Planet: Lay of the Land

By Paul Garmisch

About the Book

Have a Fun Ride while reading this Wacky, frequently humorous, "Star Trek-like" outer space, action packed, sci-fi fantasy "Satire" about Human Life on Earth -- but it doesn't happen on Earth. This PG-13 story comes straight from a strange solar system that exists near the Center of our Milky Way Galaxy!! And by all means, have Happy Trails while taking the ride.

About the Author
Just when you thought the last of the real cowboys were extinct from too many rodeos and late-night, hooch-soaked booty calls from women in tight western jeans, here comes writer Paul Garmisch, a true renaissance man who has lived to fill his bucket list.
Born in Chicago, 1952, Garmisch was raised on a northern Illinois dairy farm, went to college at the U of Montana for seven years studying forestry, geology, and other environmental sciences. While working his way through college, Garmisch operated earth-moving equipment in Missoula gravel pits and road construction, worked as a fraternity house manager and a sorority house waiter, and was a studio musician, where he played the stand up bass and cello. As a musician, he played music in local taverns with his band.
After college Garmisch worked for twenty-some years in Montana and Wyoming—logging, cattle ranching, farming, placer gold mining, field geology, log home construction, forest fire fighting, ski mountaineer guiding, snow avalanche control, wilderness search and rescue and recovery, big game hunting. The list goes on for this well-seasoned outdoorsman.
While doing this, Garmisch had his arts hobby—model building and wildlife sculpting, which he turned into a new career in the 1990s. He worked as a professional artist and architectural model maker, and project manager and general manager, specializing in dioramas and special effects painting for companies and museums in San Francisco, Phoenix, Arizona, Nevada, and Chicago. This lasted until 2008. Then Garmisch went back to field geology for placer gold mining in northern California, Nevada, and Arizona. Paul now lives in Las Vegas.
Through the numerous trials and tribulations of life in general, married life (twenty-eight years if all three are added up), and having four sons, Garmisch started to note a thing or two about this crazy world we come parading into buck naked and crying. Garmisch decided to write, and his mind collided into a cornucopia of extra high proof storytelling, with a message about real life on Earth from this Homer of the west. “Humor cures all,” says Garmisch, and his stories are loaded with it. Too much fun!!
Happy Trails.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dorrance Publishing Company
• Release date: Mar 16, 2023
• ISBN: 9798885275279

Book preview

Contents

Copyright

NOTE FOR READERS: from the author’s locker-room

Another Note for Readers

CHAPTER ONE In the beginning

CHAPTER TWO Beginning of an End

CHAPTER THREE Meanwhile

CHAPTER FOUR Back at the Ranch

CHAPTER FIVE The Hunter and the Hunted

CHAPTER SIX Yuppix

CHAPTER SEVEN Business is Business

CHAPTER EIGHT The Transformation

CHAPTER NINE Condoning Matters

CHAPTER TEN The Hand

EPILOGUE

Closing Note from author Paul Garmisch

The contents of this work, including, but not limited to, the accuracy of events, people, and places depicted; opinions expressed; permission to use previously published materials included; and any advice given or actions advocated are solely the responsibility of the author, who assumes all liability for said work and indemnifies the publisher against any claims stemming from publication of the work.

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2023 by Paul Garmisch

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted, downloaded, distributed, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, including photocopying and recording, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented without permission in writing from the publisher.

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ISBN: 979-8-8852-7413-5

eISBN: 979-8-8852-7527-9

NOTE FOR READERS: from the author’s locker-room.

This is a Story about life on Earth, but it doesn’t happen on Earth. And just so you know, the narrative and dialogue in this novel is at a PG-13 rating level so younglings can read it and have fun while they learn about what this story teaches, and so adults that get offended by F-words don’t cringe and get upset, and learn nothing.

I chose to write this novel as a Satire about human life on Earth because I believe that satire is one of the most powerful teaching tools, and because at this time in history our world is begging to be satirized. The story leans in a tongue-in-cheek Star Trek-like style because I like those outer space movies and shows. They are fun to watch and experience, and in many ways they are also seriously informative about life.

So, what is "PLANET – Lay of the Land " seriously informative about? Well, it’s about the cataclysmic future of human life on Earth that will be caused by a Major Error, and a few smaller errors that we humans have made while living here. These Errors that I see are not from an imagined wild hair premonition that I may have had – I am not a Clairvoyant or a Remote Viewer from the movie, The Men who Stare at Goats. My understanding of our Planet’s situation is based on a lifetime of hands-on study and participation in all types of environmental sciences, from dairy farming to astronomy, and a whisper from theology. But I may have also been abducted by a UFO, and those little gray guys could have put some of this stuff into my head.

When I finished writing the first draft of this novel in the year 2001, it was meant to forewarn the people of Earth about where the road we were traveling was heading, and through this story’s insight I hoped it would perhaps open enough eyes that would change our course of travel. But sadly, I believe that road will soon end at its destination. Fortunately, this story also has a map that can direct humanity to a New Road to travel, after the Outlasters of our upcoming bummer lick their wounds.

So by all means, enjoy your ride through this frequently humorous and wacky, starry-eyed action filled storybook journey!

And, have Happy Tails.

Paul Garmisch

Another NOTE for Readers

For simplicity all time used in this story is calculated using the same time units as Earth. A year is 365 days. A month is 30 days. A day is 24 hours, etc. Daily time uses Military Time to avoid confusion when reading a couple of overlapping battle scenes. Examples: 12:01 am is 0001-Hours. 8:00 am is 0800-Hours. 9:00 pm is 2100-Hours. 10:30 pm is 2230-Hours, etc. Also, all planets in this fictional solar system are on the same time. There are no time zones, or daylight savings time. And, everything Measurable uses the Metric System in this story because that’s what most people on Earth use, and that’s because the Metric System is way easier to use than the Imperial System of measurements.

CHAPTER ONE

In the beginning

You’re at home, all snuggled up into your warm cozy bed and drifting comfortably to sleep. Dream world is your next scheduled stop. A voice enters your mind. The voice is calm and peaceful, it has a slight drawl and sounds like it belongs to a regular kind of guy; a regular guy from say, Chicago or Brooklyn.

Hi. How ya doin’? Relax. Stay asleep. I wanna show ya this place. It’s a place where a bunch of humans live. Some of them are a lot like you, and ya should take a good look at their story. It’s a planet story.

Here’s the scoop. A planet is a celestial body that revolves around a star. The word planet comes from a Greek word meaning wanderer. So, I’m gonna show you a place where a bunch of heavenly bodies wander around a bright light. No, the story isn’t about a strip joint. It’s about life, and instincts.

Then the voice humdrums as if he already knows exactly what you’re thinking. I know, ya don’t want ta get preached to. If ya wanted ta get preached to, you’d go ta church, right? Tough, he says bluntly.

"Who am I, you ask? Can’t tell ya. There’s rules. Just think of me as your introductory guide. You need ta know this stuff so you can understand the Lay of the Land. So relax. Grab a bowl of dream world popcorn or take a leak or do whatever ya gotta do so you can pay attention, ‘cause I’m gonna give it to ya short and sweet."

Time for a ride. It’s a ride to this place I wanna show ya. It’s about 24,990 light years from Earth. I’ll drive. You watch the show. And don’t get all stressed out about cruisin’ in your birthday suit. I’ll take care of ya.

With a blink you ascend from Earth, hurl out of your solar system and travel toward the center of your Milky Way Galaxy. In less than a minute millions of stars whisk by. Some of the stars have systems of lifeless planets orbiting their glow, while other stars burn alone. Your course spears through nebulas and other interstellar clouds of colorful gas and dust. In front of you the hub of your Galaxy draws rapidly near. Starlight becomes intense. Your travel speed slows as you approach what appears to be an orphan planet looming by itself against a backdrop of brightly shining stars. The planet gets closer and closer and its size grows beyond imagination. You stop before it.

We’re here, says your guide. "The place is inside. What you’re lookin’ at is the outside of an asteroid sphere. It’s like a bubble; a bubble that’s similar to the thin ice Oort Cloud that’s around Earth’s solar system. But this bubble isn’t ice. It’s made out of quadrillions of individual asteroids. And unlike the Oort Cloud, the asteroid sphere is stabilized by a magnetic field. It’s kind-a like the magnetic field Earth has, except the magnetic field lines for this thing don’t go through the center of a molten metallic core, like on Earth. That’s because this thing is hollow. With the asteroid sphere, the flow of the magnetic field lines follows the outside and inside of the sphere’s bubble-like walls, and the field lines are powerful enough to move the asteroids. And the asteroid sphere’s magnetic field is flip-flopped to that of Earth’s. So, asteroids on the outside of the sphere’s wall travel with the field lines to the Positive Pole, where they get pulled and sucked into the Positive Pole, and then they travel with the field lines on the inside of the sphere’s wall to the Negative Pole, where they get pulled and sucked back out. The sphere’s wall is thick too; over 12,000-kilometers-thick. And the asteroids are tightly packed. So tight, nothin’ can get through the wall. We’re goin’ in."

With a blink, you’re inside the asteroid sphere hovering next to its rocky inner wall and a breathtaking sight greets you. A vast spectacular solar system is encased inside the asteroid sphere. The solar system has 2 suns and 112 planets that are in various stages of maturity. Colors of the planets fill the spectrum. Some still glow from their cooling cores of energy and many have rings that add to the visual display. Fields of asteroids belt 5 interior orbits. Large Crystalline Structures drift through open space, sparkling light from their faceted faces. Moon-sized schools of bronze colored Jellyfish-like entities drift about waving 1,200-kilometer-long twinkling tentacles that look like ribbons of thin metallic tinsel. Cosmic rays dance around the system, moving brilliant colors through particulates and gases. An eerie glow reflects off the inner wall of the asteroid sphere, but the glow comes solely from internal sources because the rocky bubble blocks all starlight coming from the galaxy outside.

The voice returns, Cool place, huh? The planets here are in perfect symmetrical orbits. It’s kind-a like the planets are attached to spokes of a wheel, and the spokes are connected to the asteroid sphere, with the twin suns acting as a rotating hub. The solar system and the asteroid sphere spin counter-clockwise as one unit. Thirty-six of these planets have living biospheres, and some of ‘em have creatures like you; Humans – 5 different types. Come on, I wanna show ya a few of them.

You fly quickly along the inner wall of the asteroid sphere and toward a huge concentration of massive, colorful, sparkling crystals. As you approach the spectacle your guide explains, "Dead ahead is the Yuppix Crystalline Structure Complex. This is the largest crystal field in the solar system. The reason it’s here is because the field sits directly below the positive pole of the asteroid sphere. There’s lots of food for crystal growth here. The food comes shooting out from the sphere’s positive pole and the crystals gobble some of it up."

You enter the field. The crystalline structures vary in size. Most of them are big – very big – some spanning thousands-of-kilometers. Their outer edges are irregular, and they all have an open snowflake and hoar frost-like form that are made out of a mosaic of glassy crystals that are water clear or of transparent primary colors.

I’ve gotta tell ya about crystalline structures, says your guide. "These things grow by absorbing elements from space, and they’re not fussy about where they get the elements. They’ll eat whole asteroids or even spacecraft. Anything with elements that can crystallize is fair game. They absorb, take what they want and spit the rest away, like a metabolic organism. But these things are pure crystal! Crystalline structures catch stuff ta eat by releasing entrapment growth when a meal touches or smashes through their snowflake structure. The entrapment growth can grow fast too. Fast enough ta snatch an asteroid that’s wingin’ through ‘em at 30,000-kilometers per hour or so."

There’s Yuppix, says your guide as you enter a spherical void surrounded by the field of crystalline structures. A huge planet is in the center of the crystal-ball-like void; planet Yuppix. The planet is rotating on a horizontal axis, with the planet’s north pole facing the direction of its rotation with the solar system and asteroid sphere. Twelve moons are above the planet’s equator, at an equal distance above the planet’s surface, and the moons are equally spaced around the circumference of the planet, as if the planet were a hub of a wheel with the 12 moons attached to its spokes. The planet has a vertically thick, dirty brown atmosphere that appears polluted from hundreds of smoking volcanos that polka-dot the globe. Blotchy gray ice caps blanket both poles. There is only one continent and it wraps around the globe, but only at one location where there is a narrow strip of land. Half of the continent’s land is uplifted into dark jagged mountains, with the other half being tan flatlands with black and purple braided flood plains. There are also a multitude of islands in the planet’s one ocean. The ocean nearly wraps the globe, but it only covers a little more than 35% of the planet’s surface, and it fills a network of undulating narrow to wide trenches that look like cracks in dry clay.

Your guide says as a matter-of-fact, "It’s a miracle Yuppix is a living planet. The twin suns are so far away they can only provide Yuppix with twilight, but Yuppix has no night. Light continually bombards the planet from all directions; light that’s reflected off the crystalline structures. They work like mirrors, and on top of that the larger crystals actually absorb light energy and then emit colorful light beams from their facet points. Billions of these light beams hit Yuppix. You’ll see them when we get down there."

You’re suddenly startled when 5 black stingray-shaped objects streak past your location. "Strokes, your guide drawls with disdain as you watch the 60-meter-long objects fly toward a Yuppix moon, and then you realize that the objects are spacecraft. Your guide explains, Those are Machos, Stroke fighter craft. The Strokes are humans, but their brains have been dwelling in the gutter. Spoon fed to ya, Strokes are the bad guys. Their name says it all. They are Strokes; people that are totally self-serving for their own approval and gain, making their fortune from the lives and sweat of others. The Strokes got an empire; an empire that wants to conquer the entire solar system. Equality means nothing to the Strokes, not even amongst themselves. As far as Strokes are concerned most humans should be exterminated because they consume Stroke resources, unless, of course, the targeted people can be exploited in a more useful way – like for slavery."

Your guide continues, "That’s what happened here. The Imeons (pronounced; I-me-ons) live on Yuppix. The Strokes spared the Imeon civilization from genocide for 2 reasons. First, the Imeons were physically and mentally the best humans for the manufacturing work the Strokes needed done. And second, the Imeons agreed to do it."

"In the beginning it was easy for the Strokes to turn the Imeons into slaves. All the Strokes had to do was teach the Imeons how to be material capitalists that believed in and pursued Economic Capitalism. I have nothing against capitalism as long as it is Pure-for-Life. That’s called Eco-Niche Capitalism, specifically, Ecological Niche Capitalism, and it’s the best way to create things and get things done while maintaining a healthy living planet environment and humanity. You can capitalize on anything, but the style of capitalism that the Strokes gave to the Imeons had a growth-based economy with a Leash-on-Life that was regulated by an alleged free enterprise government. Bottom line: the Strokes wanted the Imeons to maintain their self-esteem so they would have a society that felt as if they were really not slaves."

"You see, a Slave Driver’s dream is to have a group of disposable people that can learn quick, work hard, be happy and not bite the hand that feeds them crumbs of prodigal reward. Happy free slaves are the best producers, particularly if they maintain false expectations while struggling for the crumbs. The Imeons went through this educational process at the University of Stroke Assimilation – Clandestine Economics Department. After the Imeons got the third degree from the ‘U’, the Strokes and the Imeons became best buddies; best buddies like a rich old man havin’ sport sex with a hungry teenager."

"Here’s how the deal went down at the ‘U’. It started about 5,000-years ago, at the beginning of the Stroke’s campaign to conquer all of Their solar system. The Imeons were an immature, low-tech civilization that viewed the Strokes as Gods from the start because the Strokes had all kinds of fancy high-tech toys and stuff. Toys like spacecraft that could drop in at any time for a little visit. All the Strokes needed ta do was to appear kind and friendly, and seem willing to teach the poor underdeveloped Imeons how to someday walk with them in those big, fancy high-tech shoes. In order to begin teaching the Imeons at the Stroke ‘U’, a little bait was required. So, the Strokes let a few toys trickle down as incentives, so the Imeons would work at learning what the Strokes wanted the Imeons to learn."

"For starters, the good-hearted Strokes gave the poor Imeons an economic system, with jobs for money, so the Imeons could earn some coin and buy some of the neat high-tech Stroke stuff. By having money, the Imeons could have a better life with a bean in every pot; be like the cool Stroke dudes that are truly civilized. The Strokes taught the Imeons that it was only fair that they worked for their economic advancement. That is the Stroke way. That’s how you learn how to appreciate the rewards of a solid work ethic and reap the fruits of labor so you can show the children how it’s done, so they too can grow up to be somebody successful."

"The Strokes knew that free slaves would need to feel secure to achieve maximum productivity. So, they gave the Imeons an illusion to hold onto; the illusion that having a strong growing economy would give them true security, by giving them the opportunity to make more and more money."

This philosophy seemed logical and wise to the Imeons. After all, how else could they buy all of the cool, fun stuff that the Strokes say is needed for life, and food and daycare for the children, if there’s not a dependable constant flow of money that’s continually increasing in amount so they could buy more and more cool stuff, and advance? The Imeons agreed. Their lives required the security of a solid economic foundation, and growth, and a guarantee that the growth would continue so they could buy more neat cool stuff from the Strokes.

"For that guarantee, the good-hearted Stroke ‘U’ taught The Cream of the Imeon civilization how to be Masters of Business Administration; masters who would become Imeon Leaders that would set up a Free Enterprise Government for their peoples’ security. The MBA program at the Stroke ‘U’ taught the importance of a healthy government aristocracy, and how competition for those powerful government jobs allowed the cream of a civilization to rise into those important positions. The Stroke ‘U’ taught the Imeons that it was only logical and wise that the Best and the Smartest Imeons, which were of course the Wealthiest Imeons, should monitor the complicated government controlled growing economic foundation that guarantees the security, so as the working free slave population advances, some poor fools don’t get swept under the rug and miss their shot at a piece of the pie. Or worse, miss work and downgrade production for the good-hearted Strokes."

"Yep, the Strokes knew how to manage free slaves. They let the neat stuff trickle down so the Imeon commoners wanted ta work. Then they found Imeon Leaders to control the trickle. Leaders with the right stuff. The greedy cream of the Imeon crop, and the Strokes paid them well for doin’ the dirty work; the dirty work of running the show the way the Stroke Empire wanted ta see it run. If an Imeon Leader disagreed with a Stroke program, the leader was simply fed to a crystalline structure. The Strokes knew that in a growing situation, there are always more hungry people willing to rise into empty leadership positions, to get creamed."

"That’s how it went down in the beginning. Yuppix developed into a modern civilized world, and the good times lasted for over 2,500-years. But then, moans your guide, the Strokes needed more stuff. More Tools-of-War that were manufactured by the Imeons. So, the Strokes built more factories on Yuppix and then they implemented the Puberal Stimulation Project; a program designed to make the Imeon population grow so the new factories would have enough slaves. Unfortunately, that project had grim results. --It’s time for you and me ta go to Yuppix, so you can understand why it turned grim."

With a blink, you’re on the planet in the midst of a dusty flat desert with no vegetation. The air is thick with haze and smoky clouds of lingering toxic smog. Millions of colorful crystalline structure light beams crisscross in all directions, making the atmosphere around you look like a webbed net of color streaks. In the distance, hundreds of large yellow columns glow and sway like gigantic ropes of light dangling in the hazy color-streaked sky. Inside the columns, bubbling vertical motion rises and swirls, making the columns appear as if they’re filled with beer.

With a gloomy tone your guide explains, "In the beginning this was a beautiful planet filled with the miracle of life. Rain forests and lush prairies covered the land, and wonderful living creatures were everywhere. Then your guide spouts, But now the place is trashed! The Imeons’ economic conniving against the Strokes killed everything... The dry soil beneath your feet suddenly churns and heaves and a neon lime green shaft with purple rings bursts from the ground. ...except for that! your guide exclaims with delight. That’s a Lifepin. Only Yuppix has Lifepins. Lifepins are the last natural organisms surviving in this trashed biosphere. Watch it grow."

In less than 30-seconds the Lifepin erupts to its full height of 2-meters. The Lifepin looks like an upside-down head of broccoli, the florets being a partially exposed root system, with its stem shooting skyward like an asparagus spear that’s 12-centimeters in diameter. The organism quivers and throbs, and then a sapphire blue, orchid-shaped flower unfolds at the top of the stem.

Your guide explains, That’s it – it’s grown. In a few days Lifepins go limp, fall flat, die and decompose. Imeons eat Lifepins. – They must! Lifepins give Imeons everything they need to fight infections, disease, viruses, cancers, and the like. Lifepins are a healer; like a miracle cure and immune system provider for Imeons. Without Lifepins, all of the Imeons would die.

"Lifepin supply has always regulated Imeon global population size; the supply growing wild on the planet, and the Imeons’ ability to harvest the supply. This didn’t bother the Strokes during the first 2,500-years of Imeon slavery. During that time the good-hearted Strokes gave the Imeons freedom to harvest an adequate supply of Lifepins. The Strokes had enough slaves then, and the Strokes don’t need Lifepins for themselves. Strokes already have a physical and mental all-encompassing immunity network."

But with the rise of the Puberal Stimulation Project Lifepins became a valuable resource for the Stroke Empire. More Lifepins meant more slaves, and if the slaves didn’t need time to harvest Lifepins, they could spend more time working in the war tool factories. So, the Strokes got into the Lifepin business.

About a kilometer away a speeding object kicks up a trailing plume of dust as it streaks across the flat desert! Bright white lights suddenly flicker from the object and it turns and zips toward your location! In seconds the object arrives and screeches to a stop in a boiling cloud of dust! The dust clears, and you see a chrome ground vehicle 3-meters-wide, by 7-meters-long and 2-meters in height, with 4 clear wheels and a flat beetle-shaped body. The vehicle parked next to the Lifepin.

That’s a Stroke robot, says your guide as the 4-wheeled robot extends a rubbery overpowered vacuum tube that inhales the Lifepin. "The Strokes had the Imeons manufacture millions of these things in 2 shapes and sizes. They do the harvesting for the Strokes’ Lifepin business. They’re called Planet Resource Identifier Collectors, or PRICs for short. This is a big PRIC. The smaller PRICs are walkers and they collect Lifepins in the mountains," says your guide as the PRIC in front of you shoots off in a cloud of dust!

"Yep, the robots did a pretty good job when they started. And it was no surprise to the Strokes that big PRICs were the most successful. The total Lifepin harvest was up, but not up enough to put the Puberal Stimulation Project into high gear. So, the Strokes showed an interest in solving the mysteries of the Lifepin."

"You see, throughout history the Imeons have tried to grow Lifepins on farms, but domestic propagation always failed. The Imeons couldn’t figure out the thing’s reproductive requirements. So, the Strokes sent in their best scientists to solve the Lifepin problem; their hotshot Ecologic Plastic Surgeons; the type of guys armed with advanced chemical herbicides and pesticides; the guys who wrote the Stroke Bible on biogenetic engineering and could unwind any DNA molecule to its last link for making hybrids or clones; the kind of guys that could give halfwit farmers healthy green thumbs."

"Well, the Stroke hotshot scientist guys failed too. Here’s the lowdown. The Stroke scientists couldn’t figure out how Lifepins reproduced. They also couldn’t clone a Lifepin. It appeared to the Stroke hotshots that Lifepin DNA could change itself for adaptation so it could grow in any terrestrial habitat, except the planet’s frozen poles and Stroke Cloning Laboratories. The DNA changes were missing links that were inside the Lifepin’s DNA that were filled at the moment the spark-of-life was triggered, but then the filled DNA links were quickly taken out after germination. On top of that, the scientists couldn’t figure out exactly what triggered Lifepin germination, and exactly what chemical was inside Lifepins that allowed Imeons to live! It was like the Lifepin had a mind of its own and a conscious ability to hide its magic secrets from discovery by somehow cloaking its DNA with a clever riddle."

Strokes hate riddles. Particularly riddles they don’t make up themselves. And they especially hated the Lifepin riddle because it put the squeeze on their Puberal Stimulation Project, an unacceptable constraint. So, the Strokes created solutions to get their Puberal Stimulation Project humping.

"Here’s the deal. The Strokes controlled Lifepin harvesting with their PRICs, but Lifepin supply was naturally fixed, so the Strokes fixed the supply. They knew that younger Imeons needed fewer Lifepins, plus the young could work harder than the old. Less was more. So the Strokes gave Lifepins to the young, and placebos to the old."

"Then Stroke chemists went to the lab and mixed up some Lifepin additives, called Mickeys. The Lifepin Mickeys were aphrodisiacs that turned Yuppix into a breeding barn that was intended to quickly replace the old Imeons that kicked-the-placebo-bucket, and to make a larger, younger Imeon population. After just one month the young Imeons became so Hot-Pants pornographically fixed any one of ‘em could seduce mortar from a brick wall. And after eight more months the young Imeon population began to grow. But it grew too slow for the Strokes’ scheduled ambitions."

So then, the Strokes started giving Imeon women cash bonuses for having babies to accelerate slave procreation. Reproduction became the Hot new career for Imeon women, and they started taking fertility drugs because birthing anything less than triplets was an economic waste of time. Females became the most important sex, and Imeon women rose to Cream Leader Positions. Men worked in the factories.

After that it didn’t take very long for the Strokes to get the extra war tool production they wanted from the Imeons. The slave breeding program was successfully accomplished. So, the Strokes took Mickeys out of Lifepins to slow down Imeon population growth.

"But that didn’t do it. Imeon brains had been chemically trained. The Mickeyed Hot-Pants lifestyle was normal existence. The Imeons went from the rat race ta get more stuff, to a bunch of horny rats packed in a cage that continued to breed; breeding that female Imeons hotly pursued for economic reasons! And because of this, the inevitable happened. The planet’s PRIC harvested Lifepin supply got short, because the Strokes’ Mickey woven Hot-Pants removal plan didn’t fall short, and the Imeon population overpopulated!"

"So, the Strokes implemented their plan ‘B’ and they quit giving baby bonuses to Imeon women to slow down slave procreation. But that plan Really Ticked Off the female Imeon Leaders, and it gave them the incentive to backstab the Strokes so they could recoup their lost baby bonuses. And the ramifications from that backstabbing is why Yuppix got environmentally trashed."

Here’s the straight poop, your guide says firmly. "The Imeons’ human overpopulation of their planet sowed new seeds of greed that mirrored the desperation of passengers on a sinking ship with lifeboats available only for those who could afford them. Money meant life, and the female Imeon Leaders were going to make sure that they had the most money."

"Here’s how the crap went down. The female Imeon Leaders recouped their lost baby bonuses by skimming cash from the Strokes’ Toxic Waste Program; toxic waste that came from the war tool factories. The Strokes’ Toxic Waste Program wasn’t that bad because the waste was concentrated, shipped off of Yuppix, and then fed to crystalline structures. The Strokes took care of the shipping. The female Imeon Leaders took care of waste concentration by using high-tech Stroke equipment that cost the female Imeon Leaders a bundle of cash to operate; a bundle the female Imeon Leaders sunk their long, painted fingernails into."

"The Strokes always knew how much concentrate needed to be shipped off of Yuppix. The female Imeon leaders simply skimmed cash by making the stuff a little less concentrated. The excess toxic waste? Simple; The solution to pollution was dilution. The female Imeon Leaders just sprinkled the stuff anywhere and everywhere around their planet. Gone!"

With disgust your guide explains, "It worked for a while. The female Imeon Leaders lined their pockets with cash. But then Impotizer Redox Zones started popping up. You saw them. They’re those yellow, glowing, swinging rope-like columns that look like bubbling beer. Impotizer molecules are a toxic waste, worst in the galaxy. And they’re impossible to clean up after they’ve been dumped in an oxygen rich biosphere."

"Impotizer molecules consume oxygen. Free atmospheric oxygen (O2), and they can easily strip the oxygen from water (H2O) and water vapor, and they can strip oxygen from carbon monoxide (CO), carbon dioxide (CO2), carbon suboxide (C3O2), calcium carbonate (CaCO3), or any other molecule with oxygen. Then, with all of the free hydrogen and carbon atoms floating around and trapped inside of the Impotizer Redox columns, volatile hydrocarbons develop; like methane (CH4), ethane (C2H6), heptane (C7H16), and others, which stay inside of the Redox columns ready and waiting to get touched off and explode into firestorms."

Impotizer molecules will keep consuming oxygen until they are filled up with oxygen. Then their blue bubbles drift off into space from the top of their yellow Redox Zone column. If there are enough Impotizer molecules on a planet’s surface, they will gobble up all of the oxygen and leave the planet with no oxygen. Just Redox columns that are ready to explode from lightning strike, a lit flicked cigarette butt, a hot fart, or whatever.

And that, is what has happened here on Yuppix.

The Strokes drooped when they figured it out. Their dream of having billions of young Imeon slaves happily toiling for the Stroke Empire was gone. Soon the Yuppix biosphere would become uninhabitable for humans. Impotizer pollution had flattened the ultimate outcome from their Puberal Stimulation Project.

But the Strokes didn’t throw in the towel. They discovered that Lifepins would still thrive in an oxygen free environment! So, they went back to the drawing board to salvage their slave program. The Strokes figured they had 5 to 6-years before the Yuppix biosphere went ta Hell -- 5 to 6-years to get the slaves moved permanently indoors.

"Strokes love deadlines, deadlines that will improve their Empire’s Theater. Drawing boards cranked out the new game plan, and then enter both Left and Right Wings of the Stage; The Strokes’ City and Outpost Dome Program, featuring 12 of the most colossal structures that have ever been designed and built by humans!"

The Strokes shipped armies of robots to Yuppix for Dome construction. The advanced high-tech robotics completed the Domes on schedule, but the Strokes deadline was dead wrong. More than half of the Imeons died before all of the Domes got built. So now the Strokes had no choice but to put robots to work in their Imeon slave program. War tool production had to be maintained.

Strokes prefer living slaves over robots because the living are cheaper to support and easily replaced. Factory robots were an expense the Strokes refused to swallow. The female Imeon Leaders created the need for the robots, so for a punishment, the Strokes stuffed the robots’ financial cost down the female Imeon leaders’ throats.

Your guide drawls sullenly, "I gotta tell ya, that stuffin’ didn’t go down the hatch the way the Strokes planned. It was the ultimate screw job that pushed the female Imeon Leaders into Round 2 of capitalization mischief; mischief that will open the gates to Hell."

"Here’s the nuts and bolts. The Imeons have started their own slave program. A program designed to eliminate the robots without the Strokes knowing about it."

"Here’s how. The Imeons are creating slaves in their laboratories. New living creatures made from combined and altered DNA. Creatures that can do the work and hide from the Strokes. The Imeons call them Robotics Replacement Contrivances; a.k.a. Biotoaps."

"Imeon scientists became masters at biogenetic engineering because the Stroke cloning clowns and Mickey makers taught the Imeons how to do it, so the Imeons could use it in their food farms. But the Strokes neglected to teach the Imeon scientists to respect and follow natures balance; the balance that lives With and For the Lay of the Land; the Common Laws of their solar system that governs and allows life, that sometimes even the Strokes adhere to – sort of."

"Screwing around with DNA is now an Imeon passion. Imeon scientists can mix and match and synthesize and clone any DNA they can get their hands on – except Lifepins. Biotoap DNA comes from animals, plants, insects, and microorganisms that have proved through the test of time that they are tough, adaptable, and prolific. And, at this time, the Imeons are ready to release their first Biotoap life-form, and there’s thousands of them. They’re called Surkniks. (pronounced; Surk-niks) Surkniks are Lifepin hunters, designed to ease the PRICs poke in the pocketbook. More Biotoap types are planned for the future."

Well, that’s it for your Yuppix tour – for now, says your guide. Then with a humored tone he drawls, Time to show ya the good guys; the guys at War against the Strokes because of their solar system conquest desires.

With a blink, you’re back in space, hovering above planet Yuppix and next to an asteroid that’s about the size and shape of a 1940 Buick Roadmaster automobile from Earth. You see a squadron of Stroke Machos headed your way. The Machos fire red lasers at the asteroid, and the Buick blows to bits!

Your guide explains as the Machos turn and fly away. "That wasn’t an asteroid, or a Buick. It was a Professor, a camouflaged Quantum communication satellite. The Quantums are the good guys. They’ve been sending Professor satellites to Yuppix for about 3,000-years, trying ta tell the Imeons the Quantum side of the war story. The Quantums have never met the Imeons. Stroke defenses around Yuppix make physical contact impossible, and Yuppix is shielded with radio scramblers. The Quantums use Professors to get inside the scrambled transmission envelope so they can lecture to the Imeons. But the Profs haven’t done much. Imeons laugh off the Quantum spiel as propaganda from the enemy, and after the Strokes figure out what the little asteroids are, they blast ‘em, like that one," says your guide as the Professor’s debris cloud expands in weightless space.

Your guide says with delight, "Come on, let’s go to planet Asu." (Pronounced; As You)

With a blink, you hurl out of the Yuppix Crystalline Structure Complex and whisk past the solar system’s twin suns. A bright forest green and sparkling blue planet comes rapidly into view. The planet is beautiful. It’s twice the size of Earth; half of it is covered with green land masses, and the other half glistening clean ocean. You stop close to one of its 7 moons. Quantum spacecraft fill the scene with activity, like bees swarming their hive.

Your guide says merrily, "Welcome to Asu, the Quantums’ home planet! Let me tell ya, these Quantums are real cowboys; Good cowboys, but they took their lumps learnin’ how ta Pull-the-Right-Ropes."

"Here’s the lowdown. In the beginning, and like most human civilizations do, the Quantums let their population grow too big; beyond the boundaries of their planet’s natural carrying capacity. In cowboy lingo, they had too many critters chewin’ on the range. The Quantum solution at that time? More feed. Simple, right? – Wrong. It’s wrong because there is not only an ultimate limit to how much feed can be grown on a limited chewin’ range, but there is also a fluctuating limit to the ultimate limit."

Here’s the deal, your guide says firmly. "Global human overpopulation was a Test for the Quantums; a Test that taught them that life on a living planet is synergistic; that life depends on an assemblage and combination of things that form a unitary whole, with a biodiversity that has a total effect that’s greater than simply summing up the individual parts. And life must continuously follow and adapt to the laws of nature’s naturally changing balance. Spoon fed to ya, don’t store raw beef in a hot chuck wagon unless ya want to eat maggots for dinner. It’s different when it’s cold outside."

"A somewhat exaggerated example for how a living planet lives is: For the past 180-years or so your entire planet has been a hot, humid, mosquito infested tropical jungle. Forty-years later over half of your planet is a freezing cold glacier and your ocean sea level drops 130-meters. Then after 250-years your planet’s glacier mostly melts, ocean sea level rises 90-meters and for the next 320-years your planet has a beautiful Mediterranean Climate. Suddenly hundreds of large volcanos start exploding and massive 17.9 magnitude Earthquakes are everywhere! In just a few months, not in millions of years, jagged mountain ranges thrust thousands-of-meters into the sky! – After a while, your planet calms down for long, long time; your living planet’s fluctuating activity has simmered down into a humdrum balance, and you think that it’s finally all over. --Then Wham!! Your planet’s magnetic field flip-flops and extreme solar radiation from your sun shoots in and kills 50% of everything!! – And the drumbeat of global changes goes on and on through time."

"The natural balance of a living planet follows this routine. It is Never Constant! Your planet is simply breathing and coughing – Because it’s Alive! And you can Never Tame it. This means that humans gotta go with the flow of their Living Planet. So, ya need a planet human population limit that can flow with the ever-changing environmental balance of your planet. Simple, right? – Yes!"

"It is very important for humans to learn How to live With and For their living planet; learn about their planet’s Lay of the Land. I call this the Step One Final Exam for humans. The Step Two Final Exam for humans is learning how, and then being physically capable to defend your living home planet from stuff coming at you from inside your solar system that can kill your living planet: like asteroids, comets, solar flares, and such. There is also a Step Three Final Exam, and that pertains to things coming at you and your home planet from your Galaxy. You’ll learn some details about The Step Three Final Exam, when it’s time."

Here’s what taught the Quantums how to pass the Step One Final Exam. Exactly 2,392-years ago terrestrial ecosystems on Asu were almost completely destroyed by a biological domino effect.

"Here’s why. Quantum agriculture botched the balance. They left their barn door wide open for Instinct Infused Realist Opportunists to do their Covert Work. It was the kind of work that made it appear to naturally stop the Quantums’ exponential global human population growth. Work where nature would teach the Quantums about their planet’s natural human carrying capacity. Work that would prove that no matter what you try to do, 50 Goldfish won’t survive for very long in a 4 Goldfish bowl; they end their overpopulation problem, by eating each other!"

"Here’s how Quantum agriculture left their barn door open. They used Botanical Biogenetic Engineering without knowing the potential combined Entomological and Mycological ramifications." (Bug-ology & Fungus-ology)

"The Quantums took pride in being environmentalists, good stewards of their home planet’s ecosystems. Quantums were good organic farmers; no laboratory created pesticides, herbicides, or nonorganic fertilizers. Just plant hybrids. The Quantums used hybrids of plants to produce more food for their growing population, hybrids they carefully made themselves. The Quantums believed they were doing it right. For over a thousand-years, the flourishing Quantum agricultural programs ran smooth-as-silk. The Quantums were confident they were being good planet stewards while feeding the ever-increasing numbers of people living on their planet. They were contented, with no concerns."

"Here’s the deal’s shuffle and cut. It started with a bug; a bunch of the same kind-a bugs; little green aphids. Aphids are common bugs, smaller than pinheads, that passively make their living by sucking juice from plants. Then, out of the blue, a New Aphid had somehow evolved. The new aphids sucked juice from a hybrid form of oats that grew like grassy weeds. The Quantums had the hybrid oats planted all over Asu. The new aphids loved to feed on the hybrid oats, and they proliferated."

Your guide says, like one of your 4th Grade school teachers would, Now pay close attention to this, because the rest of the Bug Tale gets a little complicated.

"The Hybrid Oats changed a teensy-weensy little segment in the balance of carbon on planet Asu’s biogenetic organic chemistry. The original oats were crossed with a large swamp grass to form the hybrid; made for lots of big oats! The swamp grass had more carbon in its molecular structure. The hybrid oats took most of the carbon from the swamp grass to increase its size, and put the excess carbon into its juices as free carbon atoms."

"The new aphids sucked up the hybrid oat juices with the extra free carbon atoms. The new aphids’ digestive system breezed the extra carbon under their DNA’s nose, and it created a new molecular DNA template, and that transcribed into a new RNA message carrier for a new amino acid that synthesizes proteins. The new aphid’s metabolism used the new amino acid in their DNA protein synthesis, and it created a new powerful protein that the aphids incorporated into their body tissue."

"Ladybugs, a predatory insect, ate the new aphids with the new body tissue containing the new powerful protein molecules. The Ladybugs digested the new powerful protein and turned it into a new powerful growth factor organic hormone compound, releasing some of the new hormone compound in their excrement, a.k.a. Ladybug Poop."

"The Ladybug Poop found its way to the organic soil horizon, some of it landing on a fungus called Komplacency, which is a small cryptogamic plant that derives its nourishment solely from organic compounds. The fungus was unique to planet Asu, grew nearly everywhere on the globe, and by chance, found the organic compound jackpot! When the Komplacency fungus absorbed the new powerful growth factor organic hormone compound that was laced inside of the Ladybug’s poop, the new growth factor hormone caused morphology and reproductive mutation in the fungus."

"It started slowly at first. Komplacency outbreak locations followed the Ladybugs. Fields of oats were suffocated. Then any farm crop, grassland, and even forests were being overwhelmed! In less than a year, the rapid spread of Komplacency sent a mass of morbid fungal tissue around the planet! The mutation allowed the fungus to feed on any plant or animal, living or dead! It didn’t matter. Water based ecosystems were the only sanctuaries. Yellow clouds of fungus spores filled planet Asu’s sky as the fungus moved at will across the landscapes! Behind the explosive growth was a rotting quagmire of black, oozing Komplacency! The flies loved it."

"Quantum ingenuity, technology, military, governments, and prayers could not stop the Siege of Komplacency. After 6-years of battling the fungus, it finally consumed itself. Komplacency is now extinct on planet Asu."

Before the Komplacency crisis started there were over 10-billion Quantums on Asu. The survivors numbered just 912-million. All that was left of their world was a tropical island continent that was sitting in the middle of the largest part of Asu’s ocean. During the Siege of Komplacency the island continent was spared from the Siege, and the Quantums used it as an ark for the planet’s biologic gene pool.

"It took the Quantums nearly 300 years to rebuild Asu’s terrestrial ecosystems. During that time the Quantums threw themselves an ass-kickin’ party for leaving the door open to Komplacency. Then they found, The Focus, and they put together the good cowboy, home on the range lifestyle that they live by now."

"Here’s how they did it. You’re not gonna believe this, but it’s true. Zero human population growth. That’s what the Quantums capitalized on because their global overpopulation stressed-out the natural ecologic balance of their planet, and that caused the Siege of Komplacency. They set a human population limit of 2-billion for their planet, so they would stay in their niche and not go beyond their planet’s naturally fluctuating carrying capacity. Now, if at any time their living planet breaths hard or coughs at some location, the Quantums simply move to safer planet location. They have plenty of room to roam, and empty living accommodations everywhere on their globe. --- Got it?"

And get a load of this. After their 2-billion zero human population growth limit was set up and stabilized, the Quantums found out that they no longer needed an economic system! They didn’t need an economic system because everybody had everything material they could possibly want or need, because the Quantums grow, produce, and make what they want and need on their own for themselves, with help from robotics. And at times, they do a little bartering. They are totally self-sufficient. As a result, the Quantum world has no overuse, no pollution, no waste, or social stress.

"So you see, the Quantums don’t give a rat’s ass about money anymore. They don’t need it, want it, or use it. And because they didn’t need, want, or use money, they realized they didn’t have a purpose for politics or governments anymore either! Now, their planet operates like one, virtually utopian unit! The Quantums have total freedom and security, and it’s the only True freedom and security you can get! --- Got it?"

"You might ask; what do Quantums do on a virtually utopian planet? Well, since the time their planet became virtually utopian, Quantums just care about doing the most important kind of work, which is – Brain Work! And working on the brain work started because of Sex. That’s right, sex. Having sex. Lots of Sex! Because humans like ta have sex, and that’s that."

Your guide explains with a happy tone, "Quantums love babies and raising children, but if ya go for zero global human population growth, and you want to have a lot of sex, you’ve gotta have more than a tight pair of jeans or a pocket full of rubbers to keep The Stork from showin’ up at your front door! Oh sure, they developed birth control drugs and other gadgets, but they realized that some of those methods could harm their bodies, and/or they were a pain-in-the-ass to use during the heat-of-the-night, plus they were not 100% effective."

"So, about 80 years after the Siege of Komplacency, they developed a birth control option that was 100% effective by surgically blocking their reproductive plumbing. And of course, they had the surgery done after they had a cache of their eggs and sperm cells stored in a bank for future reproduction."

"But that was too emotionless for Quantums, because having love for a child, starts by making love. They wanted to make babies the old fashion way; not by using old, frozen sperm and eggs that copulate inside test tubes."

"As the years passed while they rebuilt their planet, they learned how to reverse surgical birth control, and some Quantums did choose that birth control method. But over time, and with all of the Brain Work they were doing during that time, they discovered a New Method of birth control that was totally natural, and 100% effective."

"Here’s how. The Quantums have Learned how to use the Power of their Whole Brain! All of it!! And with all of that brain power Quantums have mastered the skill of total body control! That’s right, body control. Quantums call it Elucidation, and with it they can do all kinds of things, like self-healing, and birth control."

"Here’s how self-healing works. First, you learn everything about the human body – which is a level of knowledge that the Top Rung doctors on Earth haven’t even come close to yet. Then, through focused meditation, the entire body is visualized and searched for problems. If a problem is found, the correct body healing function is activated by will. Pretty cool, huh? If a virus or pain attacks them, Quantums counterattack with body chemistry. Cancer cells, viruses, or any diseases are stopped before they grow or infect. Even the Quantums’ aging process no longer exists. New body cells are grown to replace those that die. Because of this ability, most adult Quantums have the physiological condition and physical appearance as if they were just 25 to 45-years old, even though their average age is 800, with the oldest Quantums topping 2,000 years!"

"The sex and birth control? Here’s the ins and outs. The Quantums use elucidation to keep procreation checked. Females control their ovulation, and males don’t grow tails on their sperm cells. Intercourse pounds on, but eggs remain boxed and sperm docked until there’s a global population deficit. Then, some lucky married couple on layaway gets a creation permit; a permit the Quantums have nicknamed a Tail Card because the card allows Mister Lucky ta grow tails on his sperm, and of course, get lucky on a laid egg."

"There’s more. Hair can be grown or not grown at will. Quantums like big hair, at least to shoulder length, but they never need a haircut or a shave unless they want shorter hair. Hair can even be grown for fun and fast too, for say, a costume party, like meter-long braided armpit hair, or a mustache so long you could trip over it. They can do the same thing with their finger and toenails too. And teeth; when they’re needed, in just a couple weeks they can grow a whole new set of teeth, or even a single tooth if one gets knocked out."

And working out? Forget the health club. Don’t need it – Elucidation. Quantums maintain muscle tone and cardiovascular fitness by doing isometric exercise in their sleep. They can even do body sculpting. Give themselves a nose job. Fill a bra-full of double Ds – whatever.

Get the picture? These guys got it figured out! Total body control! It’s a power of the human brain. The only thing Quantums can’t do on their own is replace body parts. Like, if ya got your ass shot off, they can’t grow a new ass with elucidation. Quantums gotta go to a doctor for a new ass.

"Quantum doctors are called Synthesizers because they replace body parts with cloned parts. Any body part can be perfectly cloned for replacement, even a whole body – except the brain. Oh sure, Quantums can clone brains, but you can’t clone a person’s memory. Cloned brains are spirit instinct infused, but past life memory blank, like newborn babies. What Quantums do now, if their body gets destroyed, is get a new cloned body and then they have their old sack of marbles Brain Transplanted into their new carcasses. But if their old body gets destroyed and their brain waves stop, or their brain gets blown to bits, they’re confirmed dead."

"Here’s an inside tip. Cloning a human body and loading it with a person’s past memories requires harvesting a few of their Brain Memory Stem Cells. After the Brain Stem Cells are harvested, they are immediately used, or they can be cryogenically stored for future use. Soon, the oldest Quantum Synthesizer will figure all of this out." (More about this Memory Stem Cell business later on in this storybook.)

Silence. Your guide finally shuts up and you’re alone, floating above planet Asu. Quantum spacecraft continue to fill the area with activity. The spacecraft are of various shapes, some are enormous, and they all have a smooth symmetrical form. The most noticeable similarity is the texture on their hulls that looks like overlapping reptilian scales embossed with fern leaves. All spacecraft have large white emblems painted on their dark gray hulls: a circle with a triangle inside. The larger ships have huge glassy hemispheres protruding from their hulls. They’re greenhouses and arboretums! Plants can be seen inside and shadows move through the plants, Quantum shadows.

That’s right, it’s them, your guide says calmly. And you’re wonderin’ what they look like, right? They’re humans, like the Strokes and the Imeons and you Earthlings. But you’re all unique. Take the Strokes. They’re just a bunch of pudgy, fuzzy headed Cyan-skinned-colored little suckers only 80 to 120-centimeters-tall. The Imeons are big, 400 to 500-centimeters-tall, and some of them are even taller than that! And Imeons look like --- well, you’ll see that piece of work when it’s time. But the Quantums look a lot like you Earth humans. You’re about the same size, but your hands are a bit different. The Quantums have 7 digits on each hand; 5 fingers and a thumb on both sides. Plus, the digits are a little longer than on Earthlings. I’m tellin’ ya, you should hear these Quantums play the piano, or do the crazy hand jive thing to a computer keypad – or whatever.

"Here’s a choice morsel about the Quantums. Their war with the Strokes? It’s not the big deal. The war is number two for the Quantums. Has been for over two thousand years. The big deal is exploration. Not of their solar system, they’ve got that pretty well-mapped out. It’s the asteroid sphere. The Quantums want to find a way out of it. Why? Because the Quantums feel entombed by it. They don’t know what’s outside of the asteroid sphere. They’ve never seen or know what a Galaxy is – or the Infinite Universe. But they know that something is out there. The Quantums know there is a way in-and-out of the asteroid sphere that’s encasing their solar system, because something is doing it. No, not you and me. A predator that comes and goes, like it’s exploring and searching – several times, so far. The Quantums call it The Visitor."

Soon, the Quantums must learn how to pass the Step Three Final Exam for humans.

Your guide says calmly, Well, that’s it. You’re introduced to the place. This story hits the nail on the head. I’ve gotta go now. Lots of other stuff ta do today. See ya later.

With a blink you’re awake, laying back flat on your bed. What a dream, you mumble. You get up and walk into your bathroom. The toilet lid is down, and on it is