The Gift of Grief

By Vanessa Ricchiazzi

"A grain of wheat must fall into the ground and die, but if it dies, then it yields rich fruit." John 12:25

Did you ever worry about losing your parents when you were a child? Are you currently taking care of your parents and raising a family of your own? The Gift of Grief shares my personal journey of c

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Apr 23, 2024
• ISBN: 9798890419729

Vanessa Ricchiazzi

Vanessa Ricchiazzi is a wife, mother, nurse, author, public speaker, and entrepreneur. She is the youngest of four children. At the age of eighteen, she became a mother and had four daughters by the time she was twenty-six. Shortly after, her caregiving role for her declining family elders, took control of her life. In this book, she shares her journey of grief, while witnessing miracles of God's presence that surrounded her during her darkest times.

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The Gift of Grief

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Vanessa D. Ricchiazzi

Trilogy Christian Publishers

Tustin, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

The Gift of Grief

Copyright © 2024 by Vanessa D. Ricchiazzi

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (KJV) taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version. Cambridge Edition: 1769.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

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Trilogy Christian Publishing/ TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 979-8-89041-971-2

ISBN 979-8-89041-972-9 (ebook)

Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.

John 21:18

The biblical context to this passage is Jesus telling Peter of his future, and we see how applicable these words are for us, when we all age. As we close our eyes, and picture aging in the moment of life when we’re young, healthy, and all our elders are present, and active, it’s hard to imagine a future where any one of them, at any time, suddenly becomes helpless. Helpless as in, physically helpless, mentally helpless, or even spiritually helpless. How often, as children, did we ever ponder on our parents becoming old, dependent on us, and dying? Typically, the picture we imagine is of them getting old, gray, slow, enjoying grandchildren, and passing peacefully in their sleep. We may envision them living with us, or having a little home in the back, where they continue their years, enjoying our children, attending holidays, and enjoying their retirement years, alongside us. The vision rarely includes toileting, feeding, dressing, arguing with memories lost, or of them dying in our homes.

According to the latest statistics by AARP, March of 2023, an estimated 38 million people, are taking care of their loved ones in the United States. Many of us will not live that vision of graceful aging for our loved ones, and the process of aging becomes one of confusion, frustration, exhaustion, suffering, and guilt. The duty of caring for our parents suddenly becomes distorted and throws a curve at the future we thought had planned or envisioned. The future without the thought of including the care of our parents. Our employers don’t even assist us in that plan. There are plans for childcare, plans for maternity care, but there are no plans for parent care. Our 401ks don’t have a column projection for the cost of caring for our mothers or fathers in it. Where is the emotional, psychological, and financial support in the event that our parents become dependent on us? It’s as if it’s not natural that your parents become dependent adults on their children. They are to always be independent and die independent.

To become dependent is not the assumed order, yet as we live in an age where we are living longer, and technology and medicine have evolved assumably making mankind much healthier, we are reaching an aging crisis of dependent elders, and the preparation for it continues to be ignored or put off until a crisis happens. In even the most recent times of artificial intelligence, one must be aware, that if we don’t embrace decisions or talk about the inevitable aging and all that comes with it, will artificial intelligence base our life worth off statistics? This is the time, more than ever to call upon our faith, come together in prayer, and ask Our Lord to guide us.

What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ And he answered, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?

Matthew 21:28-32

This passage is directed to us, as our obedience to the Will of our Father. How applicable is this passage, when it comes to siblings, having to care for their parents.

My husband and I are in the senior care profession, and we witness daily these family dynamics when it comes to caring for their parents. We can truly relate, as we live this experience personally. We continually witness that most often than not, the actual care is lopsided within the adult children(siblings) who now all are thrusted into decision making for the care of their parents.

Which one of them, is doing Their Father’s Will? This verse enters my mind and was written in my heart growing up in faith, as well as witnessing the families that are bringing their parents into my care.

The feeling within surfaces—resentment, anger, jealously—, and the grieving process begins. Not as one would assume with the grieving occurring with the actual death of the parent, but the death of the identity of the parent who is no longer capable of being there for their now grown adult child. We witness the cycle of the once peaceful family, with memories of family gatherings in which the parents were the glue of the family, ending with parents dying, while the adult children go through emotional turmoil, disagreements, and disharmony.

Through the process of caring for dying parents, we witness family members suddenly not allowed to visit, or even some adult children not wanting to say goodbye at the end. The vision of all parents, with their children loving each other in harmony, and gathered at their funerals, throwing flowers on their caskets, and comforting each other turns into a distorted vision, a gathering of guilt, jealousy, and resentment of who pleased their parents best at the end, with none of the children ever talking to each other again.

We’ve witnessed the only child, that has no one else to turn to, and feels shunned or ashamed if they choose not to step up, and feel