Stumbling to Find the One

By Neil Putnam

Up to now, everything Jeff Patterson learned about women has come from the worst possible places. On top of that, it seems like everyone around him has already found the love of their lives while he continues to toss back drinks with his beloved cat. Feeling that it's now his time to shine as he approaches thirty years old, Jeff is ready to take the necessary chances to find that lucky lady he has always dreamed of. The only problem is he never could have imagined how low he was capable of stooping in the process. Come along on his search to find the woman he has always figured was out there waiting for him. If she exists.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Neil Putnam
• Release date: Jun 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223215745

Book preview

If you are reading this, thank you for giving my book a chance. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

1

There was a knock at the door. A beautiful woman opened it to find a young, muscular man.

Hello. Can I help you? she asked him.

Hi there, he responded. Sorry to bother you, but my name is Dong and I am a student at the local university. Our spirit clubs are having a competition where whoever sells the most magazines wins a pizza party for all of the members. Do you think you could be my next sale?

Sure, I’ll take a look. Would you like to come inside?

I’d love to, although I do have condoms in case you change your mind.

Soon after, the situation steered far away from magazines as smooth jazz music began playing. Just like that, the beautiful woman and Dong were going at it like two dogs let loose after being tied up for a month.

If you are wondering where this bizarre turn of events came from, it was actually the opening scene of a pornographic VHS tape my friend, Roger, and I watched at his house when we were 13. He had snatched it from his older brother’s room and being curious teenagers, we decided to give it a watch. I’ll spare you any further details of the movie except that Dong failed to sell a magazine to benefit his club, not that he seemed to mind.

The reason I bring this up is that for quite some time after that night, I felt like there must not be much to meeting women and ultimately falling in love with one of them. You just blurt out any kind of nonsense to start and before you know it, the two of you have been married for fifty years. I did eventually outgrow those thoughts, but I can't help but feel like that movie set back my chances with women for quite some time. For years, I was pretty much ignored in any attempts of using a slick (or as some might say, shitty) pick up line I heard on TV. One day during my freshman year of college, I was caught off guard when a sweet girl in my astronomy class smiled and responded back to a witty comment I made, only to see me fall to pieces right in front of her. I followed it up with a comment along the lines of, Uh...hey...uh...my name...I mean would you like to...uh...you know...uh...hot out today. Immediately after saying this (whatever it was), the professor walked in and that was the end of any chance I had to get to know her.

It is also worth mentioning that I grew up watching my dad treat my mother like absolute shit while they were together. About the same timeframe we had watched that movie, she decided she had enough and ended their marriage. After that point, whenever I visited my father, he was with a different woman who never seemed to be anyone he particularly cared about. This led to me overhearing plenty of arguments. In reality, some days were a lesson on exactly how not to treat women and I now realize I should have paid closer attention. Although children take in a lot based on what they see while growing up, I can't exactly sit here and play the blame game for any of my own shortcomings as an adult.

I won’t dig into anything further on that front though. Over time, I did notice how I had copied my father’s behavior on a few occasions when talking to women around the time I was in high school. The backlash I received was similar among them and I now realize it was well-deserved. Rather than trying to learn more positive communication skills, I began taking an easier route that involved hardly talking to anyone along with feeling sorry for myself. This ultimately led to a phase in my life where I instantly became nervous around any woman I approached. It was as if I had grown this constant fear that I would revert to blurting out an obnoxious comment (nice ass!) and blow any opportunity I may have had. It certainly wasn’t as easy as I had previously thought it would be, which was by going around selling magazines.

Despite these rocky times, today was my chance to put it all behind me for good. I'm now 28 years old and have learned a lot from my past behavior. The current problem is that on the days I did bring my A-game, it was as if my date ended up being someone who recently broke out of an insane asylum. Regardless of that, I am confident that this is the day when my luck finally turns around. In fact, my fortune cookie from lunch even said change is on the way. Talk about motivation kicking in at the right time.

I was sitting at the bar of the only candlelit restaurant in the area. As rock-bottom as I thought it sounded, I gave in to the idea of a blind date with a friend of a coworker. To keep the mystery of the idea, we both went in with limited details except what I would be wearing so she could spot me (or sneak out without me having any idea). At least being able to take in the lavish establishment would make up for it should the situation go downhill.

Could I get you a drink, sir? asked a bartender donning a vest and tie.

I’ll go with a rum and soda please.

This place had over 100 bourbon and wine options, yet here I am landing on the three-dollar rum at the bottom of the list. Then again, I figured this was not the time to try a drink that I have zero experience with otherwise I might risk falling back into my former cocky and moronic ways.

Could I also get a water? I asked figuring it wouldn’t hurt should I suddenly need a kick of hydration to ease my nerves.

Absolutely, he said with a nod.

The restaurant was plenty toasty for a fall evening, but for whatever reason, I felt as cool as a cucumber. Perhaps it had to do with my ass sinking into the cushy bar chair I had decided upon, which was still regaining its shape from whoever had just gotten up from it. Soon after, the bartender dropped off my drink. With one sip, it had brought a tingly feeling through my veins to help put me at ease. For the moment, I sat back while listening to a man play piano in the crowded room full of conversation. Yup, this was sure to be my day unless some big shot decided to propose to his girlfriend and one-up everyone else.

I checked my watch. It was 7:04 PM which meant she'd be here at any moment. My eye started to twitch as butterflies began to collect in my stomach. Rather than panic and make a run for it, I decided it wasn't a concern to make a big deal about. It could always be worse, perhaps from something like having my tongue continually lash out as if I was trying to catch flies. While waiting, I began to think about what my dream woman would be like. It always came down to the three qualities of beauty, kindness, and (of course) being a sports fan. I would throw in wanting to find someone who could cleanly shotgun a beer, but I suppose I couldn't be too picky. I then saw a woman walking slowly towards me.

Jeff? she asked.

Yeah, I responded as I snapped out of my deep thought.

It’s me, Megan. How are you?

I’m doing great. It’s so nice to meet you.

As I shook her hand and pulled out a chair, I found myself getting lost in her eyes as she waved her long, brown hair to the side. Quality number one for beauty had been met. I was delighted to see she went fairly simple and wore jeans with a red blouse or I'd have spent the entire night second-guessing my choice of jeans and a collared shirt.

I’m so sorry to not make it here by 7, she said. I typically spend Saturday afternoons volunteering at a nursing home. Today I couldn’t bring myself to leave without finishing our game of bingo before making a quick stop at home.

Quality number two for kindness was also a slam dunk.

No worries there. That’s understandable and thoughtful at the same time I must say.

The bartender then stopped back and took her drink order. She decided to go with bourbon on the rocks. It was a brand I'd never heard of (likely due to the cost), but to avoid looking clueless, I mentioned that it was an excellent choice. Having just met, I figured it was unlikely she would know I was fibbing and call me out on it.

I must say, you have quite a handshake to go with those sweet brown eyes of yours, she said. If it was the same for you, I wasn’t given more than a few details up to now so I’m going into this without much to work with. Perhaps we can start with the basics. What do you do for a living?

"Right now, I have an accounting job at the hardware in town to balance the books and keep track of what brings in the most profit. Nothing fancy, although it does pay the bills. How about you?’

Right now I am a teaching assistant for one of the professors at Hayeston University, she responded. It's only part-time as I am still going to school with hopes of eventually becoming an elementary school teacher.

Juggling school and work must keep you busy, I said.

The bartender returned with her drink and she took a sip to try it out. Up to this point, the date was going as smoothly as I could have imagined. After we each provided background on our jobs, a few questions about family and where we grew up were discussed. I felt grateful that the conversation didn't start out slow or else I might have asked her if she had ever run into a guy named Dong at her college.

As I gazed into her face at one point I said, I must admit, this has gone pretty well so far.

I know, right? she said. To be honest, I thought I’d have better odds of seeing Cleveland win a championship in football this year than I did of landing such an incredible blind date.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Up to this point, the conversation had zero mention of any sports and yet here we were with quality number three of her being a sports fan having been hit harder than a quarterback whose offensive line closed down the bar the night before.

Timeout, I said. You are a Cleveland fan too?

Absolutely. My entire family is obsessed so I grew up watching them all the time, she said while hitting her hands on the bar.

Megan, I never thought I’d say such a thing out loud on a first date but I...I think I...I think I love you.

I’m sorry, you what?

I said I love you.

While I expected a bit of shock on her end, something seemed to be off. Her eyes darted around and she began swaying her head from side to side. It was as if she might be about to throw up on the bar and extinguish our strawberry-scented candle. Within a matter of seconds, I couldn't comprehend what I was witnessing. My lovely date had stood up and instantly grown close to what must have been 15 feet tall. She then began to morph into some kind of gray alien type of monster that you might see in a horror flick. The Megan I had met that could make a smart man stupid was no more as the transformation continued. She was now a misshapen blob with enormous, solid black eyes and small tentacles lashing out from where her arms used to be. To go with the transformation, I caught a whiff of a foul stench unlike any I've ever encountered, almost as if I had walked into the sewers. Miraculously, her now torn jeans and red shirt managed to remain intact for the most part.

At this moment, it was as if I was frozen in my seat despite the warm blood I could feel thumping through every inch of my body. People were running away with their hands in the air as I heard screams from every direction. All the while I sat there as my jaw hit the floor. The candles at each table and along the bar now shot up incredible flames that reached the ceiling. It was as if I were making a decent down to Hell. She mentioned earlier how she was a fan of brown hair and brown eyes, but I'm not sure if she would be as enthusiastic about the other brown that began making its way into my pants. She was now only a few inches away from me.

In a deep, echoing voice she said, The best way to love is with your heart. How about I take a look at yours?

I nearly fainted as one of the tentacles tore straight into my chest and grabbed hold of my heart. Just as she was about to rip it out and end my life, I jumped up and awoke in my bed, drenched in sweat.

What the fuck! I shouted.

It turned out that my perfect date gone wrong was nothing more than an unbelievable nightmare (and not one of those moments that ends with the phrase, Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I wound up in this situation). My alarm clock showed it was a few minutes after 4AM. My heart was racing as my mind attempted to piece together what had just taken place in this scene. I slowly began to come back to reality as a refreshing breeze blew in through my window. I sat and listened to the sounds of crickets outside along with the soft purr of my cat still resting aside my pillow. I swear he could sleep through a firework display put on in my room, although I was glad to see my jumping up and yelling had not disturbed his tranquility.

The air was so cool that I began to shiver with all the sweat that had collected in my shirt. I then made a check to be certain my boxers had not been soiled. All clear. I imagine you are asking yourself why anyone would do this after a rough dream. For context, when my friend, Roger, was 17, he told me he had a dream in which he shit his pants at school only to wake up and find out he had actually shit them for