Sex and Sensibility

By Anne Harlowe

Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility contains a great deal of sex under the surface of the narrative. This verse-novel alternative pulls back the boudoir curtain to find out what happened to Colonel Brandon when he was stationed in the exotic east, what happened when Willoughby seduced his ward, Eliza, and how far Marianne allowed Willoughby to go when they visited Allenham together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: EKP
• Release date: Apr 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9798224064212

Anne Harlowe

Anne Harlowe was brought up in York, and was lucky enough to go to St Peter’s School. The city, with its rich history and magnificent cathedral, has been an important influence in her life, and has inspired some of her best work. She read English at Leeds University, and did a master’s degree dissertation entitled Jane Austen’s Heroines. Her first attempt at writing for publication was to produce a study guide for Pride and Prejudice, but after about 20 pages she got distracted by writing a short story entitled A Night at Pemberley. This was submitted to a Fan Fiction website and was well-received, encouraging her to attempt further flights of Jane Austen-related fantasy, the most popular of which are Darcy’s Dark Secret and Poet of Pemberley. Not content to hang on to the bonnet-strings of her favourite author, she began writing original works of Regency and Victorian romance, the most recent of which are Captain Cardew’s Conquests and The Romantic Adventures of a Between Maid. The study guide is still unfinished.

Book preview

Introduction

i.ii

Hail Muse, etc! – The worst is over:

The first few steps in many a mile;

The tale of a romantic lover

Written in Onegin style.

Why not in prose? Because a zillion

Others have done that. A million

Sales it won’t make – perhaps not ten;

Perhaps not one, but even then

It’s worth it. Those who like Sudoko

Or any similar word game

Will understand, it’s not the fame,

It is the game, the fun, the fluke ’o

Finding the right word or letter,

And poetry’s the same – but better!

The loss of Brandon’s would-be spouse

1.1

I start my story with a beauty

(What better place is there to start?)

Eliza – like an unripe fruit she

Was, but won Christopher’s heart

As a companion and playmate,

An ordinary day to day mate,

Until at last there came the day

When he saw her in a new way:

Not as a friend, but as a lover,

And was converted, like St Paul,

To a new faith which embraced all

And blinded him to any other:

Eliza then was his religion

(Forgive me for my irreligion).

1.2

To top it all, she was an orphan,

A little like Julie Rubine

Although Eliza suffered more than

That well-known Orphan of the Rhine.

That sense of someone unprotected

Brandon’s sympathy affected

And made him love her even more

Than he had ever, heretofore.

Eliza’s guardian and protector,

And uncle was Christopher’s father,

But he discouraged him. He’d rather

With his eldest son connect her

And thus use her inheritance

To free his lands from encumbrance.

1.3 

She was a beauty, full of passion,

With bright brown eyes and long dark hair,

High-waisters in the latest fashion

And a sophisticated air

That so belied the ingénue

Who all too readily withdrew

Inside her shell when he was curt.

Imagine how much she was hurt

The day her uncle Brandon told her:

"You’re marrying my eldest son –

You must forget the other one!"

Her heart went cold; her blood ran colder!

In those days, it was done that way,

Barbaric though it seems today.

1.4

Oh Christopher! exclaimed Eliza,

What can we do? He is so mean!

His answer very much surprised her:

"We will elope to Gretna Green.

We’ll not be rich, I’m just an Ensign."

But love is riches! "I should mention

My posting to the regiment."

I’ll go wherever you are sent.

To India? Where you are is heaven!

He kissed her. "Then deal is made.

Tell no-one else, except your maid –

No, do not tell your best friend even!"

A date was set. Nervous and numb,

She waited for the day to come.

1.5

It came. Eliza’s heart beat louder

Than was the chiming of the clock.

The silence of the night allowed her

To creep downstairs, the door unlock

And rush out to her waiting lover,

Waiting nearby under cover.

They kissed and got into the carriage

To hurry to their secret marriage.

But wait – what’s this? Their way is barred.

It looks as though they’ve been betrayed.

They have – and by Eliza’s maid!

No lovers have been so ill-starred,

Or suffered so much fear and fret,

Since Romeo met Juliet.

1.6

Brandon’s father sent him packing

To see a cousin far away,

And told Eliza she was wrecking

His plans for her, and made her stay

Indoors under strict supervision.

It was a rancorous decision:

She was allowed no liberty,

Amusement or society.

Made prisoner in her own home,

By one who should give her protection,

And doomed to wed without affection,

She prayed to God her end would come,

And swallowed laudanum to try –

But not enough – she didn’t die.

1.7

The day came for Eliza’s wedding –

To her it was a funeral:

Her wedding dress and bridal bedding,

Were funeral shroud and coffin pall.

But her cruel uncle watched her, smiling,

(Inheritances are beguiling).

Brandon (senior) also

(But Ensign Brandon did not go).

The vicar said in accents doughty:

I now pronounce you man and wife.

To Eliza – punishment for life;

To Robert – just another duty.

Never was wedding so miscarried

Since old King Oedipus was married.

1.8

Poor Christopher! He was heart-broken

Though his girl loved him in return;

Loved him with a wild abandon

That made his heart hopelessly yearn.

Imagine then, his pain and sorrow –

It seemed there could be no tomorrow

Just restless days and sleepless nights

Mourning a lover’s lost delights.

At last there came some consolation:

A regimental circular

Assigning him to lands afar,

Four thousand miles from this nation.

And so he took his leave of her:

The darkest day for Christopher.

1.9

His regiment went to Madras

On the East coast of India,

Where many white men die, alas,

Of typhoid and malaria.

His colonel said, "It won’t infect you

If you drink Port – it will protect you."

Though nothing helped against the heat,

The flies, and beggars in the street.

But the rich melting pot of races,

The sounds of the exotic East

And sights that made a visual feast,

Helped him forget familiar faces,

And one face above all the others

That haunted him – his former lover’s.

1.10

Another thing helped to distract him:

Delicious dancers of the Nautch,

Who, nearly naked to attract him,

Invited him to a debauch.

Well, why not? He had lost his lover

And he was free to take another.

He chose a black-eyed, brown-skinned charmer,

An expert in the art of kama:

He knew the missionary position,

But taught him half-a-dozen more;

On the bed and on the floor,

Loving without