My Chaotic Life As A Bipolar Person

By Samantha Smith

What exactly is the secret to always wearing a smile and living free-spirited despite life's challenges? How does one transform the obstacles of mental illness into a
journey of metamorphosis?

These were the questions that plagued me before I truly understood my own mind. Nothing could prepare me for the trials of my illness, which is why I wrote the book I desperately needed.
Within these pages, I unravel the mysteries often dismissed as "crazy" by society. From the struggle to be heard to the complexities of medication, gain firsthand insights into navigating a state of mind that defies societal norms.
Praised for intelligence and creativity, yet forced to color inside the lines. But what does this limitless state of mind truly entail, and why is it often deemed unacceptable?
Discover how my diagnosis became my salvation, empowering me to not only understand myself but also to support others in their journey, whether they seek help
or not.
Through unimaginable experiences, my story educates in a way that transcends medical jargon or online searches.

This is my story, my life jacket, and the survival guide I now share with the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Samantha Smith
• Release date: May 29, 2024
• ISBN: 9781067222666

Samantha Smith

I've worked in the healthcare sector for more than a decade. I have obtained numerous qualifications in the mental health aspect, that partnered my qualification as a Pharmaceutical Technician. I've always been fascinated about the mind and how it's been created. I now have the opportunity to tell my side of the equation, with firsthand experience. Diagnosed with a mental illness in my twenties has changed my life in ways that are unimaginable. Throughout my journey, and my own growing pains, I've managed to provide a shoulder to cry on for many people in this world. It's the most fulfilling part of it all. Striving to help people, it gives me great pleasure as I write this book, that maybe I can help one more lost person to understand. Creating comfort to some in my own advocacy. I believe that mental health is something we should all have access and help to. I want to give that to my readers, and make them feel that someone out there, understands them for who they are, or understands how incredibly unique people like us are. Every painful journey does not have to be your own heartache. If we all share our struggles, it might be the survival guide of the next person. 

Book preview

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I’ve worked in the healthcare sector for more than a decade. I have obtained numerous qualifications in the mental health aspect, that partnered my qualification as a Pharmaceutical Technician.

I’ve always been fascinated about the mind and how it’s been created. I now have the opportunity to tell my side of the equation, with firsthand experience.

Diagnosed with a mental illness in my twenties has changed my life in ways that are unimaginable. Throughout my journey, and my own growing pains, I’ve managed to provide a shoulder to cry on for many people in this world. It’s the most fulfilling part of it all.

Striving to help people, it gives me great pleasure as I write this book, that maybe I can help one more lost person to understand. Creating comfort to some in my own advocacy.

I believe that mental health is something we should all have access and help to. I want to give that to my readers, and make them feel that someone out there, understands them for who they are, or understands how incredibly unique people like us are.

Every painful journey does not have to be your own heartache. If we all share our struggles, it might be the survival guide of the next person. 

FOREWORD

It's easy to find the clinical terms and explanations of what bipolar disorder classifies as. Recognizing it in your own life is not that simple. This disorder manifests in various ways, making it challenging to pinpoint a specific symptom as described online.

I've likely been asked the same questions countless times, and honestly, explaining can be quite exhaustive, often leaving some questions unanswered. So, I figured that the next time someone asks me what my bipolar life is like, I’d just throw my book in their face.

On a more serious note, this book will delve, from my personal perspective, into what life with bipolar disorder entails. The highs, the lows, and the raw, in-between moments that few dare to share. This isn't a detailed, technical book filled with medical jargon and dull terms. It's an invitation into the mind of someone with bipolar disorder. These are the raw truths of how we navigate real-life challenges.

I hope my deranged stories and experiences I've been through, will shed some light, and maybe even help some of you out there to seek help, or look at mental illness more clearly than before.

I dedicate this book to myself because I sure as hell deserve it.

INTRODUCTION

Many ask what the purpose of my book will be. I’d like to say that the stories I tell and the jokes that I share, all have meaning if you look close enough. They educate in a way that the internet, or any research can’t. Isn’t it easier to understand when you experience something firsthand? Most people wouldn’t necessarily remember an article word for word, but an interesting story told by a friend just somehow sticks around.

Chaotic. That is what I call it. It's up and down and turn around, but the song is just always on repeat.

I don’t necessarily think of myself as a mentally ill person. I consider myself gifted. There has to be a reason for all of this. My lifelong search of the unknown, I suppose.

A few years ago, my life has changed. I’d like to say for better, but we all know the vows include the worse too. Mental illness consumed me in such a way that I became more known to life without limits. I’ve experienced the unimaginable.

Winston Churchill, Beethoven, Newton, Van Gogh, and the list goes on. We all share something that most don’t understand. Something people need to hear, instead of wondering what really goes on upstairs.

Medication and side effects are mixed in here as well. Yes, even the psych ward has its own paragraph or two. My experience and education helped me prepare this guideline for the next trooper. My journey is mostly untold but could reach so many lives. Who knows if it could help to remove a part of our stigmatized society one day. I hope to save a few more lives as it continues because I know how it feels to be an outcast.

My confused and unquiet mind was made for many things, but through my writing I started a journey of the unimaginable. Allow me to guide you through the exploration of an alternate reality.

MY CHAOTIC LIFE AS A BIPOLAR PERSON

© 2024 Samantha Smith

CHAPTER 1:

THE SPECTRUM OF EMOTIONS

Manic depressive. I guess the word says it all. I’m manic, depressed, and sometimes even both at the same time.

I’ve been through the most unimaginable ecstasy of happiness, experiencing a sense of limitlessness that's hard to put into words. With those vivid colors and moments that felt out of this world, everything seemed to click for me, even though I never took any of those ‘limitless’ tablets. The smart kids never shared.

Unfortunately, others labeled me as crazy for my experiences. It's disheartening to consider that most people may never comprehend what this feeling is like or even acknowledge the existence of such a state of mind.

Unfortunately, I’ve also seen some of the darkest, and most crippling, depressive days of my life too. I'd say I've been through hell, but it feels like I went beyond that, and words can't describe how truly awful it was. I held on for dear life and now, I can take you into a world that doesn’t exist to others. You’ll get to know what your mind is capable of, creating fear when there’s nothing there. The good, the bad, and the in between, I will expose it all.

I'm not here to share my life stories or talk about my upbringing. I’m here to show you that ‘normal’ people can get mentally ill too. There are different kinds of bipolar disorder, and this is based on my individual experiences only. My goal here is to educate, and if that means you feel eerie about what I write, it might just be a good thing. Allow me to rewire your brain into believing that mental illness, can be a perceived as a gift too.

It’s beneficial to know the signs and symptoms because you might be the only person who recognizes it early enough to help someone someday. I've attended countless training sessions on this exact topic and even received certificates for something I never anticipated experiencing within myself. Yes, I paid attention and moving me to another seat just created new conversations, so my lecturers knew when to give up. Back then, I didn't really give much thought to mental health because I felt okay, my circle seemed fine, and I assumed anyone struggling with bipolar disorder had likely sought help by then. Life was great because this was never my battle, and I didn’t need to care or know about it. We’re all slightly guilty of this. We only ever deeply care about what’s relevant to us. Death by Karma almost nailed me right there.

Ever since I’ve had this first-hand experience with my own mental health dilemmas, it’s very easy for me to pick up on someone else’s mental wellbeing, even if they don’t say anything at all. My experiences have led me to helping many of those who do, or even don’t talk about it at all. Not many people choose to talk, and this is why we need to educate ourselves. We need to reach out to those who ask, but also don’t ask for help.

So, what are the exact symptoms of bipolar disorder? Well, it’s when your husband tells you you’re crazy and you fail to believe him. That's my true story, but I'll leave it to you to decide how to recognize if you, or someone you know might need a psychiatric evaluation. The one guideline is not to observe and diagnose your relatives or in-laws and then pin it on me. I’d like people to read my book and not throw me with the sharp edges of it.

Before I start with the good stuff, I’ll need to share the basics of what this disorder is, and how it’s diagnosed, in order for you to follow along. I vowed to keep it interesting, so this is the extent of the less thrilling content.

Bipolar disorder is associated with episodes of severe mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs. It’s not just a typical mood swing and it includes different types i.e., Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2, cyclothymic disorder, and more. The only way to know for sure what the accurate diagnosis is, is a psychiatric evaluation. During this visit, your doctor will use a diagnostic tool, such as the DSM-5 or maybe another resource, to review your symptoms closely.

Sadly, there are no tests to confirm a definitive diagnosis, though there are many tests that can rule out other possible causes related to the symptoms you experience. There are so many different diagnostic criteria for the above mentioned, however, I won't delve too deeply into those aspects since I lack the expertise and personal experience with other forms of my disorder. I can only share the facts I'm familiar with from my own experience.

With that said, my diagnosis is rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder, with some hint of mixed features thrown in there every now and then too. To receive a diagnosis for my delightful blend of emotions, you must have at least one true manic episode lasting for a few days or it being severe enough, that it requires hospitalization, or so I’ve been told. It might sound simple, but there’s a lot more to it. I’m one complicated creature, and perhaps a different breed at times.

You’ll get to know the true meaning of mania and the different kinds of it as you read along. You can either have full blown mania, often seen as the bipolar 1 trademark, or hypomania, the less severe kind, and more often seen in bipolar type 2.

The difference between bipolar 1 and 2 is most commonly the severity of the mania, although both suffer from depressive episodes. Sometimes bipolar disorder can even get misdiagnosed for unipolar depression since mania can go unnoticed.

Rapid cycling is where my episodes are more frequent and can start and end at