I Want to Be a Memory: The Story of How a Little Clown Left a Big Mark in the Hearts of the People

By Jackie Garner

This book gives Jackie “Lolli” Garner the opportunity to express and share her deep faith and how it has affected many of the people, young and old, that she has met along the way.

Over her many years Jackie Garner has exemplified everything a clown can aspire to be. She has been relentlessly hilarious in performance. She has been incredibly giving and sharing to other performers whom she has inevitably inspired. She has touched the hearts of so many people in medical and social hardship. Now she is sharing her stories in book form. It may have a ‘price’ on the outside but the inside (like Jackie herself) is invaluable! —David Bartlett (Mr. Rainbow the Clown), an award-winning clown, author, stage producer, and performer

For decades, Jackie has shared love and laughs that encourage the heart. I’ve seen this happen with large crowds and with single individuals and I’ve experienced it myself. She is a rich example of one who ’clowns from the heart.’ This is her calling. This is her life. And this is her gift... and we are all better because of her. —Randy Christensen, a master clown, past president of World Clown Association, instructor at clown training camps around the world, and children’s church pastor

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 5, 2021
• ISBN: 9781638440130

Book preview

Bright’s Disease

When I was nine years old, I went to the five and dime (it was just before my ninth birthday). I bought myself a book; it cost me all of twenty-five cents. It was a bible storybook, and it told stories about this wonderful man named Jesus, and I loved reading it over and over again. He became my superhero. I believed that He was real.

That was my first and only recollection about learning about Jesus, through that book that I bought. I couldn’t wait to get to meet Him someday in heaven.

About six months after I bought that book, I developed something called scarlet fever. After the scarlet fever, I ended up having something called Bright’s disease due to the scarlet fever, and I was in the middle of kidney failure.

So I was in the hospital for about six weeks. I had been in bed for the entire time. I had tubes, and I had needles all over me. It wasn’t very pleasant. I looked like somebody had stuck a straw in my arm and blew me up. I had webbed fingers, sort of like a catcher’s mitt or like a duck’s feet. I was swollen from head to toe. I could smell my hands and my arms, and they smelled like urine. That is because my kidneys were not functioning as they should, and my urine was getting into my bloodstream and permeated through my skin.

I remember my doctor, Dr. Conklin, was talking to my mother outside my door, and I could hear them talking.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Sledge. Jackie is not going to make it through the night. Now, we can make her last hours comfortable here. You may want to call your family and have them come up to be with her here. Or if you would rather, we can make arrangements to get a hospital bed to your house and everything set up to where she can be at home if you want her to pass at home.

My mother said, We want her home.

So they took care of everything. The hospital connected with EMS, then I was placed in an ambulance, and they took me home.

My dad had taken the dining room table out of the dining room, and then they set up a hospital bed in there. Later that night, I was in bed, and my mom was lying beside me. That night, she had drunk a lot of beer and had more or less passed out. Bless her heart! Meanwhile, I could hear my dad crying in the other room.

I did not know why everyone was so upset because I was going to get to see Jesus. I knew Jesus was coming to get me, and I was going to heaven. Why were they so sad?

All of a sudden, the French doors that connected the dining room to the living room opened up, and all these peoplelike figures came in. I just knew they had to be angels.

They floated in, and they surrounded my bed. The entire room was filled with these beautiful angels, but they had no wings. I knew what they were, but I couldn’t see their faces that distinctly. Still, I knew they were men and women that I had known in my short little life—my aunts and uncles that had passed, my great-grandmother, and all these people who I knew were waiting for me in heaven. I knew Jesus was coming, and there were just all these beautiful, beautiful mazes of these angelic faces surrounding my bed and filling the room.

Then quietly, through the double doors, came Jesus. Now Jesus did not have long hair, as He had in the pictures I had bought and then hung on my wall or those I had seen of Him in my book. He did not have a long beard. Jesus had a shorter beard and shoulder-length hair.

I knew it was Him, and He came to the foot of my bed. I was super excited!

Jesus asked, Jackie, do you love me?

Yes, sir.

He asked a second time, Jackie, do you love me?

Yes, sir.

Jesus asked a third time, Jackie, do you love me?

Well, now I thought, Jesus must be going deaf. So I shouted, Yes, Jesus, I love you!

Jesus asked me, Jackie, what do you want of me?

I wasn’t sure what He meant. Was it like on your birthday when you get to wish for something? When you get to go and be in heaven, do you get a wish before you leave? I said to Him, I do not want my family to be sad. I could still hear my daddy crying in the other room as well as my mom crying herself to sleep earlier.

Jesus said, Do you believe I will never give you more than you could bear?

I didn’t think I liked the sound of that. I said, Well, I don’t know what you mean, but yes, I believe that. I thought, Does this mean I have to hurt?

Jesus told me, Now, Jackie, you will feel three sharp pains, and when you think you can’t stand it anymore, I will take your pain away.

Jesus came and stood by my side. My mom was lying on her side with her arm across my body. Jesus told me to take my mother’s hand and lay it on my tummy. Well, I moved it to my tummy. I bent my mom’s elbow a little bit.

Now, I had her hand on my tummy. Jesus picked my hand up and placed it on top of my mom’s hand. Then He put His hand on top of mine. The next thing I felt were his fingers and then His palm, as He closed my eyes.

I tried super hard to open my eyes, but I couldn’t do it. About that time, my whole tummy went into this intense hard knot.

Whoa, that hurts. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Then, as fast as it came on, it stopped. Whew! That hurt!

Jesus said, I am with you, Jackie.

Okay. I was still trying to open my eyes. My tummy tightened up again, and oh man, this time, it was worse than the first one.

Ow! Ow! Ow! I cannot take it anymore. I can’t stand it. Wow. It stopped. I still tried to open my eyes. Suddenly the pain just grabbed me, and I cried out, Oh, no! No!

It hurt so bad. When I could not take it anymore, it stopped. The next thing I knew, it’s morning, and there’s an ambulance backed up to our front door with the back doors open. These men were taking my bed and putting me into the back of this ambulance.

I looked down and saw I was the size of a nine-year-old girl. I didn’t have wide weblike fingers anymore. My face wasn’t all puffy anymore. All the swelling in my legs and my feet were all gone. I looked like a nine-year-old girl.

I was so mad at Jesus because He did not take me to heaven! My mom was just beside herself. She’s in the back of the ambulance with me. I told her how mad I was at Jesus and that I did not get to die. I started to cry.

Mom asked, What are you saying?

I told her about Jesus and everybody coming into the room and surrounding my bed. They must’ve been my guardian angels. I told Him I didn’t want her and daddy to be sad. I guess He thought that my mom would not be unhappy as long as I stayed here. I shouldn’t have asked Him to do that because I didn’t get to go. I started to cry again.

Mom told me, Honey, you must have dreamed all of that. Don’t ever tell another living soul about this. They will lock you up and throw away the key!

Well, now, I felt like Mom did not understand how much I love Jesus.

I was brought back to the hospital, and they’re poking and prodding me and did x-rays and blood work and scans and all this stuff. I wanted to go back home. I wanted to play outside with my brother and sister.

As I was sitting on an examination table at the hospital and going, Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! with my heels hitting the metal table, I saw the doctor walking up and down the hall.

Talking to one of the other doctors, he said, I don’t understand this. I can’t. Oh my gosh! Now he’s got these other doctors coming up to him.

My mother walked out of my room, stood at the door, and screamed at Dr. Conklin, What the hell is wrong with you? What’s going on with my daughter?

He walked over to my mom, shaking and scratching his head. Finally, Dr. Conklin said to my mom, Mrs. Sledge, I have never seen anything like this in my life. Jackie had so much infection in her body. She was full of pus in her system from her failing kidneys. They were so infected. Her whole body consisted of nothing but a raging infection—entirely nothing but pus. Now, there’s not any of that in her bloodstream, whatsoever. Her kidneys look like they’re new. There’s no scarring on them either. Just look at her. My doctor threw his arms up and said, I just don’t understand it.

And I was listening to him. I told my doctor, Well, I understand it.

Mother said, Jackie, now you hush up!

Dr. Conklin came in the room and stood there in front of me. Jackie, do you think you know what happened? Do you think you can explain any of this to me?

I told him, I’m mad at Jesus right now, because He came and you said I was going to get to go to heaven and that I was supposed to die. So I was waiting.

I told him the whole story, and my mother, about halfway through it all, said rather loudly, Now, Jackie, you hush up.

The doctor positioned himself to where he’s right in between my mother and me, so I couldn’t see her face, and I kept talking to him.

As I was telling him what happened, he took my hands. Jackie, go ahead, finish telling me.

I remember thinking while he’s holding my hands, Boy, he’s got incredibly soft hands for a man. My dad had calloused hands; he was a carpenter. Dad had rough hands, and this doctor had hands even softer than my mom’s. I think that’s because he was a surgeon.

I told him what happened, and all of a sudden, Dr. Conklin started going down on his knees, and now the doctor was kneeling in front of me and still holding onto my hands. He looked up at me, and he started crying a little. I didn’t know what to think about that.

I got to the end and told him that when I got in the ambulance to come back to the hospital, I was mad at God because He didn’t let me go with Jesus and because I made the wrong wish.

Jackie, the doctor said.

Yes, sir.

What faith are you?

What?

Mama said in the background, It ain’t the holy rollers.

I had no idea what she meant by that. I asked, What is faith?

He told me, The faith that you believe in Jesus. You know, sweetheart, sometimes we forget who’s really in charge down here, don’t we?

I guess so!

Dr. Conklin said, Jackie, promise me you’ll never lose your faith. Jackie, I am a doctor, honey, and I sometimes forget who’s in charge. I will always remember you. God sent you to me for this to happen so I would always remember that even though I can’t fix it, He can. So thank you for that. He got up and hugged me.

I said, Can I please go home and go play outside?

He says, You sure can!

So, you see, that’s where my faith started, where it’s always been. Here I am, at seventy-two years old, and I still have that faith of a child. It’s not a difficult faith. I believe in Him because He is real, real to my heart. I have always lived my life for Him.

All these years of happy memories have led me to write this book to let everyone know.

If you try to be kind, gentle, and trust Daddy God with everything you do and try to make everything in your life for Him, then He will bless you.

May you always say, To God be the glory! Amen!

To God be the Glory

Ican remember like it was yesterday when I worked at Tom Thumb Page cheese shop in Texas, and I was a gourmet cheese department manager.

I decided that I wanted to do something special for the children that came into the store. We had so many children that came in, and I fell in love with every single one of them. They would come to my shop and get a piece of string cheese from the lady that worked there. And I loved that part of it. I decided to have a baby photo contest.

I talked to the store manager, and I said, Do you think for Valentine’s Day we could have a baby photo contest? The parents could turn their children’s pictures in to us. I’ll put them on long ribbons. We’ll have pink for the girls and red for the boys on Valentine’s Day, and we’ll announce a big winner on Valentine’s Day.

On that Valentine’s Day, I dressed up in a little mouse costume that I made and wore dark glasses. Then I proceeded to walk around the store, pulling a little red wagon that had a forty-pound block of cheese and singing the song Three Blind Mice, Three Blind Mice. But what the children did not know was that I was blind in my left eye, and I had tunnel vision in the right. I had not seen color in over three and a half years.

The children came in, then the bigwigs (store managers) came in, and they judged the baby photo contest. We had the big announcement, and dressing up like a little mouse was so much fun, for the kids just got the biggest kick out of it.

And just before we had the big announcement, a newspaper writer, who wrote for our hometown paper, was there. She asked me what all the pictures were about, so I told her, but I was not dressed like the mouse at that time. I just told her what I was going to do, and she thought that was interesting. She interviewed me because she wanted to do a story about the woman in the cheese shop who had a green thumb when it came to children. Because even though I worked for the grocery store, it seemed I had a green thumb when it came to children.

A week or so after she decided to do the story, I had a heart attack while at work. What was wrong with my eyes was something called ophthalmic migraines. If my blood pressure went up too high, when one of the migraines would hit, I could not tolerate light at all.

The vessels in my eyes were too weak due to the ophthalmic migraines, and they would burst, and then the eye would fill with blood. That’s how I lost the sight in the one eye, and I had tunnel vision in the other. That’s why I hadn’t seen color in so many years.

I had this heart attack, and I ended up coming home awhile later. When I felt better, my husband said, Honey, I don’t want you to go back to work. I love you, and I’m worried about you that maybe you’re just working too hard.

I didn’t have to work because my husband always took good care of our family. I just needed something to do because my kids were getting close to the age of leaving home, and I was going to be an empty nester.

Sometime later, I was sitting at home and filling out some forms to gain entrance into a school for the blind in Austin, Texas. When I saw one of the things that they were offering at the school, I remember thinking to myself, They are going to teach me how to play bingo with a card in braille. I was so excited because I had played bingo with my grandmother for several years. That was just a fun pastime, and I