Life in Five Seconds: Dad Jokes, Mom Jokes, Life Lessons, Musings, and More

By David Abeling-Judge

The best advice you can ever get is this: find the funny.

Being a husband, being a dad, being a teacher...are the best, hardest, sweetest, strangest, and funniest things in life. This book gives small moments of joy, laughter, and frustration, collected over years of learning how to adult the hard way.

Also, if you don't love this book, the author will feel very bad. He might even cry about it.

Snippets:

Thank you, Amazon, for the reminder of my wife's upcoming birthday, and for the numerous suggestions of toddler toys as recommended birthday gifts.

I will be sure to let you know how they are received.

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My wife tries to teach manners by teaching our child to say "pardon" and "may I please be excused."

I high five her when she farts at the dinner table.

Parenting is about balance.

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I took the puppy to school yesterday, and we stopped by a colleague's office to say hello. She peed right outside his door.

I'm such a good friend.

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I went from "I'm pretty sure I have a handle on this issue" to "I need an adult" in about five seconds.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Abeling-Judge
• Release date: Jun 19, 2024
• ISBN: 9798227295781

Book preview

Part I: Husbanding

*In reference to a scale*

Fiancée: We need to throw it out.

Me: What's wrong with it?

Fiancée: It's broken. Step on it. It'll tell you that you weigh 70 pounds.

Me: Sounds like it works perfectly.

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*In reference to a cat tower*

Wife: So, basically, I just spent $60 for them to ignore it?

Me: Raise your hand if you're surprised. Anyone? Anyone?

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Wife: (yelling at the internet) Aw, man! You gotta say spoiler alert before you write stuff like that!

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*My wife bought a Fitbit, and now constantly twists her wrist to show the time*

Me: Congratulations. You bought a watch.

Wife: It's a Fitbit, and it tells time!

Me: So you're mesmerized by a thing strapped to your wrist that tells time?

Wife: Shut up.

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*After unpacking the umpteenth box of kitchen stuff*

Wife: So...we may have too much stuff.

Me: I will have a Dave was right banner printed up.

Wife: You mean you don't have one already?

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*I turn onto our block*

Wife: Wait, we're going home?

Me: Well...yes. Where else would we go?

Wife: Oh right. We had a conversation in my head, but I didn't actually say it out loud.

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Me: Hon, let's stop at Target on the way home. We should pick up some cat litter.

Me: (45 minutes later sitting in the patio furniture section) Yeah, I should've seen this coming.

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In a text conversation with my wife, that in no way involved the subject of food, I typed the words We'll have to make at which point predictive text suggested my next word should be spaghetti.

I was not aware that I texted this word on a regular basis, or how predictive text thought this might be helpful in a conversation about childcare.

All I know now is that I want spaghetti.

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When you and your wife celebrate Valentine’s Day after the day because she's been out of town, and she repeatedly tells you not to buy chocolates because she's doing the keto diet, and you decide to listen to her...buy the chocolates.

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Me: I'm going to take the munchkin over to Target.

Wife: Oh, good. Can you pick up [product]? Actually, I need [product: sub-type].

Me: You know the drill. Text it to me...otherwise I'll be standing there going she said [product] and then something after it...

Wife: Right, and even then there will be 6 different versions of [product: sub-type].

Me: You see the problem!

The system works.

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Wife: So...I may have bought too many picture frames.

Me: It's time to raise the Dave was right banner that I totally purchased.

Wife: Oh please. You're too lazy to have done that. I mean, I love you, but...

Me: Don't throw out factual statements and pretend that they're insults.

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*At Lowes*

Me: Do you want a cart?

Wife: No. I just want to get two plants.

(Two minutes later)

Wife: Hmmm. I'm going to go get a cart.

Me: I had such high hopes...I should've known better.

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Yesterday, my wife watched several things while logged in under my Netflix profile. As a result, I am now watching a Timothy Dalton Bond film on her profile.

I am an emotionally mature adult.

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Wife: Can I have a bite?

Me: There's more in the freezer.

Wife: I just want one bite.

Me: But this is the exact amount of ice cream that I wanted.

Wife: Just one bite.

Me: Mine.

Marriage involves compromise...unless ice cream is involved.

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Wife: Where's my cappuccino?

Me: I love you thiiiis much.

Wife: ...

Me: But the drive-thru line was THIIIIIIIIIIS big.

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Wife: Do you like my hair?

Me: Yes.

Wife: It looks the same to you, doesn't it?

Me: No. It looks lighter.

Me: (aside to two-year-old) See, when mommy goes to the hair salon, you have to be ready for these kinds of questions.

Two-year-old: (pretend whispers back)

Me: That's right!

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Me: How was Target?

Wife: Okay. I didn't get anything, though.

Me: You mean you walked into and out of a Target without buying things. The legend speaks of you, oh chosen one.

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*At Lowes, looking at light fixtures*

Wife: So, you like the carriage pendant, but not the sphere.

Me: (pause) I understand the word sphere, but the rest of what you just said...

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Proof of relationship compatibility: when you put on The King's Speech and both of you spend most of the movie googling historical details.

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*I walk into the kitchen and see my wife pouring some honey on a Nilla Wafer.*

Wife: Don't judge me.

Me: I'd like to make fun of you...but your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Wife: I stumbled onto this last week. It makes me wonder if I accidentally ate a pot brownie.

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*We are coming to the end of a bathroom renovation project, and my wife just came home with a succulent.

Wife: I don't think (our contractor) itemized a succulent on his plans, so I went out and got my own!

Me: Okay.

Wife: Apparently every bathroom renovation involves a succulent, according to everything I see on Pinterest.

Me: You know, just because the other kids are doing it doesn't mean you have to do it, too.

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My long weekend of bachelorhood is off to a great start! I have already taken one mini nap on the couch. Should I go for the record?

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Thank you, Amazon, for the reminder of my wife's upcoming birthday, and for the numerous suggestions of toddler toys as recommended birthday gifts.

I will be sure to let you know how they are received.

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*In reference to taking the last of the coffee*

Me: I love you.

Wife: No, you don't.

Me: Yes, I do. It's just that I also love antagonizing you.

Wife:...

Me: It's a perfect system.

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*Morning, after dropping the toddler off