When I Was a Child

By Lillie McGee

When I was a child, I did not live with what I went through. All I can say is it was completely gone. If something happened the night before or during a weekend, I simply did not know. I felt a sense of sadness inside or maybe a knowledge I was different. But I had no explanation for this foreboding feeling. As I grew closer to eight years old, I became aware of the fact that I had no parent, mother or father. I did not mourn it though. It didn't even seem important to me. I lived in a strange place. I did not know anything. I believe to keep the memories down until I could handle them. After my mother died, it was time. She was gone. My world changed. Something about her being dead opened a tremendous fear. A fear I had to deal with, or it would end me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 25, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098027568

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When I Was a Child

Lillie McGee

Copyright © 2020 by Lillie McGee

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

A Journey

The First Step

My First Day in Hospital

Bonanza

Life Goes On

Finding Someone to Help

Money

How to Live with It

Learning about My Anger

A Flashback

Back to Karen

Remembering My Mother

A Walk with Mother

Houston

The Mustard Bread

Unthinkable

Sugar

The Empty Hotel

A New Day

After the Memories

New Hope

Partial Program

Chapter 1

A Journey

Why did I rent this house? It seemed to me as if I was obsessed to be alone. I love this house, really small but with a big porch. I usually love to sit on porches in the early air of morning with coffee.

Funny I never use this porch. I do enjoy the sun coming in the big double window, kind of shadowy because of the roofline from the covered porch. The light comes in and shines on the wood floors. It is important to me the little house is clean especially shiny floors. They give me something to stare at, which I enjoy. Shadows from a window are lovely to look at.

I do have a big family of my own. My four boys, I guess my children are my most important thing I have.

This house is a small, and they have been at their daddy’s a lot. I finally left him. I guess almost six years ago now.

I am married again, but it’s not going to work out. I do not want to live with him anymore. He is mean with my boys. I won’t go back to him. I am in no hurry to get a divorce again.

This house is perfect though. I love cleaning it and being here alone.

It did come very easy for me to quit my job at the bank and pull out my retirement early. I’m thirty-six, not retiring yet. But to be here and not get out and go to work is wonderful. I never have money, so this little retirement I got out is enough to cover rent. No worries right now.

I’m just enjoying myself cleaning this little house alone by myself. I was sweeping the dust off the shiny wood floors. They show any little bit of dust that falls or a leaf from a plant. I do listen to the radio sometimes. I like some of the people who come on it. Funny I can listen to people on this station that discuss things, but I get very annoyed with television. It is mostly the sweet Christian songs that I don’t mind at all.

This sunny day is showing off through the window as I sweep. A man is asking questions like Do you get migraines? I said yes and swept the broom. Did you have an early hysterectomy, he asked. Again, I said yes and swept the broom. He was saying did you this and did you that. Every time, my answer was yes to all the questions. I felt tickled at playing with the radio. But as he went on, I became concerned he knew so much about me. I was scared. I fell back on my couch and froze a minute. Why would he know so many things that are very much like me? I know I am different than other people, but no one else knows. I can hide things very well.

He knows something about me. All my strange ways are mine. This disturbs me because I know I am unusual. I do a very good job of not sharing everything. I don’t like people to know some of the things he’s talking about. I do things I hide. If no one is home, I may stare a long time and just go rest inside myself for hours. When I know the boys will soon be home, I get dressed and act perfectly fine and alive again with them. Laugh and talk. Fix their supper and get them ready for school the next day. I want to be a good mother. I don’t want them to see me so worthless as I become. It is like I can’t move, in a daydream. I did it at school too. I just go numb. I don’t know why.

He mentioned a lot of my odd behavior. Strange he would know so much about me. If those questions mean something, I need to know what is wrong. He even knew things I did as a child. I am very private. I hide inside myself so no one else can see. No one knows me. I never said to anyone the odd things I did or thought. How can he talk about this? I can blend. It can’t be important.

But on this day, a man on a radio just hit all my pretending to be okay out of me.

I know I should tell him the truth and try to be real. I love the Lord very much. He is my strength, my courage, and I know He has caused me to hear this man. I am not happy about it, but I will obey. I always try to obey Him. He has been with me since I was seven years old. I challenged him to make me white as snow. I thought it funny that anything could make me white because I knew how mean I was. No one could do that. But as all Christians know if you ask, He will.

Now He wants me to talk to this guy. God is telling me to do this. I can do that; I guess.

So I called the number they were giving out for questions. He answered the call immediately. His voice was assuring, and I felt him a patient man. I began by explaining my answers over his questions. I told him they were like me. I said yes to them all. What do they mean?

He asked me a couple of them again, and I said yes to him. I told him I understood the questions and all of them were about me. What I need to know is what you are talking about. What is the topic you are discussing? I didn’t hear him say what it was about. He answered me by saying he would like to put my call on hold and come back to me off the air.

While on hold, I felt a little embarrassed. The questions made me feel exposed somehow.

I know I must be honest. This is something God is doing. When he came back to the phone, he said that I might have been sexually abused. I said no. I would know that if it happened.

He asked me if I was alone right now. I said yes. He then said had I ever felt suicidal. Well, I was put off some by the intrusion of my personal thoughts especially this one. Actually, he made me mad. It really is none of his business, yet I said I thought about it sometimes. He even went so far as to ask had I thought about how I would do it. I was honest and said I would use a knife. His next question was if I have a knife. I said in the kitchen I do. Why?

I really wanted to stop talking to him because I realized I had three knives out on the counter, and now I was wondering why.

It hit me that maybe I wanted to be here all alone for one reason, that I ignored it. I wasn’t allowing myself to question anything I did, or why I did it. I was scared.

I admitted to him that I was probably suicidal now. He started talking about his hospital. What they did there. He hoped I could come. We actually planned it all out. I was going to Dallas, Texas. He set it up for me on the phone.

It’s funny I was not at all concerned. It felt like I was meant to go. I had to go. Why I was able to do all I did and not even know I planned it somewhere in my mind. I was here alone. When did I select the knives?

God was good to me always, knowing it was a dangerous time for me. He had me hear a radio program clearly enough to move me to get help.

Yes, I was scared. I saw I had plans but not in control of myself. It cannot happen. My children cannot go through that.

I have pushed them away just enough to let me be alone. No. I will do what I must do. I see I have to follow God wherever he leads without question and never give up on life again. I am actually dangerous to myself. This was a new feeling.

My journey started here. Cleaning my rental house, dropping out on life, and the love I had around me.

I will find the answers, and He will lead me where I go. I will never give up again.

Chapter 2

The First Step

After the call, it seemed like the next day I was on my way to Dallas.

Everything fell into place so easily. They say when God opens a door, He will make a way.

For someone with little assets, it seemed easy to get $3,000 cash and a ticket on a plane with an open date to come home. I know it