Trash News

By A. Hack

Tired of not knowing which news stories in the media are real, and which are fake? Then read TRASH NEWS, a collection of humorous and satirical spoof news stories and articles to tickle your funny bone, and provide some light relief from all the doom and gloom in the 'real' news. TRASH NEWS: 100% fact-free news!

• Language: English
• Publisher: A. Hack
• Release date: May 13, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224301485

Book preview

Man sets new record for world’s loudest piss.

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A Dudley man has broken the record for doing the world’s loudest piss, it has been announced. Dan Tinkle’s wife Katy contacted Guinness World Records after frequently being woken up by the loudness of her husband’s nocturnal urinations.

Katy told us, Being a man of a certain age, Dan tends to get up once or twice in the night for a pee. I’m often woken by what sounds like Niagara Falls coming from the bathroom. Honestly, it’s like someone pouring a skip full of water into a swimming pool from a great height. He has tried peeing sitting down at night so it’s not quite so loud, but the toilet bowl just amplifies the noise of his farts, so it isn’t any quieter.

When asked how he felt about achieving the world record, Dan said, Yeah, I do tend to piss like a racehorse after I’ve had a few pints of homebrew. Now I’m the world record holder, I hope Katy understands that it’s something I should be proud of. She has asked me to close the bathroom door when I go for a piss at night to muffle the sound a bit, but shutting the door while I'm using the toilet in my own house when we haven’t even got visitors just seems ridiculous!

A spokesperson for Guinness World Records confirmed that Dan’s piss achieved a volume level of 120 decibels, breaking the previous record of 109 decibels set by German man Klaus Strongen-Spurten after he had attended the Oktoberfest beer festival in 2017.

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BREAKING NEWS: Online security at risk as robots learn to identify photos of traffic lights. 

Pupil claims ‘Bring a Toy to School Day’ is horseshit.

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Year 3 pupils at St Tesco’s Academy in Hackney were delighted when their teacher told them they could each take a toy in to school on the last day of term. Unfortunately, they were also given a list of items which aren’t allowed, which left many of the children disappointed.

Toy Day is horseshit! complained 7-year-old Noah Kray, whose hobbies are colouring in and Bitcoin mining. We’re not allowed to bring in anything good. Miss Wimbush said we couldn’t have anything expensive like a Nintendo Switch, in case it got damaged and our parents complained to the school. We couldn’t bring anything noisy, or toys with lots of little parts that might get lost, like Lego. We couldn’t have anything that rolls around the floor like a remote-controlled car, in case someone tripped over it and got hurt, and sued the school. We couldn’t bring anything that needs to be plugged in, because it would have to be PAT tested. We couldn’t have anything that fires missiles, like a Nerf gun, as the school doesn’t allow weapons. Duh, as if you could do any serious damage with a Nerf gun! We weren’t even allowed to bring in dolls like Action Man or Barbie, because of gender stereotyping. It’s all a load of health and safety aware, politically correct bollocks! Where’s the fun in that?

Noah, who wants to own a sweet shop or a strip club when he grows up, added, Just about the only thing we were allowed to bring in is a teddy bear, and then it had to be one with a fire safety label attached to it. A bloody teddy bear! We’re not babies - this is Year 3, not Reception class!

Glancing across to make sure his teacher wasn’t paying attention, Noah lisped through the gap where his two front teeth used to be, Sod this for a lark, I ain’t staying here playing teddy bears’ picnic. Me and Paddington are going for a smoke behind the bike shed. If Miss Wimbush notices I’m not here, tell her I’ve gone for a piss.

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BREAKING NEWS: Study shows 95% of all social media ‘likes’ come from someone sitting on a toilet.

Injured woman unable to call emergency services, as she isn’t wearing clean underwear.

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A Shropshire woman who was involved in a car accident earlier today has been too embarrassed to call the emergency services for help, because she didn’t change her underwear this morning.

Emma Brown, who runs a sanctuary for LGBTQ+ donkeys told us, I was driving down a country lane when a fox suddenly darted out in front of my car, causing me to veer off the road and into a ditch. I’ve sustained several injuries, and I’m unable to get out of the car as the door is jammed. I was about to call 999 for help when I suddenly remembered that I left the house in a bit of a rush this morning, and I forgot to put on clean underwear. I can’t believe I could have been so stupid! The one thing my mother drummed into me when I was younger was the importance of always making sure I was wearing clean underwear before leaving the house, in case I was involved in an accident.

Wincing with pain, Emma continued, "Not only have I had these pants on since yesterday, but because all my best undies were in the wash, I’m wearing the ones from the very bottom of my knicker drawer – a pair of old, saggy, granny