How Are You Dad

By Mark Williams

What transpires when men transition into fatherhood?

Why do some fathers blossom, many fathers struggle, and how can we pinpoint those who do? What implications does this have for their offspring and their relationships? What measures can we take to a

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mark Williams
• Release date: Jan 26, 2024
• ISBN: 9781916981676

Mark Williams

Mark Williams is a Reader in Sports Science at the Research Institute for Sports and Exercise Sciences at Liverpool John Moores University. He is the co-author of Mindfulness.

Book preview

How Are You Dad

The Importance of father’s mental health

By

Mark Williams BCAH

Copyright 2023 by Mark Williams – All rights reserved.

ISBN: 9781916981676

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If legal advice or other professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

All information is generalised, presented for information purposes only and presented as is without warranty or guarantee of any kind. The publication explores aspects of psychology and mental health and contains depictions of self-harm, alcohol abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicide.  Please read with care if you decide to read the content of the publication and seek professional help if needed if the reader finds it triggering.

If you’re struggling to let go of a painful experience, you may benefit from talking to a professional. Sometimes it’s difficult to implement information on your own, and you need an experienced professional to help guide you through the process.

No responsibility or liability is assumed by the publisher for any injury, damage, or financial loss sustained to persons or property from the use of this information, personal or otherwise, either directly or indirectly. While every effort has been made to ensure the reliability and accuracy of the information within, all reliability, negligence or otherwise, from any use, misuse or abuse of the operation of any methods, strategies, instructions or ideas contained in the materials herein, is the sole responsibility of the reader.

The Author

Mark Williams BCAh FRSA is a Keynote Speaker, Author and International campaigner.

In 2010, he became very unwell and entered community mental health services. He founded International Fathers Mental Health Day and #Howareyoudad campaign to make sure all parents have support for the whole family. Mark has worked in many areas of youth and mental health since 2005 and has spoken to thousands of parents in many countries since 2011.

Mark has spoken on television and radio stations around the world while working with Dr Jane Hanley who have both published articles on Fathers Mental Health together. Mark was awarded Inspirational Father of the year and Local Hero at the Pride of Britain Awards in 2012 even invited to meet The Royal Family on World Mental Health Day also awarded the Point Of Light Award by the Prime Minister in 2019.

Mark published the report called Fathers Reaching Out - Why Dads Matter to explain the importance of paternal mental health which has far better outcomes for the whole family and the development of the child when we include fathers.

Mark has contributed to over twenty books about fathers’ mental health. He has trained, Midwives and Health Visitors on paternal mental health and other professionals. Also, as a consultant for many organisations including the National Health Service, Movember, and Tommy Tippe while delivering talks to companies including Google.

Helped produce the film Daddy Blues based on Mark's journey is now available on Amazon Prime. Ambassador for Mother's for Mother's and Mother's Matter charities. Started the Campaign to reopen the mother and baby unit in Wales, which was reopened seven years later. 

Mark has delivered talks all around the world, face-to-face and online since becoming a keynote speaker in 2012. He has spoken at over 300 conferences to date and delivered a TEDx Talk on the importance of father’s mental health.

In 2023, Mark was awarded the British Citizens Award for Healthcare at Westminster for work in changing policies and becoming a pioneer in mental health. He is now a member of the Fatherhood All-Party Parliamentary Group and a Human Rights activist.

Contents

Foreword

Testimonials

Introduction

Foreword

Mark Williams’s enthusiasm and passion are more than enough to fuel a PowerStation to supply energy to the whole world. Since I have known Mark, his desire to make a difference has been unwavering.

I was introduced to him as we both had a special interest in fathers’ mental health. At that time, little was known about this as a ‘condition’, as most of the research and support focused on mothers’ mental health. The recognition of the mental health of mothers during the perinatal period was in its infancy, with reputable researchers and clinicians highlighting the importance of good mental health in both pregnancy and the postnatal period.

Some of the consequences of mental illnesses and disorders for mothers and infants were accepted, and healthcare professionals and practitioners were able to adapt their practice to accommodate the needs of the mothers and their infants. The role of fathers was not, on the whole, acknowledged.

There was little regard for their mental health and how that may be affected by the process of the pregnancy, delivery, and postnatal period. When perinatal mental health support services were in place, there were few for fathers. Fathers were often not included in the conversations and yet they were left holding the baby. That is until Mark started his campaigns. ‘Yes’, he was told ‘of course fathers are included as part of our services’ but in reality, fathers admitted to Mark that they felt they were’ marginalised’ ‘left out of the plans’ ‘not considered when discussing mental health issues’, ‘their feelings were neglected. Fathers talked to Mark because of his rapidly increasing popularity.

Mark had been there, done that, got the tee shirt, and caught the illness! He knew firsthand what it was like to watch helplessly as his wife suffered trauma. He understood how it felt to be powerless to support his wife and tiny infant when they too experienced despair. He was aware that, with one or two exceptions, current National Health Services were not equipped to help him, or even acknowledge how he may be feeling. He knew he could not be alone and knew that something should be done about it.

Mark generated by these events, and the love of his family, started his campaigns. It is difficult to recollect how many times Mark and I met to discuss the next moves. Historically It was meetings in the Harvester Inns, with notepad and pen we would outline who needed to be contacted and why. Start and the top and work down to the bottom or vice versa? We knew education and training would be a good place to start. Mark’s lived experience, speaking with parents and my background knowledge was an ideal recipe.

We did, and met with members of the Welsh Assembly, putting our case forward about the lack of services for parents in Wales. Some listened, some not, but those that did, including Mark Drakeford, the current First Welsh Minister, ensured that money was ringfenced for perinatal mental health services. That service, although few may recognise it, is due to the efforts of many of us, pushing, shoving and never giving up.

Mark, naturally, did not stop there. Next, it was the Houses of Parliament, meeting with the members. Once again, we talked about perinatal mental health, but this time the concentration was on the mental health of fathers. Some feigned interest, others were more committed. It was, after all a new, different, and controversial area. Mark’s effervescent personality ensured that this was taken seriously. Important people started to take note and there was significantly more talk about it.

Slowly more men, who were familiar with the symptoms Mark described, came forward and joined in the campaign. Some, impressed by Mark’s talks and knowledge, have branched off to form companies, coalitions, and campaigns. The UK can be proud of the many services currently offered by these fathers, which are the envy of the world.

The world is another area. Mark was conscious that, amongst others, Dr Angela Barton in Canada, started the first World Maternal Mental Health Day. There was no first World Fathers’ Mental Health Day until Mark founded one. He gathered experts, clinicians, practitioners, lived experience and researchers to design and develop the Day, which is held annually, to emphasise the importance of understanding and supporting fathers during this crucial period in their life.

Mark has written many articles and has co-authored two books on perinatal mental health with me. One book is due out next Summer. Some of Mark’s work was recently recognised at Westminster, where he was awarded the prestigious British Citizen Award for Health care.

Writing, like talking, does not earn fortunes. I have often rebuked Mark for subsidising the work he does, which is mostly for free. He is often on the early Mega Bus from Cardiff as it is less expensive than traveling by train, driving the length and breadth of the country to deliver his messages to a captivated audience, shaking hands with those who earn more in a day than Mark does in a year.

Yet, his enthusiasm and passion remain undaunted. Mark knows he can and does make a huge difference to fathers, and the world of perinatal mental health, and it is my honor and pleasure to have worked and to work with him in the future. Who needs fossil fuels when you have Mark?

Dr Jane Hanley Honorary Senior Lecturer, former President, and current executive member, of the International Marcé Society for Perinatal Mental Health.

I first met Mark in 2014 at a Marce International Society meeting in Swansea. His passion for making a difference for fathers inspired me. I had already been working with mothers’ mental health for almost 10 years at that point, but it was then that I realised how much we needed to add fathers to that work. Mark’s own experience was the trigger for him to start the campaigning. For many years, it must have been like shouting into the wind; no one wanted to hear. But, Mark never gave up.

For most of us who work in this field, Mark has been the inspiration that motivated us to help make that difference. The monumental changes that we have seen in support of fathers are also more than just my professional and academic work; it’s personal. As a grandfather multiple times over, I have seen the impact of perinatal challenges on my daughters and their partners. I am so grateful that we know so much more and can provide more help than ever before. I truly believe that we can all thank Mark for leading these campaigns in the first place.

All too often, husbands and partners are overlooked when it comes to providing support and information on mental health. Evidence suggests that the risk factors, and impact, of perinatal mental health are reduced when mums have a supportive partner. Furthermore, fathers can develop 'perinatal mental health' problems (either as a result of their spouse's/partner's illness or independently).

There is often little guidance available for men to understand the causes, risk factors, treatments and prognosis of perinatal mental illness, quite apart from what support they can give to their partner. Fathers also need information on how to improve their mental health. On this page, you will find some information about the latest campaigns that I am involved with, some media stories that have been run about that, and an overview of resources and support for fathers.

It is worth starting by restating why I feel fathers’ mental health matters. For me, there are three key areas that we need to focus on: what information and support do fathers need to help their wives/partners should experience poor mental health in the perinatal period; what support do we need to give to fathers to deal with their mental health in the perinatal period; and what information and support do we need to give to a father should his wife/partner experience what might be a traumatic birth.

We also need to give fathers resources to help them support their wives/partners should they develop mental health problems in the perinatal period. We often hear that men have limited knowledge about what they can do and where they can access information. While we are beginning to see some appropriate mental health support directed at mothers during the perinatal period, including signposting and information, their partners are all too frequently disregarded. In some further research at Bournemouth University, we sought to explore fathers' perceptions about what information and support they received (and needed) to enable them to help their partner. The outcomes from that research have now been published.

One theme that was consistent across all of the work we have undertaken so far is that fathers are saying that some health professionals do not regard them as part of the birthing experience or give them due consideration when it comes to perinatal mental health. To that end, we have just finished collecting data from UK health visitors, where we asked what support, they can give fathers. I hope to report those findings soon.

We also know that enduring poor mental health can mean that the relationship between the father and his baby can be deeply affected. A strong bond is needed between an infant and both parents to ensure a healthy development for that child. We need to provide more support for fathers’ mental health and enhance their relationship with their infants. I will be working on some projects around that soon too.

In 2018, I reported the exciting news that NHS England had announced how they would now screen some fathers for their mental health. This decision was largely based on data that I (and others, such as Mark Williams, The Fatherhood Institute, and many more) had provided on what was needed. "The recent trends in support for Fathers’ Mental Health is testimony to the hard work undertaken by so many inspirational people over these last few years,

Perhaps that turning point of the announcement in 2018 for NHS England that fathers would now be screened for their mental health in the perinatal period. Since then, despite a few potentially serious setbacks in the wake of the Covid pandemic, we are beginning to see so much more support emerging for fathers. The evidence base in quality research is also expanding rapidly.

Research with mothers who have had a traumatic birth is still in its infancy. However, until now, nothing has been done with fathers (who have witnessed that trauma). At Bournemouth University, we undertook research to explore this vitally important area of work. We wanted to examine fathers' experiences, especially around the information and support given to them at this time.

Campaigning is not likely to be successful without evidence, especially when trying to convince NHS commissioners or the Government. Until recently, that evidence has been limited. I am honored to work with some great professionals, academics, and dads on those campaigns. Most of that has been undertaken with my great friend Mark Williams.

I am honored to have been part of the campaigning, and for contributing to published research. There are countless names I could cite who have been inspirational in helping us to be where we are now. However, I feel that none of this would have been possible without the pioneering work and dogged determination of Mark Wiliams.

Mark Williams is (by my book) the leading voice in the UK on Fathers’ Mental Health.

Lecturer Bournemouth University and Campaigner. Dr Andrew Mayers

The need for support for fathers has greatly come to light over the last few years with campaigners such as Mark Williams who has pro-actively researched and campaigned for this cause, using his own lived experience as motivation to help other fathers.

We know that between 25-50% of men who have a partner who has perinatal mental illness will then go on to experience poor mental health themselves.

      We also know from the dads we speak to, that their mental health does not feel heard, or considered and does not exist in many NHS or parental-related appointments from conception through to birth and beyond.  Yet the expectations of the responsibilities of parenting are equal, and the consideration of mental health appears to be one-sided which has a detrimental effect on the entire family unit.

Postnatal depression is now, finally clinically recognised in men, and it is the courage and support from Dads who share their perinatal mental health journeys that then inspires and encourages many more men to share how they are feeling and ultimately get the support that they need.

      The stigma of mental health is considerably reduced thanks to much work by many different individuals and organisations and even becoming en -vouge as a theme, which is pleasing and a positive movement. Men's maternal mental health is still very much stigmatised, and the acknowledgment of perinatal mental health is considered 'real' within men is so desperately needing movement in the general attitude towards it, without overlooking or undermining a dad as a parent's mental health being equally considered int he parental journey as a vital part of the family unit.

      Loss of identity, feeling like a spare part, and lack of bonding with a new baby particularly to do with feeding early on, are all things that Dads tell us that make them feel anxious, stressed and with the inclusion of sleep deprivation early on after a new baby is born this can quickly develop into postnatal depression for men.

      GPs, Health visitors, midwives, and networks of people involved in the parental journey need to be proactively asking Dads, with meaning how they are to ensure that no Dad feels alone in his journey as a parent and that support can be there when needed.

Annie Belasco Head of UK Charity PANDAS Foundation

(Pre and Postnatal Depression Advice and Support)

Testimonials

Mark Williams is a force of nature and has done a huge amount to raise awareness of perinatal mental health. By talking about his experiences, he has focused our attention on the effects that perinatal mental illness can have on the family including partners, and reminded us of the importance of Dads. The world of Maternal Mental Health owes Mark a huge vote of thanks."

National Centre for Mental Health Professor Ian Jones, Director.

Dear Mark, I would like to say that the work you have been doing about fathers is really valuable. There is now much attention given to perinatal mental illness in mothers, but the suffering of fathers, and how this can affect the rest of the family remains largely neglected. You speak eloquently on this and have really helped to bring awareness of this important topic to the wider public.

Imperial College London Vivette Glover, Professor of Perinatal Psychobiology

Mark is a tower of inspiration, strength and dedication when speaking out for dads and families. It’s a pleasure and privilege working with him.

Maternal Mental Health Alliance Dr Alain Gregoire, Consultant and Honorary Senior Lecturer in Perinatal Psychiatry and Chair

Thank you, Mark. It’s heartening to know that there has been that kind of positive effect. I greatly admire your work."

Prof Paul Ramchandani Faculty of Medicine, Department of Medicine. Reader in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Mark is a truly authentic passionate speaker who delivers a story detailing lived experience of mental health, particularly surrounding childbirth and parenting. Mark’s messages for health professionals are compassionate and courageous - he is a unique individual who stimulates learning in an engaging and compelling way. Mark is super friendly, kind and caring and I am honoured to have him in my life.

Sheena Byrom OBE was one of the UK’s first consultant midwives and Author.

Thank you so much for your really fantastic talk today and yesterday. I know the audiences really enjoyed hearing from you. You are such a good speaker and communicate such a lot in terms of experience and work, with great thoughtfulness, honesty, humour and energy.

Dr Liz McDonald, The Royal Collage of Psychiatrists

Mark is an advocate for all parents. He brings insights informed by his own family’s experience and the voices of the very many families that he has worked with over the years, together with understanding vital aspects when working in parental mental health, including safeguarding and the need for supervision.

Dr Zoe Darwin University of Huddersfield inspiring global professionals

Mark Williams is a true legend and inspiration for all of us. His commitment to improve the mental health in general and of the fathers in particular is phenomenal. He is a great speaker, author campaigner, and trainer in mental health. He spoke in one of my events at the House of Commons which was very well received by the attendees. I attended some of his talks and his knowledge and passion were exceptional.

Dr Raja Gangopadhyay  Dr Raja Gangopadhyay is a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist with a special interest in perinatal mental health.

Mark is a true inspiration! His vision for equality and his fortitude in pursuing it, are exemplary! I have known Mark in different capacities since 2015 and in that time, I have seen him elevate the cause of perinatal, paternal mental health from the fringes to widely accepted of needing attention and care. –

Chris Stein, Future Men

Introduction

My Story

Becoming a father is indeed a life-changing event. It brings about a new sense of responsibility, love, and care that can profoundly change one’s perspective on life. It’s a journey filled with joy, challenges, learning, and unforgettable moments. What is often never talked about in society, is that parents’ experiences can vary and often many parents struggle during the perinatal period and beyond. It is an area that is often dismissed, and even mental health charities have been unaware of perinatal mental health.

In 2004, I suffered my first ever panic attack at thirty years of age and I didn’t have a clue what was happening to me. It was the day my son was born. My wife Michelle was taken to the theatre for an emergency C-section, and I honestly thought she was going to die. I was terrified.

During this period, I experienced nightmares about Michelle and Ethan dying in the theatre. I would wake up thinking it was real. Sadly, Michelle went on to develop severe postnatal depression and my world changed forever.

I had never known anyone with the illness. I was so uneducated about mental health that I used to wonder: ‘How can people be depressed?’. Within weeks of Michelle’s diagnosis, I had to give up my job to care for Michelle and Ethan. I loved the social side of my job, and I was isolated. Sometimes I wouldn’t get out the front door for days. Within months, my personality changed, and I was drinking in an attempt to cope.

I became angry. It got to the point where, if I did manage to get out with friends, I wanted to fight the doorman. I had this strange need to get hurt to try and stop what I was feeling and the thoughts that were going through my head. It was another way of self-harming.

I began to have uncontrollable suicidal thoughts but never acted on them. 

At the time, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was raised in a working-class community where my father and grandfather were coal miners. Growing up, we looked up to ‘hard men’ who didn’t show their emotions and now I was feeling emotional – and I was feeling weak. I kept telling myself I just had to ‘man up’ and everything would be okay.

After five years of suffering in silence since my son was born, and after losing my grandfather and my mother getting diagnosed with cancer within weeks apart, my mental health got worse.

One day, whilst sitting in my car before walking into work, I had a complete breakdown, or breakthrough I tend to call it. I just literally couldn’t get out of the car, I was shaking, crying and suicidal thoughts were racing through my mind.

After going through community mental health teams, I was eventually diagnosed with anxiety and depression and later attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I was never asked once about my mental health in 2004 and was never diagnosed with postnatal depression or post-traumatic stress disorder when after speaking with professionals at conferences, would often say that I would have been if an assessment was in place.

Therapy, medication, and learning coping skills through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy all played a part in improving his mental health. It was after speaking to a guy in the gym, 6 weeks while on leave from work, that I learned that he too had suffered and was never asked about his mental health.

It was the start of the campaign and today I have turned a negative time into a positive one by setting up a support group for fathers whose partners were suffering from postnatal depression. That group turned into something much more and I was finding out that fathers themselves only were suffering in