Almost Daniel

By Angela Rue

This book was written for every parent or caregiver who struggles to understand their children who are unique and have no "operator's manual." The story tells of the journey of Daniel, a young man who was diagnosed with autism and contamination OCD in childhood, following his path from mild to full-blown to carefully controlled obsessive compulsive disorder.  In describing her efforts to understand and help her son become an adult, Ms. Rue shares her family's small successes and failures with the intention of helping her readers understand the power of positivity, determination, and love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Angela Rue
• Release date: May 20, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224571048

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Fate has been a dubious companion to me, sometimes I feel lucky, and other times…well. You know.

When you have a child who is unique, you get worn out sometimes. I started this book full of self-pity, gradually painting a picture of myself as a stoic and stalwart warrior-mom. Lucky for me, Fate stepped in and deleted the first thousand words I had written. As I sat staring at my computer in disbelief, I felt the corner of my mouth tug upward into a smile. 

Okay. 

Start again. 

More joy, less self-pity.

I called this book Almost Daniel because it has been a slow evolution to see him become the man he is trying to be, but it is only fair to point out that we are all almost ourselves. We are all still becoming.

What I have become is a mother who looks for potential in failures and success, bringing me a bit more humility and determination. I am more respectful of my subconscious instinct, especially reoccurring dreams, that nudge me away or toward a new path. I will occasionally refer to these dreams, always of houses. 

What strikes a chord of truth in your own heart is up to you to decide.

It is finally getting easier to see the man Daniel is becoming. He has given me permission to tell his story as long as I do so with absolute truth. He has no intention of being falsely portrayed as a hero or a victim—he is just a human being trying to be the best version of himself. I did choose to change most of the names in the story, though I am surprised that I need to. 

I will offer MY ADVICE: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT at the end of each chapter, only as bits of advice I wish someone might have given me. I don’t know if that advice will resonate or not, and please understand that I do so only in the spirit of parent-to-parent or perhaps parent-to-caregiver. I am no expert. I am a mom.

1

NEW BEGINNINGS

Fall 2022

As we walked into the building, Daniel was pulling his hood up over his waist-length hair, tucking it in carefully with latex-covered hands. I frowned slightly, and I could see his defensiveness rise up.

Please, was all I said.

I’ll take it off when I get comfortable, he replied, but then we both smiled. Because he is never comfortable. Daniel sighed and pulled it back, keeping the length of his hair inside his shirt.

Okay. I’ll try. We walked in, pretending to be two normal people, just a mother and son getting him moved into community college.

Our battle with each other and with OCD started a long time ago, and the battlefield has morphed from wearing gloves constantly to using too much of everything. Sanitizer sprays, sanitizer wipes, soap, shampoo, toilet paper, toothpaste, laundry soap…if it is for cleaning we have overdone it. Well, he has. While not a slob, I grew up in a big family where the three-second rule was stretched to six, and daily showers had to be done fast since someone was probably waiting for the bathroom. It’s still a mystery to me how we ended up on this unusual journey in the first place.

Daniel was diagnosed with high-functioning Autism early at two and a half years. I followed a lot of conventional guidelines for him, but part of me always felt like God made him unique for a reason, and that it would be wrong to smash it out of him. I don’t know if that was part of the problem or the solution at the time, and I still don’t know. I do know that he likes himself, and that makes my heart glad. There are enough people walking around in a cloud of self-loathing, and some of the crushed and obedient autistic teens I’ve met just don’t have enough fire in their hearts to make me wish that on my son. Even if he could be a pain in the butt.

As an infant, Daniel was quiet and watchful, unless he was full-out screaming. He loved to be held and never wanted to sleep. I remember joking that he would make a good military man, not needing sleep and eating only when he was really hungry. I didn’t get much sleep either. I cobbled the hours together and reasoned that two hours here and three hours there eventually added up. I was a new mom, and I adored him, but I was also ignorant. I raised him believing that he was just another little creature like a puppy or kitten who needed to be loved, fed, and kept clean. It was an overly simplified idea that would soon be shattered. Little things like cutting his fingernails or hair were awful, and I would wait until he was asleep to do it, staying up until past midnight. 

I was tired.

He loved tactile things and was a vigorous boy for a year and a half. He was happy playing with sensory tables I would fill with dried beans he could run his toy tractors through. He loved baking, spending hours mixing flour, oatmeal, and mild spices at his small table, eventually pouring the whole mix over his head as we laughed together. 

Daniel spoke, but not much. At his vaccinations, about that time, his doctor and nurses stood together and smiled as they coaxed me into getting him a new type of shot that contained six of his required vaccinations in one shot. 

It will be a lot easier on him they reasoned, and I went along with it because I trusted them. He started to scream as the needle went in and I held him tightly and spoke soothingly, but my heart constricted as his screams only grew louder and more frantic. He started to fight against me. At that moment his eyes changed—he looked up at me like he didn’t recognize me, and my blood ran cold. 

Something was wrong.

Daniel, it’s me! It’s Momma! It’s okay, baby. I’m sorry!