The Book of Bible Horrors

By Richard Van Doren

That’s in the Bible?!?!?!
Mass murders, demonic possession, deadly plagues, human sacrifices, UAPs, homicidal angels, torture, natural catastrophes – they’re all there in the pages of the best-selling book in history, The Holy Bible. Few people have ever turned to scripture to read about such themes, however. Most consult what is called the Word of God for comfort and encouragement rather than nightmarish scenarios.
That may no longer be the case today, though. Interest in monotheistic religions seems to be on the wane, which means the time may have come for a different approach to Bible-reading. Rather than citing inspired passages to attract younger generations, maybe the darker texts can draw a new wave of devotees.
That’s the purpose of this book, anyway. It is not intended to be disrespectful, although many will undoubtedly take it that way. The Book of Bible Horrors is aimed at those who enjoy a good, scary story; a thoughtful, timely, albeit spine-chilling essay; and even some satirical laughs – with a controversial dose of religious faith thrown in.
I’ve made a thorough effort to preserve the basic content of every scriptural episode cited here, but I have taken considerable liberties, as well. Every chapter, both long and short, contains embellishments, flights of imagination that easily could have been part of the actual story. Or they reveal fundamental human nature. For example, in one episode I compare the prehistoric Tower of Babel story to the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI). Both are profound examples of our species’ need to believe we are not alone in the universe.
I challenge any reader to prove that my expanded narratives could not have happened, or that they misappropriate scriptural teachings.
The Bible glosses over many critical incidents and human trials. The chief targets of injustice and cruelty – women – are rarely named, and when they are, it is only in relationship to men who, in these accounts, are almost always the dominant characters. TBOBH gives women a voice for the first time. Victims of gang rape, sacrifice by fire and sword, and divine punishment for the most minor of infractions have been silenced for too long. The case has been made that the Bible is basically misogynistic. The above factors may bear that out.
As an ordained clergyman, I’ve studied the Bible for over forty years, preached on it and led countless study groups. In addition to a Master of Divinity, I also earned a Master of Philosophy in English Literature, qualifying me to teach college-level writing as well as literary classics. In addition to being a book of inspiration, wisdom, philosophy, history and law, the Bible is also a book of poetry and legend – literature, in other words.
In the latter category, there are some gaps crying out to be filled. Many come to fruition right here. If you’re looking for thought-provoking, entertaining and occasionally funny Bible-based stories, most of which should probably not be read right before bedtime, you’ve come to the right place.
That said, welcome to THE BOOK OF BIBLE HORRORS!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richard Van Doren
• Release date: Jun 13, 2024
• ISBN: 9798894126722

Richard Van Doren

Richard Van Doren is an ordained minister in a mainline Protestant denomination. He has always been fascinated by the fringe element in American culture and the extreme events that test faith. All of his novels and short stories deal with the collision of spirituality and earthly crises, or the ongoing conflict between the forces of good and evil. He moonlights as a college composition instructor, and every semester he teaches his students the two most important rules of writing: 1) write on a subject about which you know something, and 2) write on a subject about which you feel strongly. Over the years he has read and heard about countless instances of dark invasions into every day, innocent living. Anyone who has ever experienced something very strange, or who believes that we live in a reality that extends far beyond this world of the five senses will find his novels and stories much to their liking. All of these works contain instances that Van Doren has either experienced in his career or was told about by friends, students, parishioners and family.

Book preview

The Book

of

Bible Horrors

by

Rich Van Doren

The Book of Bible Horrors

Richard VanDoren

Copyright 2024, all rights reserved

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Cover by K. J. Joyner, www.apocalypsewriters.com

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Copyright #TXu 2-378-154

ISBN #979-8-89412-672-2

Forward

That’s in the Bible?!?!?!

Mass murders, demonic possession, deadly plagues, human sacrifices, UAPs, homicidal angels, torture, natural catastrophes – they’re all there in the pages of the best-selling book in history, the Holy Bible. Few people have ever turned to scripture to read about such themes, however. Most consulted what is called the Word of God for comfort and encouragement rather than nightmarish scenarios.

That may no longer be the case today, though. Interest in monotheistic religions seems to be on the wane, which means the time may have come for a different approach to Bible-reading. Rather than citing inspired passages to attract younger generations, maybe the darker texts can draw a new wave of devotees.

That’s the purpose of this book, anyway. It is not intended to be disrespectful, although many will undoubtedly take it that way. The Book of Bible Horrors is aimed at those who enjoy a good, scary story; a thoughtful, timely, albeit spine-chilling essay; and even some satirical laughs – with a controversial dose of religion thrown in.

I’ve made a thorough effort to preserve the basic content of every scriptural episode cited here, but I have taken considerable liberties, as well. Every chapter, both long and short, contains embellishments, flights of imagination that easily could have been part of the actual story. Or they reveal fundamental human nature. For example, in one episode I compare the prehistoric Tower of Babel story to the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI). Both are profound examples of our species’ need to believe we are not alone in the universe. 

I challenge any reader to prove that my expanded narratives could not have happened, or that they misappropriate scriptural teachings.

The Bible glosses over many critical incidents and human trials. The chief targets of injustice and cruelty – women – are rarely named, and when they are, it is only in relationship to men who, in these accounts, are almost always the dominant characters. TBOBH gives women a voice for the first time. Victims of gang rape, sacrifice by fire and sword, and divine punishment for the most minor of infractions have been silenced for too long. The case has been made that the Bible is basically misogynistic (the Old Testament, at least). The above factors may bear that out.

As an ordained clergyman, I’ve studied the Bible for over forty years, preached on it and led countless study groups. In addition to a Master of Divinity, I also earned a Master of Philosophy in English Literature, qualifying me to teach college-level writing as well as literary classics. In addition to being a book of inspiration, wisdom, philosophy, history and law, the Bible is also a book of poetry and legend – literature, in other words.

In the latter category, there are some gaps crying out to be filled. Many come to fruition right here. If you’re looking for thought-provoking, entertaining and occasionally funny Bible-based stories, most of which should probably not be read right before bed-time, you’ve come to the right place.

That said, welcome to . . .

The Book

of

Bible Horrors

Table of Contents

Forward

VIOLENCE and DEPRAVITY

A Woman’s Place

Out of Order

A Little Princess

Disposable Life

The Incest Test

A Victim of Power

The Kid Gets It, Too

A Close Call

A Clean-Up Job

If I Should Die Before I Wake

. . . as Evil Does

The Worst of the Worst

Truth and Consequences

Jesus and the Very Bad Day

ALARMING VISIONS

Lost in Translations

Daniel: Herald of Disaster

Reconstitution

True or False?

Ghosts of the Deep

HUMAN ODDITIES

The Seat of the Scornful

The Beast of Philistia

Quite Contrary

Jesus and the Monster

NATURAL CALAMITIES

Noah and the Ark

Urban Blight

An Overreaction, Perhaps?

Creepy Crawlers

Bad Boys

The Creeping Crud

The Day of the Lord

Fish Food

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS (of the SPIRIT KIND)

Wrestling With Conscience

Portal to Another Dimension

The Devil’s Wager

I Told You So

Persistence Is Futile

UAPs (UNIDENTIFIED AIRBORNE PHENOMENA)

Jacob’s Ladder

Horror From the Sky

Elijah and the Chariot of Fire

Ezekiel and the Wheel within a Wheel

A Supernatural Guide (The Star of Bethlehem)

Scared Straight (to Bethlehem)

Tongue Flashing

A Blinding Portent (Paul on the Road to Damascus)

HERE COMES da JUDGE

The Ultimate Horror

Deadly Solidarity

The Abomination of Desolation

The Cost of Apathy: Eternal Fire

Strange Last Words

Revelation

Bad Moon Rising

VIOLENCE and DEPRAVITY

A Woman’s Place

Out of Order

A perceptive reader of the Bible should recognize that being a woman in olden days was no picnic, especially during biblical times. One might argue to be a female today is no great shakes, either. In any event, the Bible informs us that the policy of courtship in those days was ‘rape first and marry later.’ The Bible contains so many examples of this, that only a few need be included to drive home the point (no double entendre intended).

We read and hear a lot about the twelve tribes of Israel which represent the twelve sons of Jacob, but rarely do we hear about Jacob’s daughters. One of them was named Dinah whose mother was Leah. While on a goodwill trek through her expansive neighborhood, she caught the eye of Shechem, a prince of the Hivites (a Gentile tribe) and son of Hamor. Needless to say, Shechem liked what he saw because the story goes: he ‘seized her and lay with her by force.’

Dinah must have performed pleasingly because Shechem fell in love with her on the spot, despite the fact that she apparently said absolutely nothing – no verbal protests, no sweet talk, no sudden awakening to the magnificent pleasures of manhood. Since he took her ‘by force’, she must have put up quite a fight, which turned Shechem on even more than his usual conquests. This, combined with her sophistication as a daughter of the immortal patriarch Jacob, made her a prize catch, indeed.

Now, Shechem convinced his father to act as arbitrator in trying to secure the hand of Dinah. Hamor explained that his son wanted to atone for his indiscretion by legalizing his lust through the covenant of marriage. Jacob and Dinah’s brothers simmered with rage after what was done to her, but Hamor made some very bold promises to appease them. Essentially, he proposed blending the Israelites and Hivites into a single family, sharing all of their possessions which included their women. One can imagine the women lining up to be selected as a wife by a man from the other tribe, like inspecting livestock for its healthful looks and history of fertility.

At first, Jacob and his family were having none of this. The Hivites were Gentiles, after all, and consequently unclean in the eyes of the Israelites. Still, there was much money to be had, which made women a valuable commodity. So, Jacob okayed the proposal on one condition: the Hivite men would have to undergo circumcision, a Hebrew rite of passage and purification that involved taking a sharp knife and slicing off the foreskin of a man’s penis. In so many words, Jacob backed up his proposal by saying, It’s all right. Really! We’ve all gone through it. What he didn’t tell the Hivites was that the rite of circumcision was almost always performed during the male’s infancy, when memories of extreme discomfort were short-lived and one could lie naked while healing. Older guys had to cover themselves, and the coarse cloth of which their garments were made chafed mercilessly and caused considerable ‘pain.’ What’s more, experienced ‘circumcisers’ were often hard to come by. Considered the exclusive domain of sure-handed rabbis, mass circumcisions performed with haste often fell to amateurs, undoubtedly sometimes with disastrous results. (What man would not ponder such a thing with horror?)

The Bible says the Hivite males were still in pain three days after the joy-filled ritual, meaning they preferred to not move around very much. This made them vulnerable to attack, which was soon carried out by the armies of Jacob’s two sons Simeon and Levi. They liberated Dinah from the home of Shechem and killed both him and his father Hamor. The rest of the brothers followed up and massacred all of the Hivite men, taking their women and children into captivity, almost all of whom promised enormous future benefits.

His sons’ behavior upset Jacob, because it besmirched his reputation (never mind Dinah’s). He would now be known as a man whose word was suspect. Simeon and Levi responded by saying, ‘Should our sister be treated like a whore?’

It was never determined whether Dinah approved of the violent reprisal, but it would have made no difference either way.

Genesis 34

A Little Princess

A long time ago, over three thousand years, in fact, a young girl with a gleaming smile and flowers in her hair romped around our neighborhood without a care in the world. She was the daughter of a Judge, a ruler of the Hebrews, and his name was Jephthah. We never learned the girl’s name, because females rarely, if ever, fulfilled a role worthy of inclusion in our sacred writings.

Ever since the day when our tribes crossed the Jordan River and invaded Canaan, we had been tormented by armed resistance from the people who lived here first. It made no difference that this was their home. Our God commanded us to purify the land - and so we did – usually. Sometimes our enemies proved too strong and we incurred many casualties. When this happened, we knew we had forsaken our God who promised us victory. And so, as per our custom, we proclaimed a fast and prayed with all of our might. Jephthah led us in prayer, as was his wont as a Judge, and in his prayer he made a promise to God: ‘If you will give the Ammonites into my hand, then whoever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return victorious from the Ammonites’ I will offer up as a sacrifice.’

It bears mentioning that Jephthah had only one child, a daughter, the little girl mentioned at the start. When he offered his prayer, there was no reason to expect that anyone else would come out of his house, except maybe his wife who, if she was still alive, remained hidden. While his daughter, who shouted with delight at the return of her beloved papa hugged him and cried for joy, he tried to push her away because his heart was very heavy. Jephthah’s daughter asked him why he rejected her, so he explained his motive. To avoid angering his God to whom he had made a promise, he could not forsake it. The promise must be fulfilled. His little girl, not yet a woman, would have to be sacrificed as a gesture of thanks.

Our little heroine received the news with sadness, perhaps not fully grasping what her father’s words meant. She assumed her father to be an honorable and righteous man, one who would never willfully endanger her life – or at least if he did so, he’d have a good reason. So, when she heard of his pact with God, she accepted it as her fate, asking only one favor: that Jephthah grant her two more months of life so that she could walk amid the beauty of nature and mourn the loss of her future. You see, all she ever wanted was to get married, have babies and take care of them along with the man of her dreams – or whomever she was commanded to marry. She did not care about fame or fortune. She only wanted to be remembered as a good person – a good person with a name. Now, imminent death would forever prevent her from reaching adulthood.

One can only wonder what went through her mind as she threw kisses to the blue sky and caressed baby birds. Undoubtedly, she dipped her little feet in the cool current of a gurgling brook and delighted in the way the sun sparkled on its surface. Perhaps she even played with other children and managed to forget, albeit temporarily, the fate awaiting her. We’ll never know. No one will.

One day, as the time drew near, she noticed her father piling dry sticks in a field near their house and garden. ‘Why are you piling sticks in our yard?’ she asked. Jephthah could not answer her. He could not even look at her.

Finally, one morning, when the two months had passed, Jephthah and two of his soldiers entered the little girl’s room and overpowered her. They bound her tightly with rope and carried her like a sack of wheat to that pile of twigs. Perhaps her little mind was unable to grasp what was about to befall her, or perhaps she simply forced it out of her mind because it was too terrible to think about. She had heard of sacrifices before, as told around nighttime fires to children so that they would remember to behave. But they never described them explicitly - the sacrifices, that is - because parents did not want their kids waking up in the middle of the night screaming.

They laid her on the sticks and backed away. Jephthah bowed his head in prayer to the God of the Hebrews and the other men joined him. Then, he lit a torch and held his place. We do not know if he blindfolded the little girl so she could not see what was coming, but it’s a virtual certainty that she smelled smoke before Jephthah touched the ignited torch to the pile of sticks.

Suddenly, she awakened as if in a dream and realized what was about to befall her. Her mouth had been gagged so that her father could not hear her begging for her life. ‘Not this way, Papa! Please! Not like this!’ But if he could hear her, it made no difference. He stood back and watched as the blaze quickly spread through the parched wood.

She felt the intense heat on her feet, first, and then suddenly her clothing caught fire. The pain was unimaginable, excruciating! Jephthah and the two men turned away so as not to watch her flesh melt on her body. The flames consumed her, but she was not yet dead; they charred her once-soft, beautiful skin and burned her long, brown hair from her head. Through all this torment she screamed for mercy and begged to be put to the sword. But the three men doubted God would be appeased if they relieved her suffering, so they waited for the fire to do their bidding. Her arms and legs crackled like boiling soup; her nose burned away and her eyes exploded. But still, she did not die. Only when the fire cooked her heart, her stomach and the rest of her internal organs, did she finally cease writhing on the pyre and receive the gift of death.

When the flames died down, having consumed all of the wood and the little body lying on top of it, Jephthah and the other men finally breathed a sigh of relief. They had done their duty. They had saved their country.

And best of all: they rejoiced, knowing their God was pleased. 

Judges 11:29-40  

Disposable Life

Once in a while, even if a man wasn’t famous and his name would soon be forgotten, the tribulations he was put through might still be preserved as written text.

There was an old man living somewhere between Bethlehem and Beersheba who experienced a most unfortunate loss. He was a hospitable man, hard-working, but very old. (‘Old’ in those days could have meant forty years of age.) The old man lived in a town whose name remains unknown. One day, a traveler met the old man outside his abode and asked for some modest supplies so that he could continue his journey. The old man could see that darkness was falling and that danger frequently awaited anyone who dared to travel by night, so he offered the wayfarer, his servant and concubine, a place to stay in his home. (A concubine, by the way, was a woman retained primarily for sexual congress, but had no rights as a wife. She remained unmarried for her entire life and usually died penniless after the years had diminished her youthful beauty and her owner traded her in for newer property. Almost all of the men of means had one, or two, or as many as they could afford.)

The traveler was very grateful to the old man, because he had been asking around the unnamed city to see if anybody would take him and his two fellow travelers in. Nobody would. Apparently, they had other ideas, as we will soon see. After nightfall, the men of that city stormed the old man’s house and pounded on his door. Just like an incident from centuries before, which we’ll get to later, these men proved themselves to be a ‘perverse lot.’ They demanded that the old man send out his older male visitor so that they might have anal sex with him. (That’s what it says, in so many words - so sue me.)

The old man, horrified, begged the attackers to reconsider, and convinced them to do the honorable thing. Instead of performing anal intercourse on his guest, heterosexual sex, he insisted, was the way to go, the only kind sanctioned by the God of Israel, according to the law of Moses. So, the old man eagerly offered up his daughter, who was a virgin, meaning she had never had sex of any kind; and his visitor offered his concubine. (The old man apparently did not own a concubine, so he probably was not a man of means.) Anyway, the gang of attackers considered his offer and figured they could still satisfy themselves, even if it was not their method of choice. They could get their jollies and nobody had to die as a result.

They figured the concubine could fulfill their needs sufficiently. Perhaps, they did so to show their appreciation to the old man, or perhaps the daughter was not very attractive. In either event, they took the concubine and raped her all night until the break of dawn. They gave no thought to the concubine’s family, or any other aspect of her life – her childhood, her dreams. All they saw was her enticing flesh and her terror at what was about to transpire, both of which added immeasurably to their excitement.

Physically drained from the nightlong exertion, the gang finally set the concubine free and returned to their homes. The unnamed woman stumbled through the morning mist until she came to the old man’s front door where she collapsed, her ‘hands on the threshold.’ The traveler arose from his place of sleep, opened the door and found her there. He greeted her with the comforting words, ‘Get up. We are going.’ Since she was unable to move, he lifted her onto his donkey and took her home.

I suppose we are to assume she died. At least we hope she died, because the story continues with the wayfarer grabbing his concubine, pulling out a knife and cutting her ‘into twelve pieces, limb by limb.’ If she had been alive while he did this, that would have made it worse. It certainly would have resulted in a bloody mess, since her heart still would have been beating. He sent the unnamed concubine’s dismembered parts to the twelve tribes of Israel to report this abuse of his property. The old man also deserved compensation because the gang had besmirched his reputation for hospitality.

This blatant insult of two fellow Israelites, ignited the wrath of the rest. They girded their loins for battle and made the gangsters pay for the disrespect shown them and their entire nation. Thousands upon thousands fell in battle for the effrontery suffered by the traveler and his host, but the Israelites prevailed and their honor was restored.

Nothing is known about the fate of the concubine’s body parts. It is to be assumed they were disposed of properly – or perhaps fed to the dogs.

Judges 19:22-30   

The Incest Test

Apparently, there were no safe havens for women in biblical times, not even the house of a brother. And apparently, it was not unheard of that a brother might fall in love with a beautiful half-sister and desire her sexually. Such behavior has always been taboo in almost every culture, but that doesn’t mean incest never happened.

Consider the story of Amnon and his beautiful virgin sister Tamar, both of whom were offspring of King David. Every time his eyes fell upon Tamar, Amnon swooned. He was the walking definition of lovesick. Amnon had a confidante named Jonadab, his cousin, who was a sly one, indeed. He hatched a plot wherein Amnon could get Tamar alone and have his way with her. All he had to do was . . . well . . . play sick. Amnon appealed to King David that he needed time and help to recover, so David approved his son’s request to retire to his home and be nursed by Tamar.

Amnon proved quite the actor, faking his illness and begging Tamar for help. She baked him cakes and agreed to feed him by hand. When she got close, he grabbed her and made no secret of his intentions. Immediately, Tamar recognized her situation and desperately tried to reason with her perverse brother. Shame would come upon both of them if he persisted with his behavior. She would never be able to show her face in public again. Her life would be ruined until the day she breathed her last, her dreams of being a wife and mother dashed forever. But Amnon would not listen. He raped her, anyway.

Immediately after he sated his lust, Amnon’s desire for Tamar evaporated. His love transformed into loathing. Perhaps blaming her for bewitching him, he banished her from his household, tearing away special articles of clothing that identified her as a virgin to everyone in her neighborhood. The Bible says he ordered his servant to throw her out and bolt the door behind her. Tamar decried her shame by tearing her garments further and sprinkling ashes on her head, both widely regarded as gestures of humility and despair.

When another brother Absalom heard of what Amnon did to Tamar, he became furious. He cited this crime of forcible, incestuous rape to justify murdering Amnon, whom he grew to hate. He might have