It's Never Not Been You

By M.E. Clayton

What happens when you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life?

You do whatever it takes to make it right.

Raddix
For all intents and purposes, Raddix McKay had the perfect life. He’d been raised like every child in the world should be raised, and that was with loving parents, a supportive sibling, and the best of friends. There was also the fact that he’d been fortunate enough to have met the love of his life during his sophomore year of high school, and there was no doubt that she truly was the love of his life.

When he decides that he’s done working for someone else, he embarks on the dream of owning his own engineering firm, and his brother and best friend eagerly come along for the bumpy ride. With all three men determined, hard-working, and intelligent as hell, the dream is no longer just a dream when he turns his ambitions into reality, failure not being an option.

Madison
For all intents and purposes, Madison Amber had the perfect life. Blessedly, her childhood hadn’t been a poor or neglected one. She’d been fortunate enough to be able to live her younger years out like all children should be able to, carefree and full of forgivable mistakes. She’d also been lucky enough to find the boy of her dreams during high school, and he’d only grown up to become the man of her dreams.

When she finds herself supporting a wild idea, she’s all in, no questions asked. With her career already secured, she had no fears or doubts about her future. She also didn’t care how much blood, sweat, and tears it was going to take for all their dreams to come true. As far as she was concerned, failure wasn’t the end of the world. It was brave to try something new, even if it didn’t turn out successful.

When the price of your dreams is too high...
When things don’t turn out as planned, Raddix McKay finds himself in the middle of a situation that he never imagined could happen. With only a few thoughtless words, his entire world is upended, and it doesn’t even matter that Madison Amber has been his whole life for the past fifteen years.

When things don’t turn out as planned, Madison Amber finds herself escaping a heartbreak that she never imagined could happen. For fifteen years, she’d never had any doubts about her relationship with Raddix McKay, but she had them now. In fact, she had too damn many.

A year later, she’s back in town, having missed her family too much to stay away. A year later, he’s been doing nothing but waiting for her to come back. When they finally come face-to-face, she’s ready to flee again because the man that she left behind is not the same man that wants her back at all costs.

NOTE: This book contains adult language, adult situations, explicit sexual encounters, mention of alcoholism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. If sensitive to any of the aforementioned issues, please do not purchase.

• Language: English
• Publisher: M.E. Clayton
• Release date: May 1, 2024
• ISBN: 9798215108055

M.E. Clayton

M.E. Clayton works fulltime and writes as a hobby only. She is also an avid reader and Pinterest addict. When she's not working, reading, writing, or on Pinterest, she is spending time with her family and friends, or her dog, Boy, or her cat, Seatbelt. She lives in California with her husband and enjoys doing nothing but reading. Seriously. She does nothing but read. However, that's how she likes it.

Book preview

Just a couple of things before I let you go and get your read on. While I am doing my best to work with better editing and proofreading software, all my books are solo, independent works. I write my books, proofread my books, edit my books, create the covers, etc. I have one beta who gives me feedback on my stories, but other than that, all my books are independent projects.

That being said, I apologize, in advance, for the typos, grammar inconsistencies, or any other mistakes I may make. Since writing is strictly a hobby for me, I haven’t looked into commitments in regard to publishers, editors, etc. My hope is that my stories are enjoyable enough that a few mistakes, here and there, can be overlooked. However, if you’re a stickler for grammar, my books are probably not for you.

Also, I am an avid reader-I mean an AVID reader. I love to read above any other hobby. However, the only downside to my reading obsession is when I fall in love with a series, but I have to wait for the additional books to come out. So, because I feel that disappointment down to my soul, when I started publishing my works, I vowed to publish all books in my series all at once. No waiting here…LOL. Now, the exception to that will be if enough readers request additional stories based off the standalone, such as in Facing the Enemy. At that point, if I decide to move forward with a requested series, I will make sure all additional books are available all at once. As much as this is a hobby for me, I am writing these books for all of you, as well as myself.

Thank you for everything!

Contact Me

I really appreciate you reading my book and I would love to hear from you! Now, unfortunately, because I do have a full-time job and one part-time job, plus a family that I love spending time with, I’m not very active on social media. However, for the sites I do participate in, here are my social media coordinates:

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Dedication

For all those who love a second chance.

Playlist

Broken – Seether ft. Amy Lee

I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt

It’s Not Over – Daughtry

It Will Rain – Burno Mars

Lotta Love – Nicolette Larson

Stay the Night – Benjamin Orr

Look What You’ve Done To Me – Boz Scaggs

Helium – Sia

Us – James Bay

It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over – Lenny Kravitz

Prologue

Are you sure you want to do this?

My jaw ticked, my irritation obvious. Stop it, I hissed under my breath. Quit asking me that.

Dude, I’m just trying to help you out, Troy insisted under his breath. Instead of looking at all that tits and ass last night, you freaked out, saying that you couldn’t do this.

I know what I said, I snapped, keeping my voice low.

"And you said it all fucking night long, ignoring the entire bachelor party, he reminded me. That’s not cold feet, Raddix. That’s something different."

I looked over at my best friend, wondering where in the hell my brother was. Does it matter? My eyes darted around at all the people seated inside the church. No matter what I said last night, I am not about to humiliate Madison in front of all our family and friends.

Troy let out a rude snort. Yeah, because that’s way worse than marrying her when you’re not sure if you really want to. I mean, who doesn’t want to be divorced five years later, fighting over custody of the kids.

Can you just shut up? I hissed.

She’ll understand-

Oh, yeah, I scoffed. I can totally see her understanding how I let things get this far. Not only does that make me an asshole, but it also makes me a goddamn coward. Turning from Troy, I looked around the church. Where in the fuck is Caspian?

Not sure, he answered noncommittally. Probably banging one of the bridesmaids somewhere.

I looked down at my feet, taking in a deep breath. I loved Madison with all my fucking heart, so it wasn’t a question of love. Honestly, I had no idea why I’d been feeling so unsure about marrying her last night. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t loved her as deeply as I did, and I couldn’t see the rest of my life without her in it. Still, I was only thirty, had just started my own company, and I felt the pressures of providing the perfect life for her like a goddamn anvil on my chest.

Maybe it really was just cold feet.

Murmurs and gasps had my head jerking back up to see what was going on. With my luck, Caspian might really be screwing one of the bridesmaids, someone had caught them, and she was probably married just to top this fucking day off.

However, it wasn’t anything like that at all.

My breath caught in my throat as I noticed Madison making her way out of the side door that’d been assigned to the bridal party. Her mother, sister, and best friend were walking behind her, but they were just blurs in the background.

Fuck, I’d never seen anything so goddamn beautiful.

Snapping myself out of my thoughts, it quickly dawned on me that something must be wrong, because I wasn’t supposed to see Madison until she started walking down the aisle towards me. Those were the rules, right?

Quickly meeting her halfway, I immediately noticed the tears in her whiskey-colored gaze, and panic seized my heart. Baby, what’s wrong?

Madison didn’t say a word as I watched her pull off her engagement ring, then reach out, take my hand, securing it safely in my palm.

What the fuck?

I could feel dread crawling up my spine, wrapping itself around my throat. Mad, what are you doing? The church was as quiet as a tomb, so everyone could hear me, but I didn’t care about that right now. All I cared about was why my bride-to-be had just taken off her engagement ring.

With her brown eyes shining painfully, she said, I guess you forgot that you were mic’ed up for the videographer.

I started shaking my head in a panic. No, I rushed out, feeling like I might have a heart attack on the spot. No, no, no, no…don’t do this, baby. God, please…Mad, don’t do this-

Now there won’t be any fighting over custody of the kids later, she said, her tears finally falling, and I could feel my knees actually fucking buckle.

Madison- She turned to leave, but I quickly reached out, grabbing her arm. Mad-

Wrenching her arm out of my hold, she hissed, "Do not touch me, Raddix."

Rather than cause a scene, I let her go, wondering what in the fuck I was going to do now.

Chapter 1

Raddix – ((One Year Later)~

Quit acting like a goddamn amateur and just get it done, I snapped into the phone, ready to fling it across the room.

You really need to start smoking weed. I closed my eyes, shaking my head at the ridiculous advice. Seriously.

Opening my eyes, I turned to see my brother walking into my office. What do you want, Caspian?

His head jerked in amusement. It’s good to see you, too.

I saw you this morning at the budget meeting, I reminded him. What do you want now?

My brother’s face softened, and there was nothing worse than seeing pity for you in someone’s eyes. A year later, and Caspian was still looking at me like he felt sorry for me, and Troy kept looking at me like I was a wounded tiger, ready to turn on its owner.

Regardless, if it hadn’t been for the clusterfuck that was my life, McKay Engineering wouldn’t be worth millions like it was now. In just a little under two years, I had turned my dream into a reality, and so what if I’d had to work twenty hours a day to accomplish my success? I’d done it, and with Caspian being the CFO, and with Troy being one of our corporate attorneys, they should be grateful for my self-inflicted punishment over these past twelve months. All three of us had enough commas in our bank accounts to leave our marks on the financial world now.

As for my parents, Ethan and Rosemary McKay, they’d also been great throughout this past year. Dad was a family attorney, and Mom was a supervisor for a communications company, so they’d been a fountain of information and help while I’d been trying to get the company up and running successfully. Unlike a lot of people, I’d been fortunate enough to be born to good humans, which had given me and Caspian a leg up in life, no matter what people believed about privilege. My parents were the type that loved their children even through their fuckups, and I had fucked up a lot in life. I had always teetered the line between good and bad, keeping them up at night many times. Granted, my sins hadn’t been quite as horrifying as my brother’s, but I’d still given my parents a few headaches during my lifetime.

Yeah, like last year.

I was also lucky that my brother and I had grown up close. Only a year apart-because Dad could never keep his hands off Mom-Caspian and I had really grown up the best of friends. Even when Troy had come into the picture, his friendship hadn’t changed how close Caspian and I had been and still were. All Troy’s presence had done was create The Three Musketeers.

Our closeness was another reason that Caspian had thrown caution to the wind and had joined McKay Engineering as my CFO. Even though McKay Engineering had originally been my brainchild, I couldn’t have done it without my parents, my brother, or my best friend. Determined to succeed, they still never would have thought less of me had I failed, and that kind of support could make all the difference in the world.

Nevertheless, for all of my success and appreciation for my family, nothing helped with the nothingness that continued to eat away at my chest. Nothing made me happy, and in all honesty, nothing should. While I might deserve to be successful, I didn’t deserve to be happy. I also knew that it was pointless to try. I’d had my happiness, and I had pissed it away because I was a stupid fuck, something that no one could convince me of otherwise.

I watched as my brother quietly stepped back to shut my office door, and the hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. While Caspian and I often had meetings behind closed doors, it was his deliberate motion that gave me pause.

After shutting the door, my brother looked back at me, and he was looking at me like I was a stranger. He was looking at me like he had no idea how to speak to me, and that was worrisome. Except for one other person, Caspian knew me best out of all the other people in the world.

What’s going on? I finally asked, not sure if I wanted him to answer.

She’s back, Raddix, he announced, and I could feel all the air in my lungs vanish in a painful suffocation of emotions.

What? I finally asked when my lungs begun working again.

She’s back, he repeated.

Even though I felt lightheaded, I stood up from my desk, my fists at my sides. How…how do you know that?

I saw her, he answered.

Where? I shook my head in shock. When?

Caspian stepped further into my office until he was leaning against the small conference table positioned to the right of the room, basked in the sunlight that shined through this side of the building. While my office was big, it wasn’t very fancy. I had chosen to go with the standard décor that had been chosen for the building, though I had paid a fortune for my desk chair since I spent so much time in it.

I ran into River a couple of days ago, and she let it slip that Madison was back in town, he explained. Though she’d been quick to catch herself, it’d been too late to pretend as if she’d been about to say something different.

And you didn’t say anything? I practically hissed.

I wanted to be sure before I said something to you, he replied. I didn’t want to get you all worked up for nothing.

While that was fair, it still didn’t help. "You said that you saw her."

After I spoke with River, I called Bernie, told him what I’d heard, then let him do his thing.

When Madison had vanished on me, I had hired Bernie Kroger to hunt her down. He was a private investigator with years of police and military work under his belt, and