Fish From the Sky

By Steve Reece

For years, Monroe County Reporter columnist Steve Reece has been delighting readers with his insight into various subjects reflecting the South and American culture, history, and diversity. This second collection of columns, "

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stephen Reece
• Release date: Jun 10, 2024
• ISBN: 9798218439507

Book preview

Fish from the Sky

Steve Reece

Copyright © 2024

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Some (a few) characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Things That Are Strange and Relatively Unknown

Keeping Up with a High-Tech World

These Are the Facts, Ma’am

Good Dogs and Barnyard Bullies

Abnormal Outsiders and the Waffle House

Up to Six Fingers and Counting

We’re Rushing to the End

It Was a Banner Year

A Mountain Singer and Grinning Pickers

It’s a New Golden Age

Dedication

To Debbie. Singer, songwriter, musician, artist, bird whisperer, gardener, animal lover.

My inspiration. My wife.

Acknowledgements

My editor at the Monroe County/Macon Reporter, Will Davis.

My father, T.Sgt. Wayne Reece, who taught me to work.

My mother, who never learned to cook.

My brothers, John, David, and Scott, fodder for many of my stories.

My sisters, Sharon, and Janna, inspiration for many of my stories.

Erika Eiffel, who married the Eiffel Tower.

Sasquatch, for having big feet and being ugly.

Mrs. Angela Cavallo, of Lawrenceville, Georgia, who lifted a car off her son.

Levi Finley, who made it to the seventh grade.

Ham the Astro-chimp, who went into space.

Leonardo DaVinci, who loved a good prank.

Bertha Benz, world's first car thief.

The Thai Elephant Orchestra, who released three albums on the Mulata Records label.

Corporal Jackie, a hero baboon.

Ringo the Rooster, a barnyard bully.

Giuseppe Tartini, an Italian six-fingered violinist.

My good buddy, Ricky Gray.

About the Author

A bulldog reporter and a popular columnist for the Monroe County Reporter in Forsyth, Georgia, Reece, was the 1st place winner of the Georgia Press Association’s 2024 Better Newspaper Contest in the humorous column category.

He spent over 30 years as an art director and set builder on movies, TV shows, videos and trade shows in Los Angeles and Orlando before becoming a writer. Reece is also a master carpenter and website designer. He crafts his humorous and often informative tales in a yellow house on the edge of the woods with a new bride, two dogs, two cats, and two birds.

Things That Are Strange and Relatively Unknown

It All Depends on How You Look At It

W

ithout my glasses, I am legally blind. I need them to drive. I need them to walk. I need them to talk. I was born with this near-sighted affliction, which has never left me and never will.

Until I was ten, no one knew I had such poor vision—not even myself. I thought everyone saw the world as I did. My problems in school were attributed to my lack of intelligence. It was not that I was unable to see the blackboard or couldn’t make out the words in a book. I was just stupid, plain, and simple.

On the playground, I kept to myself. It didn’t bother me that I was never chosen to be on a team. I was relieved. The less attention that was on me, the better. I couldn’t see well enough to catch. I was too blind to throw.

Then, one day, an eye doctor and his team visited Will Rogers Elementary School, and all students were ushered into the cafeteria for a vision test.

After astounding the optometrist’s staff that I could even find my way to school, I was sent home with a note that said I needed glasses. I’m not sure why no one had ever noticed my extreme myopia before then. With six kids in the family running around, maybe the one consistently bumping into walls and knocking over lamps was easy to miss.

Back then, a person with eyes measured to be -10 on the diopter scale was forced to wear lenses as thick as the proverbial bottom of a Coke bottle. On top of that, mine had a hard line across the middle because I needed bifocals even at that young age.

With my new glasses, corrective shoes, and a military haircut, I was a goofy-looking kid and received much of what is now known as bullying. It wasn’t a big deal back then as it is now. It made me strong.

The first few days with my new glasses were a struggle. I could only wear them for short stretches before nausea took over. With the ground appearing so much closer, I was unsure how high to lift my feet when I walked and tripped even more over curbs and thresholds. My classmates laughed at the loud plops my heavy corrective shoes made as I clomped through the hallways.

On the other hand, I saw the magnificent world for the first time in my young life. I was amazed that leaves had veins and that ants had knees. The clouds were no longer just vague white shapes in the sky. They were fluffy. I saw stars for the first time.

Even though everyone still thought I was stupid and would always be, I took a genuine interest in this new world I saw around me, and my grades slowly picked up.

By the time I reached high school, I had read most of the classics and was making high grades in algebra and English. Being nerdy, I continued to be bullied and grew even stronger. And being strong, I set out to conquer the world.

Had I been born a couple of centuries earlier, it’s doubtful I would’ve ever gotten an eye test at any age. I would have likely been born into poverty as the poor son of poor Appalachian parents. Folks who indeed wouldn’t have been able to afford something as extravagant as a pair of spectacles for a skinny kid. I would’ve ended up living the life of a blind person. I wouldn’t have been able to read, write, or work out beautiful algebraic equations. I wouldn’t have ever been a carpenter because I wouldn’t have been able to see a nail. I wouldn’t have been able to work out the dimensions on a set of blueprints. I would more than likely never have been a writer.

I’m not sure what I would’ve done to survive. Mountain singers and guitar players didn’t make much money back then. I can’t see myself as a beggar on the street.

As I’ve grown older, my eyes have evolved into needing trifocals to get through daily life. Eyewear technology has evolved as well. The lenses in my glasses are high-tech, unbreakable, lightweight plastic, and you can’t tell where the focus changes as you could with my old-fashioned bifocals. I also have double vision, diagonally, and prisms are ground into my lenses to correct that disturbing issue.

Those who wear glasses know they can be difficult. They slip down my nose when I’m sweaty and fog up from air conditioning, and it’s challenging to see when they’re dirty or it’s raining. But still, they’re a lot less hassle than contacts and cheaper and less risky than laser surgery.

As it turns out, I was born at the right moment in history. I came into this world when technology had advanced so people like me could live regular lives. A pair of glasses might be considered a simple everyday item in today’s world, but I wouldn’t have had a chance without them.

Elbow Licking, Eyebrow Twitching, and Heavy Loads on Top of the Head

H

umans have bodies that empower us to adjust and flourish in diverse surroundings. Each part of our anatomy, from the crown of our heads to the tips of our toes, is crucial in ensuring our survival. Occasionally, these body components go far above and beyond their natural intended functions.

Starting with the head. It houses our most vital organ, the brain. It is also considered the most convenient location to don a hat. However, the head can also be used to transport a load of laundry, a container of water, or bags of groceries from Ingles.

In underdeveloped nations, many people carry objects atop their noggins like it is no big deal. In India, women transport bricks and rocks to masons using baskets positioned on their heads, effortlessly bearing loads equivalent to their own weight.

Now, let’s look at our ears on either side of our heads. They are undeniably our most peculiar-looking body parts. Their shape is disorganized and arbitrary, yet scientific research suggests that the hills and valleys of our ears channel sound toward our eardrums. A few talented individuals can move their ears to slightly enhance their hearing.

Less than a quarter of the population can independently wiggle one ear, while a maximum of 18% can simultaneously wiggle both ears. This unique ability can certainly come in handy when seeking attention at a party. It is also a way of waving hello if your hands are occupied.

Moving around to the front of the head, we have another convenient piece of equipment: the mouth. The mouth is suitable for eating, drinking, kissing, singing, and sometimes yapping nonstop. A Mount Dora, Florida preacher gave a sermon that lasted 53 hours and 18 minutes. It was a world record.

He began with In the beginning… in Genesis and continued until the final Amen in the Book of Revelation. He used 200 pages of notes and more than 600 PowerPoint slides to convey his spiritual message. It wasn’t reported if any souls were saved during the marathon reading.

Although it's generally considered impossible to lick your elbow, an American man named Nick Stoeberl, who has a tongue that measures nearly four inches. And that’s from the outside his mouth. He can lick either elbow with ease. Officially named the man with the world's most enormous tongue by Guinness World Records, Stoeberl keeps his mobile mass of muscular tissue in shape by painting portraits.

He wraps his tongue completely in cellophane, dips it in paint, and licks the canvas.  He signs his art as Lickasso. He says he sometimes feels a little uncomfortable when people ask to see his lengthy substitute for a paintbrush, but he feels he must be polite and pokes it way out.

Another record holder, this time with teeth, Walter Arfeuille of Belgium, lifted over 620 pounds of dead weight nearly 7 inches off the ground with his choppers in 1990.

He was given the nickname The Animal after he pulled eight railroad passenger cars weighing 223.8 tons for ten and a half feet with the same set of ivories. Arfeuille’s career took a bite, though, when he was busted for selling drugs and went to prison for two years in 2002.

While he was in jail, his record was broken by Rathakrishnan, a strongman from Malaysia, who pulled train cars weighing 260.8 tons nearly 14 feet.

Another handy piece of anatomy are the visual organs that show us the world. Some folks can see more than others because they can deconjugate their eye movements, which means they can move each eye in different directions simultaneously.

This can be particularly useful if they're watching multiple objects or scanning the horizon for boats while standing on the beach. People who have this amazing ability make good security personnel and are very funny at parties.

Some folks are party-poopers by popping out their eyeballs for about 1/2 inch. It’s a good way to win a few bucks in a bar bet. Other party-poopers flip their eyelids inside out. Also, gross. I haven’t tried that one since my left eyelid got stuck for a while.

We never really notice, but our eyebrows are an essential communication tool in conjunction with our mouths and eyes. They help us express emotion and prevent debris and sweat from falling into our eyes. This saves us from constantly wiping our foreheads. They also frame our faces and tie everything together aesthetically, making some of us pretty.

Not being happy with what they are born with, some people wax their eyebrows, tattoo new ones on, or stick jewelry through them. Some have only one eyebrow and shave or pluck the middle to make it look like two. That’s a good trick.

A famous party gag using the eyebrows is known as the Eyebrow Mexican Wave. If you want to be a hit at the next family gathering, here’s the tutorial: 1. Start by raising one eyebrow as if you were Rock Johnson facing an opponent in the ring. 2. Then move over to the space above your nose and lift it. 3. Finish up by raising the other eyebrow to achieve a surprised expression. 4. Repeat this movement in reverse. Then, keep repeating the entire move over and over.

I guarantee the laughs will come if you keep it up long enough.

Voodoo – Alive and Well

V

oodoo is alive and doing well. I’ve seen it up close and personal.

Voodoo first came to America in French Louisiana, brought by slaves from West Africa. They had extensive knowledge of poisons and herbs and carried their cultural practices and religion to this continent from their homeland. To this day, they carry on their traditions.

Their amulets and charms are used for healing, protection, and keeping a close connection with loved ones. To cure a variety of ailments, including anxiety, addictions, and depression, practitioners of the religion take spiritual baths, pray, chant, beat on drums, dance with snakes, and go into trance-like states. Things that might seem a little out-of-the-ordinary to the average person.

Early slaves in Louisiana were held in large groups far from white settlers and thus able to preserve their African traditions. After a slave revolt in Haiti in 1791, many took refuge, hiding in New Orleans. By the 19th century, Voodoo queens and kings had become influential spiritual and political figures in the city.

A small effigy commonly called a Voodoo doll is well known for the practice of inserting pins into humanoid figurines to cause harm to witches and the like.

Movies from the early half of the twentieth century depict people poking sharp pins into the dolls to cause sickness and pain to adversaries. By the twenty-first century, Voodoo dolls were everywhere as novelty items. Even nowadays, you buy them from vending machines in certain shopping centers, and there are YouTube tutorials on creating your own. The most challenging part involves securing a lock of your enemy’s hair. Once you approach with a pair of scissors, your enemy will immediately go into defense mode.

In truth, Voodoo dolls aren’t used in the Voodoo religion. Louisiana Voodoo High Priest Robi Gilmore said in 2020, Hollywood really did us a number. We do not stab pins in dolls to hurt people; we don’t take your hair and make a doll, worship the devil with it, and ask the devil to give us black magic to get our revenge on you. It is not done, it won’t be done, and it never will exist for us. Maybe not, but still, I’m staying away from y’all’s magic.

My brother David and I once set up camp on a riverbank in Alabama one Friday evening for a night of fishing and jamming on our guitars. Many folks in Georgia wouldn’t admit it, but some places in Alabama are beautiful beyond belief. This fishing spot happened to be one of those places.

We hurriedly pitched our tent, gathered firewood, and rushed to the river to catch supper. A waste of time. After two hours of watching the water go by; not even a nibble.

Of course, we were a little disappointed, but it wasn’t a deal-buster. Just in case, we were smart enough to bring along a few cans of sardines, some crackers, and more than enough beer, so we were good to go.

Soon, the sun went down, and a full moon came up. We brushed the cracker crumbs off our laps headed for the guitars for some fireside singing.

While we were wailing out a good one, about the third song in, David suddenly stopped and silenced my guitar by putting his hand on the strings. Did you hear that? I didn’t hear anything and told him to take his hand off my guitar while I was in the middle of one of my best songs.

And then I also heard the drums. Faintly at first, but somewhere in the woods, someone was drumming a beat with a strong Voodoo rhythm.

The person pounding that drum was really getting into it, and his music kept getting louder and louder. Soon, another drum joined in with an alternate beat that inspired my brother and I to pick up our instruments and add our sound to the strange sound that filled that Alabama forest.

All in all, it was a pretty good jam session, but when the moon was directly over us, the drumming faded away, and the fire was merely glowing embers. I poured what was left of my beer into the firepit. We packed up the guitars and headed for the tent.

We talked briefly about how strange the drums sounded and wished we could’ve recorded the night’s music. It sounded pretty good there for a while and was certainly something different.

David took off his shoes and zipped up his musty sleeping bag, which did little to cover the smell of his feet. It seems that the person who snores is always the first to fall asleep, and soon, I was listening to that racket.

Somehow, I finally dozed off, but a couple of hours later, probably around midnight, I was awakened by loud splashing in the river. It sounded like fish jumping, so I woke my brother and told him to grab the poles.

We ran down to the bank and were baiting our hooks when we saw thousands of snakes dropping from the trees into the water and swimming downstream. While we were standing there in amazement, the Voodoo drums started beating again.

We both reached the truck and slammed the doors shut simultaneously. I hate to admit it, but we left two guitars, two fishing rods, and a tent behind.

Crazy Love

M

arriage is supposed to be a permanent, everlasting devotion from one person to another. It is a sacred vow of commitment. Unless you are sure you have found your soul mate, this can be a terrifying promise to make to someone before God and the rest of the world.

For most of us, the perfect mate is a fellow human being. But for others, their ideal spouse is an inanimate object. At least there’s no arguing.

The day the Berlin Wall fell, and Germany was unified, on November 9, 1989, a Swedish woman became a widow. Her name was Eija-Riitta Eklöf-Berliner-Mauer, born in 1954. If you type her last name (Berliner-Mauer) into your translator app, you’ll find her name translates to Berlin Wall.

Eija married the Berlin Wall on June 17, 1979, during a public ceremony held in East Berlin. An animator was hired to say the vows for the groom. Before the wedding, she had written in a poem that her love for the wall was as strong as the concrete blocks that held Mr. Wall together.

Well, the concrete blocks weren’t as strong as she thought, and after her husband was demolished and lay in a pile of rubble at her feet, Berliner-Mauer went through some challenging times. For me, Berlin Wall exists as he was in his prime! she said. I will always love him. Those are my final words.

She continued to grieve, and her final, final words were spoken on Halloween 2015 when a fire tragically took her life.

Erika Eiffel (I’m sure you recognize the last name) is a 50-year-old American woman who was hitched to the Eiffel Tower in a commitment ceremony in 2007. She is also the spokeswoman for objectum sexuality, which is described as having a sexual or romantic attraction to inanimate objects.

Eiffel’s attraction to objects began when she was a cadet in the U.S. Air Force Academy in 1993 and was sexually assaulted. She defended herself against the attack using a training sword and afterward couldn’t sleep without holding the sword. It was the one thing that protected me. she said, And it just got worse.

It got so bad that she felt immediately attracted when she first met the Eiffel Tower in 2004. She says, Some people feel an innate connection to objects. It comes perfectly normal to us to connect on various levels, emotional, spiritual, and physical for some. I’m unsure if Berliner-Mauer knew it, but Eiffel said she also had a 20-year relationship with the Berlin Wall. Mr. Wall was a player.

Her bond with the wall inspired the musical theater production Erika’s Wall. She also appeared on Good Morning America and The Tyra Banks Show to discuss her marriage to the tower.

These two aren’t the only nuts on the planet, though. Linda Ducharme, of Florida, fell in love and married a Ferris wheel. The happy groom’s name was Bruce the Ferris Wheel.

Their long-term engagement lasted 30 years before she promised to love, honor, and obey in sickness and health the 70-foot-tall circular contraption in 2012.

Unfortunately, Bruce was heavily damaged during a storm, and she has spent nearly $100,000 bringing him back to health.

Ducharme says their relationship is like any other married couple, and they spend much time together over candlelit dinners. Before meeting her current husband, she also dated a plane and a train, but her Ferris wheel husband is the one that stays put.

A Chinese artificial intelligence engineer, Zheng Jiajia, was pressured by his family to find a wife and settle down. But there aren’t enough women to go around in China after the sex-selective abortions that occurred during the country’s one-child policy era.

His simple solution was to create a beautiful female robot he named Yingying. They dated for two months before he placed a red scarf over her head and, with friends and family bearing witness, carried her down the aisle in a simple yet traditional ceremony. She can speak a few simple words and, at the appropriate time, utter, I do.

Zheng plans to upgrade his wife to walk independently and do simple household chores like folding laundry and washing the dishes. He may be on to something there, now.

It isn’t only inanimate objects that people marry. Amanda Teague met pirate Jack Sparrow, a 300-year-old ghost, in 2014 when he came to her while she was lying in bed. Hmm.

They spent a lot of time together, and soon, she had deep romantic feelings for him. The two married because Teague wanted something more than just a sexual relationship.

Sadly, all is not bliss in the spirit world, and the two split up. Teague told the Irish Mirror, So, I feel it’s time to let everyone know my marriage is over. I will explain all in due course, but for now, all I want to say is to be VERY careful when dabbling in spirituality; it’s not something to mess with.

You don’t have to convince me, darling. 

Fish from the Sky

I

t's unbelievable what people will believe. According to a 2021 survey, 36% of Americans are convinced that ESP is genuine, even when confronted with solid scientific evidence that it isn't. Uri Geller, an internationally known psychic famous in the early 70s, went on TV and, to everyone's amazement, bent spoons by no visible means. He convinced the world he did it by using the power of his mind. It was a simple but impressive bar trick, and he made millions. His most impressive trick was getting rich off the gullible.

Nearly one-half of Americans believe the dearly departed may not have departed after all. In my research, I found 29 supposedly haunted houses scattered throughout Georgia. Fourteen have Savannah addresses. In Savannah, spirits are big business, and the city is known as America's most haunted place. 

An important haunted house near Monroe County is the Johnston-Felton-Hay House in Macon. Constructed in 1859, witnesses have reported seeing the spirit of an elderly woman in Civil War-era clothing wandering around the mansion.

She does whatever suits her fancy, like slamming doors, breathing over peoples' shoulders, and moaning in the master bedroom. You know, ghost things that are likely to scare the bejeezers out of you.

Fifty-six percent of people between the ages of 18 and 29 swallow the pseudo-science of the paranormal. Only a quarter of us are still believers by the time we reach 65. At least some of us gain a little wisdom as we grow older. 

Sixty-seven percent of us think there are creatures living somewhere in outer space. At least, that makes some sense. I'm a part of that crowd. Even Evangelist Billy Graham said he firmly believed God created alien life