Narcissists, Gaslighting, Dark Psychology & Manipulation (2 in 1): Divorcing & Co-Parenting With A Narcissist, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Preventing Future Toxic Relationships: Divorcing & Co-Parenting With A Narcissist, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Preventing Future Toxic Relationships

By Sarah Evanson

This audiobook contains two books in one - Divorcing & Co-Parenting With A Narcissist, and Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Preventing Toxic Relationships.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sarah Evanson
• Release date: Oct 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9781916673458

Book preview

Narcissists, Gaslighting, Dark Psychology & Manipulation (2 in 1): Divorcing & Co-Parenting With A Narcissist, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Preventing Future Toxic Relationships

Sarah Evanson

Divorcing The Narcissist: Break Free From Narcissistic Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Toxic Relationships & Manipulation- How To Co-Parent With Them & Why They Target Empaths

Sarah Evanson

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

The Narcissist's Way

Chapter 2

What Is Narcissism?

Chapter 3

The Abuse Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard, Destroy, Hoover

Chapter 4

Learning the Narcissist's Language

Chapter 5

Recognize and Accept the Trauma

Chapter 6

On the Road to Recovery

Chapter 7

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: How to Make It Work

Empathy

Chapter 8

Empathy

Chapter 9

Positive Trauma Therapy Techniques

Chapter 10

Self-Love Scale

Radical Acceptance Worksheet

Epilogue

Affirmations and Meditations

Affirmations For Developing Self-Love and Self-Confidence

Healing Meditation Script

Meditation Script for a Relaxing Bath

Meditation for Healing

A Hand Warming Imagery Script

Inner Child Healing Meditation

Physical Healing Through Relaxation

Relaxation for a Positive Self-Image

Visualization: The Road

Coping With Flashbacks

Introduction

Why Is It So Difficult to Heal?

Have you ever had to let someone go from your life? Was it a toxic partner whose personality came into conflict with yours? A partner who was not the person you believed they were? A competitive colleague who saw every task as a chance to get ahead?

While each of these situations may present different challenges, one thing stands true: saying goodbye and walking away probably didn't make you miserable.

It's natural to feel emotions from the remains of the relationship as your mind and heart work to cut the ties that connected you to this person. However, once those few days or weeks had passed, you were most likely fully functional again and probably relieved. You might not have even thought about that person unless someone mentioned them to you. You recovered, moved on, and improved. So why is it so difficult now?

Narcissistic relationships have characteristics that make it particularly difficult to deal with. As a result, after you walk away, you may experience the same intense pain that you did when they were an active part of your life.

Chapter 1

The Narcissist's Way

The Grip 

This is perhaps the most complex and effective tool a narcissist has for keeping their victims dependent. This grip is gradually built over time, using conditional love and affection as a tool to manipulate the victim into behaving the way they want.

As time passes, the victim grows fond of the narcissist, and the abuser will take advantage of this bond. Even when the victim is not involved in the development of an issue, the victim becomes the scapegoat for the various problems that may arise in the narcissist's life.

The narcissist now insists that you are the problem, that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong in your lives together. They persuade you that you need them, because you are not perfect, and they know how to keep you from causing further harm to yourself or others. They make you believe you need to depend on them, as if you owe them an explanation or an apology for everything that goes wrong.

You, on the other hand, are fully convinced. The kindness, affection, and love they showed you at the start of your relationship has reassured you that they have the best of intentions. They've persuaded you that they’re superior to everyone—including you—and thus are the only one who can provide you with verified truth and advice.

You've become tied in their web without even realizing it. You feel dependent on them, and the first question that comes to mind whenever you make a decision is what would they think? You're walking on eggshells, careful not to offend them and doing everything you can to please them.

Unfortunately, leaving them doesn’t dismantle such a deeply embedded mechanism. This is because, over time, this system causes you to lose your sense of free will. Your dependence on the abuser becomes instinctive and making decisions on your own becomes difficult.

So, now that you've left, you're wondering what to do next. You feel the need for someone else to tell you how to proceed, and the only person who comes to mind is your abuser. Unfortunately, no one else will be able to help you through this difficult time as much as yourself.

Guilt

A civil separation from a narcissistic relationship doesn't really exist. In fact, you are probably not on good terms with your abuser. Knowing you're not on good terms with your abuser may trigger feelings of guilt. They persuaded you that anything wrong with your relationship was your mistake, so now that you're ignoring each other indefinitely, you feel accountable for the situation.

This sense of guilt can make you want to run back, apologize, and take back your place in their sophisticated mechanism. Going back and apologizing for something that wasn't your fault won't help much because you didn't do anything to deserve an apology in the first place.

Guilt is so important in a failed recovery because it is often the reason victims restore relationships with their abuser. Reaching out because of guilt can be especially dangerous because it allows the abuser to shape the way you think and feel, increasing the likelihood that you will engage once more.

Lack of Support

It would be much easier to deal with narcissistic abuse if your family and friends could support and educate you. However, because narcissists are great pretenders, they can successfully conceal their true selves from everyone.

They spend their entire lives constructing an image of perfection and intelligence, creating a character to be admired, even if their actual life is far from perfect. This well-executed show makes it impossible for others to see the truth.

Approaching friends and family who may know your abuser is often pointless because they are unlikely to believe you. After all, they've come to view the narcissist as perfect. As a result, they'll assume what you're experiencing is most likely the result of a misunderstanding.

Most of the time, you will have to heal on your own. Of course, there will always be support systems and online resources where you can find people who have experienced similar things. However, if you were hoping to gain the sympathy of those around you, especially if they are also familiar with the narcissist, you may be disappointed.

Mainstream Media

They say love conquers all. Through books, movies, and music, the media has taught us over the years that true love can correct any mistake.

To show others that we love them, we must be selfless and sacrifice our comfort and convenience. So, whether it's a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner, the desire to fight on may be overwhelming because that's what we've been taught. That's how we get our happy ending, which is so often romanticized in today's films and songs. Unfortunately, selflove is a type of intense love and affection that the mainstream media fails to highlight. When we tell others that we did something because we wanted to love ourselves, we are often labeled as self-centered, insensitive, and selfish. We are not trying hard enough, and we are too lazy to love others. We don't value other people's worth, and we don't value the long-term relationships we've built.

But, before you give those ideas any space, keep in mind that you are the most important person you have. So, don't let anyone reject your efforts to care for yourself, particularly if your abuser has done nothing to demonstrate that they genuinely care about you.

True, many of us have been conditioned to act like love-giving robots, capable of dispensing affection and love even in the most difficult emotional situations. But you can't pour from an empty vessel, and you certainly don't need to feel guilty for a relationship you're solely attempting to save. Relationships are two-way streets, and they will never work if only one person clocks in at any given time. Putting yourself first is not a selfish strategy; it is a mature way of dealing with things.

You can only truly care for some else if you believe in your ability to love; this starts within yourself. In the same way, this powerful security in your being will attract the same type of person, allowing a healthy, flourishing relationship to develop without pretenses and ulterior motives.

The Unacknowledged Reality

Perhaps you've already noticed signs. Perhaps you've already noticed strange behavior. Perhaps you chose to remain silent because you didn't want to start a fight. Perhaps you turned a blind eye because that's not how you've known them. In any case, you saw the warning signs and chose to ignore them.

Many people who fall into the narcissist's trap can detect the problematic personality long before it manifests. But they choose to remain silent and avoid conflict in order to believe the best. They want to believe they are a good person and that these glimpses of strange behavior are isolated incidents.

Going against your instincts and then discovering you were correct about how you felt can make it extremely difficult to move on. The feeling of betraying your own radar will make you want to beat yourself up.

Although it can be discouraging, keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes, and no one is perfect. While the narcissist’s behavior tricked you into believing that your instincts are wrong, you must recognize that it was just a mistake, and a learning experience. Not everyone survives such intense abuse, so you must take advantage of the unique opportunity to grow and mature that many others will not have.

Don't beat yourself up about things you no longer have control over. Instead, look forward to the future and learn to acknowledge your instinct whenever it warns you the next time. If you give your intuition the attention it deserves, you'd be surprised how well it can keep you safe from threats.

Chapter 2

What Is Narcissism?

The term narcissism is derived from the character of Greek Mythology named Narcissus, who, despite being widely admired, was famous for ignoring others and seeking only to please himself. While Narcissus was a fictional character, the personality he exhibited is quite common in our lives and is evident in psychopaths and narcissists. Fortunately, this threatening personality is becoming more obvious with the help of social media and movies.

Unfortunately, Narcissus never realized he was in love with a fake image rather than reality. He died while striving for perfection. The tragedy, however, does not end there. In the myth, there's also Echo, a nymph who could only repeat what others said to her and was unable to express her own thoughts and feelings. Echo saw Narcissus walking through the woods one day and fell in love with him. She tried to get his attention, but communication was impossible. As a result, Narcissus only heard his own words repeated back to him. Echo eventually died of a broken heart.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist will see that Echo's character is similar to yours. You try to make your story known, but your efforts fall on deaf ears as you are ignored and never understood. You cannot communicate and you feel invisible, angry, depressed, or humiliated at times. You become engaged in a struggle for recognition and you want approval from the narcissist while he admires himself in the mirror. You keep experiencing Echo's ups and downs as the relationship alternates between periods of idealization and devaluation.

So, exactly what is narcissism? The term has a complicated history. It was once used to describe a type of male sexual perversion. Since then, narcissism has been defined as a stage of psychological development, a way of relating to others, a type of self-esteem regulation, a personality trait or style, and a personality disorder.

Today, narcissism is most commonly associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Personality disorders are distinguished by persistent personality traits that cause difficulties in people's lives and relationships. These problematic personality traits in the case of NPD revolve around the issue of self-esteem. Personality disorders, as opposed to more focused disorders such as phobias or panic attacks, typically affect many aspects of life. Personality disorders may necessitate long-term therapy and can lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

How Do We Diagnose Narcissism?

In a typical clinical setting, NPD is diagnosed following a thorough diagnostic interview in which a healthcare professional takes a complete history of the patient. They may make a diagnosis using information from a variety of sources including the patient's history and feedback from family and other loved ones. The interview is particularly useful because it permits professionals to receive information that otherwise could be withheld.

The American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is used by health professionals to diagnose, among other mental disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

To be diagnosed with NPD, a person must display behaviors and attitudes such as a grandiose sense of self, little empathy for others, and a persistent need to be admired. There are nine specific personality traits thought to reflect narcissism, and the person must display at least five of the traits to be diagnosed. 

False Self and True Self 

The narcissist has no empathy for others, and they connect only to feed their narcissism through attention and admiration. Anything that provides the narcissist with praise or a rewarding emotional reaction to their behavior qualifies as the narcissistic supply. They need this supply because narcissists are easily bored and are unable to connect emotionally with others because they are shallow.

A narcissist may see you as an accessory of themselves, such as a handbag, rather than a human individual with needs, wants, and desires. While genuine, non-narcissistic people want to connect with others on a deep emotional level, narcissists fear and despise intimacy because it reveals their true self rather than the false self they portray.

You see, narcissists lack empathy. They are unable to relate to the needs and emotions of others. They are charming chameleons who adapt to what they think others want and need of them and can fake emotions quite well. They do so to obtain what they desire: attention, praise, and superficial relationships that avoid genuine intimacy.

This false self is a mix of different personas, qualities, and traits that they have assembled from years of observing media and learning to imitate other people. Narcissists have cold empathy—they can intellectually understand why someone feels the way they do, but they do not feel the same remorse or shame others would when causing harm. They may appear regretful or cry crocodile tears, but this is often done to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

However, narcissists use a mask to entice their victims into a false sense of intimacy and security early in the relationship. Most narcissists are charming, charismatic, and grandiose; they frequently have a hypnotic effect that combines the seductive pull of kindness and humor with phony innocence. 

To the outside world, narcissists can appear extremely generous, even spiritually minded and humane. Their full-frontal cruelty is usually only displayed to their closest and dearest victims. Narcissists hide behind this lovely, seductive, charming demeanor to hook their victims and avoid accountability if they are ever threatened with exposure—after all, who will believe a victim if the abuser hides himself or herself in plain sight?

That is exactly how narcissists maintain the façade. The mean and sweet/hot and cold cycle of abuse would be far less traumatic if we didn't constantly doubt the narcissist's personality—a doubt that is reinforced every time we see their nice side and wonder if we are imagining things. The truth is that we are simply seeing the narcissist's mask during the good times and their true self during the bad.

Narcissists can fool anyone, including highly educated, successful, confident, and attractive people. Many intelligent people are easily deceived by narcissistic people because they cannot imagine someone purposefully manipulating and harming others in the way narcissists are prone to doing. Let's face it: no one wants to believe someone they care about is out to hurt them; they'd rather believe in the mask because the alternative is too terrifying to imagine.

It can take a long time and a lot of effort to overcome the cognitive dissonance this type of relationship causes because we are likely to develop conflicting beliefs, feelings, and thoughts about an abusive partner who can switch masks so quickly. Resolving our cognitive dissonance involves reasoning with ourselves about the reality of the abuse rather than engaging in the inevitable denial, reductions, or rationalization of the abuse that occurs when we connect with our abusers.

Narcissists will always defend their false self. They are also skilled at gaslighting (the invalidation of one's perception of reality) and projection, which they use to persuade society that their victims are insane and to persuade their victims that their perception of reality is incorrect.

Narcissists gaslight you to the point where you begin to gaslight yourself into believing that what you are feeling, hearing, seeing, and experiencing is false. A narcissistic partner can trick you into thinking the hurtful comment was just a joke or that their infidelity was a one-time occurrence. Many of these partners engage in pathological lying on a daily basis in order to meet their needs and conceal their manipulative agenda.

It's no surprise that victims of narcissistic abuse frequently feel isolated and invalidated by their experiences. It is simple for narcissists to convince the outside world that they are the only ones who are sane and rational: pathological narcissists relish labeling anyone who challenges their self-perception as crazy. They'll use it to describe any legitimate emotional reaction victims have to their shady and inconsistent behavior. At its most basic, it is gaslighting. But it gradually evolves into a complex psychological torture in which the victim begins to doubt his or her perceptions of the covert abuse and feels unable to trust his or her own reality.

A Narcissist’s Characteristics

NPD is a personality disorder in which a person is obsessed with themselves. The term narcissism is frequently used to describe someone who appears to be excessively narcissistic or self-centered. However, narcissism is more than that in psychology. People with NPD are more likely to be obsessed with a gilded, gaudy image of themselves. Furthermore, they are smitten with this enhanced mental self-view solely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of frailty. In any case, they must work hard to keep their grandiose fantasies alive. A narcissistic personality flaw is characterized by erroneous logic and behavior, lack of compassion for others, and an excessive demand for respect and admiration. People with NPD are experts in manipulation, are rejecting, demanding, and close-minded.

Narcissists are known for not being able to change their behavior, even when they know it’s causing problems. They blame others for their own mistakes, and they are frequently extremely sensitive and react violently to even minor responses. They may perceive even the most innocent comment as a personal attack. It feels easier for those around the narcissist to simply comply with their demands to avoid their anger. In either case, learning more about narcissism will enable you to identify narcissists throughout your life, protect yourself from their strategic maneuverings, and develop more beneficial boundaries.

It's normal to want to be admired. It usually makes us feel important. But an inflated sense of self-importance, a disregard for others, and an excessive need for adoration are all symptoms of NPD. Gaudiness, or the misrepresented feeling of megalomania, is the narcissistic personality's defining characteristic. Narcissists dealing with this issue may be preoccupied with dominance, distinction, and vanity, and believe they are entitled to preferential treatment.

Narcissism should not be confused with great bravery and confidence. A person with a narcissistic personality disorder is likely to be narrow-minded, proud, and unconcerned about the feelings and needs of others.

NPD also has a negative impact on the person's day-to-day life. They are generally dissatisfied with life and disillusioned when others do not value them or treat them special. Narcissists’ jobs, personal relationships, and social relationships are most likely causing them pain. People suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are unaware of the negative consequences of their actions, both to themselves and to others. Individuals are more likely to avoid being