So You Want To Be a Vampire Hunter? Crackpot Career Advice for Budding Slayers

By Iain Pattison

A bitingly funny look at the mad, mayhem world of the wannabe monster hunter.

Forget the lure of TV baking shows, strip Monopoly and flinging snails over next door's fence, we know what you secretly yearn to do after dark - and that's get out your hammer and stake and go vampire hunting. And be reassured - you're not alone. For millions of like-minded souls, fighting a fanged foe is our number one hidden desire.

Until now it's been difficult to get a solid grounding in the art of the slayer; to find the information and specialist training necessary to make this dream a full-time career. But those sorry days are over. With just this amazing new Instruction manual, a few weeks practice and an understanding local police department, you can turn yourself from a bashful to a Buffy, and banish batty bad guys forever.

Success, fame and riches are guaranteed with this must-have go-get-em guidebook, but be warned - the publishers cannot accept responsibility for any injuries or increase in family size sustained while accepting the grateful thanks of nubile members of your local community. Always use protection - both when hunting and celebrating afterwards.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Iain Pattison
• Release date: Sep 12, 2016
• ISBN: 9798223851806

Iain Pattison

Having discovered that he was not The Chosen One of which the ancient prophesises spoke, Iain Pattison ditched his kaftan, sold his sandals and vowed to eke out a living as an author and humorist. Between penning funny tales, he battles to give obscure words like eke a place in polite society. He resides in Birmingham, England but often feels a mysterious urge to return to his cave in Tibet for Bank Holiday weekends.

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About the Author

Iain Pattison is one of the country’s leading experts in the identification, tracking and extermination of mythical beings.

A favourite on the late-night phone-in circuit, he holds an honorary degree in paranormal paronomasia and is a former Ruritanian Government advisor on unicorn husbandry. His lycanthropy instruction manual Where There’s a Werewolf, There’s a Way! topped the Bournemouth Evening Echo best-seller chart three weeks running.

For several years Iain ran vampire hunter training workshops until fate and Swindon Corporation Trading Standards Department intervened.

He now lives in Birmingham under both an assumed name and a motorway flyover.

To find out more about Iain follow him on Twitter @AuthorIain or visit http://www.iainpattison.co.uk

Disclaimer

This guide is for entertainment purposes only. You should always seek proper legal and medical advice before attempting to follow the slaying techniques outlined, especially if you are pregnant - or want to be.

All prices and prejudices correct at time of printing. This book, like society, may contain nuts.

Introduction

Let's be honest about it. We’ve all dreamed of giving up the day job and securing a more glamorous and exciting night-time occupation. And what better nocturnal trade could there be than slaying vampires?

Yes, all those years ago your careers teacher tried to talk you out of it, saying it offered poor promotion prospects, was incredibly dangerous and would send your insurance premiums through the roof. And you probably listened to him, letting his conventional but downbeat advice crush your hopes of gory glory, and reluctantly settled for that post in the council planning department and weekends pruning your roses.

But the good news is that it’s not too late to become the monster hunting avenger you’ve always yearned to be. Destiny awaits. Dusty dungeons and creepy crypts beckon. A life packed with fangs, prangs and vigilante gangs could still be yours. All you need is courage, dedication and the invaluable information contained in this handy guide to the slayer’s art.

In just a few short fact-packed chapters, I’ll show you how to fashion yourself into a lean, mean, hunting machine. I’ll explain the ins and outs of staking, how to make a sensational splash with hallowed H2O, fleet footed secrets to mastering the Transylvanian Twist and offer insights on choosing a loyal, wisecracking and conveniently disposable sidekick.

With key sections on: how to identify a vampire; likely places to trap them; the most effective tools and weapons to employ; and the qualities, qualifications and quotable sound bites required of a modern media savvy slayer, this indispensible instruction manual will teach all you’ll ever need to know to dump your dull, dreary existence and make your demon-destroying dreams come true.

Don’t worry at this stage if you can’t tell your Van Helsing from your Van Rental, this comprehensive booklet is aimed at wannabe slayers of all skill levels and experience, and will equip you with exactly the know-how, tips and techniques necessary for a new, fulfilling career in the reanimated refuse removal business.

So don’t delay a moment longer. It’s time to lift the coffin lid and peek inside. Remember the monster hunter’s motto: Carpe Diem* - seize the day!

* Scholars disagree over the exact translation. Some argue that the spelling should be Carp Diem - grab the fish.

Why Be a Hunter?

It’s a huge step becoming a slayer, a big challenge; the kind of career choice that can seriously affect your health, wealth and availability to babysit. So what are the attractions?

Well, at the risk of geeing you up, I’d have to immediately point to the glory, gravitas, groupies, and gushing gratitude of a terror gripped gaggle gathered behind their garlic adorned gables. Plus, of course, generous Government grants.

And the notion of being a hero is intoxicating, especially when people are buying you free drinks. You can be a role model, looked up to by your neighbours and family, and adored by members of the opposite sex. The masses will want to put you on a pedestal - mostly because you’re cheaper than a statue and won’t rust.

But it’s not just the lure of acclaim, casual sex, dedicated parking and autograph signing - you also have the knowledge that you’re performing a vital public service. There’s immense satisfaction in ridding the world of a deadly supernatural menace; indulging in the thrill of the kill. And for the incredibly painstaking, it offers the delight of inflicting pain... staking.

True, there are occupations that offer more money but few that provide greater status, sense of purpose and job satisfaction, or the opportunity to run around castles and stately homes without having to join The National Trust or wipe your muddy boots.

And none that give you the amazing freedom to turn your back