Building a Strong Marriage

By Abraham Mpundu Chilufya

Marriage is the first institution that God ever created; it is his concept and perfect will for man. To others, marriage is a source of great joy and empowerment, but to others, marriage is a necessarily evil and source of unbearable pain. Many marriages across the globe are ending in divorce with the top reasons for divorce being infidelity and money issues. Building A Strong Marriage is written for couples enjoying marriage, those dealing with different marital challenges, intending couples,  and marriage counselors. In this book, the author has packaged his knowledge, wisdom, and experiences, from several decades in a successful marriage and as a pastor helping thousands of people to settle in marriage. In the pages of this book, the author will place into your hands, the Portrait, Foundation, Building Blocks, Ingredients, Wisdom, and Hinges to help you build a strong marriage. To help you deal wih the headwinds that marriage faces, the author also shares practical wisdom on how to navigate through painful moments, overcome enemies of marriage, and how to make your marriage work under all circumstances. King Solomon wrote, "A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense." Building A Strong Marriage is loaded with remarkable wisdom, practical insights, good sense, and nuggets you will treasure all your life. The wisdom you draw from here will help you to build a strong marriage. Add this book to your long-term investments
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abraham Mpundu Chilufya
• Release date: May 18, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224952052

Book preview

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to men and women who are seeking answers to the challenges they are going through in their marriages. This book comes to build you up and give you insights to strengthen you and lift you up as you build a strong marriage. You will emerge victorious in Jesus Name.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

For Racheal

Who has always been there and has held my hand through the longest nights of my life.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Thank you!

Proverbs 31:10-12

Acts 20:32

And now, brethren, I commend you to God, and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up, and to give you an inheritance among all them which are sanctified.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

DEDICATION

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

CHAPTER 1

THE PORTRAIT OF A STRONG MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 2

FOUNDATIONS FOR A STRONG MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 3

BUILDING BLOCKS FOR A STRONG MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 4

INGREDIENTS FOR A STRONG MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 5

THE WHENS OF A STRONG MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 6

THE HINGES OF A GOOD MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 7

WALKING THROUGH PAINFUL MOMENTS IN MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 9

MY WISDOM NUGGETS FOR EVERY MARRIED PERSON.

CHAPTER 10

THE ENEMIES OF A STRONG MARRIAGE

CHAPTER 11

GO AND MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK

CHAPTER 12

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.

- Genesis 2:18

Marriage is God’s idea and not man’s idea. It originated from the heart of God, and he had good intentions in it for man. Unfortunately, because of lack of understanding of what it takes to build a strong marriage, this wonderful institution has turned out to be a nightmare and necessary evil for many people. We can only be happy in it when we fully understand God’s intentions for instituting it.

For instance, in the United States of America, 50% of marriages are said to end in divorce with the top two reasons for divorce being money issues (37%), and infidelity (28%).[1] At a global or regional scale, researchers observe an overall rise in divorce rates since the 1970s. The UN reports in its overview of global marital patterns, that at the global level, the proportion of persons aged 35-39 who are divorced or separated has doubled, rising from 2 percent in the 1970s to 4 percent in the 2000s.[2] In our nation, Zambia, statistics also show that divorce cases are increasing, with over 20,000 marriages dissolved by the courts in 2019 alone. The reasons for the increasing divorce rates in Zambia include lack of proper marriage counselling, interference from friends and relatives, poor communication among couples, infidelity, betrayals, money issues, mistrust, and poverty.

These are worrying statistics because divorce has several negative impacts both on the individuals and society. According to research, divorced adults are more likely to fall into stress and poverty, and the stress that separated parents put on their kids mental and financial health can have a negative impact on their ability to form social bonds. Divorce can be emotionally, physically, and financially taxing for all parties involved. Psychologically, divorce leaves many people depressed, angry, anxious, and stigmatized.

In my many years of pastoring, I have seen the joy that marriage brings to the many couples I have wedded, and I have also seen the heartaches of people in troubled marriages that I have been privileged to counsel. Over the many years in my own marriage, I have equally had several interesting experiences that are worthy sharing especially with the upcoming generation. While it is possible to restore a troubled marriage, I agree with the view that, prevention is better than cure. I hold the view that if we can put marriages on solid ground, people will enjoy many years of happy marriage and this institution will regain its attractiveness.

I understand that there are already many books on marriage in the bookstores, but this is not just another book on marriage. The Lord has laid a special burden on my heart to share practical and tested knowledge on how to build strong marriages. It is one thing to share what one has read, or researched, but it is a whole new experience to share what one has tested and experienced. I have experienced the joy of a hitch free marriage and like one wise man said, it would be a shame for me to go to the grave with the knowledge I have acquired through experience and observation on how to build strong marriages.

Whether you are an intending, or experienced couple, this book will speak to you in a personal way. As an intending couple, let this book place into your hands keys that you can use to unlock the joy of marriage, and if you are an experienced couple, let this book reinforce your own experiences and be a resource to you as you help others experience the joy you have seen in marriage. I trust that the knowledge I have distilled in the pages ahead will breathe life into many marriages and help the readers to experience the joy and blessing of a strong marriage. Lift up your voice wherever you are and ask God to give you the spirit of understanding as you go through this book and let it impact your marital destiny, in Jesus Name. Please turn to the next page as I place the portrait of a strong marriage in front of you.   

CHAPTER 1

THE PORTRAIT OF A STRONG MARRIAGE

I never had a crisis that didn’t make me stronger

– Lou Holtz

Many of us have been taught to memorize and quote scriptures from the Bible. This is a good practice but over the years I have learnt the power of holding pictures of scripture into your mind. It is the picture you carry in your mind that features in your life. Said in another way, it is what you see in front of you that you seize with your hands.

Consider the case of Abraham in the Bible. When he desperately desired a child, God said to him, Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have![3] God placed a wonderful portrait in front of Abraham to inspire him and to stir his faith in the possibility of the impossible. You will also notice that when God instructed Noah and Moses to build the ark and tabernacle respectively, he first painted pictures of those structures in their minds; they had to hold on to some portraits.

I have also observed that every professional contractor needs a portrait to guide him in building the masterpiece for which he is contracted for. Interestingly, even city authorities require you to give them drawings of what you desire to build before they can approve the intended project. Also, hear this! Before God set out to make man, he had a picture in his mind. Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, God said. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Marriage is likened to some form of building; you construct it one brick at a time. Every party to the marriage is obligated to contribute materials with which to build the marriage. However, before the building starts, you need to have a picture before you that shows the kind of marriage you want to build. I have noted that many people experience challenges in marriages because of the pictures they hold in their mind. Many people come to the marriage journey with pictures of their parents’, uncles, neighbours, pastors’, or friends’ marriages. While this may be helpful, you need to have the picture from the one who conceived marriage for you to experience the real joy of marriage. God is both the architect and the builder of strong marriages. Therefore, you need to investigate his mind and see what he desired to build for you when he conceived marriage.

GOD’S CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE

Dr Myles Munroe said that if you want to understand a thing, you must get as close as possible to the source. Marriage has lost significance and meaning because people have drifted very far from the source. These days, we have arguments of gay marriages because people have either lost the God’s concept of marriage or have never bothered to investigate it.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines marriage as the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. The Oxford Dictionary defines marriage as the legal relationship between two people who are married to each other.  You will notice that these definitions emphasize two main things: consent of two people and legality. While they contain some truth, they deliberately omit a key part of what God had in mind when he conceived marriage. It is such definitions that seem to support marriages between two men and two women. According to God’s concept, marriage is between a man and a woman.

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:21-25

So, from the above scripture, the first picture we should paint into our mind is that God intended marriage to be a successful combination of a man and woman into one.  During our lessons on set theory in school, our teachers taught us about individual sets, intersection, and the union set. This means that the ultimate goal of marriage is for the man (Set A) and the woman (Set B) to bond together in such a way that their intersection set turns into the union set. Jesus said, And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh - no longer two bodies but one. If you hold this picture in your mind, it will be easier for you to fight for the unity of your marriage.

The second concept of marriage is that it is an unbreakable bond between a man and a woman. God designed marriage a forever union and that the man and woman should be seen as one flesh. While this is not passport to stay in an abusive marriage, understanding this concept helps partners to always find places of agreement rather than disagreement. Couples who understand this magnify their commonalities rather than their differences; they work towards the enduring success of their marriage. Marriage is not a casual relationship, but a covenant between man and his wife with God as the witness. This understanding is the stronghold and powerbase of strong marriage. It doesn’t only bond the partners to the marriage but it also brings God into the home and as an active party to a lasting union.

The third concept, primarily the first in God’s mind, is that, Marriage is good. When God said, It is not good that the man should be alone, he essentially cast a vote for the goodness of marriage. Your marriage may not look like it because when you hold the picture in your mind that marriage is good, you will work to bring the good out of it. It is an established truth that things and situations will take the shape of the dominant picture we hold in our mind. It is to you according to what you see in your mind. Therefore, hold this in your mind, Marriage is Good!

THE POTRAIT OF A STRONG MARRIAGE

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul the Apostle attempted to paint what I call the portrait of a strong marriage. He likened the marriage between a man and his wife to