Paranormal Jelly: An Anthology of Whimsical Narratives Regarding the Comical Facets of the Occult

By Zwahk muchoney

In "Paranormal Jelly," dive into a world where the bizarre meets the everyday, set against the backdrop of the burgeoning internet era of 1996. Middle-aged author Albert runs a popular website, sharing tales of eldritch horrors, battling bodybuilders, baby Bigfoots, cigarette-smoking ghosts, Batsquatches, Krakens, Shadow men, and dark cultists. While Albert's stories captivate his growing audience, he remains a skeptic, convinced that these strange entities and occurrences are pure fiction.

Yet the line between Albert's fictional accounts and reality begins to blur. Cryptids and hauntings become alarmingly frequent, always just out of Albert's sight but too close to dismiss. As he strives to document these phenomena, Albert finds himself entangled in a web of the supernatural that threatens not just his beliefs but his very existence.

"Paranormal Jelly" is a darkly humorous journey into the unknown, perfect for readers who relish the intersection of the strange and the familiar. Albert's quest for the truth will keep you on the edge of your seat, because sometimes, reality is stranger than fiction.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Zwahk muchoney
• Release date: Jun 16, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224838196

Book preview

Paranormal Jelly

An Anthology of Whimsical Narratives Regarding the Comical Facets of the Occult

Zwahk Muchoney

Copyright © 2024 Zwahk Muchoney

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. The individuals and scenarios described in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Cover artist: Eleonora Garofolo

Instagram page: garofoloillustrations

Author website: https://Paranormaljelly.home.blog

Other Books

by Zwahk Muchoney

Alexander Tabasco’s Fancy or How the English Lecher Received his Just Desserts

The Saintly Imp

Heaven’s Kin

Odd Devils

Contents

Meat Brain

The Bigfoot Caper

The Thousand Steps Ghostcapade

The Animal Fortune Teller

A Strawberry in the Woods

Batsquatch Attack!

The Tacoma Kraken

The Eldritch GingerSnaps Gang

The Doubletree Haunting

Meat Brain

Janus was annoyed to realize there was only one cup worth of coffee left in the serving pots. She was waiting tables during the graveyard shift by herself, and her coworker had neglected to put on a new pot before going home for the night. She sighed and started pouring coffee grounds into the machine when she heard the entrance bell ring. A late-night customer had arrived.

Just a minute, hon, she said sweetly as she set aside a small stack of white paper filters. A tan, muscular, dark haired man in a cut-off button up shirt and tattered magenta Zubaz pants stepped through the door. He had somebody flung over his shoulder, and was covered from head to foot in purple stains. The limply hanging figure appeared to be a pale, thin bespectacled man in his thirties with mousy brown hair. An odor of rotten fish wafted off the both of them.

What’s wrong with your friend? she asked, wondering if she was going to have to call emergency services.

Oh, him? The large man replied, looking puzzled. He’s fine, his goofy nerd friends were doing weird science stuff, he fell asleep. He peered down, noticed his messy appearance, and asked- Is there a bathroom where I can wash this gunk off?

The restroom is in the back, down the hall to the right, She replied.

Okay, I’m going to leave my roommate here. He said as he tucked the limp man’s body into a booth. He whistled and headed off towards the men’s room.

Janus went over to take a look at the thin man. His eyes were open, but they seemed to see nothing. A thin line of drool was forming at the corner of his mouth. Must be drunk she thought to herself. She put two empty glasses on the table, poured the men some water, and headed over to check on her other customer.

Albert was a regular who always came in during the early morning hours to order Oreo pie and several cups of coffee. He was a middle-aged, portly man with a preference for brown off-the-rack suits. Albert was usually busy writing something or other in his notebooks, about what Janus had no idea, but he seemed harmless enough, and never caused any trouble, so she gave his work no mind.

Can I get you more coffee, hon? She asked.

What? Oh yes, please, I’m almost done with this cup. She poured him the last bit from the pot, leaned down, and whispered-

There’s something odd about those guys.

Albert took a sip of coffee, grimaced a little at its bitterness, and responded-

Oh, I’m sorry, I was going over some notes, I didn’t notice them. Janus wondered if Albert missed the stink because he was a heavy smoker. She continued-

Maybe I’m being paranoid, but it’s only you and me in this restaurant, could you keep an eye on them, just in case?

There was a sudden sound of footsteps coming towards them. Janus snapped back to attention and grabbed a couple of menus. The muscular man seated himself opposite his companion. His skin and most of his clothes were still stained a deep purple color.

Can I get you anything to drink tonight, coffee or soda? She asked.

He ordered a diet cola and went to look at the menu. His companion gurgled and curled up into a fetal position.

Is he going to have anything to drink? She asked as the thin man started muttering to himself. The gym enthusiast glanced at him and loudly said-

Hey Mikey, you want something to drink? His companion waved a limp hand aimlessly and continued hugging his knees. The large man went back to his menu and said-

Water’s fine, could I get a six egg vegetable omelet? I had to miss my last meal, a damn monster ate all my protein bars, I can’t keep muscle synthesis going when I don’t get my protein on time. Janus had no idea what to say. He looked over at Mikey, and said-

Just get him toast, all he ever eats is carbs. Janus nodded, took their menus, and left. Albert watched her head for the kitchen and looked back at the strange men. He gathered up his notebook and walked to the booth. The muscular man looked at him quizzically, and said-

Yeah? The large man asked. Albert composed himself and said-

Excuse me, you were attacked by a monster? The muscular man, looking quite annoyed, said-

Yeah, it ate my protein bars, I had to kick it’s ass.

Ah, right Albert responded. My name is Albert, I run a website called Paranormal Jelly, I was curious if I could share your story with my readers? The muscle-bound man, visibly confused, replied-

Website?! What’s a website?! Albert smiled amicably and answered-

Websites are found on the internet, they’re like a personal newspaper or book that multiple people can post on in a digital format. The man looked at Albert blankly, and replied-

What’s an internet?

Albert was surprised by this response, the internet had been discussed widely in print and on television for the last couple of years. Albert guessed this man’s ignorance probably resulted from watching nothing but action movies and fitness tapes. Still, he’d encountered far worse in his efforts to gather interesting content, and was unperturbed by the bodybuilder’s response. Albert continued-

It doesn’t matter, I’m just interested in writing down and sharing the story of your encounter with this...monster, if that’s all right. Janus came back with the diet cola, set it on the table, gave Albert a quick glance, and headed back to start the coffee machine. The large man took a long sip of the diet cola, and said-

Why not? Got nothing better to do until dinner. Albert grinned and dragged the chair from his table over to the booth. He grabbed his coffee cup, set his notebook on the table, brought out a couple of blue ballpoint pens from his pocket, and said-

If it’s alright, I would prefer to use your real name, although I understand if you would prefer a pseudonym. The muscular man looked at him blankly. Albert elaborated-

A pretend name to hide your identity? The musclebound man replied-

Oh...nah, I’m good, my name’s Alonso. Albert gestured towards Mikey and asked-

Should I give him a pseudonym? I’m assuming he’s part of your story, but he seems out of it. Mikey responded with more drooling. I guess, replied Alonso.

So, let’s get into what happened tonight, said Albert as he uncapped his pen. Alonso began recounting his story-

The whole thing started this morning. I was going to go to the gym, but Mikey said he’d pay me $100 and buy dinner if I helped him move a bunch of heavy equipment. I figured hey, easy money. He told me to carry a bunch of machines and weird bat-octopus statues into the back of a trailer, and then we drove out to a grimy little house in the middle of nowhere-

Wait, bat-octopus statues? Albert asked, Alonso nodded and continued-

Yeah, they were about three feet tall and made of stone, kind of moldy-smelling.

Albert scribbled furiously. He wished he had his tape recorder, his wrist would surely hurt from writing in the morning, but hopefully this story would be worth it. Albert drank the rest of his coffee and asked-

When you say the middle of nowhere, do you know the specific location? Alonso took a piece of paper from his pocket, it was stained dark purple and appeared moist to the touch. He looked it over for a second, turned to Albert, and said-

Mikey gave me the address of that dump. He took another look at the disgusting scrap of paper- It’s a place called Davenport, there’s nothing out there, it’s just patches of woods a half-hour drive from Spokane. Albert wrote this down and said-

Thanks, my readers are going to want as many details as possible. Alonso shrugged his shoulders, Albert continued-

So anyway, this house, describe it. Alonso was about to answer, when Janus came over with a large, steaming vegetable omelet and plate of toast. She set down the dishes, looked at Albert, and said-

Seems like you’re all getting along, need more coffee, Albert? He nodded and she headed off to grab a pot from the burner. Alonso started wolfing down mouthfuls of his dinner. Albert excused himself to go smoke a cigarette, the writer had just gone out the front door when Mikey let out a low groan. Alonso glanced at him, and said-

I told you not to hang out with those weirdos, but you didn’t listen to me. I said that professor guy was a creep but no, you’re just so smart and I’m the dumb guy, right? Mikey sat up and stared out the window. Alonso took another huge bite and said Just eat your toast, Mikey. The thin man didn’t respond.

Albert lit a menthol cigarette and stood by the door of the diner, watching the smoke disappear into the night air. He was quite happy with the way things had turned out tonight. It didn’t matter if the story was true or not, so long as it might be interesting. He had written outrageous tales about alien abductions, telekinesis, spontaneous human combustion, and other things of the sort. He hoped that someday he might get a TV deal out of his work, or at least make a lot of money on the convention circuit.

When he’d finished his cigarette, he came back into the diner and sat down. Alonso was cleaning his face with a napkin and Mikey was chewing on a jelly packet. Albert uncapped his pen and said-

So you were going to describe the house to me? Alonso stretched, took a sip of soda, and said-

"The house was run down, it had these junker vehicles in front, and a couple of the windows were broken. I had to lug all the stuff up to the