To a happy family in 12 weeks

By Maksim Bodikov

My name is Maksim Bodikov, and I am a family psychologist. I've been happily married for 15 years and have three children.

As they say, all happy families are happy in their own way, and all unhappy ones have their own reasons for unhappiness. My job is to understand why some families are unhappy and help those who want to become happy again.

My wife is also a psychologist, and we started our psychological practice together. Through our work, we have learned the main reasons why families become unhappy. This understanding, along with our author's methodology, helps married couples who come to us for help to go through the necessary stages to restore love, mutual understanding, and happiness in their family relationships. This process usually takes 12 weeks, sometimes even less.

In this book, I share my insights on building happy and harmonious family relationships. The main goal of this book is to help you understand what it takes to create a happy family and how to achieve it.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Максим Бодиков
• Release date: Jun 7, 2024
• ISBN: 9798227196248

Book preview

Introduction

My name is Maksim Bodikov , and I am a family psychologist. I've been happily married for 15 years and have three children.

As they say, all happy families are happy in their own way, and all unhappy ones have their own reasons for unhappiness. My job is to understand why some families are unhappy and help those who want to become happy again.

My wife is also a psychologist, and we started our psychological practice together. Through our work, we have learned the main reasons why families become unhappy. This understanding, along with our author's methodology, helps married couples who come to us for help to go through the necessary stages to restore love, mutual understanding, and happiness in their family relationships. This process usually takes 12 weeks, sometimes even less.

In this book, I share my insights on building happy and harmonious family relationships. The main goal of this book is to help you understand what it takes to create a happy family and how to achieve it.

Chapter 1. The Purpose of Family Relationships.

Problems in family relationships don't always start with scandals, misunderstandings, or infidelities. Although these events can clearly indicate that something is wrong in the relationship and needs to change.

A harmonious family relationship is not just a lucky chance or a happy coincidence. It starts with understanding the goal. Why do we need a family?

It may seem that the goal has nothing to do with family life. But is it really possible to approach such an important and delicate topic as family relations with such a question?

If you ask such questions, congratulations! You are moving in the right direction towards a harmonious and happy family life.

Denying the importance of this question and being unable to answer it indicates your unwillingness to see reality clearly.

Remember how many times in your life you have encountered situations where your interlocutor was not ready to listen to your arguments, called them nonsense, and started doing anything but listening to your opinion. Denial is not a way to defend your point of view. It is the fear of hearing something that contradicts your beliefs.

I know this well. Every day, when working with couples, I hear from them things like:

- And we never thought about it. Is it possible to talk about family? Do you know the answer?

Even if a man and a woman try to answer this question honestly, they rarely manage to do it the first time. It seems difficult, you just need to say why you need a family.

Think about it, answer this question for yourself. I assure you that in 9 out of 10 cases, you will not succeed.

Did you respond? Write down your answer.

And here are some examples of how my clients answer this question:

- We love each other;

- We have children and want them to grow up in a full family;

- We don't want to get a divorce;

- We have many things in common and have been married for a long time.

And many different variations of the same answers. Re-read them carefully and think about what is wrong with these answers.

These are the answers I hear every day when working with couples. And each time I tell them that their answers are not correct. And they are not correct not because there is a universal answer, but because answering in this way, people answer the question why? instead of answering the question for what?.

And this is the very first reason why in many families, sooner or later, there comes a crisis that, at a minimum, leads to the fact that people are not comfortable living together. And at a maximum, it leads to divorce.

Understanding the purpose of family life itself is a very powerful tool that strengthens these very family relationships. Happy married couples who enjoy their family life together understand, or at least feel, this goal.

Family relationships are almost the only area of our life in which many couples do not have a goal. Remember, in Ayn Rand's book Atlas Shrugged, one of the characters says: The most immoral and unworthy person in the world is a person without a goal. But if there is no purpose in family life, how can we expect that this family relationship will bring joy and satisfaction?

Think about it, because you know why you go to work, why you earn money, how you will spend tonight. You have an understanding of the purpose and expediency of almost everything you do.

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, both men and women have a very good idea of what they need this relationship for. Yes, the goals of a girl and a young man may differ, but, nevertheless, they are there.

What happens to these goals, where do they go? And most importantly, what should be the goal for family relationships to be harmonious, strong, and pleasing to us every minute?

Usually, after my comments about the fact that customers answered the question why?, instead of why? or for what?, they start to answer this question a little more carefully. But, nevertheless, they rarely answer it correctly again. They often say:

- In order to have a social unit;

- To live like everyone else;

- So as not to stand out;

- To build a house;

- In order to raise and educate children;

- In order not to be lonely.

And do you know what's wrong with these answers?

THERE ARE SEVERAL TYPES of mistakes that people make when setting goals for themselves and their family life.

The first type of mistake is setting a goal that is imposed by society, family, or parents. However, this goal may not be what we truly want. Is it possible to effectively achieve a goal that is not our own? Will achieving it bring joy and satisfaction?

Additionally, who needs to have a social unit like a family? Society may need it, but is it really important to you? Why do you need to live like everyone else? The question arises: why does it matter to you if everyone is comfortable and not bothered by your differences?

The second type of mistake is setting a finite goal for family life. In order to live happily ever after, this goal must either be unattainable or we must set ourselves another goal after achieving it. This can lead to problems because not always the next goal you set will be important for your partner or vice versa.

For example, you may have a goal to build an apartment. After achieving it, you may want to live for yourself while your partner decides to build a house or buy a dacha. You may want to travel or do something else. The problem with end goals is that having one goal in common does not automatically mean that all subsequent goals will also be shared by the couple.

On the other hand, if you don't set the next goal after achieving the first one, then the question arises: «What's next?» Are you together to start a family? You created it, so what's next — divorce? Are you together to give birth and raise children? The children have grown up. What's next? Why are you together now? Are you here to build an apartment? Built it. What now?

It is precisely because in many families goals are finite in nature that after they are achieved, the relationship begins to deteriorate.

So, what