Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages

By Ben Alper

Imagine since the beginning of time, late-night talk show hosts walked the earth while commenting on the day's events. Author Ben Alper looks at history through the delightfully distorted lens of these evening comedic commentators.

Their monologues crack wise about then-current events-From 2,000,000 BC when Homo Erectus first r

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bennett Alper
• Release date: Mar 6, 2024
• ISBN: 9798218419547

Ben Alper

Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman, and many others. He has been an op-ed contributor, political analyst, and semi-amusing radio and TV guest. When not avoiding eye contact or being mistaken as aloof, he shares a wonderful life with wife Monica Collins and a dog he hopes one day will "get" him .

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Copyright © 2024 by Bennett Alper

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address below.

ISBN-979-8-218-38906-2

Cover and book design by David Lennon

First Printing edition

Right Side Publications

www.bennettalper.com

[e-mail]

For my family

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Let’s See What’s Happening in

the World.

Homo Erectus Walks on Two Legs

Fire Discovered by Humans

German Erotic Cave Art

Invention of the Wheel

5 Interesting Facts About New Invention Beer

Creation of the Abacus

Building of the Great Pyramid of Giza

Stonehenge Completed

Code of Hammurabi is Issued

Athens Introduces Democracy

5 Comments Overheard Inside the Trojan Horse

Vātsyāyana Writes the Kama Sutra

Alexander the Great Dies

Spartacus Leads Slave Revolt

Dentures Invented

Emperor Caligula’s Orgy Dos and Don’ts

Roman Colosseum Completed

Creation of the Hippocratic Oath

Fall of the Western Roman Empire

Pope Gregory I Compiles the Seven Deadly Sins

5 William the Conqueror Nicknames That

Didn’t Stick

Crusades Begin

Sir Lancelot Will Not Be On the Show

Marco Polo Returns from Asia

Chapter 2: What Else Is Happening in

the World?

Gutenberg Invents the Printing Press

5 Signs You May Have the Bubonic Plague

Michelangelo Paints the Sistine Chapel Ceiling

Nicolaus Copernicus’ Heliocentric System Theory

First English Language Dictionary Published

Galileo Galilei Discovers 4 Moons Orbiting Jupiter

5 Henry VIII Tips for a Great Marriage

Isaac Newton Develops 3 Laws of Motion

First Restaurant Opens in Paris

Storming of the Bastille Prison

5 of Leonardo da Vinci’s Lesser-Known Inventions

Catherine the Great’s Rumored Demise

Napoleon Bonaparte Exiled to the Island of

St. Helena

First Steam-Powered Passenger Railway

Begins Service

Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels Publish

CommunistManifesto

5 Early Draft Endings of Charles Dickens’

A Christmas Carol

Darwin Publishes On the Origin of Species

Queen Victoria Survives 8th Assassination

Attempt

Sigmund Freud Founds Psychoanalysis

Marie Curie Awarded Second Nobel Prize

5 Worst Things About Being Jack the Ripper

Chapter 3: Here’s One for the American History Books.

Juan Ponce de León Searches for the Fountain of Youth

Pocahontas and John Smith

Native American Reaction to First Thanksgiving

First Tavern Established in America

5 Firsts for Harvard’s First Graduating Class

Benjamin Franklin Discovers Connection Between Lightning and Electricity

Thomas Paine’s Common Sense

Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride

U.S. Declares Independence

5 Signs You Are a Salem Witch Possessed by

The Devil

Benedict Arnold Deserts Colonial Army

Bald Eagle Adopted by Congress as the

National Bird

U.S. Constitution Ratified

George Washington Inaugurated as First

U.S. President

5 Rejected Battle of Bunker Hill Orders to Troops

Whiskey Rebellion

Louisiana Purchase

Lewis and Clark Expedition

Monroe Doctrine

5 Rejected John Paul Jones Replies to Surrender

Chapter 4: But Seriously, Is This a Great Country or What?

Erie Canal Completed

Anesthesia Used in Major Operation

Donner Party

John B. Curtis Invents Chewing Gum

5 Things Daniel Boone Does Not Want You

to Know

California Gold Rush

Emily Dickinson

Elisha Otis Invents the Elevator

Henry David Thoreau

Completion of First Transcontinental Railroad

5 Samuel Morse Draft Telegraph Messages

James-Younger Gang Robs Bank

Thomas Edison Invents the Light Bulb

Invention of the Telephone

5 Rejected Titles for the Book Moby Dick

Billy the Kid Gunned Down

Gunfight at the O.K. Corral

Coca-Cola Invented

Statue of Liberty is Unveiled

Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show at Madison

Square Garden

5 Things Pony Express Riders Ask Themselves

World’s First Deodorant

Lizzie Borden is Acquitted

Wright Brothers Fly First Motor-Operated

Airplane

5 Worst Stephen Foster Fan Letters

President Taft Rescued From Bathtub

Introduction

Welcome to the book. What a great group of readers we

have tonight!

Late-night talk shows entertain, inform and remind us when the president mispronounces Azerbaijan.

Late-night hosts are modern-day town criers who play it strictly for laughs. Without them, we’d never know the presidents’ positions on foreign relations, or their relations with foreign floozies named Fiona.

From Steve Allen in the 1950s to Stephen Colbert today, the highlight of late-night TV shows is the opening monologue. It’s hard to imagine a time when there wasn’t a Steve, Jack, Johnny, Dave, Jay, Stephen, Jimmy or Jimmy observing politics and celebrity indiscretions, particularly ones that include the words arrested, Clinton, rehab and Trump.

All of this made me wonder: