I Never Wanted To Be Gay... (but does anyone?)

By Al Walz

About the Book
In I never wanted to be gay... (but does anyone?), Al Walz shares thoughts, poems, and free-form essays in his autobiographical journey of his coming out process and accepting his sexuality. Hoping to connect with others who also were or are conflicted, thinking he’d be always considered a minority, Walz found his own way to deal with this new information, knowing each of us will also meander at our own pace, during this period.
Walz taps into his aggression, anger, sadness, hopelessness, and strength with humor, wit, sarcasm, and creative expression (poetry, diatribes, stories) of his own life experiences, which helped him stay sane, positive, hopeful, and optimistic. His views may be outdated (from 1992-98), and shouldn’t be taken out of context. He knows how troublesome it can be for one to come to terms with something that feels like it may detour your life, send you in a downward spiral, and have you thinking you may never be happy, content, or joyful with day to day existing.
In 2023, Walz thinks our world has come closer to being onboard with the idea that being gay is not a choice and doesn't define who you are. It’s one aspect of our being, and honestly, sometimes, now, he feels like it’s been a blessing (not a curse).
“It’s opened myself up to accepting and embracing other marginalized groups, sharing in the “big picture” that we're all just humans, trying to cohabitate freely and openly, while we’re on this planet, for just our own brief time.”
About the Author
Al Walz resides in southern California, where he continues to work on exploring and expanding his artistic endeavors—visual, abstract, mixed-media pieces, singing, and writing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: RoseDog Books
• Release date: Nov 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9798890278081

Book preview

Be real

Be visual

Be social

Be cynical

Be original

Be suicidal

Be political

Be individual

Be abnormal

Be homosexual

Be controversial

Be unconventional

Be confrontational

Be. Al

An internal, personal & emotional journal

I never wanted to be gay...

That is my truth. I mean, why would anyone want to be? Isn’t life hard enough already, without having to add in the fact that you’re a minority and attracted to the same sex?

We’ve been taught that life coexists between men and women, and in order for it to continue, procreation must happen through these two sexes. We’re taught to learn throughout our formative years (K- grade 12), to graduate, get a secondary education (in four more years), graduate again, get a professional job, get married, and have children. That was the structure of life implanted in me. Nowhere in there did it say anything about falling in love with another man, and creating a life of your own, whatever that may be?

I’ve spent a good 10 years +, fighting and struggling against this, trying to come to some sort of conclusion of how the others (homosexuals, minorities, and those who don’t fit the white middle class mold of historical American society) are supposed to live, and what our structure is supposed to be like, and am slowly, finally, figuring it all out.

After infinitely endless hours of therapy, reading self-help books, thousands of nights spent crying, pretending to be someone else, and moving around from job to job, city to city, I think I have come up with a conclusion. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, black, white, rich, poor - we’re all here doing the best we can. And we’re only going to be here for what is actually a blink in time in history, so why not live your truth, whatever that may be? Why spend so many days, nights, weeks, months, and years pretending to be something that you know doesn’t really fit into your grand scheme of things, but yet, this is what you think you are supposed to do, because no one has shown/taught you otherwise? Whether it be living in the closet, pretending to be butch when you’re really femme (and vice-versa), getting married and having kids (even though you’re not really sure you want them - you just feel like you’re supposed to), or working a corporate, nine-to-five, forty-plus hours a week job, for so many years, to then realize you’ve done nothing else but that.

Even though we are taught a generalized structure of living, doesn’t mean we really have to follow it. Won’t it mean much more to us in the long run, knowing we followed our hearts and truths and broke away from that structure, as hard as it may be, but now living our lives on our own terms? This is something I know I would like, and pretty much what I have done, and continue to do so, which is the topic for this essay - living on your own terms, following your bliss, exploring your passions and doing them. Whatever it may sound like to you, it’s all good. It’s your life and you only get one chance to live it. What’s stopping you?

I understand. I’ve been there. I know what slowed me down in never fully thinking that I could do that; that I was allowed to, but I’m here to tell you that it’s ok, and it’s never too late to start. At 53, I’m ready to take charge of my life and stop living like I’m programmed to think that this is how I’m supposed to live. And this is my story...

I am Al (one)

With my thoughts, in my head,

With my books, in my bed,

With my music, in my car,

At a club, at a bar.

With my dinner, in my house,

Silent stirring, as a mouse.

With Red Vines, at the movies,

Or outside, among the trees.

On my bike, at the gym,

Next to her, next to him,

When I meditate, it is wanted,

Aggravated, I am haunted.

When I’m on line, I am hidden,