Losing Wonder Woman: A Path to Healing

By Kermit Farmer

In a memoir about his wife Kermit Farmer recounts the twenty-year-long love story between a mere mortal and Dr. Linda Lee Farmer, a.k.a. the most badass woman on the planet. From countless attempts to woo a wife who seemed un-wooable to badly timed jokes, you will find yourself wiping your eyes and roll

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stone Crest
• Release date: Jun 25, 2024
• ISBN: 9781961462236

Book preview

Praise for Losing Wonder Woman

Authenticity ain’t got nothing on Kermit Farmer. This book is a prescription for courage, fortitude, and love.

– Matthew Zachary, Cancer Survivor and Host of Out of Patients Podcast

In Losing Wonder Woman, Kermit Farmer has given us an incredible look at the power of faith, family, and fight. The story of real-life superhero, the cancer doctor-turned-patient Linda Farmer, is inspiring, heartbreaking, and leads us to hope even in the hardest moments imaginable. Linda was my friend and colleague, and because of Kermit’s book, I’m still learning from her.

– W. Lee Warren, MD Host of The Dr. Lee Warren Podcast and award-winning author of Hope Is the First Dose

Losing Wonder Woman is a beautiful and poignant memoir. In true Kermit form, this is a love tsunami written for his wife, son, and all those who hear the unimaginable news of a cancer diagnosis. It is also his pufferfish path of service that carries on the legacy of his special Wonder Woman.

– Barbara Alvarez Martin, DrPH, MPH, Cancer survivor and an assistant director of a NCI-designated comprehensive cancer center

As Kermit pens his path through the grieving process to healing, he provides hope, wisdom and purpose, leveraging his loss for the benefit of us all and honoring the all-too-often undervalued caregivers of the world along the way.

– Topher Willkins, Executive Director of Opportunity Collaboration and Community Builder

Kermit Farmer’s poignant book, Losing Wonder Woman, is a heartfelt tribute to his wife, Linda, whose compassionate spirit and unwavering dedication as an oncologist touched countless lives. Through Farmer’s eloquent storytelling, readers are immersed in Linda’s world, where her love for others, particularly her patients, shines brightly amidst the darkness of illness and despair.

In the face of adversity, Linda’s empathy knew no bounds. Farmer vividly portrays her remarkable ability to offer solace and support, even when facing her own struggles. Whether comforting a young woman abandoned by her spouse or lending a comforting hand to a frightened patient, Linda’s compassion knew no limits. Her genuine care and steadfast presence created a sense of belonging and hope for those in their darkest moments.

Farmer beautifully captures Linda’s reliance on faith and the profound impact it had on her approach to medicine. Through prayer and devotion, she found strength beyond herself, guiding her through the challenges of her profession with grace and determination. Her faith wasn’t merely a personal comfort but a source of power that infused her interactions with patients, offering them a sense of peace and resilience in their own battles.

Losing Wonder Woman is more than a memoir; it’s a testament to the enduring legacy of a remarkable woman whose love knew no bounds. Farmer’s words resonate with authenticity and deep emotion, inviting readers to celebrate Linda’s life and the profound impact she made on those around her. This book is a stirring reminder of the power of compassion, faith, and love in the face of adversity, inspiring readers to embrace these virtues in their own lives."

– Lee Hicks, Bestselling Author, Public Speaker, Healthcare IT, & CEO

Stone Crest Publishing www.stonecrestbooks.com

Losing Wonder Woman © Copyright 2024 Kermit Farmer

First Edition

Published in the United States by Stone Crest Books

Stone Crest Books | www.stonecrestbooks.com

An imprint of Dinosaur House

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Executive Editor: Paul Fair

Publishing Manager: Stone Crest Books

This book is dedicated to my North Star, to my son Spencer Kermit Farmer and to the 19,000 + former patients under my wife’s care in their cancer journey.

This book is also dedicated to the front line of healthcare workers that includes those who find balance in life and those suffering from moral injury described in this book.

And finally, it is dedicated to the caregivers of the world. You are the invisible faces hiding in plain sight, providing love and support 24/7 and sometimes with no end in sight. Your work is supported. Your work is seen here.

A special shout out to my editors Andrea and Nancy and Kayla for making me look so good. It takes a village to keep me straight.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Prologue

Linda’s Family Tree

Part I

Chapter 1 – I Married Wonder Woman

Chapter 2 – Find A Way To Keep Dr. Farmer

Chapter 3 – A Closet, An Oath, And Moral Injury

Chapter 4 – Hurry Up And Wait

Chapter 5 – The Spencer Cancer Center

Part II

Chapter 6 – The Cancer Doctor Gets Cancer

Chapter 7 – I Can’t Carry Your Cancer, But I Can Carry You

Chapter 8 – The Wound That Never Heals

Chapter 9 – 18 Days

Chapter 10 – It’s Ok To Not Be Ok

Chapter 11 – Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?

Acknowledgements

About The Author

A Path For All

PROLOGUE

Make sure to get the dogs their food, Linda says, patting her dog Jordan sitting beside her, Sometimes you forget about that. I nod along, adding dogs to my mental list that was already growing beyond my ability to remember. I’m sure she’ll leave a written list for me somewhere, I think as I get up from the bed. Months prior to this moment, I ordered an adjustable bed for us. That bed was split down the middle, with separate twin beds pushed together to raise and decline independently. To see Linda, I flipped my bed around and raised it to a forty-five-degree angle, just like hers. We looked like the grandparents from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

I walk to the bathroom and open the cabinet, fumbling through Linda’s medicine. And you have to make sure Spencer gets a good education, I hear from the other room. I add Spencer to the list for the fourth, or maybe the fifth, time. You have to instill that in him. He’s thick-headed, you know. I chuckle, knowing that to be true. Whatever gift Linda has for academics, she did not pass it along to our son. That boy is smart in every other aspect, but mathematics (his mom’s favorite) is not his strong suit.

Anything else? I ask from the bathroom.

Yes, Linda says from the bed, Let’s talk about you.

About me? I close my eyes for a moment then poke my head around the corner. She’s facing away from me, but I can see she’s referencing a list in her lap. So, there is a written list. I knew it.

Yes, we need to talk about your next steps, when I’m not going to be here, she says, waving me over. I sigh, already anticipating this to be a beautifully uncomfortable conversation. She looks at me with a knowing grin and all I can do is muse at her ever-present practicality. I take a deep breath and let it out as I crawl into my side of the bed for the thirtieth time that day.

I’ve been thinking, she says, tapping the pen to her chin, You can begin to date a year after I pass.

Oh, here we go. Linda— I try to interrupt.

And you’re welcome to get married two years after, she says, looking me deadpan in the face.

Resolute but still soft.

Linda, we’re not going to talk about this—

Well, there’s nothing left to talk about, she says, clicking her pen as a way to end the conversation.

My jaw hangs loose behind my closed lips, and I stammer out, But I—Well, you are impossible. Ugh! Dammit woman.

We share a look. This is so Linda. Do you have anything else for me from your little notepad? I say, leaning back to look up at the ceiling.

You have to take care of yourself. You don’t hydrate enough. I’ve seen your pee.

Alright, alright, alright, I say, my face getting hot. I look to Linda, who’s smiling a bit now, too. Even in her last days, she still enjoys making me a honey-do list. Anything else? I ask, despite being afraid of what she could possibly say next. She shakes her head, returning her attention back to the notepad.

I nod, bringing my eyes back to the ceiling. I know she isn’t trying to make this conversation as difficult as possible. It’s just Linda. Like when she ransacks the house looking for the one sock that goes missing after pulling the clothes from the dryer. My girl, the oncologist, Dr. Farmer, needs things complete, and things done right. In her mind, this is the best way she knows how to go. Not leaving any stone unturned, or any wrong not righted. I can’t fault her for that, and honestly, I expect nothing less.

I move closer to gently sit in the space next to her, careful not to jostle her too much. She looks up at me, and smiles.

There’s going to be a lot of casseroles showing up at our house once I’m gone. There’s a lot of single girls out there, you know. And you like to cook, she says, preparing me for what she suspects will be some zombie horde of women banging on our door while holding freshly baked casseroles.

You’ve got to be prepared for that. You can’t just accept any woman’s casserole.

Alright, my love. . . .

LINDA’S FAMILY TREE

PART I

Chapter 1

I Married Wonder Woman

What’s your name?

Hyoseon Lee.

The immigration officer’s eyebrows shot up half an inch. He leaned forward. What was that? ‘Hi-sen’?!

No. Hi-yo-sen, the girl repeated, standing in front of the man’s desk. Though fifteen years old, she looked closer to twelve. She wore a light blue dress that hung from her shoulders, and her socks sagged around her bony ankles. She looked at her father and mother behind her, who spoke even less English than she did, then to her aunt just behind them, who nodded at her encouragingly. She turned back to the officer and repeated slowly, emphasizing her breath on the H:

Hi. Yo. Sen, she repeated, with a pause between each syllable.

The officer turned from the girl to the translator, shrugged, then looked back. That’s not going to work. Can you pick something else? Do you have a nickname?

She watched the translator, nodding. A new name. She thought for a minute, then asked, What is Wonder Woman name? she asked in Korean. The two men blinked in unison.

Um, it’s Lynda Carter. I think, the translator said.

She nodded, a tiny smile on her lips. Call me Linda.

I’m convinced my wife, Linda Lee, came out of the womb a badass. Made of pure grit and unyielding determination. Perhaps if she’d been born at a different time, she would have been some combination of Lucy Liu and Lynda Carter, with the cut-throat intensity of the Kill Bill assassin (barring a tendency for violence) and the candor and kindness of Wonder Woman. But if there was one quality that surpassed even her badass-ness, it was her selflessness. A quality so deeply rooted in love, it was dangerous. Not to others, but to herself, made from the same Love that got a man killed on a Roman tree two millennia ago.

But let’s not get too far ahead.

It was 1970 in South Korea. Linda was born to the name, Hyoseon Lee, the third child to a gambling alcoholic and eventual pig farmer. When her father, Ilho, turned twenty, he’d been lucky enough to marry Linda’s mother, the true source of both brains and heart in the family. Ilho was the youngest of eight children born to a wealthy father. If Ilho needed a house, he got a house. If he needed money, he got money. When I asked Linda’s aunt, Ilho’s older sister, about him, she said he wasn’t a bad person, despite being an alcoholic (at least he was never an angry alcoholic); he was just spoiled.¹

Linda’s mother, Ilho’s wife, Okja, was the silent yet sturdy backbone of the family. As any good Korean housewife was expected to do, she obeyed Ilho, listened to his direction, and at the end of the day, respected his decisions. Even the bad ones. But on the hard days, she relied on something far greater.

Okja was introduced to Christ by her sister, and from that day on, God became the source of her strength and purpose. She taught her three children, Eunjoo, Joonmo, and Hyoseon of Jesus’s sacrifice and resurrection, and of the hope and peace to be found in God’s will over their own. Okja showed them what it looked like to give thanks in their deficit, offer praise in the middle of their struggles, and find contentment in whatever life circumstance they were in. Linda clung to these teachings from an early age, finding strength in the hope they provided.

When Linda was five years old, Ilho’s father passed, leaving Ilho an ample sum of money. Within two years, it was squandered on games, bets, and alcohol. The Lee family was then destitute.

About this time, Ilho’s sister Inae (the real black sheep of the family, at least according to their father) came to visit from America, the place of opportunity. She had done the worst thing a Korean could ever do … marry an American. Worse, an American soldier.

They met in 1953. Inae was working at the ground base as a secretary when she met Bob. Within a few weeks, they fell in love with each other (all without her knowing a lick of English, nor him any Korean) and decided to get married. Inae was willing to risk being shunned by her family to live the life she wanted. After the wedding, they packed up and moved to Japan after promising Ilho to come back to visit South Korea once their father was gone. By 1957, they’d settled in America where Inae learned to speak English. There, she was able to raise her son in peace. Eighteen years later, their father passed. She was finally able to visit her home and family in South Korea.

On her visit, Inae sat across from her brother Ilho while the children played on the floor, taking turns with the new toy she’d brought them. You should come to America, she urged Ilho. The kids can have a proper education, go to university like my son. Think of their future. And— she said, looking over at Okja with sympathetic eyes, think of your wife. Ilho nodded, looking at Okja, who’d been sick on and off. I will consider, he said. It was 1975.

Five years later, the Lee family was still in South Korea. Ilho had scrounged up enough money to buy a pig farm. All the children worked the farm for Ilho; Linda’s job was to feed the pigs. Every day for three years, Linda took care of pigs before and after school. She showed up at school always fearful of literally smelling like a pig. With ragged stained clothes, and hair she tried to comb back as much as possible, she did her best to ignore the other students’ jeers and whispers. But the face of poverty is hard to disguise. She remembered what her mother taught her years before and continued to pray: God’s will is greater than our own; walk in faith, treating others with love and kindness. She let most jibes roll off her shoulders, and what insults she couldn’t defend only hardened her resolve to outsmart those around her. She told herself she was going to be the best. And she was.

That same year, 1983, Ilho lost the farm, and finally picked up the phone to call Aunt Inae. It took another year for the paperwork to get shuffled to the right desk, stamped by the right people, and finally approved. By 1984, the Lee family was on the plane heading for America, sponsored by the First Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Linda looked out her window and saw the Statue of Liberty. It looked like the picturesque American dream. It told her everything she needed to know about her new home.