Sustained: A Life Rewritten After Sudden Misfortune

By Dr. Peter Nieman

Losing a teenager to suicide is about a life as a parent adjusting to one of the biggest mental, emotional and spiritual challenges anyone may ever have to face. Anyone who faces a loss and a major life-pivot knows how hard this may be. This book takes a closer look at how we are sustained by others in a time of loss; how there are times when we alone must learn new ways to remain strong in a time of suffering and finally, how A Higher Power sustains us with ineffable peace. This book is about learning how to walk each other home as Spiritual teacher, Ram Dass used to say. It is about heart-to-heart resuscitation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9798765245903

Dr. Peter Nieman

Dr. Nieman is a physician, life coach, marathon runner and the author of Moving Forward and 101 Finish Lines. He has completed 114 marathons and continues the habit of running daily since December 2009. He sees patients in his Centre 70 Pediatric Clinic. Peter and his wife live in Calgary Canada. They have four children and one grandchild.

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Interior Image Credit: Dr. Peter Nieman

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American

Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,

1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4589-7 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4590-3 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date:   10/16/2023

Contents

Foreword

Preface

PART I

1     What No Parent Wants to Experience

2     Mr. Roger’s Twin

3     The Rabbi

4     The Memorial

5     The Professor

6     The Teachers

7     Honest George

8     The Donskys and The Smiths

9     Many Others

10   Love

11   Joy

12   Peace

13   Patience

14   Kindness

15   Goodness

16   Faithfulness

17   Gentleness

18   Self-Control

PART II

19   Sustained at 3 A.M.

20   Nest

21   Rituals

22   Weekly Reviews

PART III

23   Sustained By God’s Love

24   Trust

25   Mystics

Conclusion

Acknowledgements

Appendices

Bibliography

Foreword

"If we reject the painful, we only find more pain, but

if we embrace what is within, if we peer fearlessly

into the shadows – we stumble upon the light."

-Elizabeth Lesser

F or the past twenty years, I have had the special privilege of working as a grief counsellor supporting parents who are facing the end of their child’s life and parents who have had a child die. At the beginning of my career, I felt undeserving of counseling parents as they surrendered to the worst moment of their life. Despite having acquired a Master of Social Work with a specialization in grief and bereavement, I was not yet a parent and could not fully conceptualize the deep love and attachment that a parent has for their child, let alone the experience of the death of one. I have since been blessed with two boys and believe I am a better counsellor because of it. I have learned that you cannot do this work without combining your heart and human self with wisdom and knowledge. I remain humbled by the fact that I have not personally experienced this type of loss, however I have had the honour of holding space for over one thousand parents who have. My greatest learning has come from these brave humans that continue to be my teachers.

The grief parents experience is unique, desperate, devastating, and transformative. It is a pitch of grief unlike any other. My clients have described their grief as sheer devastation, my worst nightmare, horrific, unbelievable, and the greatest tragedy imaginable. In fact, most parents concur that there are no words to describe how out of order, unjust, unfair, and senseless the loss feels. A parent’s world becomes shattered when a child dies. There is a brokenness at the core that is so overwhelming, words no longer hold accurate meaning.

Bereaved parents carry their children in the most profound ways, integrating them into every aspect of their being. This by far is the bravest act of parenting – caring for a child who is no longer physically present. It is the reflection of deep love and yearning that continues every day after they are gone. Parents do such a remarkable job of keeping their children’s legacy alive that I truly feel like I know these beautiful children. This work has shown me how thin the veil is between this world and the one in which these children continue to exist. Bereaved parents forever straddle both worlds.

Grief does not change, bereaved parents do. This process has been described by some as a spiritual crisis. A life altering event that breaks parents open and leaves them to rebuild their framework of beliefs, worldviews, and sense of safety. I have witnessed the restructuring of self and the integration of grief, a process that initially seems impossible to the newly bereaved. I have seen these parents create meaning and a legacy out of the senseless loss. I have observed the chaos turn into order and direction, and parents learn to hold the duality of both joy and pain. I have watched countless parents step outside of their own grief and offer the newly bereaved compassion and the hope that they will survive. Moving from the darkness into the light is a remarkable shift, offering beauty and authenticity in the brokenness. I am grateful for the opportunity to bear witness to this process in Dr Nieman.

I remember feeling disbelief and heartache upon seeing Dr. Nieman’s name on the referral. He is a well-known and respected pediatrician in our community. I remember thinking to myself, is there not an unwritten rule that protects those that spend their life caring for children, from losing one? If this could happen to Dr. Nieman, couldn’t it happen to any one of us? The boundary that had protected me from parents in my program was somehow now invisible and the thread that connected us professionally, now became personal.

Following his loss, Dr. Nieman quickly gravitated towards the program, participating in both counseling and in grief group. I leaned in while he used his analytical and spiritual way of being in this world to understand and integrate his own grief and support his incredible wife, Dr. Zamonsky, and their surviving children. His faith was thoughtful and unwavering in the process, and every conversation manifested a teaching moment.

The Global Pandemic was a unique time for all of us. For many bereaved parents, it was a traumatic, uncertain, and isolating time filled with many secondary losses. In response to these challenges, my colleague Tara and I developed and executed virtual programming. For the first time in our program, we initiated grief groups on Zoom, including a 6-week grief group program, a monthly drop-in grief group and a novel loss by suicide group. Together, we transferred the connection and compassion found in face- to- face meetings and successfully created the same through a computer screen. While bearing his own pain, I watched as Dr. Nieman mentored and sustained other parents, often not even recognizing his gift.

Relationship and connection can help heal grief. Some of the most compassionate healers are wounded healers themselves. Dr. Nieman is one of those healers, a Wounded Warrior. A warrior who has not wasted his suffering. A warrior who has created magical connections in this madness of child loss. A warrior who uses his own wisdom and the teachings of Buddha, The Creator, Rabbis, and many others to elevate his understanding of compassion and purpose. A warrior who is humble and graceful. A warrior who shines his own light brightly so that others can see their path home. A warrior who helps us sustain hope and faith in the face of this tragedy.

If you are bereaved, if you are carrying a child in your heart, or if you are a companion to the bereaved, then you will find great meaning in this book. Dr. Nieman speaks bravely to the challenging and relevant issues surrounding mental health, suicide, and child loss. He eloquently moves us through the utter disbelief of finding his son Ben, his initial days of grief, the visitors that held him and the spiritual guides that taught him. He recounts these hours and days through his roles of family member, friend, mentor, spiritual student, and pediatrician, but there is no role more poignant in this story than his role as a bereaved father. He allows his readers to be intimate strangers to the most pivotal moments of his life, offering us the privilege of witnessing his raw grief.

This beautifully written work will capture you, guide you, validate you, and encourage you in the navigation of the tremendous complexities of loss. If you are supporting the bereaved, this book will enhance your grief literacy and build your capacity to sustain others around you. It underscores the devastating reality that child loss can happen to anyone, and most importantly, that you can survive it. It is a powerful story of hope and human connection.

Dr. Nieman, my heart is full because of Ben and all the other children that exist in this sacred space for me. I continue to be humbled and enlightened by you and the other parents that have graciously allowed me to share a few small steps on this path. I will forever be inspired by what you have taught me as a human, grief counsellor, and as a mother. You always believed in a purpose more powerful than the grief itself. You chose to let the grief reveal you. Thank you for your courage and vulnerability in inviting us on this spiritual journey through your book, Sustained, where you have found your light in the shadows of grief.

Megan Miller, MSW RSW

Pediatric Hospice & Grief Support Program

Preface

T he hardest day of my life, by far, unfolded one hour into 2020. One hour after I said goodbye to 2019, my life was abruptly and forever changed. My wife and I discovered the lifeless body of our youngest son, Benjamin, in our basement, where he chose to end his life. Ben died by suicide. He lost a long battle with depression. Ben decided to say goodbye to this world when he lost all hope. We never were given a chance to say goodbye to Ben.

We were plunged into a sudden, sickening tragedy. The door to an unexpected misfortune opened suddenly and we were instantly launched on a long winding path of an unchartered territory. A path marked by uncertainty and long dark nights; a path which took us around corners we never dreamt we would witness. Was this unexpected thrust into darkness our fate? Was it my lot? Who decided that it will be so? To this day I cannot say I am certain of the exact answer. But this I know experientially…I am sustained. My family is sustained, even though at times, we may not fully know it.

All humans, at some point in time, experience a definite fork in the road. Do we accept our fate? Do we agree with reality which spells it out plainly that, It is so…it cannot be otherwise Or… do we resist… and find that what we resist persists? Many among us, sadly, choose to fight reality by clinging tightly to the way we insist life should have been.

As an author, marathon runner and health coach, always focused on setting goals, reviewing years past and planning ahead. I anticipated the year 2020 to be a year of perfect vision. After all, the numbers matched what we want to hear when we see an eye doctor: Your vision is perfect—20/20. On this day, my understanding of 20/20 vision was permanently changed.

Just Not My Vision

Little did I know my view of suffering in the days following a tragedy would be marked by 20/20 vision; just not the vision my plans called for. No human being ever fully has the capacity to grasp the root causes of deep suffering. The mystical aspects can be summarized by one single word: ineffable.

At best, one can only speculate; subscribe to a story that matches one’s own biased beliefs. And hope that over time our interpretations pass the test of time. But so often our stories fail to pass the test of time, because they are either My story or Our story, but not THE Story.

In my own case, I came to the conclusion— after many sleepless nights, thinking about what happened to our family—that the timeless wisdom of Solomon, as expressed in Scriptures, indeed rings true.

In Proverbs 20:24 Solomon wrote that God directs our paths, and it is futile to try and figure everything out along the way. We can try. But we shall never truly know. Solomon reminded me that my path is directed by a Power far bigger and wiser than my finite brain capacity can comprehend.

Socrates once said that The only wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. I cannot say that experiencing the loss of child taught me that I know nothing. I know way more than I did the day before Ben died. But I shall never know everything I need to know. I have sensed that there are indeed strong forces at work after major tragedies wound our brave hearts.

Joseph Goldstein, probably one of the most influential Buddhist teachers currently in North America, tells of a story in India when he was a young adult. He was directed to step away from buying an airline ticket at a counter in an airport. That decision led him to a part of India where he fell in love with the Buddha’s teachings. Today, this compassionate wise teacher is revered. He continues to impact many of his students in their own quests to find freedom from suffering. Goldstein looks back at the trajectory of his life and comments that, Sometimes there are strong forces at work in our lives.

It is a waste of time to try and figure everything out; instead, we trust wholeheartedly; we do not lean on our own limited understanding; we acknowledge the fact that we do not control as much as we think we do; we surrender and accept there is a Higher Power at work and then our paths will unfold as it should. (Paraphrased words describing Solomon’s wisdom as expressed in Proverbs 3:5)

For most people who are plunged into a long dark tunnel of pain and despair, it is hard to resist the desire to have explanations of why bad things happen—often these tragedies happen to very good people who do not, according to our finite logic, see that as fair. Ultimately, we can only aspire to arrive at a place of radical acceptance. We can only stay open to what happens next, because we control far less than we think. This book is about this journey of knowing more, but I am accepting that I will never fully know; yet do I trust fully.

Surrender and accept radically. This is what psychologists call conscious suffering. It takes a lot of inner work, but once we do that…our perceptions change. Henry David Thoreau wrote that it is not what you look at; it is what you see. Since Ben died, I have given the notion of free will much thought and in my own way of perceiving this imperfect world I look at…I see free will as one of the most important influencers of life’s trajectories. Free will explains many of life’s inevitable pain points.

Free Will

Our youngest son bravely battled depression and anxiety and at age sixteen, Ben used his free will and ended his life. My wife was the first one to discover his body two hours after midnight. Her agonizing cries coming out of our basement pierced us both as we embraced each other, next to Ben’s lifeless body. That moment will forever reverberate in my memory. And yet, by Grace, I can confidently say I remain sustained and able to write about this from a place of authenticity.

Here is how this book is arranged:

PART I talks about people sustaining us when we suffer. Ordinary human mediums are used to teach us what it means to receive the Love of an infinitely wise, loving, faithful Deity. In Part I you will meet other parents who also lost a dear child.

PART II talks about what I call the lonely times—often at 3 A.M. when one is wide awake and at the mercy of dark thoughts, feelings, and emotions. In Part II, I humbly share a few practical tools which consistently enable me to endure with joy. I pray some of my tools may also resonate for anyone who struggles to live a life after a tragic loss.

Part III of this book I want to talk about my own personal experiences of how the ever-present and limitless love of my Creator enables me to stay calm and strong in middle of a horrific storm.

In a spiritual book, "A Course in Miracles", where lines between faith, metaphysics and psychology are blurred, a chapter lesson reads; We are sustained by the Love of God. In part, that line led to the title of this book. (See Lesson 50 in A Course in Miracles)

A close and compassionate friend of mine was told about the title of the book. He asked me, What does sustained mean? At first, I thought he was joking. But he taught me that I must define the title.

According to various dictionary versions, to be sustained means: to give support or relief to, or to supply with sustenance, or to be carried when under a weight or pressure, or to support by adequate proof.

After our son transitioned from form to formless, we as a family, experienced all the above—we tasted the compassion of others and the Love of God. When we needed bread, we were given bread—not water. And when we were thirsty, we were given water--not bread.

My Name is Benjamin, but You Can Call Me Ben

In grade one Ben was diagnosed to be gifted, but only after his Kindergarten teacher suggested that he should repeat Kindergarten. Apparently, Ben was deemed as odd by this experienced teacher. When we heard her opinion, we were taken by surprise.

What exactly does odd mean? we thought.

My wife and I are physicians, and instead of wearing the hat of doctors, we decided to get Ben evaluated by an experienced and well-respected psychologist, who confirmed a diagnosis of his high intellect and ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder).

In my career as a pediatrician, I encountered many Kindergarten students who tended to be very spontaneous and child-like in their behavior. Ben indeed was different—not odd, but different.

I shall never forget him as a four-year-old, in Mexico during Spring Break, floating in a pool on a cloudless day, going from person to person, in his usual friendly way, smiling mischievously, his light blond hair shining brightly in the blazing sunshine, and announcing with enthusiasm to total strangers, Hello…my name is Benjamin, but you can call me Ben.

Writing this brings tears to my eyes and pains my heart. Yet my heart is not broken; it is still in one piece. The loss of Ben traumatized my heart. But by the Grace of God, I was given an unbreakable heart early in my life when I became curious about the inner workings some mistakenly refer to as religion. Even though I faithfully showed up for spiritual work, I wish I could share with you that my heart is healed. It is not so. It carries a scar… forever… because that is what losing a child does to anyone’s heart.

My name is Benjamin, but you can call me Ben. Those were the words at the end of his obituary, and etched on the side of the urn where his ashes are kept on the desk of his bedroom—a room to this day where things are left, just as they were the day he finally lost his battle with depression.

We keep the door closed. My wife, Corinne, never enters that room. Occasionally, I may open the door, spend only a few minutes in Ben’s room, and notice all the evidence of a teenage boy: I see his books, his homework, his backpack, an empty soda bottle, his drawings, his Lego creations, and his favorite shoes—Vans. On his bed lies a rugby jersey with the letters BN etched on the back. You will read more later of how that jersey got there in his room.

My only comfort is to know that he is free from suffering, and according to my faith, in the Presence of a Higher Power and a loving God. Eternal life started for Ben shortly after midnight on that fateful day. And one day, I will catch up to Ben again and spend a forever-future with him and my loved ones in a perfect, peace-soaked Heaven. The memories of this imperfect world shall fade and become dimmer and dimmer, moment by moment.

Meanwhile

Before I get to catch up with Ben one day, I would need to have to answer the invitation as to how I want to live my life without him. All of us, without exception, will