An Irrepressible Desire

By Courtney Spencer

Jump back in with Josh and Abby, whose paths have been woven together again. The stakes have gotten higher, and the risks are all too real, making their unabating need for one another more impossible than before. 

Married and pregnant Abigail Bouchard spent years believing that her t

• Language: English
• Publisher: Benjamin Rose Publishing
• Release date: Mar 8, 2024
• ISBN: 9781738808724

Book preview

Copyright © 2024 Courtney Spencer

All rights reserved

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-7388087-2-4

First published in 2024

Benjamin Rose Publishing

for everyone that read book 1…

- thanks for sticking around

Contents

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

Prologue

Part 1

Chapter 1: A New Normal

Chapter 2: An Old Feeling

Chapter 3: An Odd Predicament

Chapter 4: A Hard Conversation

Chapter 5: A Freindly Barbecue

Chapter 6: A Delicate Dance

Chapter 7: A Dark Recess

Chapter 8: An Unknowing Accomplice

Chapter 9: A Painful Acceptance

Chapter 10: A Family Name

Part 2

Chapter 11: A Stolen Moment

Chapter 12: A Balancing Act

Chapter 13: A Second Thought

Chapter 14: A Guilty Conscience

Chapter 15: A Cruel Summer

Chapter 16: A Turning Point

Chapter 17: An Opportunity Knock

Chapter 18: An Open Door

Chapter 19: A Guarded Heart

Chapter 20: A Vacant Space

Part 3

Chapter 21: A Morning After

Chapter 22: An Unwelcome Truth

Chapter 23: A Sudden Visitor

Chapter 24: A Resurfaced Debt

Chapter 25: A Regualar Rhythm

Chapter 26: A Muddled Milestone

Chapter 27: A History Lesson

Chapter 28: A Familiar Plight

Chapter 29: A Hopeless Conclusion

Chapter 30: An Indecent Proposal

Part 4

Chapter 31: An Alternate Ending

Chapter 32: A Final Plea

Chapter 33: An Inauspicious Affair

Chapter 34: An Emotional Weight

Chapter 35: An Unintended Slight

Chapter 36: A Life Without

Epilogue

Book 3 Preview

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Sonnet 116

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle’s compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

  If this be error and upon me proved,

  I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

―William Shakespeare

Prologue

An Inconceivable Coincedence

September 3rd, 2007 – Edmonton, AB

Snapping the tailgate in place, he peered up at his home before getting into his truck to drive away indefinitely from the house he helped build with his own hands. The last of his personal belongings were secured tightly in suitcases and boxes under the truck bed cover. He left the furniture for his eager renters. It would be a long drive back to Halifax. Back to his former life. Back to his former love.

Josh had one stop to make on his way out of town. There was still one more loose end to tie up. He’d already squared things away with Ben Hayes, who understood his reasons for wanting to leave Edmonton and his Lead Journeyman position at Gateway Carpentry and Contracting. Of course, Josh had left out his reasons for leaving which involved a married and pregnant Abigail Bouchard. He leveraged Ben’s own fondness for Josh’s ailing uncle to help ease the sting of his sudden departure. Arthur Morris was Ben’s mentor before he was Josh’s mentor – before he was effectively Josh’s uncle. There was no bad blood between Ben and Josh when Josh informed his boss that he had to go home to help out.

Upon strategically relaying certain information to Ben, the topic of Andrea Barrington was bound to pop up. As the ex-girlfriend of both men, and still a current friend of Ben, it was insisted that Josh make a point to see her before he left town permanently.

*          *          *

I don’t think that’s a good idea, Josh responded after swallowing a mouthful of his beer while they sat in the familiar corner table of Kelly’s Pub.

I know it’s none of my business, Ben said gently. I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t think that it was important. She and I have been in touch since you left.

I’ve always thought it was cool that you two could stay friends after dating, but I don’t see that happening for me and her. It was a pretty clean break, man. I don’t know what either of us would have to say to one another. Josh stared out the window, clutching his bottle harder. Did she ask you to say something to me? Does she want to talk? She’s never called me or anything. His old boss’s overt effort to remain casually concerned led Josh to believe that there was something more to it.

Ben scrunched his face before saying, Nothing like that. I don’t think it’s about establishing some sort of post break-up friendship. You two did end things rather suddenly though. I’m sure a discussion could be had to make sure that you’re both on the same page after everything. His eyes had gradually drifted away from Josh as he spoke.

It’s already been three months. Why would we take part in an awkward conversation that neither of us wants? Josh insisted.

Look, Ben said shifting in his chair uncomfortably, if it makes you feel any better, I had this same conversation with Andy. I do believe that there are some things you’ll want to get out on the table before you decide to never look back.

What’s going on, Ben? Josh asked, leaning in. There’s something you’re not telling me.

Ben shifted further away as if he were afraid that Josh might find a hidden truth somewhere on his face. I just think you should get in touch with her before you leave on Monday, that’s all.

Josh slowly nodded in acknowledgment, not necessarily agreement. He hadn’t made his mind up yet at that point if he would contact Andrea before he left, but he didn’t like the way it changed the tone of his conversation with Ben. They both dropped it, switching topics to commence a lighter exchange centring around work. The sting of envy set in as Ben updated Josh on the progress the team had made with the residential development projects over the summer. Josh’s decision to move back to Halifax had been firm for a while, but he missed the others at Gateway and the pride they all shared in the work they had done together.

He’d been transitioning into the position of Lead Carpenter and Manager of Morris Carpentry Services since last month. The company had been on a downward slope from the time Arthur’s health issues surfaced. It was unsafe for Josh’s uncle to continue to operate the equipment in the shop with his heart condition, and he was too stubborn to fully delegate the things he had always maintained control over. Arthur trusted Josh and didn’t hide his relief in handing over the reins to his nephew. Arthur’s wife, Brenda, was hoping her husband would get better and finally consider retirement.

At almost twenty-four years old, Josh knew he was taking on a lot. Not only was he running a business, but he had initially considered staying in Halifax for Abby and Grace – the orphaned Conrad sisters whose hold on Joshua Stone knew no limits. Abby, whom he’d been in love with for six years, but who was pregnant with her new husband’s child. Grace, Abby’s older sister, whom he tried to love (but in their two years together simply couldn’t), who had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. After years separated from the Conrad women and his life in Halifax, he went charging back to take charge as if he’d never left. Josh would be where he was needed. He’d do what he had to do.

*          *          *

There was something about Ben’s ominous insistence that stuck with Josh. After their discussion, he couldn’t ignore the advice of a man he looked up to; a man he considered a good friend. He texted Andrea and she agreed to meet him at a coffee shop downtown. It was his last stop before his four day drive home. He’d spent the summer without his truck after flying hastily to Halifax in June to try to prevent Abby from marrying Christopher Bouchard. She married him anyhow, Josh stayed in Halifax anyhow, and he found himself in the very familiar position of being the man of the Conrad house for the summer. He drove Grace’s Jeep Wrangler to get groceries and take her to appointments. He was thrilled to be behind the wheel of his truck once again.

He saw her Honda Pilot in the parking lot. It was unlike Andrea to be early. He spotted her by the window before he walked in. She was studying her fingernails with a look of disdain on her face. Josh hoped it was due to the condition of her manicure and not a preview of the attitude she held toward him.

Standing apprehensive in front of her, he said, Hey, remaining on his feet while he waited to see how she’d receive him.

Hi Josh, she said friendly enough.

He sat, darting his eyes around anxiously, unsure of how to begin a conversation that he wasn’t prepared to have. Did you order anything yet?

I got a ginger tea, she quietly replied.

He nodded. I’ll get a coffee when the waitress comes around.

You’re nervous, she announced.

Yeah, he agreed, finally meeting her eyes.

That’s not like you. You’re the one that wanted to meet.

Right.

You’re going back east?

Yeah.

When?

After this.

Oh, she responded, surprised. Andrea didn’t disguise her disappointment with being little more than a check in the box as the last thing he did before leaving town for good. Are you selling the house?

The waitress placed a steaming mug with a string hanging out over the side in front of Andrea.

I’ll have a coffee please, with cream and sugar, Josh said before the waitress could even ask. No, I’m not selling it. Not now anyway. Corey from Gateway, and his girlfriend, are going to rent it.

I see. And how was your summer?

It was alright, I guess. How about yours?

It was alright. Her head tilted down at the table before she glanced up at him with a noticeable trepidation. Are you happy that you went home? That you’re moving back?

I don’t know what answer you’re looking for.

A real one, she said. Are you afraid that you’ll hurt my feelings if you say yes?

Maybe. You broke up with me, Andrea.

I guess technically you could say that.

The waitress placed Josh’s coffee on the table. They paused in silence until she had gone back to her counter.

I’ve got some things to take care of at home. I don’t know if happy is the right word, but I need to be there, so I’m going.

Is that what the phone call was about that day? Someone asking you to take care of some things?

He took a drink of his coffee. Sort of.

You’re being curt.

I don’t know what to say. I met with Ben the other day. He hinted at the fact that you and I should talk. I thought maybe there was something you wanted to tell me, or that you needed… closure. You don’t seem like you want to be here. I’m not sure what we’re doing.

Ben’s been very supportive since you left, she pointed out with a hint of condescension.

That’s good, Josh said slowly, trying to feel out what she might have been getting at. He wondered if the two of them were together now. Was that what all of this was about? It would make sense for Ben’s behaviour, although he didn’t understand why Ben would insist that it be Andrea who told Josh about them if they were a couple again.

Don’t do that, she snapped.

Josh jerked his neck back involuntarily. Do what?

Don’t insinuate that it was Ben who came between us. He had nothing to do with our relationship ending.

That’s not what I meant, Andrea. You know how much I respect Ben. If you two are together now, I’m happy for you.

Andrea laughed sarcastically. Is that what you think this is? If I was going to start sleeping with Ben again, I wouldn’t need permission from you to do it.

I agree.

They stared at one another in what felt to Josh like a game of emotional chicken. He didn’t want to play. He channelled the guilt and the compassion he felt for the way he was with her in the past, willing it to manifest on his face. She softened slightly in response.

She announced with a subtle, yet detectable trace of indignation, Ben thought the two of us should talk because he thinks there’s something you should know.

Okay, what is it?

I’m pregnant, Josh.

Part 1

Past Details

Chapter 1: A New Normal

September 10th, 2007

A

bby wasn’t looking at him when she asked, Do you think I need bumper pads?

What are bumper pads? Josh replied, trailing behind her and feeling immensely out of place amidst a sea of pastel colours.

You seem distracted, she pointed out blankly while scrutinizing a plastic package with giraffe-patterned fabric inside.

I’m sorry, he mindlessly replied.

Still tortured by her internal bumper pad debate, she read the small print carefully as Josh observed her. She suddenly decided against the purchase and hung the item back on the silver peg jutting out from the aisle wall beside her. I shouldn’t be buying these if I don’t even have a crib yet. She glanced up at him with a mock scolding stare.

Don’t look at me! It’s tradition, Josh grinned. The crib should always be the very last thing that you purchase before the baby is born.

I really don’t see how that’s a thing, she argued jokingly. Aren’t you supposed to get your other pieces of furniture to match the crib? I’m going to be all mismatched if I wait much longer. I’m telling you, if I find everything on this list today, I’m getting a crib.

I just think you should wait. At least a few more days. For tradition’s sake. Josh hoped he sounded convincing.

Until now, Abby had been content to participate in this absurd made-up tradition, taking him at his word without further inquiry. In truth, Josh had been in the process of building Abby a custom oak crib at the shop. He’d finished it late last night and was having a couple of his employees deliver it to Abby’s condo that afternoon. Josh agreed to take Abby shopping for odd things that she decided she still needed after cataloging all the gifts she’d received at her baby shower yesterday. He made up the lie about the crib tradition on the spot sometime last month when Abby started to talk about buying one. At first, Josh told her that she should wait until her husband returned home, but he knew he couldn’t get her to wait until November when the baby was due. Then he pulled a fib out of thin air and, to his amazement, she had believed it. Until now.

Hmph, she scoffed.

Abby inspected the paper list that she’d drafted, seeming pleased with her progress. She arched her back in a stretch and put her hand over her perfectly round belly, signalling to Josh that she was getting tired. He still had to keep her out for another hour.

Do you want to get some ice cream after this? he asked, wheeling the cart for her.

Sure, she said, glancing up at him endearingly. On one condition, she added.

What’s another day or two for the crib, Abby? he laughed pleadingly.

No, she said dismissively, not that.

What then?

They approached the Babies R Us checkout. Take me to our park, she demanded.

*          *          *

They went to the Dairy Queen drive-thru and got Blizzards. Josh picked at his ice cream from the cup holder during red lights. Abby ate small bites discreetly as she stared out the window. They pulled into Point Pleasant Park and stopped the truck in a space facing the water.

Their old spot.

Remarkably unchanged.

The view, the time of day, the afternoon sun glistening on the water like light reflecting off crystals. They’d travelled back in time together. How could life be so different when their spot at the park looked exactly the same?

Josh rolled the windows down after turning the ignition off. He took a deep breath, deliberately inhaling the sharp briny air. We haven’t been here together in years, he announced without looking at her.

I know. I’ve missed this place. Abby put her ice cream in the passenger cup holder, shifting her body with tremendous effort to angle herself toward Josh.

Yeah, he sighed, me too.

You didn’t say much about your trip to Edmonton, Abby said timidly. As big as her expecting belly had gotten, she was still able to shrink herself in front of him the way she used to when she was hesitant.  

There isn’t much to say. He kept his eyes on her this time, perhaps overcompensating for the intentional omission of details.

You rented your house? she asked.

Yep.

Officially quit your job out there?

Yep.

Broke up with all of your Edmonton girlfriends? she asked teasingly, but sort of serious.

He narrowed his eyes at her. Where is this coming from?

I dunno, you haven’t been yourself since you got back on Thursday. Like there might be something weighing on you.

Is that why you wanted to come to our park? You think you can get some sort of truth out of me here? Frustrated, he gazed toward the horizon. He didn’t mean to snap at her, but he wasn’t ready to share what he’d found out the day that he left Alberta.

Maybe, she replied, hanging her head down embarrassed. Or maybe I just wanted some fresh air and this was the first place that came to mind.

I’m sorry, Abigail. I shouldn’t have said that.

It’s alright. I didn’t think it would have that much of an effect on me if we came here together. But you’re not alone in feeling whatever it is you’re feeling about this place. She added softly, I feel it too.

His breath was still uneven. It’s full of ghosts.

Grab your ice cream, let’s walk for a minute, she proposed.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Abby. What if someone stops us and makes some sort of comment about you being pregnant? Like asking when you’re due or something. They’ll assume that we’re together. Josh shook his head, displaying an unwillingness to participate in such a cruel game.

So, who cares? It’s not really anyone’s business. You’re overthinking it, Josh. We’ve been out together plenty of times. We were just at a baby store together.

And how many times in the last month has someone made a joke about pregnancy, or commented to you when we’re out, and then looked right at me like I’m in on it because I must be the father? Who else would a pregnant woman wearing a wedding ring be out with?

Are you saying you don’t want to go places with me anymore? Her quivering bottom lip plumped out and plummeted downward.

No, of course not, he said, tenderly touching her shoulder. I’m just saying that, at some point, we have to be real about what this is. He pulled back from her. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s the park. Maybe I’m thinking too much about everything that happened back then. We used to come here because we had no idea what was in front of us, but we were willing to try to figure it out together. Now, I know where our paths lead, and they’re heading in very different directions. Josh pointed an obvious glance at Abby’s protruding baby bump.

I guess I just thought that we had become friends in a way we never could be before. Her features sank, making her disappointment difficult to hide.

Abby, you kissed me the night before you got married. Was that a friendly kiss?

No, she answered, clearly uncomfortable. I just…

He knew not to push her, not to stress or upset her. She had high blood pressure at her last pre-natal appointment and this tension wasn’t good for her or the baby. He brought his shoulders down before he said calmly, almost comically, not really expecting an answer, but feeling an overwhelming need to say the words out loud regardless, You just what? You thought that having another man’s baby would make me love you less?

I guess I did, she whispered.

It didn’t.

What are you trying to tell me, Josh? We haven’t talked like this in a while. Not since the wedding, really. I thought we were okay and that you didn’t mind helping me with all of this baby stuff while Christopher is away. Her voice cracked at the end.

He saw her eyes fill with more water than they could contain. I do. I love helping you with all this baby stuff, he said. Shhhhh. Abby, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you. I’m probably just still tired from the drive, work has been busy. I’m not trying to make things complicated for us. C’mon. Josh grabbed his ice cream and got out of the truck. He walked around to the passenger side, opened Abby’s door, and helped her spin around to face him. He held his hand out for her to take.

She reached for her ice cream and let him help her as she unceremoniously slid out of the truck. She paused when her shoes touched the pavement, holding his stare for a few seconds longer than she probably should have. For the record, she stated, I liked your old truck better.

It wasn’t the first time they had danced around the topic. It had remained below the surface, cleverly tucked away, only alluded to at most. Him spending so much time with her. Her being married. Her being pregnant. Him still painfully in love with her. Her doing her best to pretend that she didn’t feel the exact same way about him. They joked about it. They acted like it wasn’t true. They were actors in a TV show or players in a play. How very hip and unbothered they all were to take part in this comedy of errors and not become burdened by real feelings.

Him living with her sister, his ex-lover. Her living alone while her husband sailed the seven seas. The sister recovering from a nearly fatal bout of cancer. Her growing a life inside her womb. Him becoming increasingly unsure of his place amongst them. Her too selfish to give him up. Him not wanting her to. The added complexity of Andrea’s news was causing Josh’s emotional pot to boil over.

It wasn’t easy for me to let her go, he said as they began to walk the gravel path along the shoreline.

She twisted her neck up at him with wide inquisitive eyes.

The truck, he clarified.

Right. She looked back down into her ice cream cup.

They ambled past the anchor memorial and the bench nearby that they’d once shared as a reprieve from the angst that had been building inside the cabin of his old Ford Ranger. Neither of them looked toward the places where the ghosts of who they were four years ago still lurked.

I really am sorry for what I said back there, he muttered.

It was silly of me to want to come here, she replied, still looking down.

No, it wasn’t. This place is beautiful. Even if it is haunted by the spirits of our shared past. He attempted a feeble laugh.

We’re hardly old enough to be reminiscing about the past during a leisurely stroll through the park, she joked. Then, more quietly added, But a lot has happened since we were here last.

They walked several muted paces. Josh took a bite of ice cream and glanced down at her with a deadpan expression when he said, I can’t think of anything specific. Can you?

Abby nudged his waist with her elbow and they both erupted with a genuine relief of laughter.

The leaves that dangled cautiously from the colouring maples in the park whispered as the ocean’s calming breeze drifted lazily uphill. Pebbles crunched below their feet, and