All Childish Things: A Heist Comedy
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About this ebook
"Like 'The Italian Job' of geek culture." - Chicago Tribune
Step into the galaxy of laughter and nostalgia with Joseph Zettelmaier's uproarious play, All Childish Things. Meet Dave Bullanski, a die-hard Star Wars enthusiast, on a quest to pull off the heist of a lifetime. Picture this: an old Kenner warehouse filled with priceless Star Wars memorabilia, ripe for the taking. Dave's grand plan? Swipe every rare gem and auction it to a private collector with pockets as deep as $2 million.
Joining forces with his motley crew of misfits, Dave dives headfirst into the world of clandestine collectibles. The stage is set for an epic adventure filled with quirky characters, unexpected twists, and, of course, plenty of laughter. However, as the meticulously crafted plan unravels into chaos, alliances are tested, friendships strained, and the heist takes an uproarious turn that will leave you in stitches.
All Childish Things is not just a play; it's a rollercoaster of hilarity that explores the lengths fandom will go for the love of Star Wars. Get ready for a sidesplitting journey through the galaxy far, far away, where the only thing more unpredictable than the heist is the laughter it inspires. Don't miss out on this comedic masterpiece that proves sometimes the force is with you, even when things go hilariously off course!
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All Childish Things - Joseph Zettelmaier
All Childish Things
A play by
Joseph Zettelmaier
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, events, and organizations portrayed in this work are either products of the authors’ imagination or used fictitiously.
All Childish Things
Copyright © 2006 by Joseph Zettelmaier
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means including photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval without permission in writing from the author.
ISBN-13: 978-1944540326
ISBN-10: 1944540326
For information about production rights, visit:
www.jzettelmaier.com
Cover by David Blixt
Published by Sordelet Ink
www.sordeletink.com
Get another Sordelet Ink play free by clicking here!
ALL CHILDISH THINGS premiered at the Planet Ant Theatre, in Hamtramck, Michigan on June 23, 2006. It was directed by Eric Maher, and produced by Jaime Moyer. Set design by Eric Maher. Lighting design by Curtis Green. Costume design by Joe Colosi. Stage managed by Curtis Green. Assistant directed by Shannon Ferrante. The cast was as follows:
DAVE BULLANSKI: Peter C. Prouty
MAX FARLEY: Joe Colosi
CARTER SLOAN: Chris Roady
KENDRA JOHNSON: Kelly Rossi
THE BIG MAN: Joel Mitchell
ALL CHILDISH THINGS received its Equity premiere at the BoarsHead Theatre in Lansing, Michigan on October 24, 2008. It was directed by Joey Albright. Set and lighting design by Daniel C. Walker. Costume design by Holly Iler. Sound design by Sergei Kvitko. Props design by Patricia York. Stage managed by Katie Doyle. The cast was as follows:
DAVE BULLANSKI: Jason Richards
MAX FARLEY: Aral B. Gribble III
CARTER SLOAN: Brian D. Thibault
KENDRA JOHNSON: Molly Thomas
THE BIG MAN: Keith Allan Kalinowski
ALL CHILDISH THINGS was a nominee for the 2006 American Theatre Critics Association/Steinberg New Play Award.
Cast of Characters
DAVE BULLANSKI, computer programmer, 30s
MAX FARLEY, mover, 30s
CARTER SLOAN, stock boy with Kenner Toys, 30s
KENDRA JOHNSON, movie theatre employee, 20s
The BIG MAN, 40s
Time
2006
Place
Cincinnati, near the warehouses for Kenner Toys
ACT I
(Lights up. DAVE’s basement. It is set up with Star Wars regalia over every inch of the place. In a corner with its back facing the audience sits a huge cabinet. As lights rise, DAVE enters. He carries a bag of groceries. He goes around the room, checking everything. He’s clearly stressed out, trying to calm down as he works. He grabs a Star Wars stress ball while looking through CDs. He picks one and listens to it while he lights up a cigarette. His cellphone rings)
DAVE
What? Whatwhatwhat? (listens)
No, mom. It’s fine. The doors are locked. (listens)
Yep, he got his food. Hold on. (listens)
(He turns down the music)
Sorry, I couldn’t… (listens)
Spencer’s fine. (listens)
I don’t know. Probably under the couch, being fat. (listens)
He’s not our cat. He’s your… (listens)
Mom.
Mom.
MOM!
I can love you and not love him. You’re not a package deal. (listens)
Just…look, just enjoy Vegas, ok? Everything is secure. (listens)
I won’t let the place burn down. I live here too.
Ok.
Ok.
Goodbye.
Mom.
Goodbye.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Goodbye.
Mom.
MOM!
GOODBYE!
(He hangs up the phone. He grabs his stress ball and begins to squeeze it frantically. As he paces, he smells something odd. He walks the room, trying to determine the origin. He sees some files he’s left on the coffee table. He picks one up, smells it, recoils)
DAVE
Dammit, Spencer! Where are you? (He looks under a few things) You can’t hide forever, you furry bastard. (He stands up, trying to calm himself) Alright, dude. Keep it together. You’re flipping out. Now is not the time to be flipping out. Just calm down.
(He goes over to the cabinet, and is about to open it. Suddenly, a knock on the basement window. DAVE jumps)
DAVE
Jeez!
(He turns to see MAX at the window, waving)
DAVE
(Yelling to MAX) Come around the front. I’ll let you in. (DAVE exits. Offstage, we hear MAX & DAVE talk as they return)
MAX
Hey, dude.
DAVE
Hey. What’d you get?
MAX
Meat lovers.
DAVE
You do realize that Kendra’s a vegetarian, right?
MAX
I do. I do realize that.
(DAVE laughs. They appear at the stairway, and enter the basement)
MAX
So they’re not here?
DAVE
Not yet.
MAX
Wait. Really?
DAVE
Yeah.
MAX
But...but I thought we were supposed to meet at 10:00. It’s like fifteen til. What if...
DAVE
They’ll be here, dude.
MAX
But...but...
DAVE
They’ll. Be. Here.
(MAX sets down the pizza and takes a slice. DAVE gets a Mountain Dew out of the mini-fridge)
MAX
Somethin’ smells like cat pee.
DAVE
Spencer peed on the files.
MAX
Oh. (Beat) We have files?
DAVE
Yep.
MAX
Why?
DAVE
Because if we’re going to get this done right, it’s going to require split-second timing and comprehensive information. I’ve mapped out everything we’ll need and put it into packets.
(Beat. MAX stares at the packets, concerned)
DAVE
What?
MAX
Bad feeling.
DAVE
Max, don’t…
MAX
Your cat…
DAVE
Mom’s cat.
MAX
…pees on the files. Not a good sign.
DAVE
He’s an asshole. He pees on everything.
MAX
You gotta figure though…there’s a lot of places to pee in here. If he jumped up on that table, and peed on those files…it’s because he chose to.
DAVE
Don’t make this into…
MAX
Bad feeling, man. Bad. Feeling.
(They stare at the files. Beat. DAVE grabs his Mountain Dew)
DAVE
Oh yeah. There we go.
MAX
Don’t…don’t you think maybe you’ve had enough?
(DAVE glares at him)
MAX
Know what? I just…you’re good.
(MAX paces, trying to work off nervous energy. MAX grabs a Mountain Dew. DAVE