Breathe Through the F^ck

By Ali Moss

Have you left an abusive relationship and thought, What do I do now? Have you struggled to move forward with your life? Do you have trouble remembering who you once were? This is the book for you!

Ali shares her story of escaping domestic abuse and the struggle to find herself again. In Breathe Through the F^c

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ali Moss Breathes
• Release date: Mar 1, 2024
• ISBN: 9798989253449

Book preview

Introduction

I’m sorry Otto, I can’t bring you with me. I’m sorry, I love you.

This is what I was frantically whispering to my dog as I tried to make it to the patio door as quickly and quietly as possible. I gave him a kiss and took the biggest steps of my life to that door, slid it open as silently as I could, and ran through the yard and down a hill, to my landlord’s house.

My boyfriend had just beaten and berated me for 25 hours. He made me write a suicide letter, then tied me up and tortured me. I was able to make my escape while he was in the bathroom. I find some cosmic humor in the fact that a shit saved my life.

It was Upstate New York in March, and I had no shoes or coat on. I was beaten, bloody, concussed, deeply traumatized, and I hadn’t slept. I was in shock. I had no idea what was actually happening, and when my landlord and his daughter opened the door to let me in, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t tell them what had happened, but I said I couldn’t go back home. If I called the police, my boyfriend would kill them and himself. I had no phone and I didn’t know anyone’s phone numbers, so I sent out emails to my coworkers, asking them to call my landlord’s phone. It was 8:57 a.m. and work started at 9 a.m. Just as I hoped, one of my coworkers called. She picked me up and brought me to the police, who later arrested the man I thought loved me.

I had lived through seventeen years of abuse. This was the darkest time of my life and I didn’t even know it. Isolation, manipulation, gaslighting, and violence were what I was accustomed to. I had no control over anything. I worked, but couldn’t use the money I made. My clothes were either bought for me or criticized, and my diet was whatever his crazy diet was. I had no hobbies besides hiking and camping (but that was always withheld from me and used as a prize for good behavior and I was never able to do this on my own). I was constantly injured, underweight, not sleeping, estranged from friends and family, and stressed about everything. I was tense as fuck, flinching at every movement, and I thought it was all my fault.

I had spent the last two years of the relationship desperately trying to work on myself so I could feel better and be a better partner for him. I was completely lost. I had no idea that I was stuck in the cycle of abuse. To be 100 percent honest, I didn’t see it until after I left. If my ex hadn’t tried to murder me, I never would’ve left. I’m so fortunate that it got to the point that I realized I was going to die if I stayed. Even though I left to save my life, I didn’t want to. I still had a tiny hope that we could work it out and live happily ever after, just like I had been trying to do that whole time.

This happened in 2020, and the world had just shut down from COVID a few days before. I was a manager at a spa and was incredibly lucky to be able to work from home. I drove three hours north to my parents house and childhood home in Syracuse, New York, and began my healing process on the Oneida River. I can’t imagine a better setting for the beginning of a new life.

I’m the kind of person who needs to know why something happens. Once I was home, I told a friend what had happened, and she sent me a book about narcissists and relationships. Reading this opened my eyes and I dove into the world of domestic violence immediately after I finished it. I read so many books on domestic violence and abuse. I had so many questions that I needed to answer:

How did this happen to me?

Why?!

Is this common? No one talks about it!

Was it my fault?

Is it going to happen again?

Am I broken?

What do I do now?

I found countless books on how to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship and books on how to get out, but I couldn’t find books on what to do now. I was raw. I couldn’t handle any stress. I was hyper-vigilant, and kept having flashbacks. I was panicking constantly, as my ex had been bailed out of jail and was stalking me. I just couldn’t cope.

I had lost who I was a long time ago and I couldn’t imagine a new life. Everything was difficult, my PTSD was terrible, and I couldn’t stop bursting into tears. I couldn’t handle life. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t live like this. I wasn’t going to. If I couldn’t find a way through this, then I was going to make my way out.

I wrote this book for the survivors. My goal is for this to be a guidebook back to yourself after leaving abuse. These are the things that worked for me. Please note that I’m not a therapist or doctor- I’m a survivor, like you. You got out, now live.

1

Domestic violence is insidious. It’s hard to talk to someone who hasn’t experienced it and can’t understand how it happens. I couldn’t understand it myself. Turns out, it’s a cycle. There are four stages that may be very familiar to you.

Stage One: Tension Building

This is when you can feel that they’re tense. Something is stirring, and you’re afraid they’ll snap at any moment. This is when you’d be walking on eggshells. I was always nervous and mindful of making sure I did everything right. I’d try to do nice things for him so he’d be happy.

Stage Two: Incident

The shit hits the fan. This is when violence, verbal and/or emotional abuse, extreme anger, threats, and blame converge.

Stage Three: Reconciliation

They apologize, give excuses, or blame you for what happened. They might even deny what happened.

Stage Four: Calm

This is the honeymoon phase. You might be having a great time with your partner. They may even give you gifts, take you out, or say nice things. The incident seems forgotten. There’s no abuse at the moment. This is the part of the relationship that makes all the bad things seem unreal, or as if they may not happen again.

I had mixed feelings about this cycle. I couldn’t deny it. I experienced that over and over again, for years. It seemed to oversimplify things, though. How could I have lost so much in just four steps?! Are you kidding me?!? How did I not see what was happening? I felt so much shame, but I was also happy to see there was information about this.

I researched everything I could. I delved so deeply into domestic violence, it worried my advocate. Once she got to know me better and realized that I was also under the care of a psychologist, she seemed to see how immersing myself into this world, in a safe way, was beneficial.

I had time, and I like to read. It kept me distracted from PTSD symptoms and the stress of being stalked by my ex, and it gave me a direction to go in. I knew that I wouldn’t heal until I understood what took place. I had to get to the root of the problem before I could fix what had been tampered with.

As I read the books I bought, I saw all the red flags in my ex. All of them. How did I not know about this? I knew there were abusive relationships, but I didn’t realize how easy it is to fall into one. This is fairly common, unfortunately. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

One in 4 women