The Changing Color of Grief

By Ildi Crawford

About the Book
The Changing Color of Grief is the recollection of events following a beloved husband’s death. Grief, anger, and ultimately acceptance of the unacceptable describe not only the personal emotions experienced by the author, but also other people who have lost a life partner. Included are personal, day-to-day experiences of living without a partner, and the challenges of moving on with living one’s own life.

About the Author
Ildi Crawford is the mother of three, including a daughter with autism. She has worked as a volunteer for years to improve services for individuals with autism. Crawford immigrated from Hungary with her parents and two brothers. She is a licensed independent clinical social worker.
Semi-retired, she works a few hours a week as a therapist, treating clients with various mental health problems.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dorrance Publishing Company
• Release date: Mar 31, 2023
• ISBN: 9798888129500

Book preview

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The contents of this work, including, but not limited to, the accuracy of events, people, and places depicted; opinions expressed; permission to use previously published materials included; and any advice given or actions advocated are solely the responsibility of the author, who assumes all liability for said work and indemnifies the publisher against any claims stemming from publication of the work.

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2023 by Ildi Crawford

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted, downloaded, distributed, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, including photocopying and recording, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented without permission in writing from the publisher.

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eISBN: 979-8-88812-950-0

The Changing

Color of Grief

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Several weeks after my husband died, I was in the doctor’s office completing a routine questionnaire requested by the nurse. The form very much was like a routine request for health information asking about past or recent health concerns. The questions appeared to be typical inquiry requested by most doctors’ offices of potential or established patients who may come for an examination for the first time to verify information for their visit, or questions to update previous records for returning patients. A routine questionnaire I had completed several times in the past.

As I got to the question of marital status, a typical routine question on the form, suddenly, I felt the world closing in around me. An unexplainable panic engulfed me; I became confused and overcome by unexplainable distress. I was unable to put an x mark by the question. Consequently, that simple question seemed incredibly confusing. I numbly stared at the options noted on the form. I felt embarrassed and distraught about what to do, not knowing how to complete that part of the form.

My immediate intent, as it had been in prior times, was to check married in the box. My confusion and despair came to me with the painful realization that I was no longer consider a married woman. I felt compelled to leave the question box about my marital status unchecked. I could not think of myself as single.

 The thought of myself as single, a widow, did not seem right then, or even after much passing of time that my status is considered a widow, not being married, has not fully registered in my mind. What seems like a denial of reality remains to be very much true, even several months and a few years later. That I must think of myself as not being married to my beloved husband felt then and continues to seem much like a betrayal of the life we shared for so many years.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of widow means a woman who lost her spouse or partner by death and usually has not remarried. My thoughts then, and continue to be, that the idea of being a widow evokes a kaleidoscope of emotions ranging from anger, indignation, to helpless despair. How dare anyone think the title of wife no longer applies to me. It is a denial that somehow our love, our life together is negated by the world we lived in together for so many years. My feelings remain as they did in the beginning—I want to shout to the world for everyone to hear, I am not a widow!

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We are having a birthday party for my daughter Eva who is autistic. Birthday parties for Eva had been a happy tradition for many years. This party, like so many birthday celebrations in the past years,