The Slaying of a Princess: The Confession of a Christian Counselor and Her Journey of Transformation from Princess to Warrior

By Kelli Hankins

Loss.

Tragedy.

Devastation.

Redemption.

Restoration...Testimony.

All of this can be found on the pages inside, but testimony is where it all ends. If our stories and the lessons we learn from them along the way are not used to encourage the hearts of others, then it is all a waste. It is sure that one or more elements of my story will be relatable for you personally in one way or the other. That is the whole point in telling it. Telling it was so very hard. I learned to find comfort with new levels of humility and vulnerability like never before, but if it touches just one heart, it will all be worth it. If my story keeps just one person from harm or provides hope for those already in a seemingly unending place of darkness, then all that I endured in getting my story out fulfills its purpose.

You are not alone in your struggles. You are not alone in your pain. You are not alone in the dark places that sometimes overwhelm and leave you feeling defeated. You may not be in view of the light, but it is there, so do not lose hope.

I invite you to read my story and find encouragement and support. You are valuable, you are loved, and you were created with a purpose. So press on, my dear friend. Beautiful things await you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: May 30, 2024
• ISBN: 9798891122802

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Preface

Introduction

The Initial Revelation

Lessons Learned

Pause, Remind, Refocus

The Beginning of the Story

Make No Mistake, We Are at War

My Wilderness Journey

The Path to Bondage

The Power of Pursuit

The Power of Praise

The Power of Prayer

Provisions in the Wilderness

The Practice of Obedience

The Promised Land: Our Place of Freedom

From My Heart to Yours

Acknowledgments

About the Author

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The Slaying of a Princess

The Confession of a Christian Counselor and Her Journey of Transformation from Princess to Warrior

Kelli Hankins

ISBN 979-8-89112-279-6 (Paperback)

ISBN 979-8-89112-280-2 (Digital)

Copyright © 2024 Kelli Hankins

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

I dedicate this book to my friend Vanessa, my voice of gentle wisdom. She has been my partner in mourning and in celebration every step of this journey. Her love for Jesus is evident to everyone who knows her by the bright countenance on her face and her precious smile. Her laugh has helped me find joy in the midst of heartache. Her walk with Jesus is evident in everything about her, including her love and devotion to family and her constant acts of selfless service to others. The friendship, accountability, and support she has given to me have been invaluable as I have navigated this journey. She is a gift to anyone who knows her, and I am blessed to call her friend.

Preface

Hello, sweet friend.

Wow…just wow.

I am in awe that you have picked up this book and plan to read it.

I am seriously humbled by that.

Who am I that you would care about what I have to say? I really am just a regular girl, but I do have quite a story to tell, and it is my hope that what I have learned will benefit you in one way or another.

I definitely would have never called myself a writer (and I still do not). I guess I would call myself a writing tool. It sounds silly. Right? That is not a statement made out of false humility. I really am not a writer. I have never in my whole life ever given one thought to being a writer. Before the dramatic unfolding of the most intense battle of my life that began in August of 2016, the thought of writing had never even entered my mind.

It is all a little overwhelming to think that you have made the choice to take time out of your busy life to read the words that are written in this book. Because of that, I want to be clear about something.

This moment is all about you.

Yes, you read that right. This moment in time, as you read the words on this page, has been orchestrated by the God of the universe because He wants to talk to you. He wants your attention. He is crazy in love with you, and He knows that something in this book will penetrate your heart and resonate in your soul in such a way that you will be forever changed. The words you are about to read are His words. They are not mine. I just typed them out. They are His words. This is His message, and it is all for you! It took a long time to get to this starting point, but I am finally ready. God is ready for me to dive in. He has shared with me and taught me so many things for me to pass on. I am doing my best not to jump out of my skin with excitement at what is just around the corner, so let's get started!

Introduction

Allow me to introduce this book by telling you a story. It is a story of a little girl who grew up and lived in a beautiful kingdom. In this kingdom, her Father was the king, which, by association, made her a princess! Growing up in that beautiful place held such wonderful memories for the princess, and though she encountered trials at points in her life, she was always loved and protected by her Father. She was raised with the knowledge and understanding that she must abide by the rules of the kingdom for her safety. Her Father, the king, put these rules in place out of love for her. She tried her best to honor the King in all the years of her growing up and enjoyed extreme blessings!

When she became an adult, there was a time when she developed a curiosity about the world outside her Father's kingdom. She had always known there was an enemy with a multitude of armies out there that wanted to harm anyone who belonged to the King but had never actually encountered one for herself. She was confident in her position as a princess and felt sure that she could handle anything out there beyond the kingdom borders. Something in her questioned if there was really as much to worry about as she had always been told.

One day she met a seemingly nice man who entered her world and claimed to be a member of her Father's kingdom as well. Because of his professed connection to the kingdom, she assumed that his sudden newness to her world was harmless. What she did not know was that he was under a spell by the wicked one who ruled over the world beyond the borders of the kingdom and that the enemy had sent him to lure her into the dark world by disguising the man as one in need of help. During the course of trying to provide help to the stranger, she developed a strong and unexpected connection to him. That connection created a curiosity in her about the world that her Father had told her to avoid at all costs. Something about the newcomer made her feel alive and excited. After getting to know the man for a long time, her natural guardedness began to relax, and she willingly accepted his invitation to venture out into the unknown in spite of knowing it was in direct opposition to her Father's instruction and will.

Her intentional decision to disobey the King's orders landed her in a dark, evil place where she was pursued relentlessly by the enemy of her very soul. Once she crossed the borders of her homeland into the forbidden place, she was constantly running for her life and safety while trying to find her way back home. Her journey in search of home was treacherous, and she wondered every day if she would ever find refuge in her Father's kingdom again!

Would she find home again? Could she? Was the darkness too all consuming? Were the enemy forces too clever and strong to keep their hold on her? This is the metaphorical version of the very real-life story you are about to read but with all the detailed events included. The naivete of the princess and her innocence was soon shattered as she fought to survive. Though her body was not fully slain, her princess mentality most certainly was, and what came from that slaughter was a determination to never again fall for the tricks of the enemy and to serve as a warrior in the kingdom on her own behalf and on behalf of others who belong to the King.

In the pages just ahead is the real-life version of a princess turned warrior in the battle of her life!

The Initial Revelation

Before I begin writing the main storyline, it is very important that you understand how this book even came to be. Honestly, the completion of this book in and of itself is a miracle since my initial attitude and mindset was dead set against ever sharing my story. You see, in my experience as a Christian counselor, I know that God will often allow you to experience certain things in order to better help those who come to you for guidance. This was not uncommon, and even though it was not always pleasant to go through difficult experiences for this reason, I welcomed it if it would help those the Lord would eventually bring across my path. This experience was different though.

The minute I began to change direction and heal from the mess I had made, I was very clear with God that I had no intention of ever sharing my story. I was clear with Him that it did not matter to me if it could help others or not. I did not want anything to do with using it for good, so to speak. I wanted just to survive it, heal from it, and never ever think of it again. If I thought I could pray to God for a supernatural lobotomy that would erase all the memories of this horrible experience and have Him grant it, I would have. In the beginning, I was dogmatic about this, with no intention of changing my mind for anyone.

Somewhere along the way, I was made aware of someone close to me that was going through a difficult time. I was also aware that sharing parts of my story could be beneficial in helping them find peace and heal from their own place of brokenness, so I reached out to them and did just that. Because I loved them so much, the Lord knew this would get my attention. I remember the Lord prompting my heart that there were more who would need to learn from my story as well and that He needed me to share my story without regard for myself. At that point in time, I had no idea how I was to do that. I did become a little less resistant but was still fighting against the idea.

Several more months passed in my healing journey, and I heard the Lord speak to me (not audibly but in a voice that I know well as my Father's voice) about how He wanted me to share my story. He told me I was supposed to write a book about it. I almost did not want to take that seriously, because as I mentioned previously, I have never considered myself a writer at all. When I rebutted His prompting with my selfish reasoning, I felt Him follow up by assuring me I would not be the one with the words to write but the one who would write the words as He gave them to me. That was profound and quite a relief too. I was glad we would not be relying on my ability to complete such a daunting task, and I offered a willing heart to do as He asked.

On a few different occasions after that, I tried to begin writing. Firstly, I had already forgotten how I was supposed to wait for His words and not my own, but secondly, my attempts seemed completely futile. After each attempt, I was so frustrated. Delving into my memory banks to start writing upset me greatly and brought back all the associated sadness and grief along with many other awful emotions. I fell short at every attempt. After many tries without success, I went to the Father with my frustration, and He clarified in a most gentle way that though He had informed me I was to share my story in book form, He had not indicated yet that it was time to start writing. Though I did not ask for more confirmation, suddenly, He placed a random but very specific image in my mind. It came absolutely out of nowhere and was very specific. The image was of a tall, slender lady in a red flowing dress. She appeared to be standing with her left side facing me and her right hand was in the air. Can you picture her? Her gaze was looking skyward, and it looked as if she might be waving? She was a beautiful woman with long, curled dark hair, and the red dress trailed behind her. That was it. It was about as random as they come, but it was extremely clear. I knew that when this image presented itself, I would recognize it immediately, and it would then be time to begin writing the book.

A few more months went by, and I had simply put the assigned task on hold while I waited for His signal. One day, I was on a long car ride having my worship time when suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt the Lord begin to share more of His thoughts about the book. It was not yet time to begin writing, but He used that opportunity to download in me some very specific things about what He wanted the book to look like. The information came to my mind so fast that I was sure there was no way I would remember it all. It was overwhelming, but my mind was doing its best to keep up with all that He was telling me. He first told me the title to the book along with its tagline, and it was given to me exactly as you see it on the front cover of this book. He described in detail what the graphics should look like on the front cover as well. What you see illustrated on the front cover has been drawn exactly according to His description that day. He then went on to tell me that the actual pages of the book should change texture and color according to the content of the material that was written on them. For example, when describing times of blessings and joy, the pages would be bright white and shiny, and when describing more treacherous components of my journey, the pages would become like parchment paper and fade in color. I have to say, I was impressed. I am not trying to be disrespectful of the Lord's instructions. I literally could not have come up with that kind of fascinating detail on my own if someone had a gun to my head. I am not the creative type. The most creativity I have is in relation to planning a good party or decorating my home. That is the extent of my creativity (if you can even call it that). I was truly impressed with the detail and vision of what the Lord laid out for me that day, and every single detail was preserved in my mind from that moment until now. That alone is a remarkable thing! Most days I cannot even recall what I had for breakfast. After returning home that day, my husband and I were taking a walk around the neighborhood, and I was itching and excited to share with him about my conversation with the Lord earlier in the day. When I told him of all the details, his response was much like my own. He said, Honey, that is really mind blowing, and there is no doubt it was the Lord. I agree with you. There is absolutely no way that you would have come up with that on your own. We laughed at that together, and I agreed. We both knew it was nothing I could have conjured up myself, and it reignited my passion for carrying out my assigned task as I awaited His signal to begin.

On March 26th of 2020, I went in for major surgery. I was scheduled for a complete hysterectomy. Because of the COVID restrictions, only procedures that were considered absolutely necessary were allowed to remain on the hospital schedule, and my case was one of them. I had the surgery; everything went according to plan; and I woke up on my fiftieth birthday, March 27th, feeling good and ready to go home and recover.

The recovery consisted of six weeks in bed off my feet except for mild and necessary movements around the home. I adhered to my doctor's instructions and was excited to be approaching the end of my six-week recovery.

A couple of days before I would be cleared to get up and about for good, I was making my way to the recliner in the living room to watch some television with my daughter. As I sat in the recliner, something felt terribly wrong, and I stood up quickly to run to the bathroom. I had begun to bleed uncontrollably. The bleeding was heavy and severe. We called the doctor, and he informed me that postsurgical bleeding was not uncommon and that if I did not want to come to the hospital right away, I could try lying down horizontally to see if lessening the effect of gravity would stop the bleeding. After hanging up the phone, I looked at my husband and, with no doubt in my mind, expressed my gut feeling that something was very wrong and suggested we should head straight to the hospital. He trusted my instincts because I am not a natural worrier and he saw definite concern in my eyes.

I could not stand up without blood pouring onto the floor, so my sweet daughter literally wrapped me in thick towels much like you would diaper a baby, helped me lie horizontally in the backseat to hopefully lessen the intense flow of blood, and we sped to the hospital. I was not in any pain but obviously very concerned at how severe the bleeding was. As we arrived, they put me in a wheelchair and took me back immediately after seeing the amount of blood that had soaked through the towels I was wrapped in.

Literally, within ten minutes of my arrival, they had IVs in both of my arms, and a team of about seven nurses and doctors were feverishly examining me. There was a definite sense of controlled panic in the room as they offered to go get my family from the waiting room. The precious nurse asked me who was there with me, and I told her my husband and daughter had brought me in. The rules of COVID only allowed one person in with me, but when she walked back in the room with both of them, she winked at me and said it was our little secret. I was so appreciative of such a sweet gesture considering the unusual circumstances.

As numerous medical professionals worked on me with haste, my husband, Mike, and my daughter, Molly, stood at my bedside for moral support while they prepared me for emergency surgery. Mike and Molly made the suggestion that we call my dad because anything medically related was of special sensitivity based on a situation he endured with my mom many years prior. We knew he would be upset if we did not let him know about the situation. We called him, and much to my surprise, he stayed very calm and managed not to cry with worry. I had him on Facetime, and he asked everyone to join him in praying over me. We all held hands, and he led us in a heartfelt prayer for my safety and good health. He was specific in asking the Lord to guide the hands of the surgeon. It was such a sweet time of prayer, and I had complete peace. I trusted that the Lord would take care of me, and I was not worried at all. They moved me from one gurney to another, and when they did, I saw my daughter cover her mouth startled by what she saw. She later told me she had never seen as much blood as she saw on the gurney where I had been lying. It took her by surprise, and she and Mike continued to pray for my healing and safety. Still at this point I was in no pain even though I continued to bleed uncontrollably.

They started wheeling me down the halls to the operating room, and as they did, my back began to ache. I asked the nurse if that was anything worth mentioning, and she said that extreme blood loss could cause backaches, so it was completely normal considering how much I was bleeding. I did not think about it anymore, and the next thing I remember is all a fast-paced blur but yet quite memorable.

I was on the gurney being prepped for transition to the operating room. There were nurses on every side of me and a doctor working on his computer at a tall tabletop at the foot of my bed. He appeared very serious minded and focused.

Suddenly, a severe wave of nausea came over me, and I told the nurse I might vomit. She assured me they were putting medicine in to control the nausea, and though I was beginning to lose consciousness, I remember a sweet girl being very nervous and trying to hurry at the same time to get the antinausea medicine into my IV. When I turned on my side, fearing I might get sick, the nurse very close to my face shouted at the doctor that my blood pressure had suddenly dropped to 80/50. She looked a little panicked, but like she was trying to hide her emotion. I asked her if my current drop in blood pressure was cause for concern. I remember her answering me saying that if they did not get my blood pressure up, it would be, but that I could rest assured they would take care of me. The next thing I heard was the doctor shouting, No more time…we must get her blood pressure up. Let's go people. We have to go now! Let's go! That was the last thing I heard before I lost consciousness and woke up in the wee hours of the next morning.

I had obviously made it through the surgery, but I woke up all alone in my hospital room and was feeling some emotional shakiness after what I had just experienced. I was not aware of the details of what transpired yet, but it was clear that whatever had happened was very serious and maybe even life threatening. The emotional exhaustion from it all made it hard to sleep, and I kept waking every hour or so. My phone was with me, so I decided to go to the source of all peace and began to play my worship song playlist. I sang the songs softly, and it helped me finally drift off into a sweet and peaceful sleep.

I woke up the next morning to the face of that older, gentlemanly surgeon from the day before. He came into my room with his hands in the front pockets of his doctor's coat. He was short in stature with a precious and endearing demeanor. He paused, took a deep breath, looked straight at me, and said, Well, that was somethin'. I replied, Well, it felt like somethin'. We giggled, and then I asked him if he could explain to me what exactly had happened. It was then that he told me my internal surgical cuff from the original hysterectomy had completely ripped open. That was the source of the bleeding, and it was so severe that by the time I had gotten into surgery, I had lost over half of my body's total blood volume. He said I almost stroked out on the operating table, but after three blood transfusions, they were able to get me stabilized.

He assured me that the issue had been repaired and I was sewn up very securely without need for worry that it could happen again. He noted that had I waited just thirty minutes longer to get to the hospital, I would most certainly have died.

Approximately two weeks after that return visit that required emergency surgery, I was at home resting in bed. I had begun to grow weary of bed rest and was going a little stir crazy. The days were running together, and I was bored beyond words. I had been gaining weight steadily, being so sedentary during recovery and lying in bed for what seemed like endless days. My emotions were all out of whack adjusting to the new hormone levels, and I had watched anything and everything worth watching that Netflix had to offer. I had gotten interested in online puzzles to help occupy my time. I enjoyed them. I often chose beautiful beach scenes or colorful landscapes and putting those puzzles together became very therapeutic.

I had worked dozens of puzzles over the previous weeks and was looking for a new puzzle option one night in May of 2020. On this night in particular, I picked up my iPad and looked through the newly added puzzle options, and there she was—the lady in the red flowing dress.

It was the exact image the Lord had placed in my mind about eighteen months prior.

It startled me.

I had to do a double take.

Then I started to tremble and shake a little in disbelief.

Then I put my iPad down and went to take a shower where I talked to the Lord, and with tears streaming down my face, I cried out to Him,

"I'm not ready.

I can't relive that.

I don't want to think about it all. It's too painful.

I couldn't even imagine where I would start."

Then He said, Just write down what you have learned. Start there.

The words He spoke were as clear as day.

Again, they were not audible words but most certainly it was the voice I knew so well. It was my Heavenly Father's voice without a doubt. I love it when He speaks so clearly. It immediately soothes the spirit, and peace overflows.

I took a deep breath, put on my pajamas, and sat down to finish the puzzle of the lady in the red dress. I felt the need to finish it to see where it left me. I usually rushed through the puzzles to see how fast I could figure them out because each one was timed. As I was putting each piece into place, I felt the Lord impress upon me to slow down. I was to take my time putting each piece into place to create the beautiful, finished product. I heard Him whisper, That is the same way we will complete the book. We will put it together one piece at a time. That was how I was to look at what He would do next. He would guide me in creating one piece of the project at a time and direct me as I connected the pieces together to form the final finished product.

Deep breath in.

I felt immediate peace.

I did not feel rushed or hurried.

I would not be the creator of any of it.

I