Conversations With My Cat

By Chuck McKenzie and MacReady McKenzie

What does Schrödinger's Cat have to do with a chewed computer cord? How do you fit work around a cat's napping schedule? Why do cats change their minds as soon as you open the door for them? These and other conundrums are addressed in this collection of discussions between one man and his cat, wherein are tackled many of the greatest issues of our time: politics, human rights, religion, culture, history, and poop. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life. Or not. Frankly, we'll say anything to get you to buy this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Daft Notions
• Release date: Mar 4, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224064298

Chuck McKenzie

Chuck McKenzie was born in 1970 and is still not dead. He is an award-nominated author of numerous science fiction and horror stories, and he hopes one day to be described by his neighbours as having seemed like such a nice man. You can stalk him on Instagram at @chuck.mckenzie.author

Book preview

Conversations With My Cat

Chuck McKenzie

image-placeholder

Daft Notions

First published by Daft Notions in 2023

Daft Notions www.daftnotions.com

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Copyright © Chuck McKenzie and MacReady McKenzie

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including Internet search engines and retailers, electronic or mechanical, photocopying (except under the provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission by the publisher.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data.

CONVERSATIONS WITH MY CAT

Cover Design, Proofreading & Copy-Editing © All In The Edit www.allintheedit.com

Editorial Management, Design, Typesetting, Publication, Coffee and Supervision of Idiots by Ripley McKenzie

Spelling in this book is standard Australian, which is better value for money as readers get more vowels than they would with U.S. spelling.

Humour, Pets, Philosophy

Contents

Dedication

The New Addition

Setting the Tone

Antisocial Media

Location, Location, Location

An Exercise in Solipsism. Or Something.

Knowledge is Pain

Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Bury Them in a Shallow Grave

Consequences, Be’atch

Privileges of Opposable Thumbs

Music Doth Soothe the Savage Beast

Hurdy-Gurdy Cat

An Examination of the Impact of Opposable Thumbs Upon the Development of Human Civilisation. And Stuff.

The Dual Arts of Ninjitsu and Bastardry

Discussing the Intricacies of Communication

Genital Cleanliness is No Laughing Matter. Stop Sniggering.

In Which MacReady Does a Rather Good Impersonation (If He Does Say So Himself)

Life Flashes Before His Eyes

O Death, Where is Thy Stingalingaling?

The Call of Cat-Thulhu

That Thing You Do

Schrödinger’s Asshat

No Flies On Us

On the Naming of Cats

Oú Sont Les Pissoir, S’il-Vous-Plaît?

MacReady Contemplates the Mysteries of Being. And His Testicles.

Better Out Than In

Cats’ Inhumanity to Man

Cats: Nature’s Clawed Floofs of Biteyness

Night of the Lepus

Of Cats and Men and Balls in Jars

On the Memeing of Cats

Real Cats Don’t Wear Pants

Once More Unto the Breach

The Crying Game

Antisocial Media II

Of Cats and Cosplay

Demand and Supply

Just a Little Off the Top

Claw Maintenance: A Hack

Taking Things to the Next Level

A Christmas Tail

An Official Apology

Food Guy

About the authors

Also by Chuck McKenzie

image-placeholder

Dedication

Chuck

To mum and dad, both of whom encouraged and supported me in everything I ever did, no matter how batshit-crazy some of those things may have seemed. I’d also like to thank all my friends for being there through good times, bad times, hangovers, relationship fails, sci-fi conventions, nightclub culture, bookshops, and cat-related silliness. Extra-special thanks to my kids, for not reporting me to Child Services on account of my Dad Jokes. And to Sarah, for love, support and laughter.

And of course huge thanks to MacReady: friend, foil, royal pain-in-the-arse, and provider of raw content. Love you, buddy!

MacReady

I’d like to thank all those without whom this book could not have been written. So I’d like to thank myself.

Oh, and I’d like to thank my accountant for pointing out that I could claim my litter tray as a tax deduction because I do my business there.

Ripley

I’d like to acknowledge the pointlessness of existence in an increasingly cold and uncaring Universe; that infinite yawning void, wherein a few fragile specks of life teeter briefly and futilely at the edge of extinction before inevitably plunging into oblivion, forever wiped from history and memory alike.

image-placeholder

The New Addition

Chuck: Hey, Miss Ripley!

Ripley: Mm.

Chuck: So you remember we were talking about getting another cat?

Ripley: No.

Chuck: I mean…we definitely were. About a month ago.

Ripley: I recall you saying, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to get another cat?’

Chuck: Yeah, and you agreed.

Ripley: I believe my exact words were, ‘Mm-hm’.

Chuck: That wasn’t an agreement?

Ripley: It was me not getting involved in a discussion, is what it was.

Chuck: Ah.

Ripley: Is there a particular reason you’re bringing this up now? And does it, perchance, have anything to do with that large box you came in with?

Chuck: Well –

Ripley: It’s a rhetorical question. You clearly went out and got another cat.

Chuck: Are you…upset?

Ripley: I’m completely ambivalent.

Chuck: Oh. Good...?

Ripley: But we should probably get a few ground rules sorted before you inflict it –

Chuck: Him.

Ripley: – before you inflict him upon this household and