Breaking Bad Patterns: 60 Ways to Free Yourself from a Life Stuck on Repeat

By Simon Harper

Have you ever felt trapped in the relentless grip of negative loops, where patterns and habits from the past seem to repeat themselves again, again and again? Do childhood experiences and traumatic events cast a shadow over your present, leaving you longing for a different future?

In this eye-opening book, psychotherapist Simon Harper shares his insights and expertise to help you unravel the bad patterns that are holding you back in life. Through introspection and self-reflection, you’ll gain a profound understanding of how these cycles unfold and the role you play in perpetuating them.

Breaking Bad Patterns is a powerful and practical guide to overcoming anxiety, depression, addiction and other emotional challenges. With a strong emphasis on social anxiety, this transformative book delves into the gripping fear of rejection and offers valuable strategies to navigate through its paralysing effects.

This isn’t just another self-help book. It’s an empowering companion that teaches you how to rewrite the old stories that live in your emotional brain. So why wait? Unlock your true potential by learning how to break free from bad patterns and start living the best life you can.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Troubador Publishing Ltd
• Release date: Feb 28, 2024
• ISBN: 9781739387310

Simon Harper

Simon Harper is an accredited Psychotherapist in his third decade of clinical practice. Being a survivor of complex trauma has led to a refreshing perspective of knowing what it is like to live with a traumatised brain. He graduated with distinction from Derby University with his Master of Science degree in Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy.

Book preview

9781739387310.jpg

First published and distributed in the United Kingdom by Mind Patterns Press

Copyright 2024 © Simon Harper

The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be produced by any mechanical, photographic or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or otherwise be copied for public or private use, other than ‘fair use’ as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews, without prior written permission of the publisher.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Cover design by Tim Barber, Dissect Designs.

Illustrations by Gemma Hastilow.

Hardback ISBN 978 1739387 303

Ebook ISBN 978 1739387 310

To Tanya, my rock, and Tom and Max.

You have been the best teachers I could wish for.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for psychological, or physical problems without the advice of a doctor, either directly or indirectly. Always consult a medical practitioner. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional wellbeing. Any use of information in this book is at the reader’s discretion and risk. Neither the author nor publisher can be held responsible for any loss, claim or damage arising out of the use, or misuse, of the suggestions made, or the failure to take medical advice.

Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and to obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologises for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

How to Use This Book

Conclusion

Afterword

Acknowledgements

Can You Help Please?

Appendix

The Pattern Decoding Model Template

The 60 Techniques

Illustrations by Gemma Hastilow

Notes

Foreword

Writing this book has been the product of a lifelong quest to make sense of how we become prisoners of our past. From a very young age, I have been fascinated by the meaning of life, and while I haven’t answered that question, I believe I can help to make sense of various psychological patterns of behaviour that keep us on auto-repeat. By using my Pattern Decoding Model (PDM), you will discover that what you do to prevent your worst fears from happening, is often, paradoxically, the very reason that they then occur.

The brain is in some ways similar to big tech companies that use sophisticated algorithms to gather data so that they can target the consumer. You also have your own personal algorithms that unconsciously and automatically set you on a course where your present quickly mirrors the past. The way you then behave in the present creates a future that is very similar to what you have already experienced. If you want to decode your unique, personal algorithms, this is the book for you.

I have always been interested in patterns and wondered why people do what they do. Many years ago, I was drawn to reading a book about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), as many theoretical aspects made a lot of sense to me. Here was an array of evidence-based techniques that were proven to work, and the theory helped me begin to understand pattern repetition. I was hooked and enrolled on a three-year Master’s degree to train as a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist.

My clinical practice is centred on what I learnt during my training: specifically, a very strong emphasis on case formulation. This involves identifying the problem and looking at what keeps it going. A treatment plan is then developed and the client is given homework to do between sessions. There really is no substitute for repeated practice.

My focus has always been on using techniques that make sense theoretically and work in the real world. Transformation and change involve a process that requires commitment in order to break the bad patterns of your past. It is my sincere desire that what I have learned will help you to become unstuck and remove the undesirable cycle of auto-repeat. Once you become aware of your automated psychological patterns, you can switch to manual, and start to make conscious choices that reflect who you want to become.

I think now is as good a time as any to move away from any preconceptions that, as a therapist, I have somehow morphed into a human being who is always happy and in total control of my life. Whilst I have come a long way since my traumatic teenage years, I still have to work on myself every single day. I now do the best I can, as that is all anyone can do. For the longest time, I pursued perfection before discovering that it is the ultimate illusion.

I have decided not to use anonymised case examples from my clinical practice as teaching points and instead used my own experiences, as I know what it is like to struggle with mental health issues. During my teenage years, after thousands of experiences of being bullied, both at home and school, I developed Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Unfortunately, it would be another thirty years or so until I discovered the diagnosis and how this had impacted on my life.

This book is not a memoir of those experiences, but I will share details of my traumatic childhood if there is something for you to learn from them. If you want to understand more fully what it is like to live with CPTSD, I recommend Stephanie Foo’s poignant What My Bones Know.¹

I can say that if I hadn’t had CPTSD, this book would never have been written, as being a complex trauma survivor, together with my training, has given me a unique insight into the brain’s inner workings. I learned to decode my own patterns through an understanding of different psychological theories, along with my personal experiences of being caught up in bad patterns for years and years. Time and time again I would notice what triggered big emotions in me, and how my brain made instantaneous associations with my past history.

I spent decades looking for the ‘best’ techniques to ‘fix’ myself as I felt as if I was broken in some way. If you have been bullied in any shape or form you will know how difficult it is to believe in yourself. Destructive criticism slowly erodes self-esteem, like water flowing over rocks. Over time there is nothing left, except despair.

At the age of eighteen, I found a small bookshop tucked away in the middle of an old airfield. Here I discovered shelves of self-help books offering different paths to positive change. I was a frequent visitor, ever hopeful that the next book might contain the key to transformation, and ultimately turn me into a happy human being. Could this be the one to have the answers I was looking for?

So started my lifelong journey in the field of psychology and personal transformation. I would try anything if I thought it would make me happy. I studied Zen Buddhism, Tibetan Buddhism, Vipassana Meditation, Transcendental Meditation, used affirmations, and became a workshop junkie. I visited astrologers, psychics, mediums and healers, bought crystals, lucid dream machines, flower essences, and tried many alternative treatments.

Over the years I banged drums, stood on stage shouting out power phrases, tapped into my ‘inner warrior’, spent days in silence, reflected on zen koans, and was a regular at various mind, body and spirit festivals. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, nothing really worked for more than a few days at best, which was deeply disappointing and reinforced my feeling of being broken.

After seeing the Dalai Lama in London and other Lamas at various retreats, I was struck by how happy they were. I had never seen happiness like this. They chuckled and laughed in a way that was a sight to behold. Whatever they were doing worked for them. It now makes sense from a neurological standpoint, as I discovered that we all have the potential to rewire our brains. During my constant search for the elusive state of happiness, I realised there was no substitute for studying the human mind in as scientific a way as possible. A psychology degree fitted the bill.

During my degree, I went to New Jersey USA on an exchange programme to study ‘theories of personality’. This featured many of the eminent psychologists of the last century, and whilst fascinating, many theories seemed outdated. I was left with more questions than answers. I decided that being a client and experiencing different psychotherapies was the next step I would take.

I started by seeing a Jungian analyst, but the sessions didn’t seem to relate to my real-world experiences. A whole session was devoted to exploring a dream I had had the night before. His interpretations or ‘guesses’ seemed bizarre, and I left feeling more confused and upset than ever.

Perhaps screaming out my pain would relieve me of my suffering? My Primal Scream therapy took place in a padded room, with a lovely warm therapist. However as much as she encouraged me to scream, to let it all out, I remained steadfastly silent. Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to scream from the rooftops about my past injustices, but I was too embarrassed to make a sound. Not even a squeak. I eventually quit, having spent a lot of money, and was none the wiser.

Maybe someone else could change me by the power of suggestion alone? Please hypnotise me so I become another person. I was convinced that this could be the ultimate path forward, so I decided to train in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) and Eriksonian Hypnosis. During my training, I had personal sessions with one of the UK’s leading hypnotists. I sat and listened to the soothing instructions and was excited about the person I was going to become. Alas, another expensive lesson on the road to nowhere.

I thought back to my training in the USA and decided to throw myself into the world of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, which focuses on increasing awareness of the inner world and the relationship between past and present. I started personal therapy and agreed to go twice a week for the next six years.

I did find it incredibly disappointing that throughout this time I was not given a single technique to practise, and resorted to buying self-help books instead. The process did help, despite not having any real-life tools, due to the relational aspect of the therapeutic dynamic. I remember after many years I had the thought that maybe the therapist did genuinely like me. I did spend many hours wondering if I was just a convenient recurring revenue stream. You could say that trusting people was a bit of an issue for me.

I had one more experience of personal therapy. I embarked on a course in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing Therapy). Here was a therapy that had a huge scientific evidence base for working with, and processing, traumatic memories. During my training to become an EMDR therapist, it was becoming clearer in my mind how much the emotional brain can override the logical brain.

Reading this book will deepen your understanding of why you follow your feelings, even when doing so drops you into a never-ending circular existence. The result is a vague sense that your past is following you like a dog that has picked up a scent. If you want to stop the past from becoming your future, please read on.

Introduction

Right now, we are on a blue planet hurtling through space at around 1700km/hr. According to scientists, the odds of being born and living here are as high as one in 400 trillion. Your life is precious and time-limited, the problem being that you just don’t know when your expiry date is. Isn’t now as good a time as any to break your bad patterns, create new positive patterns and update your life?

If you don’t, you will be at risk of being overwhelmed by powerful emotions and negative thoughts that result in acting automatically in ways that are self-destructive. When this happens, some of you might have a vague sense that something from your past is responsible. You may frequently find yourself thinking: ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ Déjà vu strikes again.

Have you ever stopped to question why we keep doing the same things again, again and again? Albert Einstein allegedly said, ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.’ It might seem irrational to do things that create more of the same, but actually, it isn’t. Our brains are doing what they have always done for millions of years. Brilliantly.

Unfortunately, in the 21st century, this quickly leads us to become trapped in automatic, repetitive patterns of behaviour that create an unhappy mindset. The automatic, habitual nature of repetitive patterns can make you feel that it’s destiny or fate. However, once you understand how the brain works, the illusory nature of the pattern is revealed, and the unconscious becomes conscious.

I partly wrote this book due to my frustration at how there seems to be a general misconception of how we become entrenched in repetitive patterns of behaviour. Most of the theories I was introduced to just didn’t gel with me. I wanted a theory that mirrored my clients’ real-life experiences and illustrated how the emotional brain has a phenomenal hidden influence over us.

My ground-breaking Pattern Decoding Model helps illuminate why a person may do to others what was done to them, is repeatedly victimised, engages in self-destructive behaviours, continually chooses abusive partners, cannot commit to another person, is always abandoned by others, is addicted to love, continually argues and falls out with people, always has to be in control, cannot abide authority, cannot stand up for themselves and so on.

Who is this book for?

If you find yourself repeatedly in situations where you act in self-defeating ways, and have the sense that this has happened many times in the past, you are now firmly in the twilight world of pattern repetition. Imagine your psychological patterns as being a series of mini-movies, with you as the lead actor. If at times it feels like you are acting the same part in the same story, again and again, keep reading.

If you are a trauma survivor, you will have experienced the four features of a pattern that are described in Chapter 11, many times over. This is especially the case with big emotions that seemingly arrive out of nowhere, and transport you back in time. The feelings you have in the present don’t match what is actually taking place in the here and now, but thankfully, these types of emotional illusions do make complete sense when you have enough pieces of the pattern puzzle. In reality, they are the brain’s version of fake news.

Perhaps, over time, you have tried many different ways to try to free yourself from these bad patterns, but you still find yourself stuck. Maybe you have tried to think yourself happy and wondered why positive thinking doesn’t always work. This may have created a deep sense of frustration and a feeling of failure, as there is an erroneous perception that happiness can be attained by positive thoughts alone. If you already felt like a failure, then failing to change means you can end up feeling like a double failure. As you will discover, thinking positively can be extremely helpful, but it’s crucial to understand why sometimes your brain will not respond to this approach.

How can this book help you?

How often have you read a self-help book and been left wondering exactly what you are supposed to do? This was my experience and this is why there are not only 60 transformational techniques to choose from, but also a structured twelve-week programme that focuses on breaking bad patterns.

You may already have experienced repeating patterns in your life, but are unsure how to decode them so that you can break free of your old programming. To help you on this journey of self-discovery, you will soon be introduced to your very own ‘brain animals’: Parrot and Polar Bear. In their unique and engaging way, they will show you how and why there is an ongoing battle between the conscious and unconscious parts of your brain. Making friends with these ‘pattern makers’ is an indispensable tool on the path of self-discovery.

Part One contains the essential theory behind the model and, in particular, the ongoing struggle between logic and emotion. To keep us safe, evolution has created two unique paths in the brain, and the outcome is fast and slow emotions. As you read through this section, you start to see that repeating patterns are an inevitable consequence of the brain’s evolutionary mechanisms.

In Part Two, you translate theory into practice, by learning how to decode your bad patterns with my Pattern Decoding Model. I can help you by teaching you how to analyse a wide variety of patterns, so the hold they have over you slowly begins to loosen.

Having decoded a pattern, you probably want to know how to break it, and replace it with a positive pattern that matches your goals in life. In Part Three, there are a series of techniques that I have gathered from my clinical practice. The focus was on developing techniques that produced the greatest changes in my clients.

Follow my one-of-a-kind twelve-week programme, where each week has powerful stand-alone techniques. Not only that, the transformative effects are cumulative with each week building on the preceding week. Weeks one to eight are the basic pattern-breaking techniques, and here you will learn how to: understand why it is fundamental to sometimes act in the opposite way to how you feel; use everyday pattern interrupters; know the difference between acceptance and change; develop your awareness; deactivate triggers; label your emotions; reframe a situation; work with your inner critic, and promote kindness to counter the powerful critic.

Weeks nine to twelve feature advanced pattern-making techniques that help to create new patterns that are enduring. Flip your script so that it fits the direction you now choose, test reality to discover if it matches your preconceived ideas, face your fears, and finally turn bad memories into good ones. The techniques do what they say on the tin, but they must be practised until they become automatic.

You can use the tools throughout this book to tackle generalised anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, addictions, and social anxiety, or to process trauma, establish healthy relationships, target new goals, reduce stress, create a positive mindset etc, and by doing so unleash your inner potential.

To help illustrate some of the 60 techniques, I will show you how I broke a longstanding pattern that was making me extremely unhappy. I deliberately chose a relational pattern, as opposed to a more recognisable pattern like depression, as it is within relationships that we reveal ourselves to others.

Now it’s your turn to look at areas in your life that you would like to improve, so you can make new choices, using techniques that are designed to work with your brain. Are you willing to change and take those first steps towards a more meaningful future? Cue action, as to make changes you will need to do a lot of things differently.

How to Use This Book

This book can help you to break your bad patterns, but you will need to put in the time and effort to understand the material. Training your mind is no different to learning a new hobby or sport, in that there is no substitute for the doing part. Breaking Bad Patterns is a workbook, and so with that in mind, here are some suggestions so that you gain the most from it.

Part One has a lot of theory that explains why you do what you do, and to fully appreciate this, read a chapter at a time. Rushing through it gives you less time to see how it fits with your life experiences. I wanted this book to be a comforting guide, rather than being consigned to the book graveyard after a week or so. If there are chapters you don’t fully grasp, read them again, and bit by bit you will absorb more of the material.

From the get-go, you have the opportunity to practise 60 amazing techniques, all of which aim to change your mindset in one way or another. The idea is by building your very own mental toolbox, you get to choose the tools that help you. You do not have to do all of them, but for them to be effective, you will need to repeat them many times until they become automatic. Journaling is formally introduced in Chapter 23, but to get a head start, begin by writing down your favourite techniques, and what you learned from doing them.

Part Two is your chance to discover your patterns by using the innovative Pattern Decoding Model: four steps with a total of ten questions to answer. Follow my example and, with practice, it will get easier and easier to answer the questions. You can decode multiple patterns using the model, and this process sets you up for Part Three.

Part Three is your opportunity to break those bad patterns, and to start making new, positive ones. Ideally work through the twelve-week programme, as it is only via direct experience and practice that you can decide what works best for you. Become your own therapist, retrain your mind, and use the tools provided on a daily basis. Bad patterns have been grooved over time through multiple repetitions, and to make good patterns we need to apply the same principle. Practice. And yet more practice.