Hiding Light

By Amy Eric

No matter how lost you are there's always a song. After a nervous breakdown, Peter stumbles upon the comeback concert of Cecilia George, who is performing for the first time in decades. Peter discovers that Cecilia's songs speak to him, and he feels she understands him better than anyone else. A bond forms in a few short hours. Cecilia chases her dream in California and is forced to face her anxiety by performing on a chaotic TV talent show to keep her record contract, and struggles to keep her tragic past from repeating itself. Peter goes back to Toronto, and begins to doubt himself and his new found feelings. As their lives start crumbling around them, they hold each other up. Through exchanged emails they vow to reunite, but can they get back together when forces they can't understand or control keep pushing them apart?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amy Eric
• Release date: Jun 18, 2024
• ISBN: 9798227845856

Book preview

Chapter 1

Hope left me, ran away , and jumped on a Toronto city bus to get far away from me. I broke out in a sudden cold sweat, and my stomach hallowed out. My head became dizzy. Sounds and primary colours dulled to nothing. Emptiness swallowed me. My daily walk down Eglinton Avenue ended as my wife Brenda waved her sunburned hand in front of me. I could barely even see her fingers. The imaginary brick wall between us was too high. Her stare felt like a laser, burning a hole inside of me. I fell into it.

You better snap out of it. You’re daydreaming. She said, toxicity dripping from her tongue.

I’m not daydreaming. Something is wrong with me. I feel sick. I might just need to sit down. I lowered myself onto a bench and shivered in the sunlight.

You’re shaking, she pointed out. I couldn’t control what felt like bees in my veins. Annoyance turned into anguish that continued to lower my body’s temperature.

I’m cold.

How can you be cold? It’s the hottest day of the year! She shouted, filling me with desperation to sweat. I felt icy tears on my face that came without warning or comprehension.

What’s wrong with you? You’re embarrassing me. Her disdain for me sent bursts of nervous energy through my body before it gathered in my stomach. Her hate felt like the flu.

Maybe I’m having a panic attack. I said, searching for the truth. I couldn’t find the answers. My racing thoughts were too out of control to even find the questions. Tension filled my body, and it hurt. I even felt pain in the numb places. The sound of screaming children amplified tenfold, giving me vertigo. A sudden eclipse of all rational thought changed my wiring. I thought the sky was going to fall on me. I couldn’t see past my thickening tears. Fear closed in. I thought a three year old was going to mug me. I felt like a zombie with a brain full of fog. I could hear some delicate music. I turned and saw an elegant young Asian woman singing and playing guitar across the street. Her sweet voice swept me up into a lovely dream. I had to dig deep to find the focus to hear the words.

WHEN THE SADNESS

Hurts my heart

All turns dark

Deep down there’s a hiding light

Buried far from sight

All you can do is hold on tight

And trust the hiding light

When I make storm clouds

Out of sun

I come undone

Deep down there’s a hiding light

Buried far from sight

All you can do is hold on tight

And trust the hiding light

THOSE WORDS EXPLAINED what my mind couldn’t understand. I memorized them immediately. Became lost in them. I thought I made them up, because I connected so deeply. They became mine. I had never heard the song before and wanted to ask the singer about it, but she was gone when I left my trance. I wondered if she was ever really there. I was found and lost again.

Brenda glared at my dazed expression with startling disapproval before she got up and started to walk away.

Where are you going? I called after her. She didn’t respond. Leaving my wildly malfunctioning head to explore various horrible scenarios. I died in all of them. I felt most of the air escape from my lungs. She sat back down, looking like a stern head mistress from an elite private school.

I’m going home. When you zoned out, I called you a cab to take you to the hospital. She said with no emotion.

You’re not coming with me?

No, it’s not my problem.

Why are you treating me like this? I asked with a pathetic whimper. I needed her love so much in that moment.

How am I treating you?

Like you don’t even care.

I care, but I’m embarrassed by the way you’re acting.

I don’t see anyone you know around here.

If you did, I’d be a complete social outcast. I tried hard to wrap my brain around her reasoning, and realized that I didn’t understand her at all.

So what? Do other people’s opinions of you really matter to you more than I do? She really had to think about that question.

Not under normal circumstances. I don’t know what to expect from you anymore, and that scares me. You could snap again at any moment.

I’m anxious and depressed, not homicidal. I could feel despair running through my body, before it burned out and dragged my posture towards the ground. I wondered where it would take me next.

That may be true, but I still can’t trust you. The last time you acted like this you walked into oncoming traffic.

Can I come back home tomorrow after I see a Doctor? I asked. Tears continued to pour down my face as numbness took ownership of my insides.

That’s up to the Doctor to decide.

They’re not going to keep me overnight. Where am I going to stay?

You have a credit card. Stay in a hotel.

What if something happens to me? I really need you right now, but you’re sending me away in a cab? I asked, turning into a helpless child as the cab pulled up in front of me.

I don’t have a choice. It’s tough love.

I understand that, but you could choose to be nicer. You could choose to care more. You’re dismissing me like I’m a stranger.

You are a stranger to me right now, and I’m not feeling very nice.

I don’t want to leave like this, I pleaded. I wanted to beg on my knees, but I stood up and started to walk towards the cab. Fear mixed with electricity and caused jolts to pulsate through me. Death felt imminent, and it would have been welcomed. I gave her one last chance to reach out to me when I looked back at her.

You’re doing the right thing. I’ll call you tomorrow. She said without a hint of feeling. The hate I felt for her burned away the ice built up in me as I climbed into the cab. I felt so weak and so sick. Frantic. Panic made my flight instinct kick in, causing me to change Brenda’s stupid plans. I instructed the driver, Take me to the nearest bus station.

I walked into an empty bus station without a plan. The teenaged clerk looked up from a gossip magazine as I asked her, Do you have a bus leaving here in the next ten minutes?

There’s a bus leaving right now for Sandwich Massachusetts, but it’s nine and half hours away.

That’s as far away as I need to be.

Chapter 2

Islept for a good eight hours. I woke up so drained I wasn’t sure if I could drag myself off the bus. I didn’t care about anything. Sandwich took me to a story book fairy tale, but its beauty was lost on me. I wandered around aimlessly, not knowing where to go or what to do. Despite my worn out body, I couldn’t stop walking. I came upon a centuries old grist mill nestled on a sparkling pond. I watched from across the street as a woman walked the picturesque grounds. Her build was so small, she looked like a sparrow. When she turned to look at me, the sadness in her light blue eyes grounded her. She looked like something carved out of marble; cracking slightly in the loveliest way. Her eyes met mine and my whole body pulsated as she saw into my soul. My darkness revealed himself to her, and she challenged him with a smile. I smiled back. Our connection felt like tiny bubbles were bursting in my stomach. A gentle tickle. She turned to an unseen distraction then walked towards it. I ran across the street without looking for oncoming traffic. I saw the back of her floating away. Out of my reach. She climbed over bushes in the courtyard of a little Inn and disappeared like a puff of smoke. In that moment, I decided I was going to stay at that Inn. I walked into the Victorian looking lobby and approached the front desk with purpose, I’d like a room for he night please.

The sign outside says no vacancy and it wasn’t lying. Said the stuck up young clerk.

You wouldn’t even have a utility closet I could sleep in?

No.

Could I leave my cell phone number with you so you could call me if a room becomes available?

There is no chance of a room becoming available tonight.

Could you tell me why?

No.

Could you recommend somewhere nearby where I could stay? I asked, trying to reign in my desperation.

No.

I don’t understand why you’re being so rude to me.

It’s my job.

That’s not a very good job. Is it okay if I walk around the grounds?

Yes, but if you hang around too long I’ll have to call security.

Thank you for your time. No response. I wanted to knock her unconscious and sneak upstairs before my sanity came back.

I walked out the front doors into a sea of commotion. A gentle looking skunk haired lady was swearing at her limo driver like a drunken sailor. She stopped, turned to me, and asked, Could you take my bags up to my room please?

I don’t work here.

I don’t care if you work here. I ruined my back doing yoga. Since no one who works here is actually around and you are able bodied, I need you to carry my goddamn bags up to my goddamn room_

Sure, I said reluctantly. I picked up a heavy suitcase in each hand. She carried nothing, but walked me back inside. She walked so quickly, I struggled to keep up.

Don’t look the girl at the front desk in the eye. I think she’s one of the walking dead. I chose this place because Elvis played a show here years ago, but the hospitality here must have died when he did. She said as my knees buckled attempting to carry her luggage up the winding yellow spiral staircase.

What’s going on here tonight?

If you don’t know, I can’t tell you. She led me down the hall, and pointed towards the end. I worried that my arms would fall off before I got there.

Is it something illegal?

No comment. She opened the door to her room, allowing me to drop her bags on the sand coloured carpet.

"Nice room, I remarked, noticing the two elegant hand carved four poster beds and muted yellow walls.

You wouldn’t think it was so nice if you knew what I paid for it. She said as I spotted a small women’s figure through her giant window. It was her! As I moved in closer, the woman behind me leaned over my shoulder and exclaimed, Cecilia!

You know her?

Unfortunately.

Are you two together?

"I’d like to think so, but it’s complicated. She describes our living arrangement as being like The Golden Girls. It’s not like The Golden Girls." She said as she motioned for Cecilia to come upstairs. Cecilia promptly gave her the finger.

Could you go talk to her?

What am I going to say? I don’t even know your name.

You can tell her that Leann needs to talk to her and it’s a matter of life or death. Her death.

Cecilia. What a musical name. I thought about the many Cecilia songs I knew as I walked around the side of the ornate red building. She paced among tulips in a truly impressive garden. She rolled her eyes when she saw me.

I have no interest in what Leann has to say.

I have no idea what she has to say. All I know is that she’d like to talk to you.

You can tell her that I’m not interested.

I’m not going to see her again. I ran into her while I was looking for you. She stopped pacing and looked right at me. I saw great secrets in her eyes.

Why were you looking for me?

I saw you from across the street a few minutes ago. You looked as sad as I felt, but you still smiled at me. I wanted to talk to you, because I wanted to thank you for that smile, and I thought that maybe you would understand what I was going through.

I don’t understand why people get depressed, but I can relate. She sounded sensitive, yet guarded.

Leann didn’t notice?

Leann doesn’t even notice a thunderstorm. Her blue eyes filled with lightness, before sparkling with a mischievous glint. She asked, Can I show you something wonderful?

Sure.

Leann is watching us from the window in her room. Could you help me run away? I’ll tell you what’s going on.

Running away tends to be my area of expertise at the moment. She took my hand, causing some feeling to return to my body. We didn’t look back.

She walked so fast she practically dragged me a couple of blocks, before stopping in front of the most exquisite white church I had ever seen.

Do you recognize it? She asked me.

No, but it’s incredibly lovely.

It’s the Elvis church. It was on the cover of his gospel album.

My wife can’t stand him, but I love his music. I only know his hits, but he had one of the best voices.

His voice was the first that moved me. I admired his connection to the music. I wanted to be able to connect to something like that. I heard a hint of an accent coming through in her voice.

You’re a singer? I questioned with great curiosity as she sat down on the steps.

I haven’t been one for a long time, but I’m supposed to be one again tonight, and I’m having second thoughts.

Why? I asked sitting down beside her.

Leann doesn’t like my set list. She keeps asking me to change it.

She’s not the one performing. She shouldn’t have a say.

That’s what I think too, but Leann arranged the whole thing. She thinks she should.

Why don’t you tell her you’re going to do her set list, but go out there and perform yours instead? You have to do this show for you. She listened and considered my advice carefully, then asked me with interest, Why do you care?

I can’t explain it, but there’s something about you that I relate to.

But I’m a stranger.

I had some kind of breakdown this morning. I became a stranger to myself. My wife showed me no empathy and became a stranger to me. But I feel close to you and you’re a stranger. The laughter I expected was replaced with a soulful question. Do you feel like you lost yourself completely?

Yes, and I’m still afraid I’ll never get myself back.

Did anything like that ever happen to you before? I had to think about it.

Twice. I had a panic attack on my wedding day, and another one on my 25 wedding anniversary.