So I Can Love You Longer: A Mother's Message to Her Daughter

By Michelle Wilson

If you were to die today, what conversations would you regret not having?

In 2017, Michelle tested positive for the ovarian cancer marker-the same cancer that cut short her grandmother's life. Faced with this reality, Michelle asked herself: If she only had twenty-five years left to liv

• Language: English
• Publisher: Capucia Publishing
• Release date: Apr 28, 2023
• ISBN: 9781954920620

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

January—Dreams

February—Love

March—Celebration and Persistence

April—Fun

May—Feelings

June—Respect and Responsibility

July—Duties vs. Freedom

August—Happiness, Contentment, and Joy

September—Habits and Success

October—Failure = Opportunity

November—Gratitude

December—Faith and Hope

A Note on Ethical Wills

About the Author

Introduction

This book is a life guide I wrote to my eight-year-old daughter Z because I am currently faced with the possibility that I might not be around to teach her everything I want her to know when she’s all grown up. I want her to begin where I leave off in this life, take what I share, and rise to new heights.   Let’s face it, none of us know our expiration date.

As with many stories, this one begins with a series of events in my life that represented a crossroads and required a decision to continue in the same direction or to turn in a new direction. I had to choose whether to tolerate a life that did not represent what I wanted, who I was, and what I could be or to radically change and allow myself to become the best version of myself and step into a life of freedom by facing my faults and shortcomings head-on.

In October 2017, I took the BRCA1 gene test to look for cancer genes. The results came back in a large yellow envelope that I did not want to open. If I opened it and the report showed that I was positive for cancer genes, then I would have to decide what I would do next.

My doctor called me at my office on an ordinary Tuesday to discuss the results. I recommend you have your ovaries removed and do a mastectomy and reconstruction of your breasts, she said matter-of-factly. Apparently, the chances of getting ovarian cancer were 60% for me compared to 0.6% for women without the gene and something like 80% compared to 15% for breast cancer. Her voice was unemotional as she stated I should remove the possibly offending organs as if she could simply rip open a seam along my torso and snip the threads connecting the organs like altering a blouse.

She continued to discuss the next steps and the order in which the surgeries should be done, but I don’t remember much of that part of the conversation. Instead, I sat in my conference room in a state of shock, numb.

I was thinking of my dad’s mom, Nanny, who died from ovarian cancer the summer I graduated high school. The doctors didn’t find it until it was in advanced stages a few years before. It went into remission for a year and returned worse than the first time. My high school graduation was the last time she went anywhere in public. She was determined to go. They told me not to worry; it wasn’t genetic. They were wrong.

When you’re a kid, most grown-ups give you a nod and ignore you or tolerate you. Nanny was the one in our family who was always willing to listen because she genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. She was the only person in my family who allowed me to cry without telling me to Stop it, Turn it off, or That’s Enough. Nanny was my person. She was the one who understood me, the one I’d hoped I’d never lose.

Nanny was in her 60s when she passed away. My daughter, Z, was four years old when I received the test results, and I was 40. I had to stop and ask myself this question: If I died in my 60s like Nanny, would I be satisfied with my life if I lived the next 20+ years the way I’m living now? I knew the answer. The answer was NO!

In 25 years, Z would barely be out of college. I wanted to be around when she had children of her own. What about my professional life and my relationships? Without change, I knew I could arrive at life’s end saying, Wait, I’m not done yet. Or I wish I had [fill in the blank]. If you had a limited amount of years left to live, how would you live your life? What would you change?

The number of things I realized I needed to change was so large that I had difficulty getting my head around it all. But I knew one thing: Changes needed to happen.

I needed to focus on the next step and do the next right thing. I started talking to medical professionals to explore my surgical options, and paradoxically, I decided to grow my business. While I would be absent for periods, it was important to me that I keep the business thriving and expanding so that it would have a better chance of running for a period of time in my absence. Since ovarian cancer is the hardest to detect, I prioritized that surgery first.

Three years prior to that surgery in July 2018, I took a huge step and joined a business coaching group for law firms. The monthly fee was so high that I didn’t know how I could afford it. I was thankful for my spouse’s steady income, which would make the difference if my firm had a lean month.

The following morning was the first big quarterly meeting for the coaching company. Like a new person sliding into the back pew late for a Sunday morning church service, I was standing in the back of a large, dimly lit ballroom at a high-top table behind the seated portion of a 300-person audience. The owner of the coaching company took the stage, looked out at the audience, and said, You have a right to be free.

I felt like I was the only person in the room, and he was looking straight at me. It was an A-HA! moment. I finally understood something that I had been searching for my whole life. I had been living my life according to the roles and expectations of others. I realized at that moment that I could give myself permission to be me first – before being a mother, wife, daughter, or attorney for other people. I needed to prioritize myself so that I could be the best version of myself in all of those roles.

Looking at my life with a clear vision as if for the first time, I realized that my marriage was unhealthy. Arguments sprang up daily. What started as a marriage with laughter and dreams had become a battlefield where the goal was getting through the day and avoiding as much negativity as possible. I had tried to fix it with a marriage book, occasional therapy suggestions, and simply avoiding the things that would set off the verbal explosions while waiting for things to return to the way they used to be. We were comfortable enough, and the idea of being on my own financially made me sick to my stomach.

After returning from a family vacation to a defrosted freezer in July 2018, my husband and I had a huge argument, and, this time, it was in front of Z. After several minutes, our daughter, just five years old, tried to intervene. Stop it! Stop fighting! she yelled, holding her little hands up to both of us in a stop signal. How do I communicate the emotions of that moment? There was red-hot anger toward my husband. There was shame in being one-of-those couples whose children are scarred by fighting and finding that, while I never wanted to be one of them, now we were. There was also a deep sadness realizing that we were here. That was when I knew beyond doubt that something had to change.

After that argument, I would imagine myself going through the medical procedures and going on vacation – but not with my husband. I did not want him to be with me on this journey. I also became aware that I could not change him. How many times had I, as an attorney, required a client to go to a class on anger management, and they didn’t change because they didn’t want the help offered? Many times. Why would my marriage and my spouse be any different? It wasn’t. You can’t save someone else if they don’t want to be saved. If we remained married, he would possibly never change, and I’d live the rest of my days walking on eggshells trying to make him happy or living a separate life. I did not want that for myself, and I did not want that kind of future for our daughter. Z deserved to have the best version of both her parents. I wanted to be the best version of myself for her. That’s the part I could control.

Here’s the thing about becoming aware. After you become aware that you can be free, you must decide if you want to be free and then take the next step toward that goal. I decided that I wanted to be free and that freedom needed to start with ending my toxic marriage so that my home could be a place of safety and healing again.

I decided to ask for a divorce. Divorce is not done in my family, and I had no idea how they would react. The phrase, You’ve made your bed; now you must lie in it, circled in my head. What would my parents say? There’s the public-ness of divorce too. I didn’t know how it would change my relationships with friends and community members.

But my biggest fear was that Z would hate me for tearing apart her family. I hope that someday she will understand that I decided to divorce her daddy because I felt it was the best thing I could do for all of us at that time. Z, I hope that someday you can forgive me.

There are life experiences that change you forever. Becoming a parent is one. Going through a divorce is another. For the first time, I understood the emotional roller coaster and the stress someone feels going through a divorce. I feel like I can say that I get it now.

There’s the feeling of loss that hits you unexpectedly when you look at an empty spot on the wall that used to hold a painting or a tradition that you used to do as a family that you know will never happen the same way again. There’s the moment when you realize that the divorce is final and all the dreams you once had for your marriage and your family are gone, and you grieve the loss of that future and all the possibilities that once could have been. It’s a similar grief you experience when someone dies, except worse in some ways. The sadness and loneliness you feel are so deep. Over these past four or five years, I learned that allowing myself to feel all these feelings is okay. It is okay to give myself the space not to be okay. But I need to set a timer on those feelings and then take the next step in my new life to figure out the new traditions I will create for my new life and the new experiences I will have and share with new friends and loved ones.

After the divorce was final, I was determined to do the next right thing to bring more stability to my life. I decided to finish my basement so I could rent it as a second income stream. I did not have a plan or savings before deciding to get the permit. I had faith that the help and money I needed would come, and it did.

After finishing the basement, I scheduled my first surgery. The day after my surgery, my only secretary quit without notice. I ran my firm from my couch on pain medication three days after going under the knife. Yet, I was determined to do what needed to be done. Since that surgery, I have found and hired twelve new team members. They are inspired by how we help families and individuals live their best lives intentionally and by design. They are excited when we succeed and pitch in when we have unexpected challenges and needs.

My family didn’t toss me out, and I am still welcome at church. My divorce is part of my story. My medical journey is part of my story. Thankfully, the only mass found has been benign so far. I’ll check every six months until I have a business that runs independently, and I can schedule the next surgery. I continue to practice the lessons I talk about in this book, like the practice of gratitude. These past few years have equipped me to help people with similar experiences. I know there must be others who could benefit from my story and the life lessons I am passing on to my daughter in this book.

This part is for you, Z…

If things don’t go as planned, I want to ensure that you have these letters about the important things in life. I want to show you that you have the potential to live a life that is limited only by your imagination and willingness to do the next right thing. I want you to hear the stories of growth and see what is possible. I want you to know that it’s okay not to be perfect in your eyes or the eyes of others – like teachers or friends. I want this book to support you when you lack the strength to stand on your own. I want this book to be your shoulder to cry on. I want this book to be where you can hear my voice and feel my love. If God takes me to heaven early, this book will let me love you longer.

This part is for you, Dear Reader. You have value that extends well beyond your net worth or the size of your estate. You have value because you have lived on this earth. The lessons you are learning and your message are important. I hope that this book inspires you to write your message – your life lessons. Our life experiences are one of our most valuable assets as humans. These experiences and lessons are lost when we die without passing our message and stories on to the next generation. Even if you have no children, your story is valuable. If you have been struggling with addiction, your story is valuable. If you have been struggling with relationships, your story is valuable. Your story is valuable if you don’t have two nickels to rub together. I want you to feel your value. Feel your value and write your message.

You can write your own message in less time than you think. I wrote this book two hours per week for ten months. You can write just one letter, or you could write as many letters as I have written here. It’s as easy and simple as scheduling the time and keeping the promise to yourself to write. Let this book be your jumping-off point. What’s your story?

January

Dreams

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought and could not have appeared without them.

— James Allen

January 2

Dear Z,

Happy New Year! What did you decide to change this year as your New Year’s resolution? Mommy still struggles to stick with these promises we make on New Year’s Day. Don’t be discouraged by repeat failure regarding New Year’s resolutions. It will always take more than just a promise to make a lasting change or to make dreams come true. Want to know how you can make lasting changes in your life? I’ll tell you.

A new year is a fresh start. But, before diving into the new year, take a minute to appreciate last year. Take time to think about what you accomplished in the past year. Write it down. Think of the small things as well as the big things. Celebrate all you achieved and all you have to be grateful for. Then, put this list aside – somewhere you can see it in future years so you can review your progress and remember accomplishments you will no doubt forget. 

Now, what do you want to accomplish this year? Picture the goal in your mind. What does it look like? Do you have a Vision Board? Take that image in your mind and find a picture of what you see, draw it if you cannot find a picture, or write the words that describe it on a piece of poster board or paste the photo or drawing on a blank Word document on a computer. Think of a date when you want to accomplish your goal and add the date on your Vision Board. Put your Vision Board where you can see it daily – your bathroom mirror, bedroom television, or the kitchen fridge. 

Next, consider the steps you need to take to reach your goal. Write down the steps in a notebook or on your computer. Then, look at your calendar and put in deadlines for each step you need to take. Now follow the calendar and finish each step. At the end of the year, you can celebrate your progress. Yay! 

I know you’re too little for Vision Boards just yet, but I want you to know how to do this so that you can make them yourself in future years. It’s a great time to practice by putting all the toys or vacations or adventures you want on a board. Then, you can devise a plan to earn part or all the money you need. Then, at the end of each year, you can list all of the steps you took to get closer to your goal and all of the new changes to your life that you know you plan to make a permanent part of your best life – the life you want to live every year. 

James Allen said in his book As A Man Thinketh, As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. You should add this book to your list to read. It’s not long, but it will undoubtedly be a book you will spend some time studying and thinking about. In part because it was written a long time ago in a way that regular people don’t talk or write anymore. Also, Mr. Allen somehow packs amazingly big ideas into short passages. 

What he is talking about here is that our lives are the result of our thoughts. You can choose what you think about. By choosing your thoughts, you choose your future. 

If we spend time thinking about what we can’t do, we will not succeed. Your Grandma used to say, If you think you can’t, you’re right. She meant that if you start by thinking you cannot do something, your mind will never look for how you can do it. But if you change your thoughts and believe you can, your mind looks for ways to do it. What if we stop thinking about how we can’t do something and start asking what we can do and then how we can do it? 

You remember the movie Frozen II, right? Do you remember the part where Anna thinks Elsa is dead, and she sings the song about doing the next right thing? Life is a lot like that. Sometimes we know what we want to do, but we cannot see all the steps to get there. That’s okay. Decide what you want to do and then do the next right thing. 

When you were little and wanted to get around, you didn’t let the fact that you couldn’t stand or walk stop you. You figured out that if you laid on your back and pushed with your feet, you could arch your back and push yourself on the back of your head. You pushed yourself around so much that you rubbed all the hair off the back of your head, and I worried that it might not grow back. There is no stopping you when you decide what you want and focus on how to do it. 

When your mommy was little, I knew I wanted to drive. I was too young to drive a car, so I asked your Papa Wilson to teach me to drive the riding lawn mower. I found out that I could drive. It was great fun at first. Then your Papa Wilson started asking me to drive the lawn mower every weekend to cut the grass. The lesson here is to be careful what you ask for because you might get it. 

When I decided to go to law school, I had no idea if I could get a high enough score on the LSAT entrance exam to get in. So I paid for a class to help me get a better score. I don’t think the class helped me get a better score, but it helped me be less nervous about taking the test, and I received a score that was accepted. Then the next right thing to do was to study and graduate from law school. I made it through law school much the same way you will make it through the third grade (one day at a time), except that I did a lot more reading and studying, and my law books did not have any pictures. So take life one day at a time and plan for the more significant projects and tests. You will learn to study and read books without pictures too. Just because something is more of a challenge to do, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go for it.

Follow your heart and remember that dreams come true because you first DECIDE to go for your dream, then take ACTION to achieve it by doing the next right thing. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. Make sure your thoughts count for something, especially when you start and end your day. After a day of video games, YouTube shows, or the latest friend drama, think about how you might want to change the world or your community. Think about who you want to become.

I cannot wait to see how you will change your world. You know you have already changed mine. 

Love,

Mommy

The future belongs to those who believe

in the beauty of their dreams.

— Eleanor Roosevelt

January 9

My Darling Z,

Dream even if it gets you in trouble. Ha! Didn’t think you’d hear that from me, did ya? Mommy has a coaster in the office that