Memory Lane

By Talented Evans

I was adopted so young I barely remember it. Although it was by blood relatives, I grew up in a loveless home with people who abused me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Too young to know how to deal with my emotions, I began to act out.

By the age of twelve, I was drinking, drugging, and smoking cigarettes. Staying in trouble became normal. I had become just as toxic as my environment. That caused me to carry a lot of baggage to college with me. There I met my first husband and my children's father. From infidelity to prison, this had to be the pettiest relationship I have ever seen or been in. The thirteen long years of heavy drinking, drugging, and domestic violence were a bad atmosphere for our girls. We were creating more damaged goods.

Once I decided to leave my train wreck of a marriage, I found the divorce to be as messy and complicated. Situations like this have a way of exposing the fake people in your life. It lets you know who is for you and who has secretly been against you. The moment I decided to do what I felt was best for me and my girls, the ridicule began, and it was relentless. I was immediately a bad mother. I had to stand my ground and defend the decisions I made. I had to show my so-called family and friends I was strong enough to stand alone. I never really had a family, just a bunch of relatives. I never had many friends, just true frenemies. It was me against the world, and I was ready for battle.

After the divorce was final and I was kid-free, my drinking, drugging, and partying spiraled out of control. This led me to people who helped me turn things around. Regardless of how bad things got, my club brothers never turned their backs on me. That's why joining a motorcycle club was one of the best decisions I ever made. It didn't hurt that when I met the sergeant at arms, I wanted one hot night with him. However, after I got to know him, I wanted him all to myself. We started as best friends, and our relationship was solid. It was definitely tested. From my children returning home, my multiple arrests, and my bad relationship with his family. Through it all, he had my back.

I had spent the majority of my life masking. Riddled with addictions to stealing, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, money, and gambling, I had a lot of self-reflecting and growing to do. All this was made possible with a stretch in the penitentiary. I had to start with separating religion and spirituality. Religion was forced on me. It was time for me to decide. My physical being may have been trapped in a cage, but my mental stability was far worse. I needed to free myself and my mentality from bondage and truly begin to heal and grow.

My life may have been an uphill battle, but I made it to the top, a much-better Mz. Talented.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 4, 2024
• ISBN: 9798889604198

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Memory Lane

Talented Evans

Copyright © 2023 Talented Evans

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2023

ISBN 979-8-88960-413-6 (pbk)

ISBN 979-8-88960-419-8 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1

Introducing Mz. Talented

Chapter 2

Growing Up

Chapter 3

School Days

Chapter 4

Kids and Marriage

Chapter 5

Divorce

Chapter 6

Frenemies

Chapter 7

Children

Chapter 8

Marriage Again

Chapter 9

Moving On

Chapter 10

Masks

Chapter 11

Addiction

Chapter 12

Prison Stories

Chapter 13

Finding Spirituality

Chapter 14

Still Mz. Talented

Definitions

About the Author

Acknowledgments

The mister, my husband, my rock, Marcus Evans. We just about killed one another during this one. No one has put up with more of my bullshit than you. No matter how bad things got, you never folded on me. I love you forever, babe.

Deborah Gills Mclemore, Aunt D. I just couldn't leave you out of this one. For some reason, you have always been on my team. I never made it easy. You never walked away. I love that we can agree to disagree. The love may be questionable to others, but it's undeniable to us. Continue to hang in there with me. It's recognized and appreciated. I love you, Auntie.

My peoples. Y'all tried to steal my thunder. Dare I say Quiet me? It kept me motivated. I thank each and every one of you who buys my books. Even if you had something negative to say. I appreciate the support. I hope all of you can finally see it's not about any of you. Nothing but love and caring for each and every one of you.

Introduction

Writing this series of books has been very therapeutic. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life. I must say, the good times most definitely outweigh the bad. I am very blessed. I cannot and will not complain.

I never want to leave the impression that my childhood was plain horrific. No one could go through that type of torment every day. I've had more than my fair share of laughs and good times, from as far back as I can remember. I'm talking about real good times. Entire family at Granny's for the holidays. So many people the kids ended up on the floor. We didn't care; we ate, got up, and played.

Birthday parties and gifts every year. I'll never forget my sister called and had my sixteenth birthday party announced on the radio. Our aunt was livid. Mostly because it was at the house. Now, everybody knows where we live. Sis did use the shelter in the neighborhood instead of our address. However, we lived across the street from the shelter. That's where the balloons were. There was nowhere to park at the shelter or on our block. People everywhere! Some smoking weed and drinking. Some playing music from their car. This is a quiet neighborhood. Sis turned it out for my sweet sixteen. Plus, I got a car. I was pumped! A good day remembered as well as the bad ones.

Christmas gifts were not only under the tree, they were wrapped around the wall. My aunt and uncle took a week's vacation every year, and we were guaranteed to go somewhere. They made sure we went to fairs and concerts. Me and sis went to Mom's when there was a big party or when we wanted to go to the club. We had a ride to and from school dances and all the games. Away games included. My uncle even paid for our friends to get in from time to time.

The fights could be a book of their own. Out of our entire clique, I don't think anyone fought more than me and sis. We have dragged people in the front door, served the hands, and tossed them out the side door. When sis went to junior high, I was still in elementary for a year. She got on my bus to get with three girls threatening to jump me.

I was five feet six, but at eleven, three was too many. With two more hands, we got this. Plus, as a walker, she caught a ride up the street before she got off. We would meet people to fight. We fought on the bus stop, at school, and in restaurants. I have even fought in church. We had no problem throwing hands when and wherever you wanted it. Fighting is the one bad thing we never got in trouble for, as long as we didn't start it.

Some people say I still have unresolved issues. I say we all have issues. Some of us have more than others. One issue I see is others having an issue with how I do me. How I handle certain situations. How I can and will walk away from anyone. That is their issue. I refuse to add that mess back to my plate.

I have been as mean and evil as any villain. I have done as much dirt as the next person. I am no saint. I have found a way to keep people at bay while enjoying my life. Could my mouth use a filter? Of course. However, I am a lot better than I used to be. As long as I continue to make daily progress on myself and my demeanor, I am okay with me. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that matters. I must be happy with me.

My uncle didn't have to love me. Kids do not come with a manual. Even if they did, I was not normal. I thank God for him. I thank him for the good times and the bad. He walked me down the aisle on his birthday. It takes real love to be there for someone else on their special day and it's also your day. He made some huge mistakes. I no longer hold it against him. He's really a great guy. Especially as he gracefully ages.

No one is going to be a perfect parent. We just try to love our kids and do the best we can. Most do what they know and see. My uncle was a military brat. His father was tough on him and his brothers. Tough was all he knew. He raised us the same way. Failing to keep in mind we were girls. Was it a bit much? Yes! Did I die? No! He was a drill sergeant, and I was defiant. I, in no way, made it easy. I had anger issues, among other things, that were never properly addressed. I'm not defending anything; I'm just accepting my part in the problem.

I will always believe God makes no mistakes. I'm so selfish I also believe he put my uncle in my aunt's life, to be in mine. He was supposed to be in my life. After all I've been through with him, you'd probably find it hard to believe I have more love for him than my aunt. She did adopt me. However, she later turned me over to him. He molded me. He helped make me who I am. He hurt me, but what he taught me lasted longer than the pain. He gave me all my drive and motivation. Without my uncle, I wouldn't have the confidence and thick skin I'm in. I wouldn't be Mz. Talented.

I heard everything he was telling me growing up. I was too stubborn to use it early in life. I wanted to make my own mistakes, not take them from him. That's not his fault. The wild things I did when I was younger have nothing to do with how they raised me. I went off the rails because I wanted to. I'm not proud of a lot of my actions. I'm just not ashamed of them.

I had to get knocked down several times in life. I had to learn a lot of lessons as an adult that could have been avoided. All I had to do was listen as a child and teen. Eventually, I had to fight through my emotions and figure out my triggers, or I would never truly heal. I really had to let go. I couldn't continue to use old behavior as an excuse to mistreat people. I would never be whole or good for anyone. I would remain toxic, and that is not an option.

Outside of lost loved ones, the only thing in this life you can't get back is time. Don't waste it on anger and bitterness. I sweep a lot of situations not under the rug but out my front door. I just refuse to waste my time and energy on them. Nothing is guaranteed. Including tomorrow. Our time here is limited. It should be spent smiling and enjoying it as much as possible.

It feels good to let go. You would be surprised how many people have gone through some of the same things in life as you. They are just ashamed, afraid, or haven't found the outlet to speak up. No one is exempt from pain and suffering. This trip down memory lane will show you that. Be blessed and be a blessing.

Yesterday Is Gone

I dedicate this first book to my husband, Marcus Evans. I have been sitting on this book for a long time. You did not pressure me. Instead, you continued to encourage me. You have been there through some of the most difficult times of my life. You stood behind me when I couldn't write and were as excited as me when I finally finished.

Thank you for all the love and support. You're the best, baby. I love you!

Chapter 1

Introducing Mz. Talented

I told myself a long time ago that I would never give up on me. It's never too late to make it, no matter what you're trying to make it at. Like most, you may not make it on the first attempt. How will you know if you don't keep trying? You'll get a little further each time. Your idea of making it may be different from the next person's. Worrying about someone else will trip you up in life. You have got to do you. There will always be someone moving differently than you. Watch your own steps, and you will be all right.

I always knew I couldn't please all the people all the time. Now I don't even worry about pleasing some of the people some of the time. Most of the people we deal with on a daily basis are fake anyway. They don't really want to see you do good or make it. You have to want it for yourself and be able to push past the judgment, regardless of whom you have to cut off or how many feelings you may hurt. So-called friends, family, or relatives will stand in your way if you allow them.

Sometimes family can be your worst enemy. That's why I draw a line between family and relatives. The people you meet and develop a relationship with sometimes treat you more like family than the people you are related to. I came to the realization that I can't say that I love all my relatives. Just because we share the same blood does not mean I have to love you. Nor does it make you family to me. You will always be a relative, I can't change that. However, I have some cousins I have only seen a couple of times. How can you honestly say you love someone you don't even know? There is a difference between loving, caring, and liking someone that people seem to confuse. That causes a lot of problems that can be avoided.

Even if it's the people closest to you, you have to learn to love you regardless of what they are saying or how they feel. It doesn't matter what you do, someone is always going to have something to say. So do what makes you happy. No one can live your life better than you, and you only get one. Do the most that you can with it. Live it instead of existing in it.

I'm not saying you should be irresponsible. We are all adults and should know what it takes to maintain a household. We must pay bills and have necessities. I'm just saying that's all you need. Everything else is a want.

I see so many people today sucked into what society wants them to do, doing what society thinks is best for them. I don't think they realize they pass that judgment on to the people around them. They need the latest phone; they need the new Jordans. If you don't have it, you must not be doing good. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with purchasing any of these items. I am saying make sure you have the proper bank account for it.

I'm one to live below my means because I want greater later. So I'm judged anytime I'm around some people. I used to get the Jordans and the latest devices for myself and both of my girls. I decided I don't need that to do me. I just started looking at the big picture. The money I'm spending on this could be used elsewhere. I stopped buying Jordans and started paying cash for my vehicles. I stopped buying the latest devices and got a washer and dryer. I believe it's not what you wear; it's how you wear it. I will rack up at the Goodwill.

We pay less than we can afford for rent. We buy what we need and enjoy each other. We do go out, just not every weekend. It's the same shit every weekend in the club. I started early, so, I'm not impressed. Some weekends we will cut off our phones, will grill and rent movies. It's not always about spending a lot of money, even if you have it. You will still have it to do better things. I'm more concerned with stacking to own my own home than go out having drinks. Not to mention it's cheaper to get drunk at home.

People are going to judge you. So let them. You cannot run around feeling sorry for yourself or others. Trust me, no one is running around feeling sorry for you. I'm not saying be mean and nasty. More like you can't save every puppy in the pound. You must always make sure you take care of yourself and your home before you can reach out to help others. They will not put themselves out for you. You will soon notice some people are only around when they need something. Their love extends as far as your help. Let those people go now.

Life is what you make it. I had to learn to love myself after everything I went through as a child. This is not a sob story. I know we all have something that we went through coming up. Some have gone through far worse than I have. No one had a perfect childhood. It's unheard of. My kids didn't either and could probably write a book about me. My goal is to encourage, to have self-love and better behavior in general. Some things are uncalled for.

It's not how you start the race, it's how you finish. My life started bad, got worse, and spiraled out of control for a while, and then I reined it in. The number of people that remained by my side is slim. You most definitely have to be willing to finish the race alone. People you thought were solid will fall by the wayside.

My misfortune started when I was adopted by my aunt. I don't agree with If you knew better, you'd do better. More like, You knew better, so you should've done better. We all know right from wrong. We have to stop making excuses.

All the situations in my life caused me to have my fair share of battles and struggles with religion. Forcing a child to go to church all the time growing up can actually do more harm than good. Going to church three or four days a week as a child made me not want to go at all once I was older. I only made my kids go on Sunday. When I left home, I didn't go for years. No one could make me, and I needed a break. At one point, I lost all faith in a higher being. As cliche as it sounds, I didn't find him until I went to prison.

What made my experience even worse was my great-grandmother was first lady. Her husband was the meanest bishop I have ever encountered in my life. He used to make the hottest chili. I always felt like he was doing that on purpose. No one makes chili that hot for kids. Crackers, milk, or water would not help the burn. I did not like chili for years after that. He would make that anytime we came over. I ended up eating Vienna sausages. I couldn't do it. His excuse was it was a cheap way to feed all of us. All he had to do was dial back the heat. On top of that, they kept the furnace on hell, and he always ran my bath water piping hot. I would have to tell Grandma it was too hot to get in, and she would add some cold water. All the while, he was bitching about wasting water. So it is hot as hell in here, you just fed me chili that was a million degrees, and now you want me to sit in this hot-ass tub? He was trying to burn the sin out of me.

Nonetheless, I believe in a higher being and feel like he makes no mistakes. I was where I was meant to be according to his plan. I needed all or some of this to become the person he wanted me to be. I'm finally at a point where I can thank them for the thick skin. Although I had my fair share, I'm sure it saved me a lot more heartache and pain.

As a child, I felt nothing but resentment. I was abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. I felt like I would have been better off if they had left me where I was. Although I loved my aunt, her boyfriend was weird and strict. I did everything in my power to get sent back to the foster home. It was not going down. They eventually married and are still together. That changed nothing I had to endure by his hands. She allowed him to do a lot of damage to me. I could not, for the life of me, figure out why her boyfriend was doing all the punishing and chastising. The whoopings were not normal.

He would make me lie down on the bed in just my undies, hands behind my back with my legs together. He'd then hold both of my hands together in his left hand and put his foot on my ankles, then strike me with a belt repeatedly. The number of times depended on the nature of the infraction and how angry it made him. Growing up with him was a fat kid's nightmare. The name-calling and body-shaming was endless. I was Fat Ass, Big Momma, Fatty, greedy, lazy. Once I got older, Fat Ass, greedy, and lazy remained a constant. Wench, selfish, bully—I wouldn't have any friends if I wasn't so big and aggressive or did not have my sister was added. His words and the way he treated me made me an angry and aggressive person. I'm not blaming anyone for the actions or decisions that I made. I did what I did. I had to deal with it. When you look behind the scenes though, maybe you will understand.

As kids we depend on our parents. Hearing things like Look at Big Momma getting bigger and bigger or, my all-time favorite, I can hear you swelling, should not happen to a child while walking to the kitchen for a cup of water. A grown man should never pin down a little boy, much less a little girl, and fart in her face, then have the nerve to get up and laugh. Nothing is funny about that. He should never say, Make her plate first because she must be the hungriest, not because I'm a child. There were times I was too embarrassed to eat.

I don't have a problem with making a child do any form of exercise that's safe for them. However, I don't think you should put a child on display, in the middle of the living room, doing sit-ups while the rest of the family is watching, counting, and sometimes giggling.

The worst thing he did was make me bathe with the door open. I remember the very first time it happened. He made me stand in front of the sink while he stood in the doorway, giving me instructions on how to soap my rag and in what order to wash my body. I had to do it standing in front of the sink a few more times. Then I could take a bath. When I asked why he had to keep watching, he said it was because I was fat and he had to make sure I was doing it right. I had been washing my own ass for years, and now he felt like I needed assistance. All this behavior will kill any form of self-confidence a little person may have.

I was too young to fight him, so I acted out in ways you would not believe. I screamed for help. Either no one noticed or no one cared. Either way, I was taking my aggressions out at school. I was always top of my class with grades, so it was hard for my teachers to believe I was doing some of these things and I would get a pass. I had to go all in. My voice needed to be heard.

I was out of control in school. I made sure I got good grades. My behavior, on the other hand, showed that I was a troubled child. I did not listen to teachers, principals, or anyone else. I pulled fire alarms and locked classroom doors and bathroom doors. I was always in the principal's office for fighting. I even remember sliding down the front hall in my slip. That was just in kindergarten.

In second grade, I flipped my bus driver the bird and walked just over two miles to school. Although I was only seven, I knew how to get to school. I rode that bus to and from school five days a week. I really just wanted to walk. I wanted to be away from people after the night I had.

I stayed in trouble about my chores. I had to eat cornflakes for dinner while everyone else had a hot meal. This happened on more than one occasion. I've had to eat bologna sandwiches while watching them eat McDonald's. All because of my chores or his hatred for me. Sometimes, I chose not to eat at all.

I stopped caring about a lot of things at an early age. If no one else cared, why should I? So getting in trouble did not bother me. Sometimes it was actually fun to see them get so angry. If I had a bad night, the next day at school was probably worse.

I would try to stay to myself, but that didn't always work. People just playing with me would find themselves beat up because I didn't know how to handle the aggression in my life. I stayed in a fight.

All the wrong people used to ask me why I was so bad, saying things like me and my sister had it made. They were on the outside looking in. We were not rich by far. They did make it comfortable though. We had a half court, ping-pong table, volleyball net (with shuttlecock for badminton), croquet set, tennis rackets, baseball equipment, and stereo in the backyard. We even had a pool table and gaming systems inside. We didn't need to leave the house if we did not want to. My sister and I had cars in the driveway for our sixteenth birthday. We had it pretty good materially. At what expense though?

We always had houseguests. Almost everyone on both sides of the family stayed with us growing up. Any family member who just got out of jail or prison, got evicted, or needed to leave a parent's house stayed with us. Whenever his brothers got out of prison and stayed with us, it was the worst. These grown-ass men would expose themselves to children, coming to the bedroom door with an open house coat and nothing under it. They would wait until they thought we were sleep and watch us while stroking their penis. They would run around drunk and high all day.

We were touched and preyed on by many. Too much touching and feeling was going on. We were unsupervised a lot, especially during the day and on weekends. Some cousins were experimenting, and some were being experimented on. Either way, it was wrong. No child should lose their virginity to a family member. It has happened a lot in this family, even in situations between a sister and half-brother.

By the time I made it to junior high, I was learning to love me. I still wasn't all the way there, but I had put most of my feelings in my pocket by this time. There was really nothing a kid could say about me in school that would bother me. I had heard all the fat jokes at home. They didn't bother me. I had been body shamed for so long I was no longer ashamed of my body. Someone had been looking at it every day while I was bathing. There was no point in being shy now. Something must be right with it. I had already felt like the fattest, ugliest kid in elementary school. Time to try something else.

My grandmother died