Living with Trauma, Finding the Light Again

By M. Struemph

A powerful and deeply personal memoir, Struemph draws on her own stories of overcoming life's small obstacles to developing the tenacity and resiliency to conquer much larger ones.

With a keen eye, Struemph untangles how the subtle nuances of common behaviors and actions can set us up to become a predator's target. She knows fi

• Language: English
• Publisher: Manuscripts LLC
• Release date: Jun 10, 2024
• ISBN: 9798889260318

Book preview

Introduction

Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the Gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.

—Brené Brown,

Rising Strong

Living with Trauma, Finding the Light Again delves deeply into my personal journey through a labyrinth of escalating manipulation, violent acts, sexual harassment, and assaults—many of which unfolded over my thirty-two years of dedicated military service and shaped the very core of my being. I wove in other experiences from my past to showcase how minor traumas not only pave the way for more significant ones but also cultivate resilience and fortitude, which are crucial for survival. Through all the darkness, this is ultimately a story of hope and transformation. It’s possible to find the light again, even after the winds of trauma seem to have snuffed it out.

I initially intended to author this book anonymously or by using a pen name. But I realized, after reading it, that it would lose a significant amount of value if I didn’t have the courage to both tell and own my most intimate of experiences.

Please be aware some of these incidents are difficult to read and may trigger traumatic memories for other victims and survivors of sexual assault. I changed many names and locations to avoid endangering myself and others. My intent is to shine a spotlight on a culture that allows sexual assaults, these most egregious of acts, to happen with such frequency and ease. The number of sexual assaults that occur in our society, particularly within our military, is abhorrent and intolerable.

While sexual assaults also happen to male service members, I’m focusing on female service members because they relate more to my own personal journey. The statistics given to me recently by a local Veterans Affairs (VA) Military Sexual Trauma (MST) Coordinator are one in three military women report experiencing MST while one in fifty military men report it. It’s important to remember these numbers only reflect the incidents actually reported, and so many more never are (as you’ll see why later).

Throughout the book, I use the terms victim, survivor, and thriver to express the various stages a sexually assaulted person can go through. Many prefer not to receive any labels; they simply want to state the facts of what happened and move on. But so many get stuck in their pain, remain entrenched in victimhood, and never move past it to become a survivor. They certainly cannot thrive in the art of living.

As I learned to survive and thrive following my experiences, I found art and quotes to also be beneficial to my healing, some of which I included. At the beginning of each chapter is a quote I find to be applicable and at the end my own personal quote. The illustrations are my own, created in conjunction with my participation in a Transforming Trauma through Art VA Trauma Group (more about this in chapter 44). Some of our sessions involved writing assignments, in which I discovered my unique ability to convey others’ pain through my words. My fellow veterans inspired me and served as the catalyst to begin this project. A few even bravely stepped forward to share their stories within these pages, and I thank them.

When one of the older members in our group commented, Up until three years ago, I thought I was the only one, I realized this veteran had spent the last fifteen years of her retirement in isolation and torment over her trauma. It made me wonder: How many more out there think they’re alone?

This motivated me to write my story, no matter the level of difficulty or torment. I concluded the best way to reach another’s pain is through sharing my own. The best way to prove they can heal is through sharing my journey.

My goal is to give these women, and other victims, a voice… and hope for healing.

As a victim so eloquently told me, Your book will help us pull the dark festering skeletons from our closets into the light, where they can no longer have power over us. After all, We are only as sick as our secrets, a slogan commonly used in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Shame festers in the darkness of secrecy.

This book is relevant to all women, and those who love them, who suffer under the immense weight of sexual trauma. It is about helping those of us who live in the shadows of guilt and shame to step out into the light of truth.

Never forget—the offenders are guilty, not us.

Through sharing my experiences and observations, I hope to motivate others to take those first hard steps to bring peace and joy back into their lives. I also hope to encourage discussion, inspire change, and show we still have much work left to do.

When someone truly listens and steps into your pain, you are forever bonded. —M.

Preface.

The Problem

It shows the old ways aren’t working, and it’s getting worse, not better. Victims are often reluctant to come forward because they are afraid the case won’t be handled well, and they are afraid they will be retaliated against.

—Don Christensen

(retired Air Force Judge and Chief Prosecutor), Former President of Protect Our Defenders

I am, and will always be, an American soldier. Those who served in our military forces know we carry this identity as a part of ourselves until the day we die. We never forget, even the parts we wish we could. Like most, I served to protect my country and to support the soldiers I served with. I believed in my mission. I was willing to die at the hands of the enemy while defending my country and my fellow soldiers.

The military opened many doors and changed what I deemed possible for my life. It gave me invaluable leadership experience and access to opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I love our military forces, and I hope to be a voice, among many, who incites positive change.

However, I am not willing to give up on my life, my mental and emotional health, or my happiness and self-respect because of the atrocities committed by the predators who exist within our military ranks. I will not let them define who I am as a person. These predators are a dark stain on our country’s military forces, and they undermine the values, morals, and integrity the military is supposed to stand for and represent.

Looking back on one’s time in service should evoke a sense of immense pride for both men and women, but for many women, that memory is severely distorted and marred with sadness and shame. Many women suffer permanent damage—not from our country’s enemies but from the scars of sexual trauma incurred by their fellow brothers in arms. Many never recover. Their path in life is forever altered, all because they chose to pursue a proud career by joining the US Armed Forces out of a strong desire to serve our country.

The statistics are startling. Rates of sexual assault and harassment reports in the military continue to increase. An article in the New York Times stated: Sexual assault in the American military surged in the last two years, driven almost entirely by a 50 percent increase in assaults on women in uniform…The [Defense] department’s annual Report on Sexual Assault in the Military estimated that there were 20,500 instances of ‘unwanted sexual contact’ in the 2018 fiscal year, based on a survey of men and women across the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. That was an increase of 38 percent from the previous survey in 2016. The survey also found that while assaults on men in the military remained flat, assaults on women recorded their biggest increase in years. Women now make up only about 20 percent of the military but are the targets of 63 percent of assaults.¹ The Pentagon has poured hundreds of millions of dollars into prevention efforts, education programs, and resources for victims in recent years. The previous strategies were not effective, and only time will tell if the new ones prove differently.

An article published in the USNI News stated …The numbers across the military branches point to the problem getting worse. Sexual assault rates are up, the percentage of people reporting sexual assault is down, and trust in the military when it comes to protecting victims is at an all time low. Beth Foster, executive director for Force Resiliency, stated in this article, These numbers are tragic and extremely disappointing…On an individual level, it is devastating to conceptualize that these numbers mean that over thirty-five thousand service members’ lives and careers were irrevocably changed by these crimes. These events not only have an impact at an individual level, but they also degrade our readiness and ability for the department to conduct our mission.²

Consider the latest statistics listed on the Facts on United States Military Sexual Violence by Protect Our Defenders, The rate of wrongful sexual contact jumped by roughly 35 percent from FY18 to FY21. Most cases go un-reported, In FY22, only about one in four service members reported their sexual assault to a department authority. Retaliation seems to be the norm, …28 percent of women reported experiencing retaliation after a sexual assault…56 percent of retaliation reports alleged that retaliators were in their chain of command. And even worse, A third of women who reported a sexual assault were discharged within a year of reporting, typically within seven months. There is little trust and satisfaction in the system, 66 percent of women believe the military will not protect their privacy, 60 percent of women believe the military will not ensure their safety, and 61 percent of women believe the military will not treat them with dignity and respect if sexually assaulted. This proves to be true with low conviction and prosecution rates, In FY22, of the 5,941 unrestricted reports [which doesn’t include the number of restricted reports or the numbers unreported] of sexual assault, only 301 (5.0 percent) cases were tried by court martial, and just 123 (2.1 percent) offenders were convicted of a nonconsensual sex offense.³

The correlation between the lack of care and due process within the military for female victims and the fact that women also comprise the fastest growing segment of the homeless veteran population seems relational. According to Valor Healthcare, research shows veteran women comprise the fastest-growing segment of the population of veterans experiencing homelessness. According to the VA, there will be up to forty thousand women who identify as homeless in the United States by 2025.⁴

The suicide rate among female veterans is also rising, …increasing at twice the pace of male service members, according to research by the RAND Corporation. And when compared to civilian women, those in the service are two to five times more likely to take their own lives… Among the many reasons for the dramatic rise in suicide among women in the military, there’s one primary cause that stands out: sexual trauma, particularly incidences of harassment and rape…⁵ A PBS interview discussed the findings of the independent commission created by President Biden and Defense Secretary Austin with the commission chair Lynn Rosenthal, stated, Of course, among victims of sexual assault everywhere, there are higher rates of suicidal ideation and even attempts. But among the military sexual assault victims whom you spoke to, you found 100 percent had suicidal thoughts or attempts.⁶

To persevere in the military environment, the more I behaved and performed in traditionally masculine ways, the better accepted I was. I realized the importance of demonstrating strength, displaying confidence, and not exhibiting open displays of emotion…no matter what. I felt the need to continuously prove myself by working harder, staying excessively physically fit, acting strong, and displaying a military male intelligence acumen.

Over the years I earned and received many service awards, medals, trophies, certificates, and accolades for my roles as soldier, athlete, shining example, and as an inspiration. But the reality? No matter my many achievements, I never felt good enough.

The military is exceptional at making servicewomen feel not quite good enough. This keeps us from being brave enough to confront our challenges to overcome what has been and step into what could be.

Many honorable good men and women serve in our armed forces, but then there are those who are dishonorable. Predators know they can inconspicuously hide and thrive here. After all, the armed forces are known to value aggression and the ability to kill. What better fit for keen-minded predators? The environment is ripe with close quarters and known to look the other way.

Some even say the military culture itself transforms young men into sexual predators. The military is all about the mission first mentality; the mission matters more than the people. There is often a preference for male skillsets over those of females, leading to a higher regard for servicemen. Leadership often views men as being the warriors while not affording women the same recognition. Many perceive men as possessing a military mindset, strength, and speed while perceiving women as weaker, slower, and primarily suited for support roles.

Changing our culture takes time, but change we must. After all, it took America more than 130 years to declare men and women should have equal voting rights.

Our servicemen primarily shape the narrative of military service to our country. We often overlook the stories of our servicewomen in favor of celebrating the legacies of men. However, we must acknowledge and share acts of courage from both men and women. From words written and spoken from others, I believe I was a beacon of hope for many while serving in uniform. I want to continue being that beacon, even out of uniform… especially out of uniform because now I can speak without fear of retaliation. I am ripping the duct tape from my mouth.

My anguished mind reluctantly dives into the murky depths, unlocking vaulted doors to retrieve memories long secluded. Our stories demand to be told. —M.

The Uniform

Our uniforms make us stand out from the rest,

We’re supposed to represent our nation’s best.

Fighting our wars, both here and abroad,

While praying for protection from almighty God.

We protect the poor, the sick, the weak and weary,

Those victimized, frightened, marginalized, and leery.

We walk our hospital corridors, city streets,

And foreign lands, never missing a beat.

But not all who wear the uniform,

Who took the oath and were solemnly sworn

To be our protectors and defenders,

Live up to their creed—they’re only great pretenders.

Instead, they use the uniform to deceive,

To unnecessarily coerce and manipulate the naïve.

Some take a moral right to commit immoral atrocities,

Their evil acts growing at an ever-increasing velocity.

They make a uniform something to fear,

When it should be a thing, we all hold dear.

It doesn’t matter our race, religion, ethnicity, or gender.

Each one of us needs only to remember:

Our uniforms make us stand out from the rest.

We’re supposed to represent our nation’s best.

—M.

Chapter 01.

The Beginning of the End

"If you know the enemy

and know yourself,

you need not fear the result

of a hundred battles."

—Sun Tzu, Art of War

My stomach is queasy in nervous anticipation of my retirement ceremony, the pinnacle event of my career… the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the pièce de résistance. How does one adequately summarize thirty-two years of military service?

This is surely one of the most nerve-racking experiences of my career, I think as my stomach continues doing internal acrobatics. You see, part of my duties over the past eight years were organizing, overseeing, and orchestrating countless conferences, retirement and promotion ceremonies, training events, birthday balls, and other various military gatherings. I’m expected to be the authority; however, my preference is to be the person behind the curtain. I despise being center stage with everyone’s focus on me. Because, honestly, speaking on a stage to an entire audience of people is really my personal version of hell on Earth.

I wrote, rewrote, modified, and rehearsed my retirement speech at least a dozen times. I wanted it to be perfect. I don’t want to remember the evil that keeps vying for the surface as I reflect on my career.

I finally resolved my speech was as good as it was going to get—if such a thing existed. Never feeling good enough is a generally prevailing theme in my life. I usually second-guess myself up until the very moment I’m literally standing before everyone, blinded by the spotlight with hundreds of eyes upon me.

I made the risky decision to reserve the auditorium, which holds a large number of people. But what if only a handful of folks show up? The room will look empty and confirm my deepest fears—I never really belonged here, and I wasn’t good enough.

Most of my career others said, You’re too nice, or, You’re too soft on people. You don’t need to tell your soldiers why; you just need to tell them to do it. You work too hard, or, You take on too much. Just give it 50 percent, and it’ll be better than everyone else’s 100 percent. For the record, it’s impossible for me to ever just give 50 percent of effort to anything. If my name’s associated, it will be done as perfectly as possible. Because I’m a perfectionist people pleaser, dammit.

You see, I am who I am, and I tried desperately not to let the military change me. Even as I rose through the ranks, I tried hard not to become someone I no longer recognized. I watched many come up through the ranks and saw firsthand how power changed them. So many forgot their humanity, respect for others, and just common decency. Truer words were never said, Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.¹

Push it down, M. Don’t think of him, the one who had the power, no respect, and no decency.

Well, today is the day… let the chips fall where they may, I tell myself.

As I stand outside the auditorium with my sweaty shaking palms—watching it slowly fill with my many comrades, friends, and family members—the memories I don’t want to remember keep fighting for attention. I silently pray he doesn’t show up.

Hold it together M, don’t think about that right now.

My heart leaps with joy when I see standing room only left in the room. And he’s not here. This is validating for me. It proves I belonged, and I didn’t need to change my persona after all. I was right in staying true to me over the years, even though I doubted and questioned myself many times. And although I haven’t changed who I am at my core, many aspects of my personality are different now. Unfortunately, trauma has an insidious way of doing this.

Now it’s time to make the grand entrance into the room with our leadership. My legs are shaking, and a small bead of sweat trickles down my back. Oh, Lord, please don’t let me get up on stage a sweaty mess!

I take my seat as the emcee begins the ceremony, and I attempt some deep-breathing exercises to calm down. The formalities end much too soon, and now it’s time for my speech.

Here we go, M. This is it. Make sure you go slowly. Don’t talk too fast. Remember to look at your audience and make eye contact. Don’t think of him. You know he’s not here. Focus on this moment.

Walking up on stage, I head straight for the podium. Safe! I let out a sigh of relief. The podium is my imaginary fortress. I look out at the audience and make eye contact with my husband Ben and son Kyle, sitting in the front row. I’m so grateful they’re both here with me. Make them proud, M. Time to put on your professional mask that you wear so well.

Okay, let’s begin, take a deep breath.

I periodically glance down at my script (or the words fly right out of my head) and properly acknowledge the senior leadership present (thank God I don’t have to acknowledge him), my family members, those who traveled a long way, and my audience.

Will my father and Mr. S please come up on stage. Both look at me with quizzical expressions. They stand and walk up on stage, still confused, and I begin with a small ceremony within my ceremony.

It’s especially important to me to honor my father, my stepfather, and my mother-in-law’s friend for their service in Vietnam. My stepfather is not present, but both my father and mother-in-law’s friend are.

I speak about their service and missions during the Vietnam War. Our Adjutant General (a two-star Major General) presents them with Vietnam Veteran Lapel Pins to recognize, thank them for, and honor their service. He fastens the lapel pins and hands them each a Vietnam Service Coin.

I ask, Will all Vietnam Veterans present please stand. Several Vietnam Veterans in the audience stand, and the entire room erupts in applause for their service.

This is the welcome home they never received. My father and mother-in-law’s friend have tears in their eyes, as do most of the audience. A standing ovation quickly ensues as the clapping, cheers, and whistles go on for several minutes. My heart wants to explode as tears well up in my eyes. This strong acknowledgment and the impact are indescribable.

I want to end my ceremony right now. This is perfect.

But I have much more to say and others to acknowledge. After thirty-two years, I’ve acquired many memories and experiences. Some not so good. I’ve traveled to several places in the world, and I’ve seen both good and bad. And the worst was here.

Being an integral part of this organization for most of these years, I’ve seen many of you go through the various stages of life; marriages, divorces, sicknesses, having children, becoming grandparents, promotions, retirements, and sometimes even deaths. I’ve attended many ceremonies, weddings, baby showers, hospitals, and… unfortunately, several funerals as well. I’ve watched so many of you grow into exceptional leaders and human beings. He definitely wasn’t either of those.

I’ve experienced moments of great happiness and pride due to your successes as well as some moments of disappointment and great sadness. You have all affected me greatly. Especially him.

I joined the military at the age of eighteen, by the strong sense of urgency and encouragement of my father. He also re-enlisted alongside me although he didn’t stay in much longer after I joined. I think it was part of his sinister plot to say, ‘Look, I’m doing it, so you can too!’ He drove me to Gowen Field, held a gun to my head—no, not really… but it sure felt like it. The audience laughs. "And I could not leave until I swore in and signed the enlistment contracts. I think he was trying to tell me I needed some ‘discipline’ in my life. Right, Dad? But you did the right thing because it stuck, for an exceedingly long time.

Shortly after joining, I left home and ended up starting my AGR (Active Guard Reserve) career at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. At the age of twenty-three, I had my son at Womack Army Hospital. Not an enjoyable experience… which is why you’re an only child. I gesture toward my son. "Sorry.

"One could say the Guard raised me; I certainly grew up in the Guard. Like all family, we’ve had our share of disagreements and disjointedness. But, at the end of the day, many of you are my dearest friends and deepest confidants. So today is also about honoring and thanking each one of you… and the good Lord above. I have learned many valuable lessons; some are lessons of what to do while some are what not to do." What not to do. He taught me those lessons exceptionally well.

I make special acknowledgments and presentations to my in-laws and then direct my attention to my dad. "To my father, who always quoted this to me growing up: ‘Once a task has begun, be the labor great or small, do it well or not at all.’ For this reason, much to my husband’s dismay, I usually will not start a project unless I have the time to complete it and give it 100 percent. However, also for this reason I would classify myself as a ‘Second Miler,’ as described by John Maxwell in his Ethics 101 book. In it he says walking the first mile is doing just what is required. But ‘people who do the bare minimum never achieve much in life—for themselves or for others.’ The extra mile is ‘an opportunity to make a positive impact on the lives of others, to add value to people.’ A Second Miler is a person with an extra-mile attitude: Someone who ‘cares more than others think is wise, risks more than others think is safe, dreams more than others think is practical, expects more than others think is possible, works more than others think is necessary.’²

Throughout my career people said things like: ‘Why are you working so hard on that? Don’t you know the more successful you are, the more they give you to do? Why do you care so much? You’re crazy, you’re never going to accomplish X, Y, or Z. You expect too much of yourself. Just say no! It’s too risky, I wouldn’t do that.’

"If I had listened, I wouldn’t have been the first in our state to make the All-Guard Biathlon Team or the CIOR Pentathlon Team, I wouldn’t have traveled to half the locations I’ve been to in the world. I wouldn’t be standing here today as