Passing Memories That Still Haunt My Mind

By Reptilian Studios

Once upon a time, it took Ted Lee a long time to fix his mental health and become a person he could look in the mirror and be proud of and love, and now once again he was broken, lost, and confused as he tried to assemble the shattered pieces of himself after a devastating heartbreak. The road to a happy life is the most difficult to pass through. It's more challenging than any rainforest, desert, or mountain, and even though he crossed this road once it didn't mean it was the same as he remembered it. Now passing it, trying to become who he once loved, he found it moreto be challenging than before, so with no other option he was left with nothing else but to look back and revisit his life as a teen and a child to try and discover a road which he once took, and hopefully find a way to gain his emotional, physical, and mental stability. He searched for answers to who he was and how he became who he is today as he opened up about the worst period of his life. Memories of his past still haunt him, and now as he went through the process he shared a part of his life once more to help himself and hopefully others so they can see they're not the only weird kid. He hopes that they deserve to be loved, and with this novel, he hopes it will inspire you to work on yourself, be kinder, and be better human beings.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Reptilian Studios
• Release date: Jun 5, 2024
• ISBN: 9798227997913

Book preview

The content of this book is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition or disease. You understand that this book is not intended as a substitute for consultation with a licensed practitioner. Please consult with your own physician or healthcare specialist regarding the suggestions and recommendations made in this book. The use of this book implies your acceptance of this disclaimer.

AFTER LIFE

Many friends have many fantasies and goals but some of them rarely make plans for what to do in the afterlife. Throughout our lives, we tend to grow and mature so our priorities and desires change, and with it, those childhood or teenage dreams fade into nearly forgotten memories that you’ll probably never think about again. Some are worth remembering so before I forget it, I will write this one down so it can live on. I had this neighbor who sort of grew up with me. He was the kind of guy who was always there. I think that I have never invited him once, but for some reason, he just kept coming back. For a time, he was super popular, and I? Well, I had the popularity of a homeless ghost, so the question as to why he was coming back is still unknown. He was four years older than me and not the type of person I wanted to be around. We barely agreed on anything. The only thing we agreed upon was that Ian Somerhalder is probably one of the most attractive male celebrities. I met him when I was seven or so when I was kicked out of the house for not wanting to socialize and play with anyone. I just wanted to read books in silence. How wrong could that be? I remember having a lot of anxiety and I just approached the first person and asked if I could play with them. That person handed me a rock to throw at some other kids, the kid that’s innocent to this day and with whom I sometimes still talk. As it turned out this motherfucker stuck around even when everyone in the street stopped hanging out. We were growing up, and that’s how it goes. One day you’re shooting some hoops, the next you catch up on what you missed, which turns into enthusiastic helloes, then nods, and then you just stop looking at one another. I was always the one that would ghost all of my friends and stay away, but this guy was persistent, unfortunately. In the following course of a few years, he would sometimes stop by for a few minutes because he was having problems at home, little did he know my problems compared to his were so much worse, but he just didn’t care enough to know. When he would come over, I would mostly ignore him, but our so-called friendship began taking shape when I was around 12 years old. He was 16 at the time and had just started smoking weed and when he brought it to my house, I saw it as an opportunity for free weed. Before you start to judge me know that this motherfucker bullied and tormented me when I was 7. He was stupid, arrogant, and cocky, he would always talk about me behind my back for years to come, and more, so my using him for weed is beyond justified. There’s a certain code that people usually follow in the streets, and for a minute we’re like that, but when authorities get involved everything changes. Sure, there is a street code and rules but where I come from everybody’s snitching. You can find snitches everywhere you go but people like this guy are not just snitches. People like him will snitch on you, tell everyone they know that you’re a snitch, and then come to you with a hug and mascaraed in front of you with their false ideals and principles with the fakest smile, and on top of that they will call you their best friend. Looking back, I wouldn’t have kept him around for weed, but rather I would cut him out of my life way before I did. My mistake was deep in all the drugs we did together for a few years that I actually considered him to be my friend. I never felt comfortable around him but as a loner and an addict, you tend to ignore the signs of toxic people. You tell yourself stupid excuses and just find a way to justify their behavior in any way that you can. I can’t believe I allowed that guy to be a part of my life, but at least that experience made me a better person.

Now, the idea of after life is an interesting subject because nobody actually knows what happens after you die. Everyone has a different opinion, and I am lost in thought every time I try to think about what will happen. To put it in simple terms there’s no right answer, but there was one, if you could choose what will happen to you after death than what would you choose? Before the age of 14 I thought about death a lot, and to be honest, even if it is a grim mentality to have, I didn’t think or care where I would end up, as long as I was dead. One night a random I’ve got question from the man I mentioned earlier which went a little something like this"

"If vampires aren’t real than what would you want to do after death?"

I should have stated that I had a slight obsession with vampires at the time. Upon hearing the question, a lot of jokes were in the air because we were so high before landing on an answer that we both liked. The plan we thought was cool is if our spirits could haunt my childhood room for the rest of the time and with it, we can smoke weed as ghosts and observe new generations in development. Now, that plan makes me nauseous. There’s no way in hell that I would even consider being trapped with someone like him for the rest of eternity. As a matter of fact, I think that I haven’t met a single person that I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of eternity with in one space. Ah, the thoughts of insanity are already going through my mind as I try to picture what would that look like. Being trapped day in and out with the same closeted homophobic prick is enough to drive anyone insane. Even though I made a plan with some moron it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Out of all the things and possibilities of after life is the one, we made up so bad? I would love it if I could choose with whom I can spend the rest of eternity, but even if not, it beats the never-ending torture in hell.

Haunting a room or a place sure is an original ha-ha, but there are other interesting things that I wouldn’t mind happening to me post-death like the plot of the movie How High. That seems like a really interesting thing that I would love to go through. Next up, I would love it if someone froze my brain like Walt Disney so that I to wake up in the future and see the world destroyed as we all know it’s going to happen. It’s either going to happen by A.I. or global warming, but just think what it would be like to stand on the ash and wreckage of humanity. I would love to see the black and red sky above death and destruction so I can write a book for the new world that they will treat like the bible, only my version would be better. Unless of course humans from Mars come back to Earth and redo all the good work that was done in the process, which by the way sounds a lot more plausible than me writing a book from an Android body that will lead the tomorrow people.  Hmm, I want to say reincarnation seems like the best idea, but it’s still based on religion, but I also can’t say make brownies out of my ash like Marshall Erickson because I don’t know if I would be okay with people eating my ash. You know what? Go for it. Why would I care what would happen to my ashes?

Now, before I finish this off, I want to say something about death. Don’t be scared of it. Death is the most natural part of life and sometimes to this day I still hear a gunshot in my head whenever I get anxious or depressed signaling me that I can end my life any time and any problem before me won’t matter. It’s so unhealthy to have a recurring thought like that one in your head but it’s also sort of comforting. Knowing that there’s a solution (even one that shouldn’t be done by anyone) provides sort of a comfort to the situation as it distresses a person just a little bit enough to handle the situation at hand. I can’t stretch this enough but don’t try this for yourself. It’s incredibly toxic to be in the constant head space where death is something that you think about at least 3 times a day, but you should fear nor run from the thought of death. I want to make this clear to everyone. Facing your fears makes you strong, staring death in the face makes you strong, and knowing your limits by being aware of your mortality makes you a better and humbler person.

Also, I just need to say this even if it won’t make any sense to anyone. If you’re reading this then probably disregard this if I’m still alive. If one day I die under mysterious circumstances with no DNK left behind and with claw marks across my body, then I know that she found me and that it wasn’t an accident.   

ARTISTIC RESTRICTION

Since I could remember I’ve been an artistic soul. Some parts of me got drowned in depression in my never-ending childhood despair, but some still burn bright inside of me. The thing that most of us, probably all say at some point in life is if I had a chance to go back in time and do it all over again, what would I change? For me, the answer was always simple. If I had that power, I would choose to be raised in a better family. I mean there are worse parents in the world, but mine aren’t far on the list for the worst of the worst. It’s quite saddening to know just how much further in life I would be if only I was raised in a better home. It doesn’t need to be a functioning home, just better.

Ah, do you even realize what kind of a life I would have? I know a lot of people say this, but I actually did want to buy Bitcoin for example when I was a kid, but my so-called mother wouldn’t allow it. I wanted a camera to make documentaries, and short creepy videos, and hell, there was even a time when I wanted to record myself playing video games and this trend was just starting out. I wanted to write, draw, and make nerdy DIY stuff, but every time I would get close to anything my family would find a way to ruin it by physically and mentally abusing me, destroying everything I made or drew, and so much more. For God's sake, I was creating a comic book when I was little and it took me nearly half a year to draw 30 small pages, but it only took my so-called sister 30 seconds to rip it into shreds. As an artist, I had the ultimate restriction. If there’s anything worse than being denied the opportunity to express yourself through art it’s that you do get the chance but before you do anything real with it you have it destroyed by someone out of pettiness, jealousy, and resentment. As our inner Gina Linetti would say, everyone in my childhood home cried when I was born because they knew that they would never be great as me. How awesome is Gina by the way? Joke aside, it’s true. As a kid, I thought they just hated me, but as I’m getting older, I see that it’s nothing more than inner resentment towards themselves that they had to project onto me, but then again death threats from my family are just something else that I don’t wish upon anyone. Even though it largely slowed me down and damaged my mental health at least now I appreciate stuff that I do more, but there is a part of me that thinks if I was raised inside of a different home how far would have, I gotten, or would I have any artistic nerve in my body. Think about it. If you were raised in a different home, it could have led you in a different direction in life. I could have been basic. Holy shit, that’s even more terrifying. As a kid I always said:

"I hate that I’m different, but I would hate it if I was normal."

There’s truth in that, but now I sort of love who I am. I might not enjoy mental illnesses, the constant struggle to get where I want to be in life, recurring loneliness, and some other problems, but when it comes to me as a person and a human being, I absolutely love who I’ve become. I’m so proud of how much I went through and managed to get on top. That’s something