Sober, now what

By Steve R.

Sobeer, now what is a book about getting sober?  It is a collection of thoughts and experiences that I gained over forty-five years of sobriety.  One of the first things we learn in early sobriety is that we must emotionally mature, this book talks about those issues.   If you are looking for something different than your ordinary alcoholic book, read Sober, now what.   

• Language: English
• Publisher: Steve R.
• Release date: May 29, 2024
• ISBN: 9798227784674

Steve R.

Steve is not only a diverse individual, he possess unique talents that set him apart from other authors concerning this subject matter. His vast personal knowledge and understanding about alcoholism qualify him to pen this story, experiences gained the hard way, living them day after day.

Book preview

Misty drive thought the Forrest — Stock Photo, Image Misty drive thought the Forrest — Stock Photo, Image

Sober, now what

Dedicated

To those who suffer, and

those still suffering from

Alcoholism, and their families.

Author’s Notes

Some of the names and identifying details of the characters in this book have been changed to protect individual privacy and anonymity. 

The Twelve Steps are reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.  (AAWS) Permission to reprint the Twelve Steps does not mean that AAWS has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication or that AAWS necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein.  A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only - use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities that are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, or in any other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise. 

Table of Contents

The Heavens Shook—Poem

Acknowledgments

Prologue 

Chapter #1 Pre-Sober

Chapter #2 Sober/Sobriety

Chapter #3 Emotionally Stunted

Chapter #4 Emotional Development

Chapter #5 Early Days

Chapter #6 Early Months

Chapter #7 Early Years

Chapter #8 Sobriety 10-40 years

Chapter #9 Now What

Chapter #10 There is an Answer

Chapter #11 Twelve Steps

Chapter #12 Learning to live

Chapter #13 Yes you can

Epilogue

The Angels Cried—Poem

Serenity Prayer

Numbers to call for help

About the Author

The Heavens Shook

Above the beyond,

beneath forsaken land

Heavens slightly shook,

quivering like a hand.

The Heavens Shook

Thunders shudder often,

noises bounce off nowhere.

Echoes lost inside silence,

inside a world laid bare.

The Heavens Shook

Atrocious pain below,

where nobody cares.

Drunkenness and delusions,

from empty stares.

The Heavens Shook

Enraged by agony and sorrow,

layering the barren land.

Gloom beside obscurity

like scattered sand.

The Heavens Shook

Secrecy covers everyone,

people hid over there.

Lost because of deceptions,

troubled souls everywhere.

The Heavens Shook

Crying and weeping,

the song they knew.

Blankness their friend,

while searching for a clue.

The Heavens Shook

Skies dreadfully shook,

unraveling in the above.

Praying for a mighty force,

to deliver His Love.

The Heavens Shook

November 19, 2023

Acknowledgments

I want to personally thank Alcoholics Anonymous for giving me the life I get to live today.  All of the members have helped me through my recovery.  Those that have endured my craziness, while I figured out how to get sober.

Also, I want to thank the man who came out in the middle of a stormy night, and who touched my life in a very special way.  Who left words with me that would change my life forever.  A person who can only come from God.  An angel disguised as a human being.  A person that I didn't know then but know now, would become my Sponsor, Adriel S.

He left a message with me that I have never forgotten, now I am going to leave it with you.  If you are riddled and your family with alcoholism, it must stop.  The chain has to be broken, why don’t you let it be you who breaks it.  Why not?

The two poems are a continuation of a poem my dear mother wrote when she was dealing with my father's alcoholism.  A time that was very dark in her existence.  The poem was called, The heavens shook, the angels cried.  

Also, I want to thank God for making all of this possible.  Without Him, none of this would have been thinkable. 

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.   

Dr. Erik Erikson Phycologist for the Emotional Development information.

Grant, thank you for your wonderful insight.

Bold Italics—Excerpts from books Born Broken and 1+3=5 by Steve R. 

Prologue

The question that every recovering Alcoholic or Drug Addict asks themselves in the beginning, yet they have no answer.  What does their future look like, what will tomorrow bring?  A perpetual continual question, no matter the length of sobriety, now what?  What will they face, will they be able to withstand the rigors of life?   

Before there is sobriety, there has to be a now what question, how did I get to this place in my life?  That question not only has to be asked, it must be answered.   There are thousands of questions before sobering, and there will be thousands more during sobriety. 

This book Sober, Now What, will try to answer as many of those questions as possible.  With over forty-five years of continuous sobriety, I not only feel obligated but also compelled to share my own hard-won experiences with alcoholism.

It has come to my attention these last few years, that most people in recovery struggle when life gets difficult for them in recovery.  They are bewildered by the situation that they find themselves in.  Many feel that they are doing something wrong, or they aren’t matching up to others-expectations. The truth of the matter, they have done nothing wrong.  Except struggle for their sobriety. 

It doesn’t matter if you have one day of sobriety, or if you have forty-five years of sobriety like I do. The difficulties and challenges will come your way, no matter where you’re at on the spectrum of sobriety.  Matter of fact, which most don’t know nor understand, it is normal to go through these difficult challenging times. 

So, the question becomes, not what you are going through, but how you live in The skin that you’re in during these times.  A difficult question to answer, but a question that can be answered.

The hardest most difficult thing that any recovering person will experience in recovery, is their successes.  Yes, you read it right, their successes.  It comes in many forms, most times the person can’t even identify it.  Yet, when we are capable of identifying it, it will scream at us.  Never forget success, and never forget there is a reason why it is so difficult to deal with. 

Every day we don’t put abusive chemicals into our bodies, it is a successful day.  It doesn’t matter if we shoot them, snort them, or swallow them.  The absence of any of these chemicals is a success, if you are an alcoholic like me.   After a short while in recovery, it is amazing but we usually feel guilty, like somehow, we didn’t deserve this gift we received.  You see this sometimes in tragic automobile accidents, when one lives and another dies.  The one that lives, has to work through the survival guilt.  Same thing in sobriety. 

As a young person, I found my way onto my Yellow Brick Road.   A magical road that I thought held all the answers to my unanswerable questions.

I found this Golden Magical Road; I knew exactly how to get on it.  My difficulty would be learning how to stay the magical course, and how to make it work every day for me.  I didn’t want to land, and I didn’t want to come down.  I wanted to just be able to float above all of life’s problems. 

I wanted to be able to just skip down that magical pathway made of gold.  I wanted life’s problems to bounce off of me.  I thought I had all of the answers, yet I knew nothing.  It’s amazing what life can teach us, now I am going to share those experiences with you. 

The Emerald City I skipped so hard toward all of my life, was always right in front of me.   I wasn’t capable of seeing that truth in my youth.  It would take time and experiences to unfold for me, it would take a lifetime of discomfort and chaos.

Many addictive people like me, like to think that they are on the Yellow Brick Road when they are using, it is only an illusion inside of their darkened twisted minds.  When they enter recovery that illusion of a special place vanishes, instantly.  They truly are lost at what to do.  They ask that unanswerable question, now what?  It is a difficult question that can be answered, but it does take time.

Whatever comes your way no matter when, that is now a Now What question.  Every experience that we experience has a purpose.  Good or bad, it doesn’t matter, right or wrong doesn’t matter either.  We experience all these things because we need to, they are helpers to help us recover. 

Once we understand that there are no negative situations in life.  All of a sudden it seems like we can deal with life’s situations, and challenges a lot easier.  Think about it, if everything that happens to us is for a good purpose, for God's purpose.  How special is that?  The mighty power, the mighty spirit, is directing your life in a special direction.  Get out of the way and allow Him to work, allow it to unfold.   

In my early sobriety once I learned this simple truth, then I started thanking God when things went sideways for me or became difficult.  When I had those hard unbearable days.  When my mind was clear I knew then just like I know now, all of it was there to help me grow. If you don’t grow you must go, like my friend Dale (Flower) always says.

The world around us doesn’t ever change. but our perception of it is always changing. You will be amazed once you learn this simple little truth.  Quit looking for all the negatives, quit making up excuses for everything difficult in your life.

I want you to think about this.  Having hard difficult days that are confusing and challenging, is just like hitting the lottery.  You are probably laughing saying this guy is full of mush, no he is not.  If every one of these difficult days is helping you build sobriety, what are they worth?  If every one of those difficult days is truly from God, how priceless are they?

They’re unmeasurable in their worth, they are magical from above.   I needed to experience every single thing I experienced, exactly how I experienced them.  That’s how I got forty-five years of sobriety.  You also will have to experience what you experience the way you do. Learn to be able to recognize these things, as they unfold in your life.   

Count your blessings every day, because you are being blessed, even if you don’t know it.  Even if you aren’t capable of recognizing it.  Even if it’s foreign to you.   

Greater is he who conquers himself, than he who conquers a city.            

Chapter One

Pre-Sober

At the end of the empty bar, he sat all alone, isolated, disgusted, and mumbling these incoherent protests to himself. While his head bobbled back and forth, like a bumbling idiot, only God’s grace kept him from falling off of the bar stool that night. Nobody is listening to him, because life gave up on him many years before.  Kneeling on his knees in the bushes, of the darkened street, he waits patiently, scouring up and down the block for any clues of a vacant home to burglarize. His stomach churned over and over with pain, knowing it would only get worse with time.  Knowing he needed some money to pay the dope man.  Clicking through the internet one click at a time, seeking to find that doctor that he had never met before.  Doctor shopping, he just knew he had to be there, somewhere.  The dope sickness was overwhelming now, yet he knew it wasn’t time to give up yet.  The prescription-only had two days left, they weren’t going to refill it anymore. 

Are any of these three sad desperate characters familiar to you, do you recognize any of them?  Could one of them possibly be you, or maybe all three of them? A sad state of affairs we find ourselves in, before sobriety surfaces in our lives.  An ugly reality that we must experience in the beginning, before the end.  It is always dark before the light can shine through the darkness.  The days are always long, but the years are even longer.   

Recovery to sobriety starts way before we quit using alcohol, or drugs, we have to be prepared for this new adventure.  No one shows up at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, to a Self-help group, or even a psychiatrist, without first being prepared.  You will not be any different.   Without a doubt, the preparation is very brutal, and degrading, to say the least.  For most of us, the preparation started way before we even considered living a sober life.  Truth be told, it probably started the day we started using alcohol and drugs.  Even though we didn’t know it then, we know that truth now.

This book is a collection of situations and information, that I gathered over a period of seventy-five years. Experiences that taught me how to live a different way, and challenges that gave me a new way of living.   Like other recovering people, who all had moments that they felt taught them something.   In these pages, I want to share my educational moments with you.  I'm not saying this is the only way to recovery, I’m just saying this is the way I had to go.  It worked for me, maybe some of this will work for you?   

The chemicals that we first injected and poured into our bodies, that first day we got loaded or drunk.  They gave us something that we weren’t expecting or even knew existed.  Something that we didn’t know we didn’t have until it appeared in our lives.  It gave us a Success.  A success we didn’t know we needed.  Yet, a success that would lead us to self-destruction. A purpose to pursue life, in a different illogical manner.   

It was the first time in our lives that we felt comfortable, in the skin that we were in.  We felt normal, we fell in love with this magical serum.  The very thing that would eventually destroy us.  Without even knowing it, that moment we opened the door to the abyss.  A door that was going to be challenging to get closed again.  Yet, a door that would and could be closed.

As we travel through this story together, I will reveal reflections of experiences that I endured during my drunkenness.  Moments, I can appreciate now because of my sobriety.  The bold black italics will be those reflections of another time.   Excerpts from the books Born Broken and 1+3=5, which I penned before writing this book. 

Let us take a look at that first chaotic moment.

My first drink:

After work late Friday afternoon, after being dropped in skid row, we waited for our friend David to buy us our booze.  We’d made friends with David on our first day in the fields. He, in retrospect, taught us how to survive the fields.  He wasn’t much taller than us, but he had confidence about him and we suspected that he knew just about everything a person could know.  We liked him and he liked us also. Our friendship would grow over time, but for now, our deal with David was simple. If he purchased us some booze, we would buy some for him. 

Jack my brother had heard in school that Sloe Gin was the booze to drink.  It was supposed to taste a lot like sweet plum juice. So, it wasn’t long until David strolled out of the liquor store with three pints of Sloe Gin for all of us and a fifth of Jack Daniel’s for himself.  In the parking lot, on the corner of Eldorado and Market streets down in skid-row, sweaty and dirty, watching cars speed down the road, the sight of David swinging our bag of booze next to his leg as he exited the liquor store seemed like a kind of miracle.  We were anticipating our night to come. We knew that inside that bag was a bottle of booze for each of us, and dreams of another place. 

We couldn't wait to get home with our booze.  Jeff had already gotten permission from his parents to spend the night with us.  All we had to do next was wait for my dad to leave for work. 

I didn't know that my life was about to take a drastic change that night, a change that would, over time, pull me into the depths of a personal hell.  I didn’t know that hell would be a tormenting void that would hold me prisoner.  I didn’t know that that night would be the beginning of my journey into the world of extreme alcoholism, a condition I would struggle with forever. 

My parents were off to work and we were free to be whoever we wanted—we were free to experience the forbidden fruits of adulthood.  We were about to do what we had been waiting for weeks to try.  With our recently purchased sloe gin tucked tight down in the front of our pants, we were headed down to Victory Park to see what it was like to get drunk.

Shortly after eight just before the sun sunk behind the horizon we were on our way, walking slowly toward the park, a little over a mile from our home.  We figured by the