and playing, just as any child should. I lost an aunt to breast cancer after an extremely long battle. They also had a great-grandfather who had passed and many other older relatives that they knew of, but had never met. I, myself, even had a scare with what the doctors thought was breast cancer; however, a true battle with that disease proved to be out of God’s plans. 

I will never forget that very frightening yet brief part of my life. We were in the process of preparing to move to our current city of residence when that telltale lump was discovered one morning while I did my monthly check. This was the second time that I had found such a lump, with the first having been during the last trimester of the pregnancy, which graced us with our son. That resulted in just a minor issue, yet it could have been so much more. It was quickly resolved, while not endangering our son, thankfully with our prayers to God being answered. With this second lump, I was in the doctor’s office within a day and had an ultrasound the following day, with that ever so frightening phone call coming late that same afternoon telling me to come back to the office in the morning, first thing. It was at that visit I received the news that not only was the lump solid; it needed to be removed as soon as possible for the doctors were certain it was cancerous. 

I was scheduled for a lumpectomy with possible mastectomy just a few days later. Since we were preparing to move anyway, I had already scheduled my last day at the school where I worked, and that occurred during that brief waiting time for the surgery. I enjoyed that final day and was surprised by a farewell party, which included the entire school on the playground! I had reported for work only to find that I had nothing to do other than to follow my coworkers as they led me outside. On the playground, all of the classes (grades kindergarten through sixth) were holding signs, cards, flowers, and several other treasures created for me by the students as well as a plaque telling of their appreciation for my dedication to the students and school, all of which I still have and cherish to this day. This demonstration of respect and affection from the students, parents, and staff meant a great deal to me, and many told me that I was in their prayers. This helped to lift my spirits as I prepared for the unknown journey ahead, and I also had many conversations with God as I prepared for whatever lay ahead. We are taught in Acts 10:34, Then Peter began to speak: I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears Him and does what is right (KJV). Our Lord does not favor any one of us over another; it is our relationship with Him that guides our life and how we live. If we welcome Him and follow Him in all ways, we will realize all of the gifts that He has planned for us. Those gifts may not come for a long time, but they will eventually come, and no matter what, we will always have Him at our side. 

Talking to God is a huge part of my life. In fact, my kids have been known to walk in and hear me talking, and they will often ask if I am talking to myself. They have yet to develop that truly personal relationship with our Lord God and Savior as they have yet to fully understand and accept who and what He truly is and can be in our lives. They have been taught all about Him, and that if they need something, all they need to do is ask, and He is there; however, they have not fully accepted it as truth. During this time (as I have done and will continue to do throughout my life), I asked God to help give me the strength to get through the first part of the procedure, which would be done using only a local anesthesia, until the laboratory results were in, and it was known just how serious of a situation we were facing. I also asked Him to help give my family the strength to face the possible trials that would come with any necessary treatment on top of the impending move and to bless the medical team with a steady hand. As it turns out, He blessed our family with a miracle, one of many for which I am truly blessed. As we were in the operating room during my surgery, listening to classical music and talking, it was mentioned that the lab results were taking much longer than normal. Just as we had made the decision to proceed with the full procedure, the lab called down with the amazing news. The results had taken so long due to the fact that the lab had run the tests multiple times and all of them came to the