Mind Trek: My Journey from Panic to Peace

By Carl J. Mattina

This autobiographical work of Dr. Carl Mattina explores the author's struggles with severe anxiety, panic, and agoraphobia. Dr. Mattina reveals how mental and physical abuse at home and psychological torture from members of the medical establishment aided in causing his self-esteem to plummet, leaving him in the depths of depression at a very young age.

As a young adult, his conflicts with sex and religion forced him to come to terms with his own sexuality and religious belief system. He continued to battle with severe stress, ongoing anxiety, and panic attacks while fighting to make sense of his torn, fragmented emotional state.

The battle was not altogether lost, however. One may witness his transformation to a positive lifestyle full of hope and personal accomplishments brought about by a program called CHAANGE. Dr. Mattina discusses the necessary tools to overcome the symptoms of severe anxiety, panic, and agoraphobia, as well as rebuild self-esteem. After more than forty years, Dr. Mattina has turned fear into love and discovered his life's purpose. Be prepared to experience the author's magnificent journey from panic to peace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Aug 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9781977271020

Carl J. Mattina

Carl J. Mattina Ph.D, NHD, CMT, now retired, had owned and operated his natural health practice for more than twenty years. His emphasis was on stress management, lifestyle modification, and natural, nutritionally balanced dietary requirements. Preventive measures are in place. He practices what he preaches. As an avocation and for recreation, Dr. Mattina participates in the performing arts.    

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Mind Trek: My Journey from Panic to Peace, REVISED EDITION

All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2023 Carl J. Mattina

v2.0

The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Outskirts Press and the OP logo are trademarks belonging to Outskirts Press, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Dedication

For Gene, whose brilliance and enduring compassion empowered me to emerge from the darkness of fear to shine in the light of love.

For Norm, whose unwavering love and encouragement has allowed me to continue to shine.

Contents

Acknowledgments

List of Tables and Figures

Introduction

Chapter 1. Learning Fear in Childhood

Separation Anxiety

Religion and Abuse

Hysteria and Emotional Scarring

A Teenager and Responsibility

Puberty, Rebellion, Independence

Guilt, Isolation, Panic

College Daze and More Abuse

Chapter 2. High Anxiety and Depression

Therapy?

Chapter 3. Out in the Big World

Sexual Confusion and More Guilt

Ambiguity and More Fear

Chapter 4. Love and New Beginnings

Chapter 5. Living Within Boundaries

We’ll Cross that Bridge

Being My Own Boss

Chapter 6. California Here We Come

Chapter 7. Back to Church

Chapter 8. Beyond My Limitations

Fear of Air Travel

Coming from Love

Show Biz at Last

Chapter 9. Finding My Spirit

Passages

Fear vs. Love

Intimacy Once Again

Chapter 10. A Pandemic Hits

Chapter 11. Coping with Stress

Stress

Anxiety/Severe Anxiety

Panic Attacks

Agoraphobia

Depression

Chapter 12. The CHAANGE Program

Agoraphobia and Me

Understanding My Condition

Chapter 13. The Holistic Approach

Are Drugs Necessary

Nutritional Considerations

Nutritional Supplementation

Exercise

Breathing and Relaxation

Meditation

Yogatherapy

Herbology

Homeopathic Remedies

Flower Essences

Aromatherapy

Massage

In Summary – Holistic Approach

Conclusion

References and Suggested Readings

Acknowlegments

I want to extend my love and gratitude to those who have generously given me their time and energy: Robert Korbett for his critique of the manuscript and his insights and ideas, Mark Clements and Norm Friesen for their fine editing, and Gene Barton for sharing his organizational skills.

I extend special thanks to Dr. John Pullen for his cooperation on the section on the CHAANGE program, Rick Semmens for tuning me into spiritual awareness at a time when I needed a teacher and a guide, Art Zweig for his unending support of my growth and enlightenment, and of course, my family, for allowing this book to happen.

I acknowledge and express gratitude to the spirit presence within, which continues to guide and direct my way.

List of Tables and Figures

Table 1

Vitamins and Minerals Depleted by Stress/Stress-Related Conditions

Table 2

Herbs that Reduce Stress/Stress-Related Conditions

Table 3

Homeopathic Remedies to Soothe Stress/Stress-Related Conditions

Table 4

Some of the More Common Flower Essences

Table 5

Essential Oils that Relieve Stress/Stress-Related Conditions

Table 6

Massage Systems

Figure 1

Diagram Showing Development of Severe Anxiety

Figure 2

Diagram Showing Development and Progression of Anxiety/Agoraphobia

MIND TREK : My Journey from Panic to Peace

By Carl J. Mattina, Ph.D., NHD, CMT

INTRODUCTION

I am a professional dancer. As a child, I was not allowed to dance since it was not acceptable for boys to dance, so my father told me. Nevertheless, this is a story about a guy who spent his entire life dancing. Much of his life was spent dancing with anxiety, fear, panic, and depression. Later on, he danced with hope, confidence, and joy. And, somewhere in between, he fell in lust, fell in love, and fell apart…not necessarily in that order.

The restaurant is on the 39th floor! I won’t go up there! Nor will I go over that high, long bridge! Forget about the tunnel! I hate crowds! Mountains? No way! I am avoiding all that scares me! Is this your self-talk?

I invite the reader to explore my life which was filled with stress, panic, severe anxiety and agoraphobia. If you are one of millions who suffer from any of these, relax. You can put an end to abnormal fear. Fear is primarily a learned condition, and it can be unlearned with appropriate techniques.

How can someone exist in the nightmare of fear, anxiety and panic for over forty years and expect to make an amazing turnaround? My self-esteem and confidence had hit rock-bottom. I was exhausted from trying to hide my irrational, though real fears, and sick and tired of the fabricated stories I concocted in order to avoid fearful situations. After all, I was intelligent and I had a college degree. I knew that fear could be irrational and that it is the one single notion that kept me from growing as a productive human being. So, what was the problem?

I began to answer that question when I decided that I had had enough! Once I had made the decision to get my act together, I realized that I did not have the slightest idea how to achieve this monumental task, especially since, deep in my heart, I was absolutely sure I would have to live with this condition for the rest of my life. I thought, "Who cares? All my friends seem to be happy and healthy, and this is just my lot in life." This defeatist attitude was fanned by ever-increasing, negative self-talk. It’s remarkable that I ever got started in my quest for freedom. However, I was determined to break down all the barriers I had put up around me, and free myself from all the demons that seemed to possess me.

Having experienced a series of events and a variety of individuals who came into my life, I was eventually introduced to the CHAANGE Program (The Center for Healing of Agoraphobia/Anxiety through New Growth Experiences). Please see the chapter on the CHAANGE Program. CHAANGE finally enabled me to get my fearful feelings under control and gradually eliminate them. By applying the CHAANGE Program to your own situation, you will rejoice in triumphant victory over fear and anxiety as you fulfill your most passionate dreams as I have done. Your fears may vary greatly from mine, or perhaps, you don’t think that you have any real fears at all like being afraid of meeting people or afraid of the dark. Any fear that holds you back from living your life freely is real. Once unshackled from fear, you too can enjoy the freedom to live life without limits.

1

Learning Fear in Childhood

As I begin my story, I feel as if I need to write about two completely different individuals. One person could have been found huddling in a closet during a thunderstorm; or in class, much too shaken to stand up to recite a poem; or hysterically holding on to the walls while ascending in an elevator, only to push the down button when he reaches the desired floor, or so absolutely ridden with anxiety that he could not board an airplane to attend his own father’s funeral.

The other person, whom I have grown to love and admire, is confident, poised, and hopeful. His new beliefs include living in the moment, since that’s all we have. Each and every activity is performed in the here and now, even while planning his future. He has learned to take control of his life and deal with day-to-day living with vision and humor.

Of course, the transition from frightened child and insecure adult to strong-minded human being did not happen overnight. As a child and young adult, I battled constantly with fear, anxiety, panic, and uncertainty. But my active imagination and fantasy world got me through those times of sheer psychological torture. I would visualize that I could do anything or become anyone I wished.

One of my very private fantasies was to be involved in the performing arts. My fascination with theatre has been going on since childhood. I wanted to sing, dance, act, and ultimately have an emotional impact on the world. I wanted to make a difference.

At 7 years old I wanted to tap dance, especially since my sister Lois attended tap class every Saturday morning. One day, I followed Mom and sis to the dance studio. I dragged a bench up to the window, climbed on it and pressed my nose to the glass. I could do what she was doing!

I talked Mom into allowing me to take dance class. Of course, I was the only boy in the class, but I loved it. I was excited to dance in the recital that year and I was very good. I did a solo routine called, Anchors Away. Even back then, I was into uniforms (see photo). The recital was a terrific feeling of accomplishment. In spite of my success, sadly, my father made me quit. He said, Dancing is for sissies. This was his mindset, and he could not be swayed to be reasonable and supportive. I was devastated. I could have been great! I could have been on Broadway! Or, to state a famous Marlon Brando quote, I could have been a contender!

I began to have a recurring dream where I would picture myself on stage in a majestic old theatre, my heart pounding with anticipation as I waited for the huge, red velvet curtain to go up, the audience applauding with excitement, but just as the curtain is rising, my fears cause it to suddenly come crashing down, snuffing out any hope of me ever realizing my dream.

Family Photo: Carl and Santa

Carl at 7 years old

Photo: Hobbs of E. Weymouth

Incidentally, I went back to dance at age 40. I guess I showed my father. If only I had had the wherewithal to stand up for myself when I was a kid… They say it’s better late than never. Who the heck are they? Furthermore, the jury is still out on that one. I could have been a great dancer. I could have been somebody.

I believe that many influences on us as children mold the way we later think and how we perceive ourselves. These are the impressionable years of innocence and gullibility. Our personalities are developing and we are influenced by everything around us as well as that which is innate. It was a turbulent time for me, full of conflict and confusion. The family situation can enhance a child’s development or diminish it substantially.

My family is of Italian origin, full of old-world values and traditions. Their beliefs included respect for parents and elders, and the child should be seen and not heard. Pasta was the culinary mainstay. The family unit was basically patriarchal, where the father was breadwinner and the mother took care of the house and children. Our religion was Roman Catholic, which in itself could manifest guilt in the strongest of the strong. Already I was off to a shaky beginning.

My birth took place in East Boston, Massachusetts, where both sets of grandparents had settled after emigrating from Italy. In the 1940s, East Boston was a community of row houses and three-story brick and wooden structures. Many had Victorian charm, with granite stoops and wrought-iron railings. The shops were specialized and located amongst the residential buildings. I vividly remember the aroma of fresh-baked bread that permeated the air. The peanut vendor would scoop out warm peanuts, still in their shells, into a paper bag for a nickel. There was the meat market with fresh meat hanging from hooks ready to be cut. We always knew when we were approaching the fish market from the smell of clams, scallops, shrimp, the catch of the day, and of course, squid for Italian calamari. Colorful vegetable carts and gelato stands were strewn along the streets, which bustled with activity. Vendors sold and neighbors chattered. Needless, to say, I loved the candy store with its jars full of penny candy. Licorice was my very favorite.

My father’s parents and mother’s parents produced six children apiece. Dad’s father was employed by the railroad, and his four boys became interested in blue-collar work for the most part, while the two girls helped my grandmother at home and later worked outside the home.

My mother and four sisters worked inside and outside the home, and my mother’s brother, Uncle Cal, became a doctor of Podiatry and practiced in East Boston.

All the children in both my father’s family and my mother’s family knew one another and attended school together. They often went to the movies as a group or socialized at school dances and other functions. At about their respective ages of 20, my mom and dad were dating each other exclusively and became engaged to be married. Mom said that her mother really liked Dad because he always treated Mom and the family with respect.

About a year later, Mom and Dad married and set up house in the same neighborhood where they grew up. They lived in a small two-room apartment where the bathroom was down the hall and shared with another family---a humble beginning indeed. About seven months later, my father was drafted into the army, since World War II was now raging. While Dad was in Europe on the battlefields, I arrived on a sunny spring day in May.

My first three years of life were spent with Mom’s family, who were loving, nurturing people who cared about me as if I were their own. The clan included my mom, grandmother, grandfather, six aunts, three uncles and several cousins. We all lived in the same neighborhood, so while Dad was away, I spent much of the time at my grandparents’ house.

Christmas was especially memorable at Grandma’s. The huge, lighted Christmas tree dripped with icicles and was loaded with presents. I loved to crawl under the tree, amongst the gifts, and look up at the beautiful, shiny ornaments. I remember that my favorite Christmas present was a black and white spotted wooden dog with legs which moved across the floor when I pulled him with a string. Life at Grandma’s house was pretty wonderful…a happy time full of great joy.

Suddenly, at 3 years old, my life was turned upside down by a virtual stranger when Dad returned from the war. He and I went through a long period of getting acquainted. To me he was a perfect stranger. Because I shied away from him, he often lost patience with me. He would try to force me to come to him, and when I didn’t, his discipline was usually an uproar of foul language and a beating for me. He called me a son-of-a-bitch and a no-good brat. I may not have known the meanings of the words he used, but I did know that they were derogatory and made me feel bad, as if I had done something wrong. Naturally, I kept my distance. Obviously, he had no grasp of the situation. He could not understand why I would act in that manner toward his harshness.

From what I understand, Dad’s childhood was very rough and abusive. His father was an alcoholic. There was much physical fighting and arguing, along with unusually strict discipline handed out by my grandfather. I’m sure the stress of living under such severe conditions took its toll, since all my father’s brothers had alcohol issues and their children went through their own private hells. My paternal grandmother did not manage very well under such harsh circumstance, and she experienced a complete mental breakdown. She was institutionalized in a state-run hospital for the mentally ill, where she lived for many years.

I suspect Dad’s militaristic attitude and abusive behavior was a direct result of his hitch in the army as well as his rearing at home. He was obviously unhappy and unsettled. In the service he witnessed much killing in combat and was wounded himself. I believe the violence he experienced on the battlefield and in his family growing up took its toll on him mentally. He drank booze heavily in the military when he had the opportunity and continued his drinking habit when he returned home. My mother said that he needed comfort and solace and believed alcohol to be the answer.

After having a few drinks, however, Dad’s feelings were blown totally out of proportion. He would lash out and criticize me, Mom, and everyone else who happened to be around. He was full of anger and resentment toward Mom’s family for the way they affected my upbringing, instead of being grateful for the wonderful care they gave his wife and child while he was away. In my father’s absence, Mom’s family gave Mom a great deal of support in raising me, and I would guess, pampered me. But, it’s okay to be pampered